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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by their choice of church? (Another wedding one- sorry)

262 replies

WanderingNotLost · 20/12/2015 00:36

A good friend of my DP's is getting married next year. We're quite close to the friend and his fiancée and I like them both a lot.

A while ago they chose a reception venue quite close to my home town- neither of them is from there, it's just a convenient and close-ish distance from where they live. I found out today though that they've now decided to get married in the church that I've always assumed I'll get married in myself.

My family has close ties to this church; my Grandfather grew up in the village and was an alter boy in the church; he is buried there and his name is included on the honour roll of local men who served in WWII. On the other hand our friends have no connection to it at all, it's just the closest one to their reception venue.

AIBU to be a bit upset/disappointed by this? It's true DP and I aren't even engaged yet (although we're not far off) but I feel like when the time comes it will feel a bit less special for me because I (and a decent number of mine and DP's friends) will already have been to a wedding there, and we'll just be reusing a church that someone else we know got married in before us, and our wedding day will be compared to that one. Were it as important to our friends as it is to me I think I'd be less upset, but to them it's just a church like any other.

OP posts:
PaulAnkaTheDog · 20/12/2015 01:35

OP get a grip. Seriously. This thread is awful. You sound like a petulant child complaining about a toy or something.

Frankly, this thread is embarrassing. Get a life.

reni2 · 20/12/2015 01:36

I'll be willing to bet a large proportion of PPs envisaged their wedding in a certain place that was important to them long before they met their spouses. You might be wrong about that.

nocabbageinmyeye · 20/12/2015 01:38

Most Brideszillas actually don't know they are Bridezillas, they all think their crazy behaviour is normal too so actually the idea isn't laughable at all, you are indeeded the very definition of a Bridezilla only you aren't even a bride you are like a new breed, you are ........FutureBrideZilla the craziest off the lot, a new super strain

BarbarianMum · 20/12/2015 01:44

I'll be willing to bet a large proportion of PPs envisaged their wedding in a certain place that was important to them long before they met their spouses.

Umm, really? No, that doesn't sound normal at all. I did know a woman who bought a wedding dress when single. She's still single - maybe her boyfriends found it off-putting.

When you find someone you'd be happy to marry anywhere wearing anything - that's when you've found "the one".

Perniciousness · 20/12/2015 01:45

OP, I think you need to have a wee word with yourself. I know 'you can't help your feelings' but i think you need to reign these ones in a bit. It's EXTREMELY bridezilla'ish and quite ridiculous. The reason people are troll hunting is a hint as to quite how ridiculous it is. well that and the fact that you started the thread at half past midnight on a Saturday Wink

ReallyTired · 20/12/2015 01:46

"It's actually a good 25+ miles from London where they (and we) live. The reception venue was the nearest decent one within budget and this is the nearest church to that venue. "

The couple still have to have a qualifying connection to get married in a church.

Original poster
WanderingNotLost · 20/12/2015 01:48

Oh piss off cabbage. Aside from this one thing, I don't really care about the rest of it, I'll just be happy that I'm marrying my DP. I don't care what my bridesmaids wear. I don't care where the reception will be. I don't care about flower arrangements, or colour schemes, or canapés. That simply isn't who I am.

OP posts:
Mysteryfla · 20/12/2015 01:55

The more you come back to defend your daft attitude the sillier you seem. I'd give it a rest if I was you. Futurebridezilla suit you perfectly.

nocabbageinmyeye · 20/12/2015 01:55

Eh no I won't piss off. You asked a question, its been answered loud and clear, three pages later and every single reply has been a similar reply to mine and your still in denial

Original poster
WanderingNotLost · 20/12/2015 02:01

First of all- you're.

Secondly, being disappointed about this and being a crazy control freak bridezilla are not the same thing. I've seen plenty of threads where people have been upset about friends/relatives using baby names they wanted who didn't receive this much vitriol. Completely unnecessary.

OP posts:
OneMillionScovilles · 20/12/2015 02:04

OP: AIBU?
Everyone: Yes!
OP: No I'm not, because reasons...
Everyone: Still yes...
OP: Piss off

Hmm
ChinaSorrows · 20/12/2015 02:07

Hi wondering!

I got married recently. My church doesn't let people get married there because they want to, you have to "qualify"
Sounds like:
they don't currently attend that church
They don't live in the parish
They don't have a qualifying close family member who attends the church.

They may not be able to marry there anyway unless they attend X number of services over a prolonged period.
The same for you
At which point, are they prepared to make a commitment to the church? Are they prepared to invest the time ahead of being granted a wedding date?

Obvs not all churches are like this but it's a factor they (or you) may not have considered.

Oh. And I have rtft, you're not unreasonable. You're understandably disappointed that someone's swooping in and having the wedding in the church that you planned for yourself.
You're not throwing toys, you're disappointed.

Time to get your DP to pull his finger out! Grin

notquitehuman · 20/12/2015 02:08

So you already know that you're not being unreasonable then? Why post a thread?

PS - YABU.

nocabbageinmyeye · 20/12/2015 02:08

Your/you're - good point, you are of course correct, I accept my grammatical error and well done you for noticing.

Collabo · 20/12/2015 02:10

Why did you post the thread?

lborgia · 20/12/2015 02:10

Wandering I'm going to be nicer because I did know where I thought I would be married before I met DH. Not because I'm bridezilla but because it was the church I grew up in, and it was just assumed. Obviously if in the end there had been a problem (we lived somewhere else, I married someone who wouldn't get married in a CofE church) then I'd have a rethink. Personally I'd be completely pissed off if someone choose my church (as in the one I attend) because it was most convenient to the reception.. And have said as much as organiser of weddings in this parish, when I worked there. Where I live you have to make an effort for the duration of the engagement, attending, getting involved, if you want to get married there.

Anyway..... I think it may have been your choice of AIBU over chat, or something, that was the mistake. If you put it in AIBU it by definition needs to be something that really irks you, because you're not going to get wishy-washy answers Grin.

I was with you being "slightly disappointed" until you mentioned your own particular circumstances. Being nearly engaged is a very tenous place to be and can mess with your head.

Yes, YABUnbelievablyU, but you are allowed to be. Everyone is allowed to be unreasonable occasionally, but don't share it with AIBU, and FGS, don't ever think it out loud!

ChipsandGuac · 20/12/2015 02:16

We got married in the church I went to as I was growing up, as did all my siblings and most of my childhood friends. Many of us also shared a reception venue (not at the same time, I hasten to add).

It had literally no effect on how special my wedding was to me because it was my wedding, not theirs. Personally, I feel a certain affinity to my friends who got married in the same church. We all got to feel blessed there.

Italiangreyhound · 20/12/2015 02:21

If anyone is interested in marrying in a Church of England church this site is useful....

www.yourchurchwedding.org/

This bit may be relevant for anyone planning on marrying in a C f E...

www.yourchurchwedding.org/article/finding-a-church/

I don't know OP if the village church you mentioned is C of E but I expect it is as village churches usually are.

It's worth checking if you are in a town because there may be a number of churches and where you live may be close to one but not in the parish. When dh and I married the banns were read in the parish where he lived, although he attended church elsewhere, the church in the parish where I loved, and the church I attended, which is where we got married. It's worth checking all this out well before planning to marry because there are requirements for marrying in a C of E church and one of the options is to attend services over a six month period of time and you would laos need to allow the time for the banns to be read so anyone wishing to do this would need to allow enough time to do it.

All the best.

Baconyum · 20/12/2015 02:21

"And I'll be willing to bet a large proportion of PPs envisaged their wedding in a certain place that was important to them long before they met their spouses." Nope! I only married at all because ex was military and it made financial and practical sense!

BlueMoonRising · 20/12/2015 02:23

Are you SERIOUSLY comparing choosing the same church for your wedding to choosing the same name for a child?

You do realise there are thousands of names to choose from. Not so many churches near the wedding reception venue...

YABU. You just don't want to accept it.

I also find it odd that you have never attended a wedding at a church that you attend. OK, you don't live there, but surely if you have connections with the church, you have connections with people that have married there?

kali110 · 20/12/2015 02:31

I don't think it would have mattered where op posted Hmm
Don't know what you want from this thread if you've already decided you're not wrong?
Yab massively u.
You are not even engaged yet.
No, there is no 'nearly engaged' no matter how much you want there to be.
No, as demonstrated on here, most brides don't have the venue already picked out.
I think we only care that the groom turns up! Grin

As for saying that this couple don't even live near the church, neither do you!
You attend a different one!
You only go to the 'special' one on occasions.
Is the problem really that you're jealous that it isn't you?

SomeKindOfDeliciousBiscuit · 20/12/2015 02:34

YABU on a grand scale; this is the sort of thing people would generally feel mildly embarrassed about thinking and certainly not mention to anyone else. Let alone post on AIBU. I think you're teasing us.

Say nothing to anyone IRL and just feel quietly chuffed if they can't get in because of no qualifying connection, but then feel really, really, really bad for feeling chuffed. That's what normal people would do. Grin

noeffingidea · 20/12/2015 02:39

Goodness me, OP. Lucky you're not getting married when I did (the 80's), when you would have had a choice of exactly 2 venues. That would have been the church you attended, assuming neither of you were divorced, or the local registry office.
That was it. Funny how the whole bridezilla thing didn't seem to exist then. Noone stressed about their wedding being unique or if people were comparing their wedding to someone else's wedding. They just got on with it ... and got married.
Think about it. Smile

ReallyTired · 20/12/2015 02:44

In my experience people who had the most amazing weddings were also the people who ended up divorced. Focus on your relationship and less on the minor details.

TheWitTank · 20/12/2015 02:44

You're wedding won't be any less special unless you make it that way. Don't get bogged down by this trivial and fairly bonkers idea you have in your head -and it is very silly OP, however much you think we are all talking shit. Countless people, with family connections or not, will get married before and after you in "your" church. They are not stealing your thunder, you are not stealing theirs. Your service can be as individual and special as you like/make it, the fact that your friends (who I presume you like and want to see happy) are sharing in a place you love is great. One more happy memory.
You have a long way to go yet before you need to start stressing about wedding prep (getting engaged first would be a start! Enjoy that first!).