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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want dd to go to fils grave Xmas morning?

233 replies

CrapWreathKeith · 18/12/2015 22:27

Dh and I agreed this year to have Xmas at home, with just us and dd (4) his idea btw. Usually we alternate between mil and my parents, this year is 'my parents year'. We have ended up with mil too (whole other thread)

The idea originally was get up, open presents, have a couple of hours in the local ( child friendly) come home, have dinner.

This has morphed into get up, open presents, dh take dd to collect mil, via the church yard, pick me up en route to pub (I will have prepped dinner while they are gone) come back, have dinner, dh drops mil home.

Aibu to think

A) dd still doesn't get time to play with her presents and
B) fuck off am I doing all the prep
C) what 4 yo wants to traipse across the churchyard when they could be at home playing in the warm?

Dh thinks I'm unreasonable and should be grateful he is offering to 'get dd out of my hair'

I think he and mil should go alone (Xmas day is fils birthday and he died before dd was even born) but dh should again least peel the spuds before he goes.

Aibu?

OP posts:
MyCatColin · 19/12/2015 10:02

Sorry crapwreath I confused you normal posting name with your Christmas name and kind of gelled them together!!!

LyndaNotLinda · 19/12/2015 10:11

That's your tradition then Janeymoo's. It's not the OP's, her husband or her MIL's as they have only been to the FIL's grave once in 7 years.

Anyway - agree entirely with what CatColin said. This has nothing to do with anything other than the MIL amusing herself to see how high she can make her son and his family jump.

BaronessEllaSaturday · 19/12/2015 10:13

Any chance the suggestion to take DD came from your MIL. The travelling itself is 2 hours but how long will MIL want to spend at the actual graveside somehow I don't think it'll only be a couple of minutes so I wonder whether you are running the real risk of them just not getting back in time to go to the pub at all. If dd is at home with you then the 2 of you can walk up to the pub if they are late back but would you be as likely to do that if you are on your own, would you want to wait at home for DD? The other thing is once they do get back how natural would it be for MIL to suggest DD be allowed to play with her toys and forget going to the pub since she's been out of the house for however long. Put your foot down again or before you know it you will not be in the pub but sat at home watching the tv

FannyTheChampionOfTheWorld · 19/12/2015 10:17

Thirdly, you DH leaving the house for 2 hours on Christmas Day can't be avoided, he doesn't want to leave you dealing with. 4 year old and lunch, so has kindly suggested taking your DD with him so you don't have to do everything.

You're working on a different definition of 'kind' to a lot of others yesterdayoncemore. What DH is proposing would make a lot of mothers very sad.

Isetan · 19/12/2015 10:23

cardibach the back story really isn't relevent to this thread, which is why I haven't linked it. I set out all the relevent info in my OP.

The backstory is relevant here because it's obviously contributing to you making this a much bigger deal than it is, if it isn't, then you're being YABVVU.

Why am IBU? And why do you give up? confused.

YABU because you are prepping a meal for three adults and a toddler and you're acting like you're catering for twenty.

YABU because it's about your H sharing a significant moment with his mother and his child.

YABU because your DD will have plenty of time to play with her toys (these are the same toys, that probably won't be worth a backward glance by February) and could could easily play with them in the car on the way to Grandma's and the grave. Some quiet for your DD time is not such a bad thing given that the rest of the day could be quite hectic for her.

YABVVU because you do not have a veto on how your H chooses to spend time with his DD.

SanityClause · 19/12/2015 10:49

I think Baroness is right.

I agree with PP that the food prep for 4 isn't much, but surely it's nice to do it with company, than all on your own? Also, my DC usually come into the kitchen to help me. It's fun.

So I think the best solution for you Keith, is to stay at home with your DD and do food prep, while your DD plays (and possibly "helps"). You can then stroll down to the pub together at the allotted time, and if your DH and MIL take longer than expected, they can meet you down there.

They will be more likely to hurry back if DD is not there, anyway.

So, make that your argument. It's fine that they go to the grave, but you don't want to be abandoned on your own, peeling potatoes on Christmas morning. You'd rather have some company, and DD will have more fun playing with her toys, than driving for hours to do something she's not interested in.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 19/12/2015 11:02

OP you finally stood up and said what type of xmas you wanted, a nice relaxed morning lunch and pub. Yet DH family are all complaining because you put your foot down.
You should have the christmas you want, DH could take MIL on the way home to visit the grave - so DD will be playing in the pub with friends and you arent doing dinner alone, but meeting with friends.
Suggest this!! Bet DH wont want to miss the pub, but happy for DD to miss her toys.

Original poster
CrapWreathKeith · 19/12/2015 11:03

Ok, to answer some points:

Mil does drive, as long as it isn't dark, raining, snowing, windy or on a dual carriage way/motorway. (Essential to get to our house)

I have no issue with them going, but I do think expecting a four year old to make the trek is asking a bit much. I also think that going all that way to visit his ashes is madness, given that some of his ashes will be at the table pub with us anyway - I haven't expressed this to DH or mil though, obviously.

Yes I probably am making a drama out of the prep, but so far this year I seem to be the one making all the sacrifices (Not seeing my parents being the main one) for dh's dream of a quiet little Christmas with just the three of us.So much for a laid back relaxing day and just bunging the turkey in before we go to the pub and hoping for the best!

OP posts:
pictish · 19/12/2015 11:05

Absolutely OP. I'm with you. Yanbu.

TracyBarlow · 19/12/2015 11:06

When I'm dead, would I want my grandchildren who never met me to stand and cry at my grave on Christmas Day? Would. I Fuck.

And as for just whipping up a Christmas dinner in a few minutes? Ha ha ha ha fuckety ha. You're al the ones who started soaking your Christmas cakes in October and have your sprouts already prepped in the freezer, aren't you?

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 19/12/2015 11:08

Keep dd with you - the grave is a red herring, its the 2 hour drive she doesnt need.
Do the food prep. Because that way, the washing up after is not your job. Go to the pub and enjoy yourself.
Does MIL visit the grave every Christmas? Is it just your dh who hasnt been for 6 years? Wondering how much of this is MIL trying to control your Christmas.

SanityClause · 19/12/2015 11:09

so far this year I seem to be the one making all the sacrifices (Not seeing my parents being the main one) for dh's dream of a quiet little Christmas with just the three of us

Have you pointed this out to DH?

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 19/12/2015 11:12

Actually, quite a lot of the veg can be pre-prepped and frozen. Pre-prepped by your dh. Or, as is happening in this house, pre-prepped by Aunt Bessie and Tesco, because I'm prioritising a relaxing Christmas morning over the quality of the food this year.

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 19/12/2015 11:13

Is it too late to change plans and include your parents then? Since dh has clearly changed his mind about the quiet little Christmas?

lostInTheWash · 19/12/2015 11:20

Buy frozen potatoes, parsnip, and microwave containers of veg - you can get them in Aldo, Tesco or M & S - so at all price ranges - they are fine if not really nice - especially goose fat pre prepared potatoes.

Done this for years - min preparation time then played with our DC Christmas morning. As I remember my parents fighting Christmas morning about the cooking most years something they otherwise rarely did.

So min pre time for Christmas dinner - and no graveside thing for DD - I mean hours in a car for an event that isn't child friendly isn't fair.

Be blunt with your DH - it was your dream this year to have it just you three - you've relented and let MIL come but letting her take over to this extent is very upsetting to you. I'd point out that he hasn't gone previous 6 or whatever but he can go with MIL but your fine with your DD being with you.

Frankly when I had similar situations not being as accommodating and understanding - making things DH problem as well as mine means few years down the line I don't have problems any more.

Pyjamaramadrama · 19/12/2015 11:21

When I'm dead, would I want my grandchildren who never met me to stand and cry at my grave on Christmas Day? Would. I Fuck.
**
Exactly this TracyBarlow oh and the 2 minute beg prep goes hand in hand with the mythical 2 week chicken.

Pyjamaramadrama · 19/12/2015 11:22

Veg prep, don't know what happened to that post.

Original poster
CrapWreathKeith · 19/12/2015 11:22

JellyBabies they wouldn't come. Dm's spine is crumbling and df is nervous about being too far from their local hospital since his stroke. Having another and being stranded in a different hospital is his biggest nightmare.

Dd and I are going there tomorrow for dinner, and they are just having my sister and two children on Christmas Day. They've decided that a hot buffet is the way to go so they can actually relax and enjoy the day. bastards

Mil goes to fil's grave most Christmas mornings, usually sil takes her. No idea why that isn't the case this year as sil isn't speaking to me or dh.

OP posts:
lostInTheWash · 19/12/2015 11:29

Maybe SIL has refused this year and your DH feels he has to step in? That is understandable.

Even if they want to go I don't see it as necessary for your DD to be dragged along on Christmas day.

It smacks of one of those I'm doing you a favour - taking DD - that you don't want and actually makes your life harder - possible upset of 4 year old and not much exercise sat in car getting board so more likely to be hyper grumpy rest of day - that you are then expected to be so very grateful for.

Say no - and point out all the problems to to the plan and why it wouldn't be helpful or what you want and then demand to know why he is pushing this - dose she want you upset and DD to have a bad day? Bet he drops it then.

Badders123 · 19/12/2015 11:31

I don't think that either a pub or a cemetery are great places for a 4 year old on Xmas day tbh.
You do seem to be playing the martyr a bit here, op.
Why is cooking such a big deal? Why do need help with the potatoes!?
Go to m and s, lob it all in the oven in the foil dishes - so less washing up too! :)
Hope it all works out.

Badders123 · 19/12/2015 11:32

Also, the cemetery thing. It's generational I think....my mum will go on Xmas morning to my dads grave.
I won't.
I don't feel the need.
but she does

Krampus · 19/12/2015 11:34

OP I think that you need to sit dow with your husband and go throug it all.

  1. You both had decided a quiet Christmas at home. Despite it being the turn to visit your own mother who is sick. A day of opening presents, shoving bird in oven, pub, rescuing bird, eating bird hoping that it turned out ok.
  1. MIL gets invited somehow. This means 2 x 1 hour trips to pick her up and return her.
  1. Other inlaws then invite themselves. Then uninvite themselves once they know you wont be doing the whole christmas dinner works for them.
  1. It is the decided that your husband will be away for around another 1.5 hours during the morning to visit some of his fathers ashes. This is a new thing, not some family tradition, his mother hasnt been there for years. Dp is now doing 3 hours actual driving, plus time to ring door, hope MIL is ready and won't suddenly offer a cup of tea, visit where the ashes are scattered. Blimey, your husband is going to have an alcohol free day!
  1. This means that you wil be left at home for pretty much the entire Xmas morning, doing dinner, getting the table ready.
  1. Husband, can you not see why I am pissed?

The whole issue of taking a young child to visit a grave / place where partial ashes are scattered is very much lower down on the Issues Register

user7755 · 19/12/2015 11:46

I agree with your point about the pub and the cemetery Badders.

I share your frustration about quiet Christmas plans going awry, we booked at a restaurant, just the four of us to be told 2 weeks ago that D(grown up) D is coming with us along with DSIL and DGC - she just announced it when we asked how they were spending Christmas.

That said, the cemetery is obviously important to DH and DMIL and it gives you a couple of hours to soak in the bath and drink wine - I'd just let it go and ask for extra toiletries to use in the bath on Christmas morning.

petalsandstars · 19/12/2015 11:48

I think Sally has a good compromise - if DH must take her to the cemetery then do it after dinner when he is only missing out on his own enjoyment /drinking time. Assuming she is being taken home the same day of course. But even if not then he could be up and out by 8 back with MIL by 9am so there for presents and prep. Then in the afternoon /evening he can do the longer journey with MIL and you and DD see friends at the pub.

bet he won't want to though. Although I can't see a good argument against this way really unless darkness is off putting. Maybe you should suggest SIL takes her boxing day instead as they'll be together then.

rookiemere · 19/12/2015 11:54

I like Sally's idea as well. Means that DH still gets to go to the grave with his DM whilst you and your DD are enjoying yourselve with friends in the pub.