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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

*Trigger warning added by MNHQ - graphic imagery* WIBU to say something ? Now friend is not talking to me anymore. Warning something pretty bad is mentioned.

103 replies

Italianmoma1983 · 21/12/2015 12:49

Hi there,

Hope you can help me. I have this friend who lives in Italy at the moment while her husband is based in England for work. I saw her husband last Friday at mutual friend's house. He showed me a picture that she sent him with the caption : This is what's going to happen to you if you cheat on me. The picture showed a dead man with his genitals cut off...genitals in his mouth. This picture made me feel sick. The day after I contacted my fiend and told her I was really shocked that she thought it was ok to use such horrible pictures. She told me that it was none of my business that this picture was sent as a joke. She is disgusted that her husband showed it to me in the first place as it was between the 2 of them (I agree with her). The husband accused me of stirring shit between the 2 of them and she told me to fuck off and hasn't spoken to me since. WABU to say something ? I told her she completely lost her mind !

OP posts:
Original poster
Italianmoma1983 · 21/12/2015 15:19

His dad is a brilliant support but I think it's all he has got. She doesn't work and looks after the children and I don't she will get much financial support as she only been there 6 months.

OP posts:
Lweji · 21/12/2015 15:23

Are they both English? Why Italy?

LagunaBubbles · 21/12/2015 15:23

He is away with work a lot, the abuse he gets is mainly by text because their situation is not the easiest and she gets overwhelmed and then take it out of him

Doesnt read right to me that, are you thinking of making excuses for her? Because thats what that sentence sounds like.

TheWatchersCouncil · 21/12/2015 15:25

The fact that they consider such imagery to be acceptable to view and share, whether that is between them, or with others outside of their marriage, would mean that I would no longer be able to be friends with them.

It's not even as if they are viewing the image to 'educate' themselves and others about the horrors of war (although I vehemently disagree with that too). They are using the image as a form of entertainment. Disgusting and morally reprehensible.

Lweji · 21/12/2015 15:33

Clearly, he doesn't consider it acceptable to receive it...

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 21/12/2015 16:03

No advice but, how awful - I can't imagine how horrible it would be to receive such a message from someone I called a partner. There are a number of things wrong with that picture.

ghostspirit · 21/12/2015 16:03

i would not have said anything. i might think. gross thats not nice or what ever but i would not be contacting people to tell them what i thought. whats the point

DistanceCall · 21/12/2015 16:18

I wonder what the replies would have been if the genders had been reversed. I imagine many posters would have said that you should have called the police.

BartholinsSister · 21/12/2015 16:22

Why the trigger warning? Is reading this thread likely to cause someone to chop off another person's genital parts?

ShaHal125 · 21/12/2015 16:28

None of this is sitting right with me, more to do with you than anything OP! I agree she shouldn't of text him that but you seem far too involved in your "friends" life.

You state in your first Post that your the womans friend.

Yet, several things make me think your not.

It's not the first he shows me stuff she has sent and I never said anything. - I told him he shouldn't accept the abuse

He is abused by her, I know he is. He is taking a lot in and in the past I have tried to help him just by mostly listening to him

He is away with work a lot, the abuse he gets is mainly by text because their situation is not the easiest and she gets overwhelmed and then take it out of him

I know he is unhappy, they are both unhappy. I have listened to him in the past and we both agree his wife has issues but she is doing nothing to sort them.

Why are you so involved in these peoples marriage? You say your her friend, why are you slagging her of to her husband? Why are you spending so much time with her husband? Why are you trying to help him by listening n what not? Your a poor excuse for a "friend".

Regardless of what goes on in their marriage, butt your nose out. we both agree she has issues

We both know why and I'm surprised no one has spotted this already.

Your trying to steal your friends husband. Don't deny it, spending all this time with your "friends" husband. Slagging off your "friend" to her husband. Letting him slag her off to you.

Have you seen the texts he's sent her? For all you know he could of text her abusively and just showed you her reply!

Do you not think it's odd he's showing his wife's fiend private conversations?

Your trying to create an intimacy with your "friends" husband, you want to me the rescuer.

You are not a nice person. You need to butt your nose out of your "friends" marriage and you need to stop spending so mch time with her husband.

If I knew you in real life id be telling your "friend"

I bet she doesn't know how much time you and her husband spend together nor the amount of time you spend slagging her off.

You are not a nice perso

Furiosa · 21/12/2015 16:34

ShaHal Shock

Your not the wife are you?

ShaHal125 · 21/12/2015 16:36

Haha no, I'd of been a lot more brutal if I were!

Surely people can see what he's trying to do? I'm glad I don't have a "friend" like the OP, very sneaky behaviour

WoodHeaven · 21/12/2015 16:44

If they have been in Italy for 6 months, she is entitled to exactely the same sort of help that an Italian would do (Thanks the EU for that).

I have no idea what it is though but certainly worth investigating (both on his and her pov).

WoodHeaven · 21/12/2015 16:46

ShaHal, I very much doubt that the OP is tryijng to steal her friends husband....
What a weird way to look at it!!

Actually I think your comment says more about you than it says about the OP .....

QuiteLikely5 · 21/12/2015 16:57

It's really nothing to do with you. You would have caused an almighty row between the pair and for what?

Why do you want us to condemn a pic of a man with no willy?

If you were truly concerned, a post in relationships, asking how you might help would have been more appropriate

90sforever · 21/12/2015 17:07

Trigger warning, really?

Furiosa · 21/12/2015 17:08

QuiteLikely5 the picture OP described is a lot more graphic than you've summarised.

Gruntfuttock · 21/12/2015 17:10

I'm with the other posters who have said that the replies would be very different it was a man who had sent his wife a photo of a mutilated body with a threat to do the same to her if she cheated.

AngieBolen · 21/12/2015 17:10

I think it's a good thing she hasn't spoken to you. Why would you want to be friends with this woman?

And him, showing you such a horrific picture without warning is not on either.

Step away from them both.

fakenamefornow · 21/12/2015 17:12

Shocked at the number of people slagging off the op. Personally I think people sending graphic images and death threats to somebody IS other people's business. If the roles were reversed and it was the wife receiving death threats would you still think it was none of anyone else's business? The idea that what goes on inside a marriage is private is bollocks if abuse is happening.

OP I would give the husband information about agencies that can help him if you can find some and good for you telling the wife exactly what you think.

Helmetbymidnight · 21/12/2015 17:17

It would have had v different responses as well if it hadn't been framed as 'my mate isn't talking to me because I told her she was crazy for sending her dh an inhumane picture.'

AmysTiara · 21/12/2015 17:22

ShaHal what a horrible post.

Original poster
Italianmoma1983 · 21/12/2015 17:34

Shahal - you are very wrong, I'm involved because until last Saturday I was very closed to the wife...I like her husband as a friend, he is a very nice bloke. I have no feelings whatsoever for him. I'm happily married with 2 children myself ! Can't a woman and a man be friends ? I'm much closer to his wife (until last Saturday) but I was always friendly with him too. What is the harm ? I'm not responsible for the difficulties they are having in their marriage. I have listened both of them, I was there for them. I should have kept my feelings to myself where that picture is concerned, I wish I had said nothing.

OP posts:
Lweji · 21/12/2015 18:05

Actually, I think you did well to call on her sending that picture.
And in fact I do think you could and should report it (although he could excuse it and delete it).
Secrecy is a huge weapon (if not the greatest) used by abusers. And she has just been exposed.

TSSDNCOP · 21/12/2015 18:20

What's she like to the kids? Is her abuse directed just toward her husband or does it extend.

I can see why you tackled her, her behaviour is wrong. Will it make things worse in the home though? If you think the kids are at risk I don't think you can do nothing now.

I would make it clear you would help him leave at the minimum.

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