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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have posted this on FB about my not so 'd'h and his xmas shaggathon?

88 replies

ThatsNiceDear · 19/12/2015 01:24

'Happy one year shaggiversary to [cheating h] and [some thick cow] who spent today reminiscing by text about their shag at last year's Christmas party, while I was recovering from my suicide attempt yesterday. My mental health has immeasurably improved knowing that I'm not completely mad, I am in fact surrounded by total cunts.'

I'm fucking gobsmacked! I thought he was perfect. Well, I haven't had much sex for a year, but now I see why. AIBU?

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 19/12/2015 01:31
Sad

What a total cunt he is.

I hope you get some RL support from your fb post, fuck whether anyone thinks you were reasonable or not.

MidniteScribbler · 19/12/2015 01:33

Sorry, but dirty laundry doesn't need to be aired on facebook.

HeffalumpTrap · 19/12/2015 01:35

Oh no. Really sorry to hear what he's done.
I hope you have friends and family around to help you.

I suppose the only relevant thing about the Facebook post is are you happy for everyone (friends, friends of friends etc) to know you're hurting?

hownottofuckup · 19/12/2015 01:40

So he's been a total and you've let everyone know.
Sounds sensible to me. I hope you get the support you deserve.

AgentZigzag · 19/12/2015 01:40

I would normally think the same midnite, but the OP wasn't in the best of minds before she found out, if she's able to talk to even one person she knows as a result of it then it has to be good doesn't it?

Much worse to be sat round on your own after feeling suicidal and betrayed by the person you thought you could trust the most.

yorkshapudding · 19/12/2015 01:47

What an absolute wanker. I'm so sorry this has happened to you Flowers

I think your need to vent is 100% understandable. Just be mindful of how you might feel later (once you've had chance to process it all) and whether it feels ok for you that others are party to such intensely personal information.

Is there anyone in RL who you can reach out to for support?

onehellofachristmas · 19/12/2015 01:49

What an arse hope you're as ok as you can be. Hope you have some RL support Flowers

G1veMeStrength · 19/12/2015 01:51

I'm so sorry. I am 'glad' you are angry if that makes any sense. I wish you good good things and send strength to get through this shit.

Original poster
ThatsNiceDear · 19/12/2015 01:56

Thank you. MN really helped actually. I've seen so many relationship threads I knew exactly when he was spouting bullshit and pushed him until I got the truth. Apparently they shagged 6-7 times between December and May-ish. Always at her house after nights out with work colleagues who "don't suspect anything".

My friend has messaged me, so I have some support. I need that right now, and it's not my secret to keep either, fuck 'em.

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Original poster
ThatsNiceDear · 19/12/2015 01:59

I can't believe it (well, clearly I can). But I really thought I had the perfect man! I thought I had one who would never do that to me. Wow.

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hownottofuckup · 19/12/2015 02:01

Plus it's not 'dirty laundry' it's someone she loved and trusted that has massively let her down. It is his shame to bear not hers.

hownottofuckup · 19/12/2015 02:03

X post, glad to see you already know that OP!

CaoNiMao · 19/12/2015 02:18

What a dick he has been, but PLEASE don't lower yourself to his level by posting this on Facebook.

WhereYouLeftIt · 19/12/2015 02:20

Sometimes, what is termed 'dirty laundry' is really 'dirty little secret'. And dirty little secrets really do need to be exposed, because they go hand in glove with gaslighting. OP has mentioned her mental health, I would wonder how much his dirty little secret contributed to that?

As for "Always at her house after nights out with work colleagues who "don't suspect anything". " Yeah, right. I'd bet good money that several would have twigged it.

How did the text exchange come to your attention OP?

Original poster
ThatsNiceDear · 19/12/2015 02:29

I'd bet good money that several would have twigged it.
Yeah, me too! 6-7 times and they always went home together, would have been cosy chats they think nobody saw - idiots, it will have been the talk of the office.

He came home drunk af about midnight and his phone buzzed a couple of times, he checked it and was ok me reading one message but slightly reluctant to show me the other. When I saw it, the exchange was:

HER: 1 year ago today ;) x
HIM: Can't stop remembering x
Her: [colleague] really likes you...
Him: Lol, tell me something I don't know x I really like [colleague], a lot, although not like that.
Him: Missin' you RED x
Her: ;) xx
Her: Missing you trouble x

OP posts:
Original poster
ThatsNiceDear · 19/12/2015 02:33

He said she was just talking about having a great time dancing - I called bullshit. He admitted to a kiss. Then I text her 'what happened a year ago today?' and he admitted they shagged, and she texted back 'Um... we did lol x'. I text her, please call me, I need to talk to you. She called. I said I needed to know the truth, she said her name isn't [her name] and I must have the wrong number (er, you rang me, you dumbarse)! I chucked the phone at him and said I don't believe him and it's over. He coughed all the details. Well, allegedly!

OP posts:
Original poster
ThatsNiceDear · 19/12/2015 02:35

I text her 'Can you please tell me if you're still together and when was the last time you had sex? I'm not judging you, you're a single woman, you can shag whoever you want. I'm not angry at you at all. I just need to know if he's being truthful now or not'. She hasn't replied. Which is nice, thanks for that!

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WhereYouLeftIt · 19/12/2015 02:41
Sad

Bloody hell, was [some thick cow] trying to set up a threesome? Shock

So, what next ThatsNiceDear? I imagine today was spent in shock/anger/disbelief, but your future starts now. How are the practicalities going? RL support? Living arrangements? Disentangling your finances?

MistressDeeCee · 19/12/2015 02:52

Not going to judge you, you were angry upset and hurt and expressed that how you felt you needed to at the time. Hope it made you feel better though. & that you have RL support too.

Original poster
ThatsNiceDear · 19/12/2015 03:06

Well I only found out about 2 hours ago whereyouleft. I have no idea what to do now. I have a 3yo and a 6yo looking forward to xmas together so we'll get that out the way before anything else I suppose. I don't know. I don't know how I feel, or if I feel anything at all. The funny thing is I've been crying non stop for days, and since I found this out I'm not feeling weepy, I don't know what I'm feeling. Adrenaliny I think.

No she didn't know it was me texting her to call - I did it from his phone. She was shocked as fuck when I picked up. I doubt a threesome entered her head at all!

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Original poster
ThatsNiceDear · 19/12/2015 03:15

MistressDeeCee The other funny thing (this just keeps getting more 'hilarious'!) is that at hospital yesterday, they asked me if I had any family support, and I gushed about my wonderful husband. He's 'perfect' I said!! I don't spend a lot of time with friends at all, but I have some there, on facebook. Nobody close enough and friendly enough to chat to, I'd have to drive an hour for that. I expect I'll sleep most of tomorrow, obviously won't be falling asleep tonight!

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WhereYouLeftIt · 19/12/2015 03:19

Ah sorry, I misunderstood, I thought it was Thursday midnight this happened and you'd had to deal with this all Friday. It sounds as if you're possibly in shock, which can be a blessing - autopilot sort of takes over and you just 'function'.

You FBed "My mental health has immeasurably improved knowing that I'm not completely mad, I am in fact surrounded by total cunts." Was this bravado, or do you really feel that way? Do you think that this secret of his, and the way it must have changed his behaviour towards you, created a situation where you knew something was wrong but couldn't work out what? Because that really wouldn't be good for anyone's mental health.

Original poster
ThatsNiceDear · 19/12/2015 03:34

No my mental health went to fuck because of work - they're total cunts I cba to go into it. He was the one thing I could really rely on. I had no doubts at all.

And yeah I've spent the last 2 days sobbing. And the last few hours not feeling like crying at all. I'm bemused. Just in shock probably.

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Original poster
ThatsNiceDear · 19/12/2015 03:35

2 days sobbing because I found out I was losing my job. Yay me, haha. #winner!

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Original poster
ThatsNiceDear · 19/12/2015 03:42

whereyouleftit I tried to reply to your message but it won't go, I must be doing something thick. I typed this:

Don't apologise, I didn't notice anything amiss at all in what you posted. You haven't upset me at all, it's really sweet of you to message. The contact on the thread has actually been really helpful and positive. It's all support for me - people have their own way of wording it. Thank you for your message and your posts. xx

OP posts: