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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by their choice of church? (Another wedding one- sorry)

262 replies

WanderingNotLost · 20/12/2015 00:36

A good friend of my DP's is getting married next year. We're quite close to the friend and his fiancée and I like them both a lot.

A while ago they chose a reception venue quite close to my home town- neither of them is from there, it's just a convenient and close-ish distance from where they live. I found out today though that they've now decided to get married in the church that I've always assumed I'll get married in myself.

My family has close ties to this church; my Grandfather grew up in the village and was an alter boy in the church; he is buried there and his name is included on the honour roll of local men who served in WWII. On the other hand our friends have no connection to it at all, it's just the closest one to their reception venue.

AIBU to be a bit upset/disappointed by this? It's true DP and I aren't even engaged yet (although we're not far off) but I feel like when the time comes it will feel a bit less special for me because I (and a decent number of mine and DP's friends) will already have been to a wedding there, and we'll just be reusing a church that someone else we know got married in before us, and our wedding day will be compared to that one. Were it as important to our friends as it is to me I think I'd be less upset, but to them it's just a church like any other.

OP posts:
ReallyTired · 20/12/2015 02:51

You do realise that don't have to get married in a church. You can get married on top of a mountain or at a stately home if you like. Your imagination is the only limit.

Original poster
WanderingNotLost · 20/12/2015 02:56

BlueMoonRising yes, I am making that comparison. Just as there are thousands of baby names, there are thousands of churches and thousands of reception venues. Just as some people know what names they'd like for their DC before they're pregnant, so I've always known which church I would want to get married in. It's not that far flung

I attend this church whenever I go home to see my Mum, so at least once a month. The vicar there is the same one who confirmed me, the same one who conducted my Grandfather's funeral. He knows me and my Mum by name. This church is a very special place for me so it's important to me that I get married there. My DP is happy with this- he is Christian but has no affiliation with any particular church.

It's honestly not that I'm jealous- I've never felt impatient to race down the aisle. The only time I felt a bit of pressure was when my Father was dying; he wanted us to get married while he could still give me away etc. He died last year so that's no longer a possibility. But otherwise I am pretty chilled about the whole thing- having been to so many weddings in the last few years and seen so many seemingly rational women go crazy nitpicking over the most ridiculously insignificant details that I can't bring myself to give a toss about, I already know I'm not I'm not a bridezilla-in-waiting.

I haven't said anything about anyone stealing my thunder. I'm very happy that my friends are getting married and I'm looking forward to celebrating their future with them. I can't help that my first reaction, on finding out their choice of church, was a little bit of disappointment. I'm sure I'll get over it, I certainly won't be scowling my way through their wedding. That's just how I felt, and I can't help that.

Thanks to ChinaSorrows and Iborgia, I think your responses were more along the lines of what I was expecting/hoped for- understanding and fair, even though you do think I'm BU. Most have been YABU with a nice bit of personal attack thrown in for good measure! It surprised me because I've posted personal threads in AIBU before and of course responses have always been honest, but not as unnecessarily nasty as some here.

Anyway, I'm going to bow out now because I seem to have opened the floodgates for some people to just demonstrate how bitchy they can be. It's a pity but hey ho, I've learned a lesson from it!

OP posts:
PeasOnEarth · 20/12/2015 03:06

I couldn't get married in church - the church DH and I both attend and serve in - because DH had been married before. After the briefest pang of disappointment we got married in our local Town Hall. I didn't want a wedding as much as a marriage anyway.

The church is the people, anyway - the building is pretty irrelevant.

We've a leap year - February 29th - in a couple of months. Even if you are a tradionalist, why wait?!

ReallyTired · 20/12/2015 03:38

If you were religious you would not plan to live in sin for years. It could be argued that it's hypocritical to get married in a church you don't attend or follow the faith.

ReallyTired · 20/12/2015 03:43

cross post about church attendance

None of the teaching has stuck though...

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 20/12/2015 03:46

Firstly - I love it when people get married in the same place - far less chance of getting lost.

Secondly - if you are a regular attender of the church then a marriage involving you will be very different to one where the bride and groom are effectively strangers to the vicar. I went to a wedding where the vicar talked about the bride's baptism at the age of 5 months - it was lovely.

Finally - I have to admit I do find it confusing when committed Christians are happily living with their partners for years before marriage. I'm mid 30s and of my friends I'm the only one who didn't live with their partner pre marriage. (And we were not regular church goers.)

Fratelli · 20/12/2015 03:49

Hmm unsure if this is a joke or not. Anyway yabu but I don't think you will agree! It sounds like you are a bit jealous of them getting married. It's just a venue. The most important thing if you do end up getting married will be the commitment. If you think it's less special because your friends got married there years before your wedding then that will be your issue, nobody else's.

AndNowItsSeven · 20/12/2015 04:16

Op I was more understanding of the situation that that particular church as important to you. You then lost my sympathy when you blasphemed in your first three posts.

AndNowItsSeven · 20/12/2015 04:17

Next three not first three.

MitzyLeFrouf · 20/12/2015 04:20

'we'll just be reusing a church that someone else we know got married in before us'

?

YABU

If you feel a bit put out well then you feel a bit put out. But thousands of couples will have been reusing that church for decades, possibly centuries. I don't see how your being acquainted with one of those couples will make your own wedding any less special.

treaclesoda · 20/12/2015 04:22

OP, this is mind boggling stuff to me.

Where I live (still within UK) there would be no such thing as having a choice over what church you get married in. You either attend a church and belong to it, and therefore they might marry you, or you don't attend it and they won't. And in the church I go to, you could attend every week from the day you were born but the minister still wouldn't marry you if you were living together before getting married.

I'm not saying I necessarily agree with his views (I don't) but it certainly does away with ant of this bridezilla nonsense.

Baconyum · 20/12/2015 04:35

Least chilled not yet engaged bridezilla I've ever come across (and I've met a fair few irl due to previous job!). You may not have used the words 'stealing your thunder' but you said you were worried your wedding would be less special as a result of them having their wedding in what you clearly consider 'your' church.

Also I agree with the pp about people who focus on weddings and not marriages. I had a fussy wedding and am divorced but the fussy wedding was due to pressure from family. Frankly we kinda fell into getting married which was a mistake.

But yes in my previous life I did observe that big fancy wedding was often followed by divorce within a year!

As a couple ex and I attended a very fancy wedding the week before ours. 3 years in the planning! They'd split before we got back from honeymoon.

BadlyBehavedShoppingTrolley · 20/12/2015 05:08

Fuck's sake, get a grip.

Up there among the most ridiculous AIBUs ever.

mummytime · 20/12/2015 05:09

Treaclesoda within the C of E there is no such leeway for ministers, if you can marry in the Church under the rules you have to be allowed to - it goes back to when C of E Churches were pretty much the only place you could get married.

But OP if you were really part of that church then I would be very surprised you had never been to a wedding there. And traditionally families did tend to all get married in the same church.

LucyMouse · 20/12/2015 05:14

This is the best thing I've ever read in MN.

DropYourSword · 20/12/2015 05:20

What. The. What. Now?!

EvaBING · 20/12/2015 05:42

I have finally realised that I am sane!

Domino777 · 20/12/2015 05:51

OP it's a rather silly thing to be disappointed about. Having the same venue doesn't matter.

Domino777 · 20/12/2015 05:53

Also how lovely to get married in the church your friend will have got married in. What a special connection. It adds to the layers of specialness.

Narp · 20/12/2015 06:10

OP

I think you'd e really upset if you stopped and thought for a moment how many people who get married in Church don't actually believe in God.

UsedToBeAPaxmanFan · 20/12/2015 06:12

YABVVVU. Everyone has told you so, please listen to them.

I'm not really sure why you've posted on AIBU if you aren't prepared to listen to the answers. Telling people to "piss off" when they give you an answer you don't like is not a mature way to behave.

You say people are being particulatly bitchy to you. I don't see that. I think you are interpreting their comments that way because they are not agreeing with you. You are coming across as very petty. Most people on AIBU who fine everyone telling them that yes, they ABU have the grace to say "ok, I accept that" but you haven't.

And if I were you, I really wouldn't voice your thoughts on this in real life.

honeyroar · 20/12/2015 06:18

I get your point that you are disappointed, but to anyone else it just doesn't matter! Nobody else will care about which church it is (other than perhaps your mum). All the reasons you've listed about why the church is such a special place to you and the importance it's had throughout your life will still stand even if your friends are married there first (really that should go down as another happy event there in your life). Very few others in the guest list will share your sense of importance of where you get married and that you're the first to do it there, so don't worry about it.

Narp · 20/12/2015 06:22

I agree honey roar

None of your guest will care. Do you honestly notice much about the church where friends of yours got married, OP, or are you more focussed on them as individuals?

Enjolrass · 20/12/2015 06:40

OP Yabu.

You aren't engaged and you don't even live there. By the time you get married that vicariously may not even be there.

I got married in our parish cathedral (it's tiny, sounds more grand than it is) because just before I got engaged we held my nanas funeral there.

Between booking and the wedding the priest had changed. Worked out well as it was my Chaplin from college that married us.

They have their reasons to get married there.

By the time you get engaged and get married most people won't even remember your friends wedding details.

You don't have a claim over the church or reception venue.

Sameshitdiffname · 20/12/2015 06:44

This can't be a genuine post surely.

How friggin self centred