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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

*Trigger warning added by MNHQ - graphic imagery* WIBU to say something ? Now friend is not talking to me anymore. Warning something pretty bad is mentioned.

103 replies

Italianmoma1983 · 21/12/2015 12:49

Hi there,

Hope you can help me. I have this friend who lives in Italy at the moment while her husband is based in England for work. I saw her husband last Friday at mutual friend's house. He showed me a picture that she sent him with the caption : This is what's going to happen to you if you cheat on me. The picture showed a dead man with his genitals cut off...genitals in his mouth. This picture made me feel sick. The day after I contacted my fiend and told her I was really shocked that she thought it was ok to use such horrible pictures. She told me that it was none of my business that this picture was sent as a joke. She is disgusted that her husband showed it to me in the first place as it was between the 2 of them (I agree with her). The husband accused me of stirring shit between the 2 of them and she told me to fuck off and hasn't spoken to me since. WABU to say something ? I told her she completely lost her mind !

OP posts:
theycallmemellojello · 21/12/2015 13:23

I agree that very sadly, in abusive relationships, confronting the abuser can lead to them taking it out on the abused party (and the abused party is often confused in where their loyalties lie). I agree that to be a friend to the man it would be best to let him know that you'll support him if he chooses to leave. I'd also tell him that an abusive environment is not going to be doing his children any good. I suppose if they have mutual friends you could maybe let them know what you've seen as well, so they're able to support the husband. But beyond that there's not much you can do, and I think it's right to say you should just back away.

I find the comments justifying her actions completely terrible: no, surprisingly enough, death threats are not just one of those weird things that it's perfectly fine to send back and forth between themselves, particularly if the person receiving them is distressed by them.

hefzi · 21/12/2015 13:23

Iggi plenty of photos about like that on the internet - from ISIS and before.

I would avoid her from now on like the plague: and what did he intend to happen from showing you, unless he expected to call her on it? Very peculiar all round - ignore her, and text him with a number to a domestic abuse helpline. Then stay well away unless/until he contacts you further.

Original poster
Italianmoma1983 · 21/12/2015 13:24

Iggi999 - it was a real dead man, think Isis style of picture. I'm going move forward yes.

OP posts:
Iggi999 · 21/12/2015 13:25
Shock Sad
blindsider · 21/12/2015 13:26

Sounds to me like a joke between husband and wife and you have totally over reacted!!

Lweji · 21/12/2015 13:27

I don't know how it is in Italy, but in the UK and Portugal domestic violence can be reported by third parties and it doesn't really matter if the victim complains or not, it should still be logged on and prosecuted.

Sending such messages, unless in an obvious joke, is a serious threat and a crime.

You should be telling your friend that he should get the children away from such an abusive person as well. I'd bet she is not only in relation to him.

Original poster
Italianmoma1983 · 21/12/2015 13:28

Blindsider : yes it was between them but the husband showed it me and didn't warn me how bad it was...I never asked to see this, never asked to know !

OP posts:
Gruntfuttock · 21/12/2015 13:30

Helmetbymidnight "He showed you the pic because it amused him, no?"

Shock Who on earth would be "amused" by such a photo? Especially accompanied by a threat.

Original poster
Italianmoma1983 · 21/12/2015 13:30

Only the husband was not joking

OP posts:
Lweji · 21/12/2015 13:31

Him showing you the picture (and other stuff?) sounds like a cry for help.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 21/12/2015 13:39

That's utterly grim Sad

You are well shot of her and you were not BU to say something. How could you not?

Sighing · 21/12/2015 13:46

He showed you the picture AND reacted angrily in response to you telling the unhinged partner your friend. To me he is exhibiting signs of being emotionally abused, possibly worse with threats like that. She also reacted angrily as abusers often do when called out.

Helmetbymidnight · 21/12/2015 13:48

I've already clearly apologised for my misreading of the situation, grunt.

BarbarianMum · 21/12/2015 13:50

Will people please stop with the "its up to them what they text each other" and the "sounds like a joke". She send him a horrible, abusive image as threat/warning. How is that funny? And yes, i just bet he wasn't supposed to confide in anyone.

ricketytickety · 21/12/2015 14:15

She's a nasty piece of work even just sending the pic, let alone as a threat. You're well rid. There are some horrible people in this world. I'd leave hubby to it. You said your bit. He's made it clear he's not ready to put a stop to it. He'll find his own way out.

Original poster
Italianmoma1983 · 21/12/2015 14:53

He is abused by her, I know he is. He is taking a lot in and in the past I have tried to help him just by mostly listening to him. They have 2 sons together and he wants to do what is right by them. It's a big mess and the incident with the picture is just the tip of the iceberg.

OP posts:
MontyYouTerribleCunt · 21/12/2015 14:58

I don't think YWBU at all OP. It does sound like you are well shot of her. Poor husband.

Lweji · 21/12/2015 14:59

It is often said to women who are abused that living in an abusive household is damaging for the children.
He should act to protect his children as well. That would be doing the right thing for them.
He would only have to show that photo and message (and others) to the Italian police, I'd imagine.

For the record, my exH has recently been convicted in large part based on threatening messages.

It's up to him, really, but he has to stand up for himself and for his children. Staying in his marriage for the sake of keeping mother and father together is not necessarily the best thing.
He could seek support from Italian dv charities and read about domestic abuse on partners and its effect on children.

knobblyknee · 21/12/2015 14:59

He's playing 'look what I have to put up with'. He shouldnt be showing you things from his wife.
Run, run like the wind.

Original poster
Italianmoma1983 · 21/12/2015 15:07

Knobbly knee- you are completely spot on...

OP posts:
Lweji · 21/12/2015 15:11

Do you think he is playing the victim and trying to get you into bed?

Or reaching out for help?

Original poster
Italianmoma1983 · 21/12/2015 15:11

He is away with work a lot, the abuse he gets is mainly by text because their situation is not the easiest and she gets overwhelmed and then take it out of him.

OP posts:
Lweji · 21/12/2015 15:12

the abuse he gets is mainly by text because their situation is not the easiest and she gets overwhelmed and then take it out of him.

The abuse he gets is because she is abusive.

Original poster
Italianmoma1983 · 21/12/2015 15:14

Lwegi - nope nothing like that, he is not being lewd towards me at all and I know he is unhappy, they are both unhappy. I have listened to him in the past and we both agree his wife has issues but she is doing nothing to sort them.

OP posts:
Lweji · 21/12/2015 15:16

Is he aware of his options? Legal, mainly, but also in terms of support?
Can she get support? Has she looked for it?