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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by their choice of church? (Another wedding one- sorry)

262 replies

WanderingNotLost · 20/12/2015 00:36

A good friend of my DP's is getting married next year. We're quite close to the friend and his fiancée and I like them both a lot.

A while ago they chose a reception venue quite close to my home town- neither of them is from there, it's just a convenient and close-ish distance from where they live. I found out today though that they've now decided to get married in the church that I've always assumed I'll get married in myself.

My family has close ties to this church; my Grandfather grew up in the village and was an alter boy in the church; he is buried there and his name is included on the honour roll of local men who served in WWII. On the other hand our friends have no connection to it at all, it's just the closest one to their reception venue.

AIBU to be a bit upset/disappointed by this? It's true DP and I aren't even engaged yet (although we're not far off) but I feel like when the time comes it will feel a bit less special for me because I (and a decent number of mine and DP's friends) will already have been to a wedding there, and we'll just be reusing a church that someone else we know got married in before us, and our wedding day will be compared to that one. Were it as important to our friends as it is to me I think I'd be less upset, but to them it's just a church like any other.

OP posts:
AnyoneButSanta · 20/12/2015 00:53

That's hilarious. I don't know how much you had riding on your late bid to win Most Unreasonable AIBU of 2015 but you're definitely in with a shot.

coffeeisnectar · 20/12/2015 00:53

Are you on glue?

ReallyTired · 20/12/2015 00:54

www.churchofengland.org/our-views/marriage,-family-and-sexuality-issues/marriage/more-choice-of-church-wedding.aspx

It might be amusing if the op finds she does not have a qualifying connection. Although from what she says it's likely her grandfather got married in that church. The qualifying connection rule is less strict than when I got married.

coffeeisnectar · 20/12/2015 00:56

Can you imagine when the op has a baby? What if someone she knows has given birth in the same hospital? Will she insist that other people travel elsewhere because that's where she will have her baby?

Utterly bonkers. If only my life had so few problems that this was the biggest worry I had.

Original poster
WanderingNotLost · 20/12/2015 00:57

Ok, this may be rich coming from me but I feel like some of you are overreacting slightly.

I'm not crying hysterically, stamping my feet and saying how dare they get married there. I certainly wouldn't dream of telling them to get married somewhere else! And unlike a PP this isn't the only church for miles, there are plenty of them around. And obviously I know other people have got married there before, but I don't know anybody (and I've been to God only knows how many weddings) who's been married in the same place as another close friend- so far they've all been quite spread out.

I'm not a bride-zilla in waiting at all (the idea is laughable) usually I'm so laid back I'm almost horizontal. But this means a lot to me.

And by close to being engaged, I mean DP and I live together and have both agreed that we want to get married before we have children, which will be in the next few years.

OP posts:
Dipankrispaneven · 20/12/2015 00:57

I've got news for you, OP, the likelihood is that at least 20 couples get married in that church every year, probably many more. Even if your friend doesn't get married there, there is every chance that several of your relatives and friends will already have been to a wedding there by now. And churches don't tend to look that different from each other inside.

PervyMuskrat · 20/12/2015 00:58

Erm, do you attend the church?

ReallyTired · 20/12/2015 01:06

"And by close to being engaged, I mean DP and I live together and have both agreed that we want to get married before we have children, which will be in the next few years."

You aren't even remotely serious about marriage. An engagement means very little unless there is an actual date set for marriage. I have friends who have been "engaged" for years with partners not prepared to commit. If the op ever does marry her boyfriend then her friends will not remember the wedding they attended years ago.

Pantone363 · 20/12/2015 01:07

Don't worry about the church OP.

Have a vintage style reception for true originality

BarbarianMum · 20/12/2015 01:09

It means a lot to you that your friends don't get married in this church? That your wedding will be 'less special' if they do (because clearly it being your wedding won't make it special enough)?

You are so far over the unreasonableness horizon that I'm surprised you've not met yourself coming the other way.

AyeAmarok · 20/12/2015 01:12

Em...

I can't decide if you're being serious or not.

Please don't be.

reni2 · 20/12/2015 01:13

Are you upset because you'd like get married earlier?

Champagneformyrealfriends · 20/12/2015 01:13

YABU. Just be happy for your friend. Also I agree with a PP, engagement is meaningless without a wedding date.

Original poster
WanderingNotLost · 20/12/2015 01:14

With the exception of me and my Mum, almost my entire family has moved away from that area now so the likelihood of someone else I know getting married there is actually pretty slim.

For God's sake guys I'm not being a brat and kicking up a fuss, I'm just a bit disappointed.

OP posts:
ReallyTired · 20/12/2015 01:15

"A while ago they chose a reception venue quite close to my home town- neither of them is from there, it's just a convenient and close-ish distance from where they live. I found out today though that they've now decided to get married in the church that I've always assumed I'll get married in myself. "

They aren't originally from your home town, but they have now set up home in your home town. Choosing a church close-ish to where they live is reasonable. Maybe they now live in the parish for that church or shock horror worship there. It could be argued that they have a stronger claim to marry in that church than the op.

Some regular church goers get pissed off with people who see a pretty church as a pretty backdrop for weddings or christenings, but have no desire to get involved with the life of the church. A church is more than a building for an imaginary wedding.

AdjustableWench · 20/12/2015 01:21

There's a church near me where several of my friends have got married, as well as a couple of family members. Every wedding is different, and I haven't compared one wedding to another, even though the venue is the same. I think you're worrying unnecessarily.

One piece of advice though: when you do get married, choose some decent hymns. Couples seem to pick from a pool of about six hymns, and that does kind of make the service a bit samey. Forget 'Make Me a Channel of Your Peace' and 'Be Thou My Vision' - choose 'Love Divine, All Loves Excelling' or 'Come Down O Love Divine', or even 'Mine Eyes Have Seen the Glory'. Same thing with the Bible readings: don't bother with that Corinthians reading - go for Song of Songs instead!

A well-thought-out service will stand out from the millions of weddings that all follow the same order.

reni2 · 20/12/2015 01:24

Don't say it out loud in rl, op. You can't help how you feel, but it really is their church as much as yours, they live there now.

Sadmother · 20/12/2015 01:25

I can't imagine your wedding will be that fun anyway, if minor details like this are important to you.

Strokethefurrywall · 20/12/2015 01:27

Errrr yes. Yes you are being unreasonable to be disappointed.

Get a grip OP, for everyone's sake.

handslikecowstits · 20/12/2015 01:27

Massively unreasonable and quite bonkers.

Original poster
WanderingNotLost · 20/12/2015 01:29

It's actually a good 25+ miles from London where they (and we) live. The reception venue was the nearest decent one within budget and this is the nearest church to that venue.

I attend a church nearer to me in London most weeks- I attend that church with my Mum whenever I go home, and obviously every Christmas- I was confirmed there in my mid-20's.

And Sadmother maybe the place where you get/got married is a minor detail, but to me it isn't. And I'll be willing to bet a large proportion of PPs envisaged their wedding in a certain place that was important to them long before they met their spouses.

OP posts:
purplefizz26 · 20/12/2015 01:29

YabVu Grin

You are not even engaged
It is not only your church
Lots of people will marry there every year
Why would this couple give a crap that your grandad was an alter boy etc? Or even think they shouldn't marry there?

Probably best you don't share your thoughts with anybody out loud. Honestly, it's really daft.

mathanxiety · 20/12/2015 01:32

This is crazy. It is not your church despite your family's connection to it. Get a grip.

...Speaking as someone who got married in a church where there were three weddings that day and probably a few hundred every year. For my wedding day the three brides got together and we all chipped in for the flowers, with everyone's colours represented. The church looked fantastic. Hope their marriages turned out happier than mine.

Original poster
WanderingNotLost · 20/12/2015 01:33

For heaven's sake, I'm not saying they can't get married there, I know plenty of people get married there, I know I don't own the church. People seem to think I'm being a complete whiny brat about this. I'm not. I'm just (inwardly, and on MN) a bit disappointed. Yikes.

OP posts:
handslikecowstits · 20/12/2015 01:34

And I'll be willing to bet a large proportion of PPs envisaged their wedding in a certain place that was important to them long before they met their spouses.

Nope. I didn't. I just hoped the groom would be a nice bloke and turn up.

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