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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

*Trigger warning added by MNHQ - graphic imagery* WIBU to say something ? Now friend is not talking to me anymore. Warning something pretty bad is mentioned.

103 replies

Italianmoma1983 · 21/12/2015 12:49

Hi there,

Hope you can help me. I have this friend who lives in Italy at the moment while her husband is based in England for work. I saw her husband last Friday at mutual friend's house. He showed me a picture that she sent him with the caption : This is what's going to happen to you if you cheat on me. The picture showed a dead man with his genitals cut off...genitals in his mouth. This picture made me feel sick. The day after I contacted my fiend and told her I was really shocked that she thought it was ok to use such horrible pictures. She told me that it was none of my business that this picture was sent as a joke. She is disgusted that her husband showed it to me in the first place as it was between the 2 of them (I agree with her). The husband accused me of stirring shit between the 2 of them and she told me to fuck off and hasn't spoken to me since. WABU to say something ? I told her she completely lost her mind !

OP posts:
theycallmemellojello · 21/12/2015 12:53

God that's completely horrible. She sounds abusive actually. I would cut her out of my life. Poor husband.

TwoInTheMourning · 21/12/2015 12:54

I think you were being unreasonable to tell your friend what she can and cannot send her husband...

It's her husband you should have been angry at for showing you something so disgusting...

Helmetbymidnight · 21/12/2015 12:55

I don't think you should have got involved, sorry.
He showed you the pic because it amused him, no?

However they are now both over-reacting.

lilyb84 · 21/12/2015 12:56

I'd say YWBU to have contacted her - it was a message between her and her husband and none of your business. What were you hoping to achieve by telling her that he'd shown you the message? It feels more like you were making a point about that (and hence shit stirring) than about the contents of the message?

Original poster
Italianmoma1983 · 21/12/2015 12:57

He was disgusted...I didn't want to be involved in that. I should have said nothing I agree but I can't help seeing my friend in a different light. How can make jokes using picture of a dead man...where is her humanity ?

OP posts:
Doublebubblebubble · 21/12/2015 12:58

I agree with theycallmejello she is the one in the wrong. Completely in the wrong.

Ragwort · 21/12/2015 12:58

All three of you sound ridiculously childish - are you all still at school Hmm?

I suggest you find some new friends.

Helmetbymidnight · 21/12/2015 13:00

Oh gosh, yes that is awkward.

She does sound nasty, but I dunno if it was your place to get involved on this one.

Original poster
Italianmoma1983 · 21/12/2015 13:02

I completely I should have said nothing but my view of her has changed because of that picture.

OP posts:
Ragwort · 21/12/2015 13:03

I would drop the friendship, you don't need to be 'friends' with someone who sends such unpleasant pictures. Move on.

Snowglobe1 · 21/12/2015 13:05

You should have kept out of it. Grim though.

theycallmemellojello · 21/12/2015 13:06

I think that when someone is sending their partner a threat to kill them if they cheat accompanied by a picture of a dead body you can't turn around and say don't get involved! It's illegal and abisive to send messages like that. If the op cared to turn her in to the police she would likely be prosecuted (in the uk at least). It's a really dark and scary thing to send and not at all acceptable. Honestly in your position id be sending the dh info on emotional abuse. He might not thank you now, but I don't think you're losing much in your friendship with his wife.

OTheHugeManatee · 21/12/2015 13:06

She sounds barking mad Shock

I'd stay well clear if I were you.

SwedishEdith · 21/12/2015 13:07

I'd just back away from her.

cdtaylornats · 21/12/2015 13:08

I've heard worse suggestions on hear about a cheating partner.

Helmetbymidnight · 21/12/2015 13:08

Mm, but was the dh showing it as a cry for help?

And if it was, the best thing would always be to help- not attack the 'abuser'

If you don't like her now, then there's nothing lost op!

Original poster
Italianmoma1983 · 21/12/2015 13:11

I'm really pissed off with myself for opening my big gob, I regret my involvement. It's not the first he shows me stuff she has sent and I never said anything. This picture truly shocked me. I told him he shouldn't accept the abuse but he says he has to for the children's sake. It's a sad affair.

OP posts:
Gruntfuttock · 21/12/2015 13:11

Well, OP, I'm sure that you no longer want to have anything to do with her anymore, so you can simply regard the friendship as over. What she did was completely appalling and I certainly wouldn't want any more contact with her.

worldgonecrazy · 21/12/2015 13:13

I think you were not unreasonable to voice your disgust at the picture. If a bloke had sent a similar picture to a woman with those words, I suspect the average mumsnet response would be very different.

In the circumstances, just let her husband know that you will be there to support him whatever his choices are. He may not even realise that such behaviour is not normal and indicative of an abusive relationship.

90sforever · 21/12/2015 13:15

Yabvu to contact her and tell her what she can and can't send her husband between themselves! What does it have to do with you? Just think of all the weird shit people are sending you don't know about.
I suspect she reacted the way she did as she was embarrassed, a bit humiliated and fuming you'd stuck your nose in and fuming her husband showed you.

Helmetbymidnight · 21/12/2015 13:15

Ah ok, sorry I imagined the context was within a happy marriage!?!!

I'd text him an apology for getting involved but add that she is absolutely out of order and you're there if he needs in the future.

Fratelli · 21/12/2015 13:15

I would just move on from the friendship if I were you.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 21/12/2015 13:16

Drop the pair of them, they're both tits.

Iggi999 · 21/12/2015 13:19

Are you saying it was a real-life photo? We're would you get such a thing?
Sure it wasn't a still from a horror movie?

TheHouseOnTheLane · 21/12/2015 13:21

Iggi oh it's easy to get pictures like that on the internet. I don't go to those places but I know where they are thanks to Reddit. Hmm

Horrifying.