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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want dd to go to fils grave Xmas morning?

233 replies

CrapWreathKeith · 18/12/2015 22:27

Dh and I agreed this year to have Xmas at home, with just us and dd (4) his idea btw. Usually we alternate between mil and my parents, this year is 'my parents year'. We have ended up with mil too (whole other thread)

The idea originally was get up, open presents, have a couple of hours in the local ( child friendly) come home, have dinner.

This has morphed into get up, open presents, dh take dd to collect mil, via the church yard, pick me up en route to pub (I will have prepped dinner while they are gone) come back, have dinner, dh drops mil home.

Aibu to think

A) dd still doesn't get time to play with her presents and
B) fuck off am I doing all the prep
C) what 4 yo wants to traipse across the churchyard when they could be at home playing in the warm?

Dh thinks I'm unreasonable and should be grateful he is offering to 'get dd out of my hair'

I think he and mil should go alone (Xmas day is fils birthday and he died before dd was even born) but dh should again least peel the spuds before he goes.

Aibu?

OP posts:
Krampus · 19/12/2015 12:13

I was about to post the same as peral

If dp thinks it really is essential to visit where the ashes were scattered then it makes much more sense for the journeys to be reversed.

He picks her up in the mornng. If he leaves at 9.30 he will be back at 10.30 and plenty of time to spend with his child, getting stuck in and pub. Not that he can drink anyway.
Then they can do the FIl ashes thing before dropping her back home. Daughter may benefit from a nice quiet house for an hour or so by then.

Or your husband can say to his Mum something like - you're right we haven't been there for years. I cant reaaly leave my wife at home alone all morning. Why don't we arrange a special day when all the siblings can go together, like New Years day? We could all go for a meal out afterwards? What about his favourite pub?

Krampus · 19/12/2015 12:18

Forget that I now see that your MIL does go to his grave every Christmas morning. Just that SIL usually does it.

Must have got confused with another poster, I thought she hadnt been for years.

Twinkie1 · 19/12/2015 13:19

I'd make the kids go. It's obviously very important to MIL and she's not going to be around forever. One morning of the year when your daughter will have the rest of the year to play with her toys really isn't asking much. I'd use it as a lesson in respect and being kind enough to put each other's wishes first.

Maybe do a little picture with your daughter and say as grandpa can't be here you're going to take a little picture and say happy Christmas to him.

BaronessEllaSaturday · 19/12/2015 13:59

I'd use it as a lesson in respect and being kind enough to put each other's wishes first.

That is a lesson that this mother in law needs more than anyone else does, I'm still expecting there to be a last minute drama over the sil not being included, wouldn't shock me if dh turned up at MIL and the rest are there and the pressure is put on at that point. At what point is Keith's wishes the priority.

Whocansay · 19/12/2015 14:12

YANBU. What 4 year old wants to do that on Christmas morning?

I suspect this is all about Xmas lunch again.

Janeymoo50 · 19/12/2015 14:19

To be fair to those commenting about going to the cemetery (myself included), it's clear there is more to the op's Christmas arrangements that have been the subject of other threads (?) so some of us when commenting aren't fully aware of the whole details IYSWIM. I wonder what the responses would be if it were just taking DD to pick up MIL and come straight home (forgetting the hour window for the grave visit).

GarlicCake · 19/12/2015 14:39

No idea why I hadn't thought of doing the cemetery visit when DH takes her home! It makes much more sense.

Or ... he could go later in the morning. Play with DD & prep some food before he goes and return in time for lunch. This means he'll have to miss out on the pub and the pub won't have to suffer MIL's long face Xmas Wink

LeaLeander · 19/12/2015 14:48

It's time the grave tradition was switched to New Years Day. Hours in the car, no drinking, family strife -for what?! To stand over the remnant of someone long gone?

And how about a cab for MIL? Or train?

Original poster
CrapWreathKeith · 19/12/2015 14:49

here is the backstory, or at least the most recent part of it.

OP posts:
GarlicCake · 19/12/2015 14:53

Lea, there are no trains on Christmas Day and cabs charge 3x normal rates (would be extortionate for an hour-long trip.)

Dumbledoresgirl · 19/12/2015 15:00

YANBU re dd going to the grave. What a boring way to spend any part of Christmas Day if you are a little child!

YABU re moaning about doing all the prep yourself. It doesn't sound much and you will have a quiet house, or hopefully just dd with you, so you should be able to do it all quite quickly. If you are that bothered about doing it yourself on Christmas Day, why not do it (or get dh to do it) on Christmas Eve? Most prep can be done the day before.

Jux · 19/12/2015 15:09

Your mil has got one over you again. She could go and visit the grave with sil on Xmas morning as always, go home and dh could pick her up from there - or ideally she would go back to sil's.

She wants to gatecrash your quiet little Xmas, and she has. I would start talking loudly about " where has our lovely quiet little Xmas just the 3 of us that you wanted so badly gone? I wish we were going to my ps as we would have otherwise, now." Definitely no taking dd to grave. No. Maudlin nonsense.

She'll do it again next year now. It'll be a tradition that your dh takes her to the grave every year, spends half the day doing it, and if dd isn't dragged off to it this year, she will be next.

Your ps won't get a look in now.

Original poster
CrapWreathKeith · 19/12/2015 15:13

They bloody will Jux. I've already told dh that we will be going to my parents next year come hell or high water.

I can't do the " where has our lovely quiet little Xmas just the 3 of us that you wanted so badly gone? I wish we were going to my ps as we would have otherwise, now." thing though. I'm not that rude.

What I really want to know though is why sil and bil aren't going to his parents this year? Every year that we go to my parents they go there, and mil joins them. So why not this year? Nosy

OP posts:
GarlicCake · 19/12/2015 15:31

My guesses:

  1. They've found some other sucker to give them dinner
  2. They're going to a restaurant & are too tight to pay for MIL
  3. MIL's teaching you a lesson about excluding parents from your family day.
rumbleinthrjungle · 19/12/2015 15:34

Agree with Jux that if dd goes this year she'll become part of the 'tradition'. And as many have said, this is not just any random day: what 4 year old wants to travel a long car journey on Christmas Day to visit a grave of someone she never met to see Grandma cry and get upset? Yes, all these lovely toys you've just unwrapped - put them down and go get in the car. Of course you could use it as a life lesson in grinning through a miserable time politely for the sake of others.... but seriously, who is mean enough to pull that one on a four year old child on Christmas morning? (And expect them not to remember it and post it on AIBU twenty years from now)

MiL is being rather selfish to put it mildly. No, she does not need dd in on the act, and if she is not socially aware enough or considerate enough a guest to think of yours, dh's and dd's needs, feelings and wants then you are going to have to protect them yourself and be clear about boundaries. You seem to have done a LOT of compromising already.

FannyTheChampionOfTheWorld · 19/12/2015 15:57

You'd use Christmas morning as a lesson for a four year old to learn 'respect' (respect for what?) and putting other people's wishes first twinkie? To the extent that you think it's appropriate for a child to spend nearly 3 hours in a car and be exposed to her grandmother's upset, instead of playing with her toys and friends? How dreadful.

Agree this is about the Christmas dinner controversy, although obviously not everyone reading this thread can be expected to be familiar with the backstory.

Twinkie1 · 19/12/2015 16:45

After reading the back story Keith I'd say fuck em all!!

Although I stand by showing children from a young age that it's nice to show kindness and compassion to others wishes over yours in terms of things like this.

Wolpertinger · 19/12/2015 17:07

Oh god, I've just read your other thread and realised who your ILs are.

Fuck em! Don't send your DD under any circumstances!

MarmaladeBasedProtectionRacket · 19/12/2015 17:08

Did you say she drives? Problem solved.

If she wants so much to go to the grave, which is fine - her choice, she can take herself there, your husband doesn't need to go with her, it's not his tradition. She presumably goes on her own at other times.

She just needs to be home in time for him to fetch her if she really can't manage the drive to your place - is that a manipulation in itself ? I am a nervous driver, but I manage to get to where I need to go so I am always a bit suspicious of people who can drive, but only to certain places and thus inconvenience others by expecting lifts.

FannyTheChampionOfTheWorld · 19/12/2015 17:12

So if Keith's inlaws were less awful twinkie, you'd think it acceptable to inflict this day on a four year old, at Christmas, in the name of teaching them selflessness?

MarmaladeBasedProtectionRacket · 19/12/2015 17:18

Oh, I'm on a roll with my idea now - he phones before he sets off to fetch her to check she's back so she doesn't sabotage the day by not being in and delaying him. He's also out for a shorter time if he's not going to the grave so he can help with the lunch prep.

If she doesn't agree to those terms, then really she wants it all to be about her doesn't she?

She hijacks husband and daughter for a family graveside tradition that actually isn't a tradition for them, she gets chauffeured here there and everywhere despite being able to drive herself - both to the grave and to you. There's an added bonus of her potentially delaying everyone so you don't get to go to the pub, which she never wanted to do I think?

Or, she could say, I want to be with my son and his family for Christmas, they've kindly invited me, so I'll go along with their plans, do it their way and be appreciative even if it's not quite to my liking.......

FannyTheChampionOfTheWorld · 19/12/2015 17:43

Sounds like MILs motorway allergy will put paid to that one unfortunately marmalade. I think DH just has to go alone, and OP make sure to decamp to the pub with DD! Agree it's important to nip this in the bud now so DD doesn't become part of the tradition.

Jux · 19/12/2015 17:48

Could you tell her that you're making that delicious-sounding Indian feast, linked to on the other thread, as most of it can be made days before and improves over a day or two. You want to do this so that you won't have much to do on the day.

Then she may decide that grave-visiting etc is all too much bother and go with your sil.

Thus a Xmas tradition is stopped in it's tracks.

Italiangreyhound · 19/12/2015 17:54

I'd make the kids go. .. One morning of the year when your daughter will have the rest of the year to play with her toys really isn't asking much.

I think asking a child to spend hours in a car on a round trip to collect a relative and visit a grave is asking a lot. There are 365 days a year, only one Christmas Day!

I don't think the child needs a lesson to put other's needs first, necessarily, but if she or any child does, there are lots of great ideas around this season to share things, like giving presents to children in need, shoes boxes to go around the world or even contributing some pocket money to twin your toilet! Spending time in a crematorium garden on what is arguably a child's most important day of the year, doesn't seem like a good idea. (I've just asked my kids and 50% say that Christmas day is the most important day of the year! The other one said her birthday!)

FannyTheChampionOfTheWorld · 19/12/2015 18:03

Agreed italian. I agree with the pp who said that if DD did go, watch for the AIBU thread about it in decades to come! And frankly, an adult who wants to unnecessarily put a child in a car for 3 hours on Christmas Day to visit part of someone's ashes is a more worthy recipient of a lesson in selflessness than a 4 year old!