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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have posted this on FB about my not so 'd'h and his xmas shaggathon?

88 replies

ThatsNiceDear · 19/12/2015 01:24

'Happy one year shaggiversary to [cheating h] and [some thick cow] who spent today reminiscing by text about their shag at last year's Christmas party, while I was recovering from my suicide attempt yesterday. My mental health has immeasurably improved knowing that I'm not completely mad, I am in fact surrounded by total cunts.'

I'm fucking gobsmacked! I thought he was perfect. Well, I haven't had much sex for a year, but now I see why. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
ThatsNiceDear · 19/12/2015 04:00

If we split up, he'll get the kids won't he? Because of my anxiety/depression, and my suicide attempt. I think we will stay together in that case, living together anyway. Obviously relationshipwise we'll be housemates rather than anything else.

OP posts:
toopeoply · 19/12/2015 04:07

Not necessarily. Custody can still be shared. You need a solicitor. Dont settle for this and him. You are worth far far more.

Original poster
ThatsNiceDear · 19/12/2015 04:38

It's gone 4.30am. He's fallen asleep in the kids' room. I can't sleep. I know it's the alcohol as well but how can he sleep?!

This is really weird. I see these threads all the time, and it's always someone else. And now it's me. It's so weird. I feel numb and shocked and weirded out.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThatsNiceDear · 19/12/2015 04:46

MIL and SIL are coming for Christmas dinner. That's going to be fucking awkward.

OP posts:
BadlyBehavedShoppingTrolley · 19/12/2015 04:52

This reply has been deleted

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Postitblue · 19/12/2015 06:39

YANBU. First of all so sorry you've had to find out this horrible news. Utter bastard :(

Of course you are going to have the rage and want to lash out and tell everyone what a twat he is- you are Human and probably feeling very raw and vulnerable.
For what it's worth, I would take your post down only because down the line if you do decide to stay together and work it out the world will know his behavior and feel like they have a right to get involved. a recent family matter which involved a cheating partner; we all know what's gone on and they are currently trying to work out what to do (4 DC). It's hard not to judge her for staying now I know what's gone on but I'm not in her shoes.

But I'm rambling here - personally I would remove myself from social media for the time being whilst this is all so new. Stay strong and wishing you lots of love X

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 19/12/2015 06:45

You poor thing Flowers
I would get it off Facebook though. Create a group for Facebook chat with all the friends who can support you and have the conversation there. I know you're trying to reach out but the whole of your acquaintance doesn't need to know the details.

maybebabybee · 19/12/2015 06:46

Badly that was a totally unnecessary comment re the OP's suicide attempt!

Wishing you strength OP Flowers

mouldycheesefan · 19/12/2015 06:54

It's very unusual for people who genuinely want to commit suicide to be concerned about future events eg Christmas so sounds like this was a cry for help. Op you need real life support here you were already vulnerable before this happened. Do you have friends, family, social worker, have you been to GP?
Things are shit now but the only way is up. Stay strong for your little ones, they need you.

Diamondsmiles · 19/12/2015 06:55

Horrible. Poor you. I really hope you can get some time today with a good friend.

Bellyrub1980 · 19/12/2015 07:05

YANBU

Why should you keep your husbands affair and your suicide attempt a secret? You have nothing to hide and nothing to be ashamed of.

Sorry to say but I think they are still having an affair of some kind.

Real life support is what you need today and hopefully this post will prompt a quick reaction from friends and family.

It might also be worth posting something in Relationships to help focus your mind on getting the practical/legal/financial things sorted.

I'm so so sorry this has happened to you. Would a trip to the doctors today be a good idea? I know you say you feel better now you've had this news, but it's possible you are just in shock and feeling numb because you have gone through 2 terrible traumas in a very short space of time.

Original poster
ThatsNiceDear · 19/12/2015 07:05

Oh god, the 'you didn't try hard enough'/'didn't you think it through' suicide police are here. Sorry, depression doesn't allow you to think rationally about the consequences. Also, I changed my mind thank god for that, look how fucking jolly life turned out to be.

Thanks for the support, it does help a lot. And the twatty comments I suppose - it wouldn't be mumsnet without a few of those would it. I only await being picked up on my grammar and called a troll.

OP posts:
lizzydrippingsghost · 19/12/2015 07:05

so you attempted suicide before you found out about him messing around have i read that right.
you know theres always support on here Flowers

Sighing · 19/12/2015 07:06

I hope you can meet up with a friend today. I'm not quite so squramish over what is on fb (relating to him) as (borrowing a phrase from up thread) you hust can't sink to the level of a cCaoNiMao

What a dick he has been, but PLEASE don't lower yourself to his level by posting this on Facebook by being breathtakingly honest. But, you might want (over time) to control the knowledge of your suicidal episode, and I hope you reach out to the GP for some process/ available help as well as friends.

Focus on those DC, he's fucked Christmas up. You need to draw every smile and cuddle from those DC. Get someone there for you if you intend to go ahead with christmas plans (you don't have to). Find a friend who's perhaps at a loose end. A buffer person can really help.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 19/12/2015 07:07

You poor thing, what a horrible time you're having at the moment :(

You are in shock, that's why your emotional state is jumping all over the place. You can probably expect some hysterical laughter at some point too.

May I suggest this: stop drinking the alcohol. It feels good/helpful at the time but OMFG dealing with everything you are dealing with AND a hangover sucks massive hairy balls and I wouldn't wish it on you. And you can't stay drunk because of your children.

You do need to talk to a solicitor if you want to end your marriage - I don't believe you will necessarily lose your children, but you need to be aware of all the ramifications of your MH and suicide attempt. MH issues aren't the issue, as such - the suicide attempt may be (but equally may not - hence needing the solicitor's advice).

Is your DH remotely apologetic about this? I do think it might be an idea to take your FB post down again - totally understand why you did it, but I think it would be wiser to remove it now. I know you've got some RL support because of it, and that's great - but still. Up to you though.

Sighing · 19/12/2015 07:07

Of a ... lying conniving cheat by using brutal honesty (i meant to say!!!)

Sighing · 19/12/2015 07:12

Sorry i must have copied by accident where i spotted it.

He's an arse.
You're honesty in the face of what you've got going on isn't a low blow nor the 'wrong thing'. But you may, one day want to keep a lid (or not) on your MH to some acquaintances (perhaps create a filter for those you can rely on?).
Best wishes.

londonrach · 19/12/2015 07:15

Op. Flowers. Please get legal advice and surround yourself with support from friends. Look after yourself and dc. Might be an idea to ask for this to be removed to relationships. Remember mntters are here for you 24/7 if ever you need to talk. Xxx

Postitblue · 19/12/2015 07:23

Seconded. The up all night brigade are here to help! Legal advice and time with caring friends & family asap.

witsender · 19/12/2015 07:29

Some people are arseholes. Him, for sure. Her, for shagging a married man. (I don't care if you are single, you don't shag a married person.) And the poster on this thread trying to shame you for your suicide attempt.

It may not be 'dignified', but fuck dignified. I may well do the same thing re FB in your circs.

Tiredemma · 19/12/2015 07:31

Get some proper advice. As someone who works in mental health services I can say quite confidently that your MH 'Issues' do not mean that you would not have primary custody of your children.
Thats a myth generally bandied about due to shithead blokes driving someones self esteem into the ground and making her believe that not only is she mad, she is also incapable.

Hope things work out for you.

Original poster
ThatsNiceDear · 19/12/2015 07:49

You are in shock, that's why your emotional state is jumping all over the place. You can probably expect some hysterical laughter at some point too.

I did think it was pathetically hilarious last night.

May I suggest this: stop drinking the alcohol.

I don't really drink. A bucks fizz at Christmas is my typical alcohol consumption!

He's embarrassed and annoyed I told his chat group of friends on his phone. I said if he's embarrassed he shouldn't have done it. He is very, very apologetic and seems to be being honest now (that he's been found out and realised he won't get away with it).

OP posts:
PrincessMouse · 19/12/2015 08:01

I am so sorry Op.

His embarrassed and annoyed because his little group of friends know. What a selfish arse he really is. His only sorry because his been busted. He wasnt so sorry reminiscing last night, was he?

Op has the hospital offered any follow up support? Can you see your GP and get some therapy. You are in a really difficult place and maybe having someone not related to this situation may help you just a little.

AliceScarlett · 19/12/2015 08:04

I think YABU posting on FB. It's your account so obviously you can post what you like, but I wish there was a better way for you to get the support you need.

I'm quite concerned about you, the SU attempt appears to have happened quite recently and now you have this to deal with on top of everything else. Are you getting help with your MH? Is anyone supporting the children? (HV/school/whoever)?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 19/12/2015 08:13

I'm so sorry, Thatsnice - I misread your post about the alcohol, on re-reading I can see you were talking about your "D"H being able to sleep because of the alcohol, not you being unable to sleep because of the alcohol. Duh!