To have posted this on FB about my not so 'd'h and his xmas shaggathon?

[ThatsNiceDear]

'Happy one year shaggiversary to [cheating h] and [some thick cow] who spent today reminiscing by text about their shag at last year's Christmas party, while I was recovering from my suicide attempt yesterday. My mental health has immeasurably improved knowing that I'm not completely mad, I am in fact surrounded by total cunts.'

I'm fucking gobsmacked! I thought he was perfect. Well, I haven't had much sex for a year, but now I see why. AIBU?

Op I think it is good as well that you are thinking forwards with how you will deal with this. You don't sound suicidal at all.

I completely understand the shock and anger, and the need to talk to someone. Perhaps in future you could ask for help without making the issues public? A status such as 'I need some support now, is there anyone I can talk to?' Could be better.

Thank you.

My latest thinking is that he was still pursuing her. They broke off because of the boyfriend. He's texted her occasionally since with 'how are things going with X' - why? Why not 'how are things going with you?'?. And then this yesterday, when she flirted, he responded, and then said he missed her at the end of the night - he wanted to start shagging her again. He is genuinely sorry and remorseful now, but only because he's been caught. He wouldn't have stopped otherwise. I can't sleep again.

I had a little cry earlier. I was really lonely and feeling very low like I wish I could make everything (or just me) disappear. I brought the dog into bed with me. I feel much better with her here.

Then the OP would be accused of vaguebooking hibble.

'I brought the dog into bed with me. I feel much better with her here.'

Aww

I wouldn't have our hairy mutt DDog in bed but it's lovely she's made you feel less isolated for her (exactly the same as a slice of Blue Peter dog birthday cake)

The other thing is she didn't answer my text straight away abut when they finished shagging. I went out this morning, and h sent her an email (why have they got each other's personal email addresses?) to say I was upset thinking they were still together so they shouldn't text anymore. Why email to say lets not text anymore unless you mean 'let's not text but we can still email'? Also why was his first reaction as soon as I'm out the house to email her without talking to me about it first? Habit?

He is very techy. He says he can't get records of texts, a bill showing how many texts to who. Surely he can, he just doesn't want to as they're still texting too much?

In her email she said fine, she'd had a text from me on his phone and didn't know whether to respond. She also said she'd had to explain (presumably to her boyfriend) the phonecall last night. That's why she didn't pick up the phone when I called. She was with him and I guess snuck away to call when I text and said 'please call me'. Why is she telling him she had to explain stuff to her bf? unless they are still in that exciting sneaking around phase when they sneak of to talk to each other? Why would he care she had to explain something to her bf unless he's invested in their (h and ow's) relationship?

Still can't sleep. Could not drop off at all last night. Had 2 hours this afternoon. Now can't sleep at all tonight. I think I'm all adrenaliny again, after working out that he is in fact a complete scumbag. And he was so earnest yesterday with the 'I can't lose you over this' as if it was some silly minor thing.

Thanks zigzag. H doesn't let the dog on the bed either, she's never been on it. She sleeping on his side, haha.

Hahaha love it.

You sounded as though you were thinking about trying to work things out with him when you were posting earlier, but now you're working it all out and finding things don't add up you seem less inclined to believe the bollocks he's trying to pass off as The Truth.

Are there other things that tip the balance?

Either in his favour and will help you to think of this as just a bad patch that you can work through (although it being over a year is a bit of a pisser on that example), or against him that help you think of an overall picture of him actually being a wanker who you're better off without?

It's difficult because nobody's all good or all bad and when you're in the relationship it's hard to separate them and measure out which there is most of, especially when you take the history you both have together.

Given what a dog he's been to you it sounds like a good analogy that the dog has taken his place in the bed ThatsNiceDear

What is vague booking zigzag ? I've never heard of it. Ambiguous statements are pretty commonplace, in fact I saw one more or less verbatim to the one I suggested yesterday.

I'm glad the dog is providing you comfort op. They are great creatures.

Vaguebooking goes like this:

Poster: Sometimes life sucks so bad FML
friend: are u ok hun
friend 2: wassup?
friend 3: do you need anything?
Poster: nah, it's all good / I'll inbox you.

Fucking annoying. Can't be doing with it. Either say what is annoying you or don't post; and if you do post, then bloody well answer the question or DON'T POST.

Maybe it has been ongoing, but maybe he responded to her text positively because he was looking for some kind of comfort himself - he must have been through the wringer in recent days too with the thought of losing you like that.
It is so hard to get to the truth. I think more things, if there is more, will come out as days go on. Or maybe there is nothing more and you can decide whether to forgive or not. But you're not alone.

He has lots of good points. He gets up with the kids most of the time, and starts getting them ready for school so I can have a bit more time in bed (started when I was breastfeeding all night and we just kept the habit). He does more than his fair share of housework, I'm a bit of a slacker tbf. He is responsible and has a good job (but so am/have I). He's a good dad and was a good husband apart from this. He buys thoughtful gifts for me on birthdays and Christmas - I'm rubbish at that. He always remembers our anniversary (I forgot twice - I get confused between June/July!). Apart from that time when things got quite cold, we have always been a really loving couple. He is kind and hardworking, and handy. Before kids, I went away for a week on a uni field trip. As a surprise, he spent that week from 5am to midnight every day stripping the bathroom suite and tiles and replacing them by himself. When we moved into our first house, It was so overwhelming for me I cried - all the stuff everywhere. When I was asleep he got up and stayed up all night and I woke up to an almost completely sorted house, just a couple of boxes left to do.

Bad points: What a fucking cunty thing to do for 6 months, and to start up again with the texting when I was feeling so low was shitty beyond belief.

He does seem genuinely really sorry and like he's realised what he's done. Every time I speak to him I think we can work it out he won't do it again. But when I'm on my own and I think about it, I just keep thinking why, how could he do that to me.

I couldn't read and run, so sorry you are going through this your dm should not be advising you to forgive him, it's far too soon to be making decisions, you are still in shock. Book relate counselling for the new year, he must come with you, he owes you that.

Apart from the unpacking of the house and the bathroom, trust me, your h isn't even remotely outstanding.

Normal decent men do all that and more.

And they don't cheat.

He's lucky to have you, not the other way around..