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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by their choice of church? (Another wedding one- sorry)

262 replies

WanderingNotLost · 20/12/2015 00:36

A good friend of my DP's is getting married next year. We're quite close to the friend and his fiancée and I like them both a lot.

A while ago they chose a reception venue quite close to my home town- neither of them is from there, it's just a convenient and close-ish distance from where they live. I found out today though that they've now decided to get married in the church that I've always assumed I'll get married in myself.

My family has close ties to this church; my Grandfather grew up in the village and was an alter boy in the church; he is buried there and his name is included on the honour roll of local men who served in WWII. On the other hand our friends have no connection to it at all, it's just the closest one to their reception venue.

AIBU to be a bit upset/disappointed by this? It's true DP and I aren't even engaged yet (although we're not far off) but I feel like when the time comes it will feel a bit less special for me because I (and a decent number of mine and DP's friends) will already have been to a wedding there, and we'll just be reusing a church that someone else we know got married in before us, and our wedding day will be compared to that one. Were it as important to our friends as it is to me I think I'd be less upset, but to them it's just a church like any other.

OP posts:
StillStayingClassySanDiego · 20/12/2015 08:18

😊 I loved this thread.

Bless the OP, absolutely convinced she's not at all wrong, it's that other couple being totally unreasonable, don't you know!

UhtredRagnorsson · 20/12/2015 08:19

I got married in the same church as many of my school friends. Do you know why? BECAUSE IT WAS THE CHURCH WE ALL WENT TO. It was also the church my mum and many people we knew had had their funerals in. I'd also done the music at a shed load of weddings and funerals for people I didn't know well or at all in that church. That's what a close connection with a church is, being part of the parish family. You are being ridiculous.

MamaLazarou · 20/12/2015 08:28

Most LOLworthy AIBU ever. Well done! Grin

(PS: YABU)

PetShopGirl · 20/12/2015 08:38

Some of the responses on this thread are horrible. It actually feels quite bullying.

OP has been quite clear that this is really just a vague feeling of disappointment, one that she's not even planning on communicating to the couple in question. Hardly crime of the century.

OP, if you're even still reading now, I can understand feeling a bit that way, but I think it would be unreasonable to start dwelling on it too much as in the end it really doesn't matter. But I think you probably know that anyway.

You just need to make sure you have better flowers, music, readings etc once it's your turn Wink.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 20/12/2015 08:39

Serious and wider point first - I don't really agree with churches gatekeeping access to their sacraments (which marriage is classed as depending on what you believe about it). Even if someone's wedding is the first and last time they set foot in a church, it is still an opportunity to welcome them and be Christ to them - to evangelise. I don't think Jesus demanded a qualifying connection to him before he healed people. (Well, perhaps once, with the Syrophoenician woman, and she put him right).

OP - YABVU.

Rivercam · 20/12/2015 08:43

In the days before stately homes etc were allowed to hold weddings, you regularly went to several weddings in the same church, and reception venue. No one thought anything of it. Each wedding was special and different.

Mehitabel6 · 20/12/2015 08:44

How odd! I expect the church itself would be a bit put out that you view it as personal property and want to discourage others! I think you have the wrong attitude to church weddings if you think it is to do with the location!
It will not spoil things for you! YABU.

LittleLionMansMummy · 20/12/2015 08:44

Op: AIBU?
Everyone: Yes.
Op: No I'm not. [flounce]

Grin

This has to win awards for the most unanimous 'yes YABU' ever.

If you're still watching op, feelings are strong and you can't help that. But looking at it rationally, and saying it out loud to yourself, you must see that this is an overreaction? Is there some 'history' of this friend stealing your thunder in other circumstances that is colouring your perception?

autumnboys · 20/12/2015 09:00

Wandering, if you're not already on it join church electoral roll next time it opens (probably the early spring). Although you sound like you have very acceptable qualifying connections, being on the electoral roll will only help, especially if there's a change of vicar in the meantime.

Mehitabel6 · 20/12/2015 09:02

On MN you can be sure that if the majority find YABU then YABU because it doesn't happen very often. Grin

JugglingFromHereToThere · 20/12/2015 09:02

I'm sure in lots of villages up and down the country everyone from that village got married in the local church, especially a few years ago, when there weren't all these new fancy venues! YABVU Grin
I'm sure both couples can have a lovely wedding in this charming old church

JulesJules · 20/12/2015 09:02

Oh, OP.

Just say We'll be reusing a church that someone else got married in out loud.

Your wedding (if you do get engaged, and then married) will be special to you.

Devilishpyjamas · 20/12/2015 09:02

I had a church I wanted to get married in - it was my childhood church, has been in the choir there & we used to hang out there a lot as kids. We needed a special licence - which was granted - but my ex choir master got the right hump. He hadn't been allowed to marry in the church as he was marrying a divorcee (a decision I thought was pretty harsh at the time considering everything he did for the parish) & seemed to take us getting the special licence personally. He was spectacularly unhelpful throughout the arrangements and sort of dripped resentment.

Anyway despite his best efforts it was a beautiful place to marry & special because of the memories. So I get that bit of wanting to marry in a particular place. But OP you're in danger of behaving like the choirmaster. Because DH & I then lived hundreds of miles away & my parents had moved to a neighbouring parish he saw us as having no rights to get married there. I found it really odd

  • but he was clearly not happy about it. As it was at the wedding we had a back row pew full of the village old ladies who love to nose at a wedding (my mum invited them in as they were going to stand outside - and they were going on about me aged 5 - just to prove there was a link!)

I love going to weddings there.

But anyway - don't be like the choir master - he was pretty unpleasant tbh.

NorthernLurker · 20/12/2015 09:13

OP when you use AIBU you have to accept sometimes people will say YABU. It's how it works.

I think yabu and a bit daft. Get over yourself.

ArmchairTraveller · 20/12/2015 09:15

'Just say We'll be reusing a church that someone else got married in out loud.'

This.
The church I got married in was medieval. God only knows how many other people had used it before us. For funerals as well Shock
If you want to be annoyed, be annoyed about the church being a commercial enterprise, willing to take the cash and not bother about connections to the parish.
Pop up churches are becoming a thing, you could buy a new one and no one will have been married before you.
First you need a fiance though...

MrsHathaway · 20/12/2015 09:23

We got married in a chapel that nearly nobody had been married in before (not licensed, Archbishop's special licence). We did so because of a special connection.

It's not about the church. I hope you can unpack the other issues before your big day.

shazzarooney99 · 20/12/2015 09:25

Oh my goodness, i think you need to seriously get a grip if his is the only thing you have to worry about, so what if she gets married in the same church you want too, thousands of people get married in the same churches, how pathetic.

MajesticSeaFlapFlap · 20/12/2015 09:25

This thread has made my lazy Sunday.

Bakeoffcake · 20/12/2015 09:34

My did had just got engagedSmile

We've lived in this village for 20 years, Dd went to the local church primary school.
At least once a month they walked to the collage church for assemblies/services/nativity/harvest etc.

She's getting married there next year - THREE of her school friends have already married there Shock. Two of them will be coming to the wedding IN THE SAME CHURCH.

Funnily enough we think this is lovely, NORMAL and is not the least bit upset!

Please OP, you really need to get a grip.

Bakeoffcake · 20/12/2015 09:35

That should be DD has just got engaged.

Moonriver1 · 20/12/2015 09:53

Not only are you not yet engaged, you have said you will not marry for a few years!

This is just so ridiculous. I'm embarrassed for you.

Please, if you want to retain any modicum of respect, do not utter your 'grievances' in real life to anyone. You will either sound like a loon or like a bitter, jealous bride-in-waiting.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 20/12/2015 09:55

I suppose you aren't actually going to do anything about this, you just thought you would have a private moan on mumsnet, assuming that your feelings were not that unusual and might have been shared or understood by a good few posters? However actually, the feelings you have are so unreasonable and ridiculous that you have got a proper roasting.
I'm not going to join in, but you do need to get over yourself.

Andrewofgg · 20/12/2015 09:56

When does your local grip shop open? You need to be first in the queue.

I just want to see the reverse to this thread Xmas Grin

Iamnotloobrushphobic · 20/12/2015 09:58

This has to be one of the funniest threads ever. A bridezilla who isn't even engaged yet!

Moonriver1 · 20/12/2015 10:00

I suspect that if anyone actually has these kinds of thoughts and feelings in the first place, they are inherently unreasonable so there is just no reasoning to be done.