Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by their choice of church? (Another wedding one- sorry)

262 replies

WanderingNotLost · 20/12/2015 00:36

A good friend of my DP's is getting married next year. We're quite close to the friend and his fiancée and I like them both a lot.

A while ago they chose a reception venue quite close to my home town- neither of them is from there, it's just a convenient and close-ish distance from where they live. I found out today though that they've now decided to get married in the church that I've always assumed I'll get married in myself.

My family has close ties to this church; my Grandfather grew up in the village and was an alter boy in the church; he is buried there and his name is included on the honour roll of local men who served in WWII. On the other hand our friends have no connection to it at all, it's just the closest one to their reception venue.

AIBU to be a bit upset/disappointed by this? It's true DP and I aren't even engaged yet (although we're not far off) but I feel like when the time comes it will feel a bit less special for me because I (and a decent number of mine and DP's friends) will already have been to a wedding there, and we'll just be reusing a church that someone else we know got married in before us, and our wedding day will be compared to that one. Were it as important to our friends as it is to me I think I'd be less upset, but to them it's just a church like any other.

OP posts:
Sameshitdiffname · 20/12/2015 06:46

Also that isn't close to being engaged there is no such thing you're engaged or you aren't engaged.

Outaboutnowt · 20/12/2015 06:49

So OPs flounced now because she didn't like the answers she got as she had already decided she was NBU.

OP,
If you're reading - if I'm totally honest, I actually thought this thread was a joke.

You can't be disappointed in a venue other couples you know choose, because it's their wedding and why the hell would they be considering your pipeline wedding plans when they're planning their big day.
You might feel a bit disappointed, but seriously snap out of it, it's not a normal reaction.

Plornish · 20/12/2015 07:13

If it helps, I've attended several family weddings at the same church, one that my extended family have been members of for at least three generations. I can honestly say that it's never occurred to me to think of any of the previous weddings (or other events) when I've been at a particular wedding - not that I'm sure that would be a negative thing anyway. And presumably there would be only a small subset of people who would attend both your friends' wedding and yours.

I get that this has come as a bit of a (nasty) surprise, but there's no need to dwell on it and upset yourself.

treaclesoda · 20/12/2015 07:17

mummytime I didn't know that, am fairly clueless about the Church of England if I'm honest. (well, clueless once we get past about Elizabeth I anyway Grin)

Actually, this almost engaged thing makes me wonder how come the jewellery industry have not yet come up with a pre engagement ring. Like a ring to indicate that further down the line you are going to get another ring...like a Christmas Eve box for engagement.

theycallmemellojello · 20/12/2015 07:18

Yes to the couple having to have a connection with the parish. I remember my vicar explaining this before I got married. We also had to ask permission from our home parish vicar. So either this church is lax or there is a connection.

P1nkP0ppy · 20/12/2015 07:20

Seriously weird op.
I take it that you want 'your church' kept exclusively for your hypothetical wedding that might never take place?
I don't think I'd want you at any wedding there in case you threw a tantrum.

lunar1 · 20/12/2015 07:27

5 of my friends all married in the same venue as me. It is a lovely connection to have.

Lweji · 20/12/2015 07:28

I still don't get it.

I understand that the church means a lot to you. I'd understand if someone had booked it or you couldn't use it when you get married. But this has no impact at all on your wedding plans.

And from this example can you honestly predict how you'll be for your actual wedding? When, suddenly, all the little details become important?

Alisvolatpropiis · 20/12/2015 07:29
Confused

Not a bridezilla perhaps, difficult to be when not even engaged, but there's a good chance you're a racing narcissist.

Dipankrispaneven · 20/12/2015 07:32

Your DP obviously knows that marriage is important to you, and seems to be saying he wants to marry you. I'm just wondering why you aren't engaged or married now?

lighteningirl · 20/12/2015 07:33

Almost engaged? ltb

NerrSnerr · 20/12/2015 07:34

I would have thought you'd be overjoyed that she's getting married in such a special place. I cannot understand why you could be disappointed at all.

AnnaT45 · 20/12/2015 07:34

I think some people are a being a bit mean OP and can see why you've snapped a bit.

I can see why you're upset however I think if they were good friends you should be excited that you'll all share one of the most magical moments in your life in the same special building. Say you're engaged by the time they get married. You'll be so excited say there watching them thinking of when its you. And when you do get married it will bring back fond memories for them. I actually think it's lovely. I know lots of people who have married in the same churches and never heard or thought anything of it.

No one will compare and if they do they would compare no matter where you are.
It sounds to me like deep down you're desperate to get engaged and maybe it's manifested itself in this. Please don't worry about this it's not worth it

ollieplimsoles · 20/12/2015 07:35

I think op was bored one afternoon and made the mistake of posting this thread.. Some of the replies have been quite mean.

Op I think you know yabu but we can't help the way we feel sometimes. You made it clear that you wouldn't mention it irl so its a case of you getting used to the idea.

I'm going to stick my neck out and say it is annoying when someone steals your thunder in some way. Uses the baby name you wanted, gets pregnant when you just started trying or books their wedding somewhere you hoped would just be yours. Its silly yes but these feelings happen!

SoupDragon · 20/12/2015 07:36

"I don't like what you all said so I'm leaving"

OK then.

Oh, you might want to check your own use of grammar before pulling someone else up on it.

EvaBING · 20/12/2015 07:41

If I knew how to link to youtube I would link to IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME!!!!!! 11

elpth · 20/12/2015 07:48

As everyone else has said YABVU.
I wanted to add that surely sharing something like a venue with a good friend makes it even more special. We went away to get married (just our parents as witnesses) then had a huge party weeks later. So it wasn't til the party that it transpired we had the same wedding anniversary as not one but two sets of friends. One couple one year ahead and the other 30 years ahead. I see that as a great omen and we all get in touch to wish each other happy anniversary each year. It's a lovely connection.

Oysterbabe · 20/12/2015 07:49

You're looking at 3 years minimum until your wedding. No one will remember the previous wedding and also no one will give a fuck. Except you because you are unreasonable.

Lweji · 20/12/2015 07:49

I think op was bored one afternoon
Or very late in the evening?
Was it a drunken rant (with the hangover rant this morning) or did the issue keep her awake? (If in Europe)

TwoInTheMourning · 20/12/2015 07:55

Sorry but you don't sound old enough to be legally married...

redexpat · 20/12/2015 07:56

YANBU to feel how you feel.

But you are being a teensy bit silly.

Snowglobe1 · 20/12/2015 07:58

You cannot be serious. You are being utterly ridiculous.

msgrinch · 20/12/2015 08:02

This is a joke thread, right?

SilverOldie2 · 20/12/2015 08:08

Totally bonkers.

ricketytickety · 20/12/2015 08:18

I think that something else is upsetting you about this - maybe that it's not you getting married at this time. You spoke of the sad loss of your father last year and how he'd wanted you to marry so he could walk you down the aisle. I don't think this is simple jealousy or rivallry, but something else you are feeling but perhaps can't put your finger on it and it's manifesting itself with you feeling upset that they've pipped you to the post with this location. You said that the church has deep family connections for you so I think that what you are feeling is a saddness that they are having the wedding that you hoped you would have with your family.

You will, of course, have to keep stum about it as this thread has shown how people might react. But maybe this Christmas talk to your dp again and tell him how you would love to have this ceremony in the church and how much it would mean to you in terms of you feeling close to your family both here and those sadly passed on.

Your friend's wedding may be in the same venue, but yours will have much more personal resonance for you and your family so it will have quite a different feel.

Swipe left for the next trending thread