To have finally put my niece in her place after taunting my daughter for what she wears?

[CharlotteY1]

I have a ten year old Dd and an 8 almost 9 year old niece. For a while now when have vsisted my SiL's house or been on a day out together my niece takes it upon herself to carefully "assess" what my dd is wearing and if she doesn't like it then she doesn't hide it.

My Dd is quite a sensitive child and whilst she can usually brush off any teasing she is now sick of her cousin constantly scrutinising what she wears and making fun of her. I've had words with my SiL about this in the past but she just brushes it off sayid that she will "have words with her" but still it continues.

Well today we have been out for our annual Christmas meal, my Dd was dressed lovely yet as per my niece decided to have digs at her telling her that she looks stupid and that's not how her fiends dress. My SiL was sat right next to my niece and then my Dd next to her so she would have heard what she was saying, yet she chose to ignore it. My niece carried on and by this point my Dd was almost in tears so I decided to say something. I told my niece that at least my Dd dresses for her age, she wears clothes that are comfortable and stylish instead of walking round in belly tops and leggings with her backside hanging out! Now you can guess that after blatantly ignoring her dd calling my dd my SiL happened to hear what I had to say didn't she?.....well she wasn't happy. But you know what.....tough, why should I let my not so darling niece ridicule for my dd yet again who by the way dresses lovely usually wearing smart skinny jeans with jewelled tops, body warmer, and smart hi tops, or gorgeous skirt top sets etc. She doesn't walk round looking like she's a teenager like my 8 year old niece does flashing her arse and belly, so Aibu for finally saying something? My Dh doesn't think I am as he's admitted his niece is a little madam but maybe I could have timed it better.

Op I ti tally agree with you, you tried telling her nicely that it was not kind yet she still carries on with her insults, she has to learn to deal with it if she dishes it out. She could be doing that to another kid at school and carry on as an adult. If what yiu said made her think so be it, she won't do that again. I woukd nit have much to do with her or her mother.

Nobody is saying that the OP should not have told her niece off or not stood up for her own dd. What people are saying is that she should not have criticised her niece's clothes in exchange. That's counter productive and sinking to her level, not dealing with it like a grown up.

You know what OP,this child needed pulling up...hopefully her mother will be embarrassed enough to do something about it at last.

Why do people deny that some daughters of Eve are nasty little witches. You have done her a favour nipping this the bud.She obviously smelt blood after the first time of bullying your sensitive child.

Ignore the Po's on here.

Then bert what shoukd she have done seeing her poor dd in tears after being insulted! She did the right thing, I woukd nit have much to do with them, until her dd behaviour improves.

Dn needs to learn that if she dishes out this shit, there will be repercussions. She's old enough to take this on board. OP, you've done nothing wrong,

She's not to young to learn a life lesson on. Funny how when you were onto her dd, her mother started to rear her head. So it's ok fir her dd to bully yiur dd. Tge mother sounds awful!

Im in the yes you could have handled it better camp, but fuck it no ones perfect and sometimes people (and yes that includes children) need a taste of their own medicine.

Yes expat you have got it exactly

I merely pointed out her own senses of dress may not been seen to others as appropriate, which is more or less what she did to my dd.

That's the problem, though, isn't it? You treated her as though she were a peer. You did exactly what she had done, only with the extra aggressive heft of your status as an adult. You modelled that bullying is okay, and the biggest one wins.

What your niece was doing was horrible, and it's shocking her mother did nothing about it. She needed an extremely firm telling off - a force ten bollocking - over what a nasty, shallow, spiteful and unpleasant little person she is developing into. But reference to the way asking why she is choosing to be unkind and cruel to someone - her own cousin, at that - instead of choosing to be a decent person? That's what you do, as an adult, if a child is really this far over the line.

A friend I know asked her daughter, after overhearing her being this nasty about another girl (who wasn't present - it was a bitching session between her and a friend), if she realised she was an Ugly Stepsister and not Cinderella (they'd been to see the new film, which she'd loved). You needed to focus on how wrong it is to think the way someone dresses defines who they are, and how horrible it is to choose to be nasty to someone, especially without any reason or justification. Not support that by attacking how they, themselves, dress.

If your daughter had said all this to her cousin, I would support you in backing her up. She has a right to defend herself, and her cousin would have got what she asked for. But they are children, and you are an adult, and you reacted as if she were a peer. You weren't making any points other than 1) it's okay to shred someone over how they dress, 2) the person who can be nastiest and most aggressive is the winner in any row, and 3) it's okay for adult women to slut-shame anyone, even very small girls.

None of that is really very supportive of your own daughter, really.

The mother sounds awful!

Now that, I do agree with. If you'd started asking her mother what the hell she was playing at, allowing her child to behave that way to any other but least of all her own cousin, I would have a great deal of sympathy.

The fault lies with her mother, and I do think you needed to say something, and something very firm, too. Your child needed to feel you had her back here. I just don't feel the way that you did it will have achieved the best outcome.

there are some right bullying posts on here

Feel free to report the posts you believe contravene talk guidelines, kali.

"Then bert what shoukd she have done seeing her poor dd in tears after being insulted"

She should have bollocked her. An adult is perfectly capable of bollocking an 8 year old without referring to her clothes and her dress sense or the fact that her backside is hanging out of her leggings.

I still can't get over the nasty brat and little horror comments.

I agree with the poster who said it was a massive own goal. However you view it, it was a mistake: she made highly personal comments to let the girl know how little she thought of her, which is not an acceptable way to teach an eight year old not to pass vindictive, personal comments. And if it nevertheless was like water off a duck's back, the OP effectively validated the eight year old's opinion that the OP's dd dresses in clothes her mummy approves of and probably chose for her, whereas the eight year old proudly dresses like a rebellious teenager who doesn't care what the adults think. OP's dd's status as a mummy's girl is now thoroughly cemented, as mummy butted in and fought her battles for her.

It's never acceptable to bully or be nasty to a child who may not have understood what she was saying, only that she (DN) was saying unkind words, probably to get a reaction or out of boredom.

You also need to look at why this child is saying these words in the first place, is she insecure or jealous of your DD? Probably both.

I was 9 or so when I scratched my Best friend as she had a plaster cast on her arm due to a broken arm and I was jealous of the attention she was getting but couldn't vocalise it, actually I was also jealous of my younger brother who was severely asthmatic and in hospital a lot so took up a lot of my mum's attention who was a single parent with not much family support. My emotions weren't right or sealed with correctly by my mum but I was unhappy (not all the time mind you and not spiteful all the time too).

I'd personally tell your DD also to stick up for herself and ignore nasty comments in the future whether from your DN or other people.

At what age does it become "acceptable" to say that a child is behaving in a horrible, nasty brattish way then? If my Ds1 (who is 8) was behaving like the niece in question, he'd get pulled up on it pretty damn sharpish and TOLD he was behaving in a horrible, nasty brattish way. He'd be told that people would THINK he was a horrible nasty brat, as they would if that was the only behaviour he displayed.

8 is not a baby. 8 is well old enough to realise the impact what you're saying is having on others.

Adult is old enough to understand the impact on others of what you say, too!! It's not the telling the child off severely that is wrong, it is how you do it that counts!

Sorry, there were a few posts between mine and the one I was responding to, which was Heartstrumpdiamonds' post.

like everyone I slip occasionally and say something that maybe I shouldn't
So you have answered your own question, you have admitted that you snapped. Yes of course it was unreasonable to speak to a child in the way that you did.

You now need to teach your DD some more effective strategies to respond to behaviour like this, because I'm sure you don't want her to copy your example.

It really is extremely childish to say to someone that they shouldn't get at your child's clothes because you think your child's clothes are lovely whilst their tormentor's clothes are unflattering and inappropriately reveal their arse to the world.

Thumb you can tell a child at most ages that they're behaving in a nasty way and an unkind way but the way the OP handled this was in saying nasty, unkind and personal comments back to DN - Basically treating her the same way.

It'll be interesting if DN says anything again or if they all avoid each other...

What I said was a valid point, a child of that age generally does not say those words unless they have issues themselves. Many yes DN's mother should have pulled her DD up on this ages ago if not at this event.

I understand you were frustrated and defending your dd, but you have to admit that in hindsight it would have been bette to leave some of what you said out of it.

I think it was okay. Children like 'D'N don't learn from gentle talks or even pompous telling offs. She probably goes through life treating a lot of children the same way and spreading a lot of hurt and unhappiness. She's learnt a valuable lesson, if you go through life being a dick eventually you're going to do it to the wrong person and get your arse handed to you on a plate.

Also OP your SIL may have had problems with her DD's behaviour and talk in the past... She may indeed have tried to tackle it but with little effect. On this occasion she probably thought by ignoring her DD's comments probably this would be best as she'd shut up. Obviously not the case.

Quite telling that SIL didn't let this develop into a full blown row although did show her annoyance.

How would you like it if this scenario had been reversed and SIL had been attacking your DD and defending her Child? Would that be ok then??

YY, I get that, I wasn't really responding to the OP's post (bad form, sorry) but to Heartstrumpdiamonds