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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by their choice of church? (Another wedding one- sorry)

262 replies

WanderingNotLost · 20/12/2015 00:36

A good friend of my DP's is getting married next year. We're quite close to the friend and his fiancée and I like them both a lot.

A while ago they chose a reception venue quite close to my home town- neither of them is from there, it's just a convenient and close-ish distance from where they live. I found out today though that they've now decided to get married in the church that I've always assumed I'll get married in myself.

My family has close ties to this church; my Grandfather grew up in the village and was an alter boy in the church; he is buried there and his name is included on the honour roll of local men who served in WWII. On the other hand our friends have no connection to it at all, it's just the closest one to their reception venue.

AIBU to be a bit upset/disappointed by this? It's true DP and I aren't even engaged yet (although we're not far off) but I feel like when the time comes it will feel a bit less special for me because I (and a decent number of mine and DP's friends) will already have been to a wedding there, and we'll just be reusing a church that someone else we know got married in before us, and our wedding day will be compared to that one. Were it as important to our friends as it is to me I think I'd be less upset, but to them it's just a church like any other.

OP posts:
venusandmars · 20/12/2015 10:01

OP (if you're still around), you are a little disappointed, and I guess you posted hoping for some helpful advice, so I hope this does help:

Are there anyways in which you can re-frame your thoughts in a more positive way? e.g. - when you attend your friend's wedding, going to the same church will enhance your delightful anticipation, knowing that the following year (or whenever) you will be the one walking down the aisle and making vows with your dp;

  • can you imagine how for mutual friends a happy event in the same location will add to their happiness, rather than diminish it, they will feel the happiness of your ceremony and it will be also built on the happiness of your friend's wedding - a bit like going back to the same place on holiday and building on the previous years happy memories;
  • of the course the vicar will hold a lovely ceremony for everyone who gets married in that church, it always adds a particular warmth and depth to the ceremony when the vicar knows the people involved, and their families.

This year I have been to 3 weddings in the same place (ceremony and reception all in the same venue) and you'd be amazed by how different each one of them was - what makes each one special (in their own way) is the love and personality of the couple. and what it means to them to be making this commitment. There is just no comparing.

WilburIsSomePig · 20/12/2015 10:08

I'm not sure I understand this.

You surely wouldn't be upset if any other couple chose to get married in this church, so presumably it's just because you know this couple, is that right? You're entitled to feel any way you like. I think you just need to be happy for this couple and embrace the fact that you are going to a wedding in a lovely church that means a lot to you.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 20/12/2015 10:11

Can I suggest that Futurebrizella whilst probably accurate, is a little long-winded, and put possibly be shorted to Fuzilla?

Borninthe60s · 20/12/2015 10:13

Yabvu. I presume as its your church you're in the congregation at every service.

What's nearly engaged, you either are or your not?

Sparkletastic · 20/12/2015 10:15

Your attitude isn't very Christian. Try asking yourself, "what would Jesus do?".

HTH

TiggyD · 20/12/2015 10:24

So it's kind of like licking a biscuit so your sibling can't eat it? Tricky thing religion.

Firstly, your other half might not want to get engaged to be married to you.

Secondly, if you make it memorable enough nobody will remember the other wedding. How about a Star Wars theme? All nude? BDSM/Fifty Shades inspired?

sofiahelin · 20/12/2015 10:29

Propose to your dp on Christmas Day, get married on Valentines Day.

Problem sorted Grin

Or if not, try and change your 'it has to be unique' mind frame. If you must compare see it as a chance to check out how they arrange things & remember the place is special to you but not for her so it will feel special for you. I've been to ++++ weddings in the same church and they've all been completely different, it never crossed my mind to compare them.

Kaytee1987 · 20/12/2015 10:30

Yabu and kind of ridiculous but I think you know that. If you're feeling like this before you're even engaged I can't imagine how stressed you're going to be whilst planning.

girlguide123 · 20/12/2015 10:31

*"Your attitude isn't very Christian. Try asking yourself, "what would Jesus do?".

HTH"*

you win today, sparkle!

this whole thread has given me a great chuckle on a Sunday morning (I'm not well & haven't gone to church...)

OP - you know, we all have an unreasonable pang of jealousy sometimes, but my advice is NOT TO VOICE THIS ONE OUT LOUD. or your friends will think you're bonkers. seriously.

Russellgroupserf · 20/12/2015 10:31

So you do actually attend this church, as a good Christian you should be very pleased that this church is being used.

You need to pray for some humility. I have gut reactions that I know sometimes conflict with my faith but I do my best to overcome them.

LynetteScavo · 20/12/2015 10:33

Eh? I thought it was normal for people to get married in the same church as their friends.

My DC were baptised in the same church as most of their friends. They had first communion in the same church as many of their friends. They were confirmed on the same church as their friends. It will be normal, and in fact lovely if they get married in that church, or attend friends weddings there. The church is part of the community. So I find it difficult to understand why this would bother someone so much. Maybe we're old fashioned around here.

redexpat · 20/12/2015 10:34

girlguide has it.

definitelybutter1 · 20/12/2015 10:39

Have you thought that there may be a funeral in the same church on the day of your wedding.

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 20/12/2015 10:47

How bizarre. I've lost count of the number of weddings I've been to in our church (in a university city - students attend our church, graduate, stay in the city cos it's lovely, lots of weddings the first couple of years after graduation 😀).
Anyhow, every wedding is that bit more special because of all the memories of all the other weddings.

LibrariesgaveusP0wer · 20/12/2015 10:49

Ha ha ha.

This is a joke right? (Actually, I am slightly suspicious that a church would actually marry someone with no link to the area, no Christian faith and not resident in the parish. Generally speaking, they aren't happy to be used as pretty buildings by those whose reception venue is nearby).

I mean, a church. The purpose of a church building is for those who believe to worship their God and to celebrate and observe important life events. If those things mean something to you, why on earth would you give a flying fuck what anyone else does?

I married in a church where I have attended numerous weddings. Funnily enough, it never crossed my mind.

MamaLazarou · 20/12/2015 10:49

You should definitely try to steal their thunder by sneakily getting married in the same church before your friends do.

That'll learn them!

SpecialistSnowflake · 20/12/2015 10:53

Really, it'll all be fine OP. Perhaps your DP will be so smitten by the place that he'll get on with proposing! But very few guests will be concerned about the surroundings, or even all that interested. It will ONLY be of any interest if you get upset and tell people why! It doesn't have to become any less special to you. It's not a one-use-only venue. I assume you could use flowers, etc to personalize it a bit? Be happy for your friends, and be happy that the church gets used. Only the bridal party will remember the church more than the reception venue.

Janeymoo50 · 20/12/2015 10:59

Don't go, they have ruined your dream the total bast*rds.
You reek of envy.

TheCraicDealer · 20/12/2015 11:00

Thanks for posting that link Italian; I want to get married in DP's village church in England, but thought they might tell us to bugger off because I'm CoIreland and he's never attended (though his parents do on occasion). Makes things a bit clearer!

Plenty of his/our friends have got married in the same church, doesn't bother me in the slightest that it'll be "less special" for the limited number of guests who will be at both do's. Let's face it, we also aren't even engaged yet- by the time we're going down the aisle people probably won't even remember where the other couples got married. Your annoyance seems to stem from the fact it's not you're not yet in a position to start planning anything and this petulant foot stamping with reasons like "I was confirmed there!" is really more like, "it should be me". Admit to yourself why you're really annoyed and get over it.

Oysterbabe · 20/12/2015 11:06

Hope you're limbering up for some bouquet catching.

specialsubject · 20/12/2015 11:11

if your fiance-to-be (is there such a thing?) reads this the problem may be solved. Run, you clever boy...

alternative - build your own nice clean church that no other bride has ever sullied.

seriously; this would be unreasonable for a toddler. Please check the mirror.

pieceofpurplesky · 20/12/2015 11:19

Any one else think that the op and her dp should apply for 'don't tell the bride'?
It would be the best one ever!

lorelei9 · 20/12/2015 11:23

This is a joke, yes?
You say you are merely disappointed but I shudder to think how you'll cope with actual, er, life, if you find this disappointing.

There's an argument that friends being married there too will make more of an attachment to the church, not make it less special!

AllMyBestFriendsAreMetalheads · 20/12/2015 11:31

Fuzilla brings to mind images of giant pasta shouting "how very dare they!"

I like it though.

lorelei9 · 20/12/2015 11:38

AllMy, can you draw? That's a cartoon hit right there Grin