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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by their choice of church? (Another wedding one- sorry)

262 replies

WanderingNotLost · 20/12/2015 00:36

A good friend of my DP's is getting married next year. We're quite close to the friend and his fiancée and I like them both a lot.

A while ago they chose a reception venue quite close to my home town- neither of them is from there, it's just a convenient and close-ish distance from where they live. I found out today though that they've now decided to get married in the church that I've always assumed I'll get married in myself.

My family has close ties to this church; my Grandfather grew up in the village and was an alter boy in the church; he is buried there and his name is included on the honour roll of local men who served in WWII. On the other hand our friends have no connection to it at all, it's just the closest one to their reception venue.

AIBU to be a bit upset/disappointed by this? It's true DP and I aren't even engaged yet (although we're not far off) but I feel like when the time comes it will feel a bit less special for me because I (and a decent number of mine and DP's friends) will already have been to a wedding there, and we'll just be reusing a church that someone else we know got married in before us, and our wedding day will be compared to that one. Were it as important to our friends as it is to me I think I'd be less upset, but to them it's just a church like any other.

OP posts:
noeffingidea · 20/12/2015 11:40

3 of my siblings were married in the same church, (our local one that our family 'belonged' to), all in the space of a year. I think they all managed to still enjoy their weddings.
Really, OP. Just try and get over yourself. You're not really a special little snowflake, you know.

FayKorgasm · 20/12/2015 11:42

Just turn up at the wedding in a big white dress and get dp to propose at the reception.
That'll learn the Church Stealing Cow.

LaurieMarlow · 20/12/2015 11:43

OP, if you were for some reason unable to have your ceremony in this church, then your disappointment would be understandable.

But that's not it. You seem to be suggesting that your friends prior use of the church sullies it for you - and that is utterly ridiculous. Churches are communal places, they serve communities, not individuals. Your friends have as much right to this space as you do. Like a preschooler, you're going to have to learn to share.

ZedWoman · 20/12/2015 11:48

Weddings last for a day. Marriages (should) last for a lifetime. If people put as much time and effort into planning and preparing for marriages as they do planning 'perfect' weddings, maybe the success rate would be higher.

Pipbin · 20/12/2015 11:48

Also, how old are you op?
You see, you say that your grandfather served in the Second World War. Both of my grandfathers served and I'm 40.
Judging by that I assume that you are at least 30 something rather than a 20 year old and therefore should have seen enough of life to know that things like this aren't worth getting in a fluster about.

Hullygully · 20/12/2015 11:51

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

hiddenhome2 · 20/12/2015 11:54

Here is your engagement ring Smile

💍

💑

👰🏼

💒

Ha, ha.......

Chippednailvarnish · 20/12/2015 12:00

Piece of now that would be brilliant!

Imagine if the Groom chose to get married somewhere other than this church!! Mind you as the OP doesn't care what my bridesmaids wear. I don't care where the reception will be. I don't care about flower arrangements, or colour schemes, or canapés it would be the easiest wedding preparation ever. Or the bride-to-be-who-isn't-actually-getting-married-or-engaged-yet could be lulling us into a false sense of security... Grin
I'd love to see this thread in classics...

BeaufortBelle · 20/12/2015 12:10

Presumably if your friend and her dh have no connections with the church and the parish a special dispensation is/was required from the bishop. If he or she is fine with it, it's fine and you just need to move on.

Apart from that the blessing I given before the same God wherever it is given and that is the point of a church service. The rest is flummery.

BeaufortBelle · 20/12/2015 12:11

Is not I

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 20/12/2015 12:20

I can understnd a juvenile passing of thought, it's like when you're young and see you sibling/friends get something you want. However, as adults it should only be a passing thought, the fact you've gone futher and posted on here suggests you're more than a little jealous. The fact you have flounced when people have expressed how very unreasonable you are though, means you'll not accept this. Oh and not everyone has planned their wedding in such a way before getting engaged. My local church has big connections to both my grandparents, possibly even more so than your reasons, I will not be getting married there. I'm actually engaged, however our wedding has been put back a year or so because of finacial reasons. I have ideas, but could not give a flying Xmas duck if friends get married in the same place/do a similar thing before us. A wedding day is for other people mostly - who the heck cares that your wedding was held in the same place as another as long as it's the start of a long and happy marriage?

PetShopGirl · 20/12/2015 12:23

This thread is vile. I honestly don't know when I've seen nastier. Yes, the OP is most probably being unreasonable, but bloody hell, this is like the playground. And some of the worst offenders professing to be Christian too...

Perniciousness · 20/12/2015 12:45

Petshop. - I've posted a YABU comment on this thread but I agree with you that some of the comments are nasty. Maybe it's because posters think it's a troll post - if they do then they should just report.
I've reported posts for being personal attacks.

pieceofpurplesky · 20/12/2015 12:47

Chipped .... I think it would be the one where the bride didn't go through with it!

SoupDragon · 20/12/2015 12:50

I've reported posts for being personal attacks.

Did you also report the OP for telling a poster to piss off?

Sparklycat · 20/12/2015 12:54

Hahahaha good luck finding a venue no one else has ever been married in.

HawkEyeTheNoo · 20/12/2015 12:56

Dear OP,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your DF, I am sure at this time of year it will be extra keen and you are probably a bit over sensitive.

Try to keep in mind that you are not going to celebrate a wedding, you are celebrating a marriage, each one is unique, as yours will be. It doesn't matter where you get married, it matters about what marriage means to you and everyone is different therefore your wedding will be different to another's even if it is in the same venue.

We all have expectations of our weddings, some from little girls who knew what they wanted from a young age, yours was with your DF walking you down the aisle, I'm sorry this won't happen but I'm sure he will be with you with every step you take.

My DM will not survive to see me marry and for this my sorrow is profound and makes me so so very sad, I won't be able to marry in the church she did as they have closed the church, but it won't matter, I will be walking to the man I love, my future and my hopes and dreams. Please try to do the same, she may be using you dream church with little or no connections to her or her DP, but that's all it is to her, a place to walk to her future, she won't have the history that you have there, therefore your marriage will be completely different.

OP, don't sweat the small stuff, just try to find a way to look at it differently. I hope you have the future wedding you dream of and that your hopes and dreams are met Thanks

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 20/12/2015 12:56

I've not seen any poster here be offensive? It may only seem harsh because the OP is being so very unreasonable and coming over as petulant and childish. There is no nice way of pointing those facts out. It's not bullying or a 'personal attack' to take a hard line, telling people to 'piss off' is though.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 20/12/2015 12:58

Wandering - I promise you that, when your wedding day comes, it will be special and unique, and such a whirlwind that you won't have time to think about any other weddings that have happened in that church.

LyndaNotLinda · 20/12/2015 12:59

They totally should have consulted you before booking it. How very dare they!

Enjolrass · 20/12/2015 12:59

I don't think this is about the church.

I think it's about the 'almost engaged' part.

Her friends have got engaged and planning a wedding that the OP would like. I think the OP is clinging onto the bit about the church because deep down its about jealousy and the fact that she would like her relationship to be further along.

The bit where she assumes they have no connection to that church makes her feel more reasonable.

She wants to be the couple planning their wedding on that place and at that church. Instead it's someone else and she is feeling envy.

We all do from time to time whether it's reasonable or not.

SauvignonBlanche · 20/12/2015 13:10

YABVU, I've got to agree with,
You are so far over the unreasonableness horizon that I'm surprised you've not met yourself coming the other way

PetShopGirl · 20/12/2015 13:14

Actually I would say it is pretty bullying to suggest the OP's DP should leave her. And I don't suppose many could dispute that calling her 'mental' is pretty offensive, on many levels.

Jibberjabberjooo · 20/12/2015 13:17

OP, yabu. Stop having a childish strop because it wasn't the answer you wanted.

mydogeatsnutstoo · 20/12/2015 13:17

Get a grip! You are being totally unreasonable. The only person who cares what church you get married in is you.