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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want dd to go to fils grave Xmas morning?

233 replies

CrapWreathKeith · 18/12/2015 22:27

Dh and I agreed this year to have Xmas at home, with just us and dd (4) his idea btw. Usually we alternate between mil and my parents, this year is 'my parents year'. We have ended up with mil too (whole other thread)

The idea originally was get up, open presents, have a couple of hours in the local ( child friendly) come home, have dinner.

This has morphed into get up, open presents, dh take dd to collect mil, via the church yard, pick me up en route to pub (I will have prepped dinner while they are gone) come back, have dinner, dh drops mil home.

Aibu to think

A) dd still doesn't get time to play with her presents and
B) fuck off am I doing all the prep
C) what 4 yo wants to traipse across the churchyard when they could be at home playing in the warm?

Dh thinks I'm unreasonable and should be grateful he is offering to 'get dd out of my hair'

I think he and mil should go alone (Xmas day is fils birthday and he died before dd was even born) but dh should again least peel the spuds before he goes.

Aibu?

OP posts:
pictish · 18/12/2015 23:05

Four! OP yanbu - I'd be giving them the 'don't be silly' speech myself.

RufusTheReindeer · 18/12/2015 23:11

The graveyard where my mother is buried is a five minute car ride so not the same issue as the OP has

My children visit my mothers grave every christmas day...they sing Rudolph the red nose reindeer Smile

Ds is now 16 and doesnt sing quite as enthusiastically Hmm can't think why Smile

I do think an hour each way as well as grave time is a bit long for a little one

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 18/12/2015 23:14

Thats really unfair on DD when you just want your family. Does MIL have other kids? Cant they go instead?
I think DH will struggle to get her dressed and ready - leave him to that arguement - 4 year olds know what they want!!!

steff13 · 18/12/2015 23:15

You shouldn't peel the potatoes; there are lots of vitamins in the skin.

cardibach · 18/12/2015 23:17

Judging by some Potters' comments there's more to this tha you told us I. Your OP. YABU for that. I give up.

Original poster
CrapWreathKeith · 18/12/2015 23:20

Sally, dh has a sister. Who decide this year she wanted Christmas at home, which is why we invited mil. There has been some ill feeling because sil and family then decided they'd come to us instead and I said they could if they were happy with a hot buffet,

They decided if they couldn't have turkey with all the trimmings they wouldn't bother. Hmm

OP posts:
PaulAnkaTheDog · 18/12/2015 23:21

Is four considered a toddler now or something? At the age of four my son would do a two hour trip to his father's grave, plant flowers and help clean it because he wanted it nice for him.

You want to go to the pub but not allow your husband and mil visit dad's/husband's grave? Have a heart, it's Christmas! Your posts read as a bit bitter or resentful to me, I could be wrong though!

Krampus · 18/12/2015 23:21

I don't think people are saying that she should go but there is nothing wrong if she did go. We often used to walk through graveyards with ours so for me it would be a no brainer to play it by ear. Child happy at home then leave them, if chid iritable get them out.

I had it in my my mind that you were all going to the pub after the graveyard visit, not that you could be at the pub whilst they were there. That sounds better for your daughter. Have time playing with presents then to the pub and socialising with people she knows there whilst waiting for dp and mil to turn up.

DP can still help prep the night before.

Duck90 · 18/12/2015 23:22

There is obviously history here, but in an average situation I do not see a problem with a 4 year old going to a grave. You put the wreath down, look at the stone, children normally are quite interested inthe surroundings.

Unless, someone is going to be crying overtly? Which I think children should not have to witness.

Original poster
CrapWreathKeith · 18/12/2015 23:24

cardibach the back story really isn't relevent to this thread, which is why I haven't linked it. I set out all the relevent info in my OP.

Why am IBU? And why do you give up? Confused

OP posts:
BlackeyedSusan · 18/12/2015 23:24

keep dd at home. fine for mil and dh to go. and yes he should peel the spuds before he goes.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 18/12/2015 23:25

The child is losing 3 hours of christmas day in a car ..... has that been lost?

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 18/12/2015 23:28

Paul that's a bit unfair. This isn't Cat's DDs dad's grave, it's her grandad who she never met. If she's never had a close family member die then it's unlikely it's anything more than an abstract concept at the moment and will be boring.

Honestly I think you need to put your foot down. Just say no, you are pleasing yourselves this year which means consideration for you and your daughter as well, not just MIL and DP.

Gruntfuttock · 18/12/2015 23:28

Isn't it a bit frightening for small children to be shown where their grandparent is in the ground?

TendonQueen · 18/12/2015 23:30

Don't get and have never got the need to visit a grave on Christmas Day itself. Have always bought wreaths and visited in the days immediately before Christmas. You can very easily remember people on the day, toast their memory, pray for them or whatever you want to do, but there's no benefit to taking hours out of your day you could spend with your living family and friends. And for a 4 year old who never knew the person in question anyway, it's a fairly crap way to keep them occupied on Christmas Day. I think he and his mum should go if it absolutely has to be done that day, and he can peel potatoes the night before.

DeepBlueLake · 18/12/2015 23:34

I'd give DD the choice.

I took DS1 to my dad's grave last year in my home country on Christmas Eve but it was summer so he wasn't standing around in freezing temperatures.

Give your DH a break re peeling spuds, he's hardly going to be having fun visiting his dad's grave on Christmas morning.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 18/12/2015 23:34

Felicia I wasn't unfair at all. I was drawing attention to the fact four year olds aren't toddlers, they understand things and have emotions. Going to grandad's grave with granny and daddy does not have to be a bad or boring thing. A four year old is more than capable of understanding emotions and such.

As for the 'taking her away from her toys' comments: it's for a couple of hours. I'm sure she would have a few, or op could arrange for a few, that she would want to play with in the car.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 18/12/2015 23:35

Gruntfuttock don't be stupid.

pictish · 18/12/2015 23:35

Well put TendonQueen. I agree.

Crispbutty · 18/12/2015 23:37

He's working till 2am the night before.. But op could do the veg prep then. For 3 adults and a child it would take about 15 minutes..

blaeberry · 18/12/2015 23:38

I don't think it matters either way about the grave but I do think it is unreasonable to expect your dd to spend two hours in the back of a car on Christmas morning. Presumably dh and mil will chat most of the time - how are they planning on entertaining dd on the journey?

Krampus · 18/12/2015 23:40

Grunt Mine found graveyards facinating at that age. Some will and some won't.

Same with car journey to pick mil up and visit grave. By 10am my boys at that age had driven us mad and we were taking them out for walks and trips to inlaws anyway. If they had been the type to play happily for several hours on Christmas morning then we wouldn't have.

I am asuming that in this case the dp and mil were trying to be helpful with the suggestion rather than out of a macabre need to show a grave to a 4 year old. If child doesn't need to get out, or there's a better option to get out, then its a no brainer not to take them.

Blu · 18/12/2015 23:42

I wouldn't traipse a 4 year old round in a car for 2.5 hours on Christmas Day if I could help it.

I get that your DH will be working Christmas Eve but if you are doing a hot buffet what needs prepping on the day that can't be done in advance?

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 18/12/2015 23:45

Ok, well I respectfully disagree.

pictish · 18/12/2015 23:49

I also respectfully disagree with you Paul. There's no need for it, so why do it?

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