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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask about Thursday weddings

156 replies

WombatStewForTea · 20/12/2015 13:56

Posting here for traffic...

DP and I are trying to find and book a venue for our wedding. We've found our perfect venue but it's an hour away from where we live so we've decided not to have a separate evening do as we don't think it's fair to ask people to travel that far for an evening do and scared no one would come

Anyway this option is obviously more expensive so we're looking to cut some costs if we can and one way to do that would be to have a Thursday wedding. I'm a teacher as are a lot of our friends and it'll be in the summer holidays so no problem for them but how do people feel in general about having to take two days off work? We looked at Friday but there's a definite price jump!

So would you be happy to go to a Thursday wedding if you were invited to the whole thing?

OP posts:
waitingforsomething · 21/12/2015 12:36

I think people get so obsessed by their dream wedding venue and all the tiny bits that they forget the best thing ever is having all your friends and family together to celebrate with you. People just want booze, food and to see you looking beautiful and happy. If having it on a week day means people can't come then you lose the point of the wedding in my opinion. People don't care if it's a listed house or a village hall - they want to be there with you

InternationalHouseofToast · 21/12/2015 12:40

If you don't have children yourself, you're less likely to know that parents often only have one week of holiday off together all year, then one parent or the other is then off over school holidays with the children. Even if it's just one parent taking leave, they'd have to put the kids in paid childcare for a day to make up for that day, at some point over the holidays.

I would look at a different venue for a Saturday wedding or see if your chosen venue has a Sunday availability tbh, weekdays in the summer you are going to struggle to get people with children to attend (may not be a problem for you). The fact that it's the summer holiday doesn't mean that it's easier for them to arrange time away at a wedding.

WhoKn0wsWhereTheMistletoes · 21/12/2015 12:44

Friday not much better than Thursday IMO, you still have to take a day off work. I've been to about 40 weddings over the years and every single one has been a Saturday, I'd far rather compromise on venue than guest attendance.

Bogeyface · 21/12/2015 12:54

The thing is, a dream venue is not going to be that great if its practically empty by 8pm is it?

What is your vision for your wedding? Maybe we could help you change a few things that would make it just as good but doable on a Saturday?

The "dream venue" is only really good for photos, it wont make the party any better, wont make the atmosphere more fun, and if it costs you half your guest list because of the date then its actually working against what you want.

Would you rather remember the stunning entrance hall and chair covers with potentially not that many people in them, or a less dramatic venue and you still partying away with all your friends at 2am?

LibrariesgaveusP0wer · 21/12/2015 12:59

Thanks for all the replies. As I said earlier it's my DP who is pushing for a Thursday and I'd rather have a Friday (Saturday is out as its already booked up on every Saturday)

What about a Sunday? If most people live close enough to get home that night, a Sunday can work well. Your evening do ends up less raucous normally though.

I agree that it's interesting that most of the people defending weekday weddings are those who've had them!

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 21/12/2015 13:02

Excellent point Bogey.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 21/12/2015 13:08

My cousin had a weekday, child free wedding. It was also during termtime.

No idea who did or didn't show up, but she was completely unable to see that if I came (200 miles so no chance of driving home after) then DH would have to stay home to look after the children, as all the family would be at the wedding! She was honestly just like, 'can't you get a babysitter?'

I can't get a babysitter for 6 year old twins let alone 6 month old twins! And especially not overnight!

Fratelli · 21/12/2015 13:12

Surely the actual marriage and sharing the day with the people you love is more important than the venue? I think couples get so hung up on all these things other than what's actually important.

MontyYouTerribleCunt · 21/12/2015 13:27

Bogey makes a good point. Also, if it was my wedding, I don't think I'd want people inwardly rolling their eyes thinking "why did I have to take time off work for this instead of going on holiday". It would be nice if everyone could make the best of it and treat it like a mini holiday, but I would put money on there being a good few guests who would feel they should attend but be inwardly wishing they hadn't had to use their holiday. Would massively take the shine off the day and perfect venue for me.

notquitehuman · 21/12/2015 14:40

A lot of couples have said they had midweek weddings, and everyone turned up and nobody minded. Thing is, you wouldn't complain to the bride and groom would you? You'd suck it up, use annual leave etc so you could make it, but it's not like your guests are going to openly voice that they were inconvenienced.

PeasinPod1 · 21/12/2015 14:48

Think any week day wedding, Friday included, is just annoying. Of course its partly seen as a selfish decision as of its about couple and what they want- getting their dream venue for a cheaper price, but inconveniencing a lot of their guests. Annual leave is very precious so annoying to have to use at least 1 whole day on a wedding so the couple can save a few ££. Would much prefer a less fancy venue on a Saturday.

Autumn2014 · 21/12/2015 14:59

Another poster made a good point. Turn the issue on its head and imagine if you were the recipient of a wedding invitation and the bride and groom had booked a wedding for a Thursday in term time, and the only way you as a teacher could attend was for the head to grant you unpaid leave. Either one day if you drove the day of the wedding and left the evening do early to get back home in reasonable time to get up on the Friday to teach, or take 2 days unpaid leave so that you could stay overnight to enjoy the full day. I'm sure you would feel inconvenienced by their choice of venue and date, no matter how close you were to them. Because even if people do have enough annual leave to take for your wedding then you are potentially asking them to use it up so that they may have to take unpaid leave for another event like childcare or family crisis because they none left.

LagunaBubbles · 21/12/2015 15:18

Anyone that is important you OP and you them (which for me is the only kind of people I want at my wedding!) will have no problem taking a day or two off to see you get wed

Thats really unfair. Its not a question of people having a "problem" to of taking a few days off work for lots of people but whether they actually can.

Bogeyface · 21/12/2015 15:24

I agree Laguna

Its not always that simple, especially as a lot of places have seasonal restrictions. H for example is not allowed to take any time off at all in December, so even if it was his own child getting married, if it was on a Thursday he wouldnt be able to attend.

Twindroops · 21/12/2015 15:35

Another one here suggesting sunday of a bank holiday weekend, worked a treat for us.
If I got married again I would definitely cut some costs but not get married in the week, no.

LibrariesgaveusP0wer · 21/12/2015 16:03

A lot of couples have said they had midweek weddings, and everyone turned up and nobody minded. Thing is, you wouldn't complain to the bride and groom would you? You'd suck it up, use annual leave etc so you could make it, but it's not like your guests are going to openly voice that they were inconvenienced.

Yup, the year I had had two Sunday and one Friday wedding I was fairly annoyed. We had to take annual leave for two of them because of travel, and did for the third because they were close.

It was annoying, but I didn't say anything to any of them.

To be fair, one couple had an issue that the DH's work and colleagues meant Saturdays were impossible for most of them. They went for a Sunday though, not a week day.

Preciousxbane · 21/12/2015 17:38

I have been to a wedding on a Thursday and it was a PITA as at a distance we had to take two days leave and it was child free which meant getting childcare was very difficult because we didn't feel we could ask people to take leave to look after DC.

Of course I didn't complain to my nephew. The venue was amazing and it saved about 3k on the hire fees. It was visually the most beautiful wedding I have ever attended and I have been to 35 weddings. It lasted 3 years.

Headofthehive55 · 21/12/2015 20:01

I agree with people about the knock on effect on leave. A family member got married on a Thursday. it's not about oh if you are close enough. All our animal leave is allocated for childcare. Taking two days off ment we couldn't be together much at Christmas....annoying to see said family member on FB at Christmas of course with family but we couldn't do the same!

Bogeyface · 21/12/2015 20:04

All our animal leave is allocated for childcare

Snurkle :o

yorkshapudding · 21/12/2015 21:16

Agree that the responses saying "if they love you they'll find a way to be there" etc. are unrealistic and unfair. I have been invited to five weddings this year, had they all been on weekdays that would be a whole week of annual leave on weddings alone, meaning DH and I wouldn't get a holiday together this year. Does that mean I don't care about the friends who invited me? Hmm

As has been pointed out upthread, it is really tricky for some non-teachers to get time off in the school holidays. Sometimes it's just not possible. I have had to decline an invitation to a Tuesday wedding next summer as it clashes with an important project at work that I'm taking the lead on. If I were to back out I would be wasting months of hard work, letting my colleagues down, giving myself a reputation as unreliable and would possibly lead to being overlooked for involvement in such projects in the future. The bride and groom and I want to see them get married but I can't be in two places at once and I do think that choosing to get married on a Tuesday puts a lot of people in a really difficult position.

I resent the implication that the onus is on the invited person to prove their friendship by incurring massive inconvenience, cost etc. but the birde and groom are under no obligation whatsoever to make it easy or convenient for their friends and family to attend.

yorkshapudding · 21/12/2015 21:17

Sorry that was supposed to be "the bride and groom are close friends and I want to see them get married", am rubbish at typing on my phone.

MidniteScribbler · 21/12/2015 22:35

I'm a teacher, and I hate it when colleagues think that it's such a great idea to have their weddings on the school holidays. I'm on the first available flight after school closes, and not back until the very last available flight, every holidays. There are only two flights per week, so if someone decides to have a wedding a week in to the holidays, then I could lose up to a week and a half of my own holiday. Now I just say I've already booked flights, so sorry, here's a present, have a nice wedding.

westcoastnortherneragain · 21/12/2015 22:38

How about a Monday? People may only need to take one day off then

Headofthehive55 · 21/12/2015 22:42

Oh I didn't see the spelling mistake ( poor eyesight) but bogeyface it does feel a little bit like a zoo here!

expatinscotland · 21/12/2015 22:53

Find another venue. This one is not at all practical.