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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really quite fucked off about the fact that I am currently miscarrying an having to look after DSD

164 replies

Emmawemmawoowah · 21/12/2015 10:15

I'm fuming, livid in fact.

I'm bleeding heavily, have thrown up twice this morning in front of DD and DSD and am having cramps.

DSD (7) hasn't let DP get close to me all weekend. She can't stand anyone else having his attention but herself, it usually doesn't bother me so much but at the moment I'm in need of that affection and struggling to bite my tongue.

They are both currently fighting as I'm writing on here, I'm trying to put my feet up, DP is out at work and I'm pretty mad that I've been left with both of them if I'm really honest. DSD has pushed DD (2) on to a table, she's caught her eye and bruised it so she's been crying hysterically an as a result DSD had a screaming fit because DD was getting attention off me.

I'm really struggling today, I just want to be on my own with DD. Is that understandable?

I usually look after DSD for most of the time he's here and she's usually always pretty demanding but my mood is low and I'm really hurting and struggling today.

OP posts:
OnlyLovers · 21/12/2015 11:47

sashh, that all sounds fantastic.

juneau · 21/12/2015 11:51

If he has to work then your DSD needs to either go home to her DM or go to DP's DM or another relative. You really need to rest OP. I can completely understand the pressure you feel to shop, clear up, do the laundry, etc, but you're having a miscarriage! Please go to bed with a hot water bottle and a cup of something warm and take care of yourself Flowers

MascaraAndConverse89 · 21/12/2015 11:54

I am so glad that you've got a resounding YANBU OP. You shouldn't have to look after your DSD at this time, and it's wonderful to see that you've got so much support about that fact on here, rather than being told that you're a SM so put up and shut up.

I haven't read the whole thread though mind.

LagunaBubbles · 21/12/2015 11:57

This arse knows you are miscarrying and still expected you to make his dinner?? And you feel guilty because hes having to look after his own children??

Look Im really sorry for what you are going through but he has you totally where he wants you. Do you want your DD growing up thinking this is normal in relationships? How men should treat women? Short term you are struggling and I hope things get a bit better soon but long term this has disaster stamped all over it, I dont mean to be harsh but I totally agree with Tinkly saying People can really only treat you as badly as you let them.

CandlesAreBurning · 21/12/2015 11:58

So sorry OP.

For the new year tell him he is the only man in the country who doesn't know how to look after himself and you will work in showing him every bit of household chores each day including shopping etc, so if you are ill or in hospital, he can cope. If not you will find any other man that will look after you.

You Mil is a shit. Even if you had 2 kids of your own, why would she not want to take them both of you so you can hole up in bed/the bathroom.

Original poster
Emmawemmawoowah · 21/12/2015 12:00

He's bought them back now, I've told them to go into their bedroom and leave me alone. He's got a load of hay coming which he has to unload with the tractor, cows to feed and some sheep to take hay to

OP posts:
Tinseleverywhere · 21/12/2015 12:00

Op I think you need to put your foot down too. Ring him again and tell him to get back home now and sort things out or that's it for your relationship. It's that serious.

MidniteScribbler · 21/12/2015 12:14

Dear god, I'm sorry for what you are going through, but please don't try to procreate with this arsehole again.

HermioneWeasley · 21/12/2015 12:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

DollyTwat · 21/12/2015 12:30

If it was me in your situation I think i would go to hospital, get seen to, and rest a bit. He would HAVE to sort everything out then

NeedsAsockamnesty · 21/12/2015 12:31

That is a shockingly insensitive unpleasant question hermione and a totally inappropriate thread to post it on.

Kaytee1987 · 21/12/2015 12:33

Hermione I would guess that it's none of your business. That's a horrible question to ask someone who is right at this moment miscarrying her baby, try and have a little compassion.

HermioneWeasley · 21/12/2015 12:33

Not intended to be insensitive - I'll ask for it to be deleted.

Marynary · 21/12/2015 12:36

I'm really sorry you're having to go through this. If you have passed a big clot there is a good chance that the bleeding will slow down quite dramatically now (I've had three miscarriages) but you really need to rest and your DH needs to look after the children (or get someone else to do it). I hope you can get this across to your DH as it sounds as if he is not quite getting it at the moment. Flowers

Narp · 21/12/2015 12:37

I am so sorry for your loss.

This is atrocious behaviour from him.

SonjasSister7 · 21/12/2015 12:44

Totally agree that the dh's behaviour is areseholish but it doesn't sound as if he's necessarily an arsehole. If OP has never really talked any of this through with him? If this was how his parents were?

Clearly lots of sorting out to do for you op, but as lots of people have pointed out, what if you had had to go into hospital?

He might need to change things at work (and I know farming is really hard) But could he get help in return for you working/ working more in a paid job. To give him a chance to be a dad and a husband, as well asgiving you backup. It woyld also mean there was someone else to step in another time when a calving crisis coincides with sickness in family or whatever. Neither of you should be so isolated.

Guess your dsd is unhappy too in some way - whether related to all this or not. He needs to address this for her sake if he can, obviously that will help you all too.

But for now, I really hope they are all allowing you to rest. PLEAS don't hoover. Seriously - don't build up more bitterness and resentment than you already feel, it will get in the way of you explaining calmly what is needed and your chances of getting it. You may have to ease off a bit in the house for the sake of harmony (assuming dh can be persuaded to take on more) - better he does some housework his way than you exhaust youself doing every little bit your way?

Flowers for now, please rest.

tibbawyrots · 21/12/2015 12:51

Emma I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Thinking of you, please look after yourself as much as you can. Flowers

mamas12 · 21/12/2015 13:00

Oho u poor thing
Right you need to let him know what you want to happen
Dd and dsd to be taken off your hands
You to be looked after
Heating
Food
And that's just the basics because as in the very near future you will be looking back on this day as the start of the end your marriage and does he want another ex wife and child?

PuppyMonkey · 21/12/2015 13:05

Well, as long at the hay and the sheep get sorted, that's the main thing. Hmm

Take care op and do consider your future with this knob end.

GeoffreysGoat · 21/12/2015 13:07

Most 7yo would be thrilled at being a big girl hitching a ride on a tractor, she can go with him surely?

Agree, farming isn't likeost jobs - dependent animals need milking and feeding no matter the circumstances - but a 7 year old is quite capable of tagging along with the basics. Then at least the op can plonk the 2yo in front of cbeebies with a carpet picnic and snuggle.

Condolences on your loss Thanks

Finola1step · 21/12/2015 13:27

I do agree that farming just isn't like other jobs. But that said, your dp is still shirking his responsibilities towards you and his dc.

Yes, most farming 7 year old are more than capable of getting their boots on and mucking in.

How rural are you? Do you have a village nearby with any places that do food? Even the pub. If so, ring them, order food and send him to pick up. Or better still, get them to deliver.

Do you have friends in the village or on nearby farms. My dh's family are mostly village based and quiet rural. When my MIL was alive, if one of the farming or village woman had been in your position, there would have been a group of women or rota, sorting out your meals. Is there anyone who you can call?

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 21/12/2015 13:33

He doesn't know how to use a cash point or a debit card? No, sorry, don't believe it. How can that be possible?

3perfectweemen · 21/12/2015 13:34

Your dp is a pure and utter selfish prick to put it mildly!! He can get someone to cover his work load and be home to take care of you while you lye up!

CoffeeCoffeeAndLotsOfIt · 21/12/2015 13:47

Very sorry you're suffering. I MC earlier this year and I found with me, once I started to pass big clots the cramps eased. Hope that's the case for you too.

I'm not making excuses for your DP, but could it be that he just doesn't appreciate how painful / emotional a mc can be? Being a farmer, unfortunately due to the nature of the job, he may be hardened as it were to body functions / mc / birth etc. I hope he is A LOT more supportive once he's seen to the animals. Thanks

If you feel lightheaded / dizzy etc get him in from the fields straight away.

You've mentioned you still feel pregnant. Have you been scanned? Could you be MC one of a twin?

cees · 21/12/2015 13:57

I bet if something were wrong with a calving cow he'd have the vet called and be in and out constantly checking her. While you got lumbered with both children and one man child who expects you to cook his dinner while miscarrying his baby, what a charmer eh.