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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want dd to go to fils grave Xmas morning?

233 replies

CrapWreathKeith · 18/12/2015 22:27

Dh and I agreed this year to have Xmas at home, with just us and dd (4) his idea btw. Usually we alternate between mil and my parents, this year is 'my parents year'. We have ended up with mil too (whole other thread)

The idea originally was get up, open presents, have a couple of hours in the local ( child friendly) come home, have dinner.

This has morphed into get up, open presents, dh take dd to collect mil, via the church yard, pick me up en route to pub (I will have prepped dinner while they are gone) come back, have dinner, dh drops mil home.

Aibu to think

A) dd still doesn't get time to play with her presents and
B) fuck off am I doing all the prep
C) what 4 yo wants to traipse across the churchyard when they could be at home playing in the warm?

Dh thinks I'm unreasonable and should be grateful he is offering to 'get dd out of my hair'

I think he and mil should go alone (Xmas day is fils birthday and he died before dd was even born) but dh should again least peel the spuds before he goes.

Aibu?

OP posts:
Sniv · 19/12/2015 18:07

Those that want to visit the grave should obviously get to go, but I wouldn't contemplate being left home alone for hours on xmas day. Especially if I was supposed to use that time to prepare everyone's dinner - seriously, fuck that.

I disagree with folk saying you should skip the pub. I mean, personally I loathed going to the pub on xmas day as a kid because it was boring, full of smoke, people and kids I didnt know, and I just wanted to be home coveting my hoard of new stuff. Sounds like a different thing entierly for you daughter as she's an only child and she'll get to share the excitement of xmas day with her friends. I would have felt really flat as a child spending xmas with only adults.

OhBigHairyBollocks · 19/12/2015 18:08

I knew when I clicked on this thread it would be you Cat Grin

MyCatColin · 19/12/2015 18:11

Having just read your other thread it is as clear as day she has no intention of going to the pub with you and will do her damnedest to scupper your plans to manipulate the day to how she wants it.
I would be tempted to phone her up on Christmas Eve and tell her the car has packed up and what with it being Christmas and all you have no chance of getting it fixed for the following day.
She has a car if she wants to go to the grave so badly then the silly old bat can drive herself there. If she wants to spend the day with you then she can bloody well drive herself to you. If the day isn't to her liking then she can friggin well drive herself home again!

Your pub celebrations sound fantastic, do not let her under any circumstances sabotage your day.

MrsAmaretto · 19/12/2015 18:27

YANBU. Ridiculous for your daughter to miss hours of playing with her toys for no reason. And will it not upset her if granny is crying at the graveside?
Put your foot down and say no!

And I'd buy readymade & prepared everything!

TheNoodlesIncident · 19/12/2015 18:52

No idea why I hadn't thought of doing the cemetery visit when DH takes her home! It makes much more sense Won't it be dark then?

3littlebadgers · 19/12/2015 19:06

It'll prob be licked by then, dd2's cemetery is locked at 4pm in the winter.

3littlebadgers · 19/12/2015 19:07

Locked not licked!

Inertia · 19/12/2015 19:20

So MIL can drive? She just needs to find a route to your house that she is happy to use then - I'm guessing you don't actually live ON a motorway?

If she won't drive in the dark then she'll need to leave by 3.30.

Sounds like your H is quite willing to piss you off and take up your daughter's Christmas in order to meet his mother's demands/ get out of doing any of the Christmas day work.

If you have that mythical 5-minute veg that so many have mentioned, then it'll be even quicker to prepare it between the 3 of you when DH and MIL get to the house.

Seriously, spend the morning while your H is out playing with your daughter. Don't be a martyr to this- enjoy the time with her instead.

RaspberryOverloadingOnTurkey · 19/12/2015 19:27

I don't think the child needs to go to the cemetary. There are many other ways in which selflessness can be taught rather than forcing a child into spending unnecessary hours on Christmas Day in a car/at a cemetary.

Especially when it appears MIL is trying to manipulate the day into what she wants.

LeaLeander · 19/12/2015 19:37

Out of curiosity, what age is MIL that she needs to be driven around instead of transporting herself?

Blu · 19/12/2015 20:05

My guess is that SIL is behind this, and has deliberately said she can't / won't do the cemetery visit 'but why not ask your DS / my brother to take you, if he came and picked you up you could call in there on the way back to his house'.

OP, it does seem v unfortunate that all this means your DH won't be able to drink in the pub. Which SIL and MIL will also be well aware of.

rumbleinthrjungle · 19/12/2015 20:35

Just read your other thread. Bloody hell. She's been working on eliminating the pub part of your plans since November hasn't she? I remember now from that thread your difficulty with being asked by her to provide a paid for place setting for FiL's picture at your wedding....

Blu · 19/12/2015 20:36

I see the original plan was for your DH to go off about 11.20.

Stick to it. If she wants to go to the cemetery before that that is up to her.

I see your DH is working till the early hours: it is a big thing for him to do presents and breakfast and be back on the road by 9.20.

Also for Dd to have done presents, breakfast, get dressed etc and start a 2.5 hour car run around by 9.20. Sounds like way more stress than should be happening.

Original poster
CrapWreathKeith · 19/12/2015 20:40

Blu it is a massive ask of dh. Dj'ing is just a hobby in Mils eyes, but in reality provides a reasonable chunk of our income. I doubt he will be home much before 3am. Sad

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 19/12/2015 20:51

I'm probably going to get pilloried for this so bear with... I actually think that as well as being taught to consider other people's needs, children (especially female children) need to be taught how not to. How to be assertive, how to ask for what they need, how to say 'no' if their boundaries are being stepped on. How many women on MN would have better lives if they have been taught to refuse once in a while?

Christmas Day trips to cemeteries are not my, nor my child's, idea of a good day. They may be MIL's. MIL should absolutely prioritise her own needs. But Cat is free to prioritise her needs and those of her child.

NewLife4Me · 19/12/2015 20:57

Tbh I think both are out of order on xmas day.
There are so many other days to go to the pub and kids should be playing with their presents and scoffing too many sweets not at the pub or worse still a cemetery.

GarlicCake · 19/12/2015 21:04

YY, MrsTP.

GarlicCake · 19/12/2015 21:06

There are so many other days to go to the pub

Cat's FRIENDS run the pub. Their other friends will be there, too. With kids. And there's a flat upstairs.

It sounds like a perfect Christmas Day, and I'm rather startled that MIL has been able to fuck it up.

Original poster
CrapWreathKeith · 19/12/2015 21:18

MrsTP you are absolutely spot on with that post. And I'm more determined than ever now to assert myself on this to show dd that she absolutely does have the right to do what she wants to. Smile

OP posts:
GarlicCake · 19/12/2015 21:22

:)

Inertia · 19/12/2015 21:34

Glad that you are going to be assertive over this.

Your H needs to get assertive too. Your MIL is perfectly capable of driving herself to the cemetery and to your house- it's just far easier to make her son chauffeur her around.

Why does the grave visit even have to be on Christmas Day anyway? Couldn't they go beforehand?

Nydj · 19/12/2015 21:49

MrsTP

NewLife4Me · 19/12/2015 22:11

Apologies OP, don't know how I missed the bit about your friends running the pub. Of course it will be company for your child.

I can also sympathise with people assuming a person works in the entertainment business for a hobby.
People are like this with my dh. It's very unsociable and they keep different hours to many others.

tanukiton · 19/12/2015 22:14

Mrs TP wise words!

LucyBabs · 20/12/2015 01:03

nydj Standing ovation really? Confused

I agree withmrstp for what's its worth but taking your dc to the graves or special places of your passed loved ones shouldn't be a female issue. By all means stand up and say no but for me personally, a dc attending their grandparents grave isn't a feminist issue