To not want dd to go to fils grave Xmas morning?

[CrapWreathKeith]

Dh and I agreed this year to have Xmas at home, with just us and dd (4) his idea btw. Usually we alternate between mil and my parents, this year is 'my parents year'. We have ended up with mil too (whole other thread)

The idea originally was get up, open presents, have a couple of hours in the local ( child friendly) come home, have dinner.

This has morphed into get up, open presents, dh take dd to collect mil, via the church yard, pick me up en route to pub (I will have prepped dinner while they are gone) come back, have dinner, dh drops mil home.

Aibu to think

A) dd still doesn't get time to play with her presents and
B) fuck off am I doing all the prep
C) what 4 yo wants to traipse across the churchyard when they could be at home playing in the warm?

Dh thinks I'm unreasonable and should be grateful he is offering to 'get dd out of my hair'

I think he and mil should go alone (Xmas day is fils birthday and he died before dd was even born) but dh should again least peel the spuds before he goes.

Aibu?

Fair enough pictish it may be a grim tradition in your family but its not for others.

And I have RTFT garlic and I'll say again there is obviously a back story which the op thinks isn't relevant but those of you who know the story seem to think it's relevant

I dont know any back story but say taking a little child away from mum on Christmas morning is a bit sad if you arent divorced or anything. This Christmas will be all about creating your own family traditions

The child should be together with both her parents.

The living are more important than the dead. There is only one life.

Fresh air is good though. You should all go for a walk together.

The OP is also going to the pub so not only prepping dinner and the pub is preferable than a graveside.

I like to think of it as a celebration, I feel guilty if I don't visit my dad as I feel like I am leaving it out. It is more for my sake than the kids.

I only got to spend 13 Christmases with my dad so fuck it if anyone is judging me for visiting my dad on Christmas day.

Lucy - as you quoted me. My DS has grandparents he's never met but I don't speak about them each and every day. Because, bluntly speaking, they mean nothing to him. And I'm not going to try and wring grief out of him and make him feel loss and sadness when he doesn't need to.

Sure I talk about them sometimes. Sure I tell him stories about them. But I wouldn't dream of taking him to see their grave.

Thats really sad lynda they mean nothing to your ds? are they your parents? So your ds has never been to his grandparents graves? Why not?

I certainly don't wring grief from my dc. My dd was 5 when my dm died, she has a few times said she misses her Nana but there are no tears or dramatics. We speak about my dps in a happy positive way every day and that's it.

Of course a little girl shouldn't be spending over 2 hours in a car, on Xmas day, to visit a graveyard.

It's a ludicrous arrangement when she could be at home with her mum, playing with her toys.

I can understand why your dh wants to take his mum, let them get on with it and you spend the time with your dd.

Peel the spuds and other veg on Xmas eve so you don't have to do it on Xmas day. OR buy them all already peeled so you don't have to peel anything.

The 23rd is the 3rd anniversary of my mums death. I won't go to the grave that day, neither will my almost 14 yr old ds. We won't go Christmas Day either. And we knew my mum well. I wouldn't be taking a child who didn't know their grandparent to the grave unless said child asked to go. And that's without the back story. I know things are different for different people, and do not judge those who feel differently, this is just my opinion/feeling.

CTK, I hope your Christmas is as close as possible to the one you hoped for, I'd keep dd with you and go to the pub regardless of when your dh and mil return.

My take on this is a little different.

Is your mil, op, likely to get upset at the graveside? Because if she is, then I don't think your 4 year old should be there.

I don't think it is fair for a child to be taken to a graveside and see a grandparent cry with grief on Christmas Day. It's your dd's Christmas Day too, a day that she is probably beside herself with excitement about. Seeing her dgm all upset and teary on that day may unsettle her, and she may feel awkward about how to behave because granny has been crying.

I actually feel it is selfish for your mil and dh to take her, particularly as she didn't know the grandparent in question. There are plenty of other days in the year for her to visit. This, to me, just smacks of your mil wanting to shape other people's Christmas experiences in the manner that reflects what she wants.

It's not a 2 hour trip to visit a grave. It's a two hour trip with daddy to collect grandma and a quick trip to the graveyard.

There is a good chance she will get upset at the graveside, yes.

I feel I should explain that although it is a grave, in a graveyard, with a headstone and flower vases etc, fil was actually cremated and it is his ashes that are buried there (well most of them. Some are in a necklace that mil wears)

To the poster who suggested that dd goes but stays in the car. No, absolutely not. Because she'd be out of sight and what on earth would the point of her going be?

As for the poster that asked how I'd feel if it was dm or df, dsis and I are splitting their ashes when the time comes and they will be staying at home with us.

My gran partly bought me up, I adored her, but my uncle kept the ashes. I have no grave to tend, but it doesn't stop me talking about her, remembering her and loving her. Dd knows all about her, and fil, we talk about them all the time.

In fact in fil was still here there'd be none of this nonsense. He was a lovely, warm, kind and generous person.

Not my parents, no, Lucy. They're people who he recognises in photographs. As I'm sure your ostentatious are to your DS, given you said he has no memory of them.

I don't want my son to feel a terrible lack of people on his life that he's never known. All my family are cremated, there are no graves. I hold them in my heart anyway.

The physical location of fil ashes aren't important. The visiting is entirely for the benefit of mil and your DH. Choosing to disrupt a 4yo's Christmas Day when it isn't necessary isn't kind. Keep her with you. Have DH do the washing up and cups of tea etc in the afternoon in exchange for the prep in the morning/previous evening.

I wouldn't take her. Why can't they go on another day, if they want DD to attend?

My GM never visits my GF grave on Xmas day but does at some point in the festive period. We always toast absent friends to remember, which is quite fitting.

keith, I would tell DH that it is not appropriate to take DD, as MIL will be upset and the journey to/from is just too far. Tell him that she should stay with you, so she can enjoy playing with her toys, you get to prep dinner and go to the pub .

We always went up the cemetery on Christmas Day (this was in Scotland and would often see the same people each year, it was quite a big thing up there), it was a few minutes to my Papa's grave and I never thought anything of it, it was over so quick but was hugely important for my Granny and my mum. I still had plenty of time to play Buckaroo.

Obviously YANBU. I wouldn't voluntarily have a small child doing 2-3 hours in a car on Christmas morning for anything less than fucking Disneyland. MIL and DH are being selfish and thoughtless. I'd certainly be extremely unimpressed with DH in particular, although I'd leave the veg prep out of it if I were you because in fairness that will only take a few minutes. There are ways to mourn and commemorate the dead that don't involve dragging a small child away from her toys on a long journey to what will no doubt be a freezing cold graveyard.

Not sure what that ostentatious is doing there - I think it was supposed to say parents.

janeymoo - do you take your children to the cemetery on Christmas Day?

Does Mil not drive? Can she not just go to the grave en route to you? If DH has only visited the grave once in 7 years he clearly isn't that bothered.

There is really no need for DD to spend all that time in the car either.

If Mil has to be collected, I suggest you spend that time playing with DD. All the adults can then help with preparing the meal when they get in, taking it in turns to play with DD.

Ya so nbu, agree with MrsTP.

Prep your veg the night before, keep dd with you and let dh and mil go on their way if they must.

This, to me, just smacks of your mil wanting to shape other people's Christmas experiences in the manner that reflects what she wants.

I agree.

Lynda - as a family we have gone on Christmas Day, especially as my mum died within the last two years and I miss her terribly. It took mere minutes to visit her grave (and we all went to the pub nearby after for masses of vino (not the kids obvs) so there was a bonus too). I shall go alone this year as my DP is working.

I don't know the back story to this, so can only go on what has been written in this thread.

MIL coming to you when you planned to spend it by yourselves: it's sad when you wanted a Christmas by yourselves, but with her husband dead and her daughter refusing to have her, what choice is there but that she stays home alone by herself on Christmas Day. And how sad for her to feel that her family feel obliged to have her on Christmas Day and resent it.

Secondly, I assume she can't drive. So your DH has to collect her. SHE understandbly wants to go to her husbands grave on his birthday/ Christmas. So it makes sense for her son to drive her to her husband/ his fathers grave and see it on Christmas Day. It doesn't matter if it's your DHs thing, it's his mother's thing.

Thirdly, you DH leaving the house for 2 hours on Christmas Day can't be avoided, he doesn't want to leave you dealing with. 4 year old and lunch, so has kindly suggested taking your DD with him so you don't have to do everything. If you want to prep lunch whilst she plays with her toys at home, why can't you just say "thank you, that is very kind of you to offer, but I think she'd prefer to spend her time at home playing with her toys. I will be fine prepping lunch and looking after her." Have you had this conversation?

I think you are unreasonable objecting to having to do lunch by yourself. Your DH is working the night before, so can't help then and has to collect his mum in the morning and can't exactly peel the spuds on the way. It's a roast dinner, it's not that onerous.

Agree with Werksallhourz... re It's your dd's Christmas Day too, a day that she is probably beside herself with excitement about. absolutely.

Sorry OP but I would not be at all happy if my DH decided to take at least 2 hours out of Christmas Day to collect his mother and to visit a grave that he has been to once in 7 years. Taking DD would be the final straw. You wanted a quiet family Christmas, you are getting none of this and being dictated to by your MIL. If MIL wants to visit the grave she can take herself, if she wants lunch she can bring herself. Otherwise you and your DH and DD can just get on with your quiet Christmas.

yanbu.

I lost my dad in the spring last year. This week on Christmas eve, i will go put a wreath on his grave, wish him merry christmas, and then go enjoy christmas with my living family.

At no point will i feel the need to drag my children with me!

Christmas day is not a day for graveyard visiting or grief. Its enough knowing they're NOT there with you, as they always have been, without wallowing in it, or involving small children.

I think some of you are just not getting it. It doesn't matter whether any of you have made a tradition of visiting graves on Christmas nor does it matter whether you don't "get" going to the pub and it really doesn't matter that you think prepping veg for 4 doesn't take very long.

This is not what the op had planned this Christmas. It is the fact that her day this year has been dictated by another person so her plans have changed dramatically.
Why should she give up going to the pub, why should dd be dragged away from her new toys for 2 and a half hours to do something really not very exciting for a four year old. Why should op be left to prep the dinner whilst her dh is running around to accommodate his mother.

I have changed Christmas plans this year to do what I want for a change, I was sick of keeping everyone else happy whilst I was run ragged with not a word of thanks.

catwreath Yanbu I totally get it, keep your dd home with you whilst dh sorts out his mother. The day may not be exactly how you planned but I guess this would be a good compromise. Also can you prep veg on Christmas Eve ( I always do this) then that way you can sit with a glass of wine or two whilst dd is playing with her toys. And next year make it absolutely clear what your plans are and stick to them.