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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want dd to go to fils grave Xmas morning?

233 replies

CrapWreathKeith · 18/12/2015 22:27

Dh and I agreed this year to have Xmas at home, with just us and dd (4) his idea btw. Usually we alternate between mil and my parents, this year is 'my parents year'. We have ended up with mil too (whole other thread)

The idea originally was get up, open presents, have a couple of hours in the local ( child friendly) come home, have dinner.

This has morphed into get up, open presents, dh take dd to collect mil, via the church yard, pick me up en route to pub (I will have prepped dinner while they are gone) come back, have dinner, dh drops mil home.

Aibu to think

A) dd still doesn't get time to play with her presents and
B) fuck off am I doing all the prep
C) what 4 yo wants to traipse across the churchyard when they could be at home playing in the warm?

Dh thinks I'm unreasonable and should be grateful he is offering to 'get dd out of my hair'

I think he and mil should go alone (Xmas day is fils birthday and he died before dd was even born) but dh should again least peel the spuds before he goes.

Aibu?

OP posts:
Duck90 · 18/12/2015 23:49

Well I don't know your family, but he is her father? Can he not have a say in this?

Be honest, this is not how you wanted Christmas Day to be? It has ruined your plans (which I get is annoying)

Original poster
CrapWreathKeith · 18/12/2015 23:50

I'm not doing a buffet, I'm cooking Christmas dinner. If sil, bil and dneice had come it would have had to be buffet because I only have a small oven and wasn't prepared to spend my entire day rejigging roasting tins trying to cook it all ...

OP posts:
LyndaNotLinda · 18/12/2015 23:51

OMG AIBU is full of fuckwit idiots at the moment, it really is. What on earth is your DD going to get out of it? Fuck all.

Why is your DH insisting he takes her? What's that all about?

MitzyLeFrouf · 18/12/2015 23:51

Sounds silly to me, bringing a 4 year old on a 2.5 hour trip on Christmas Day to visit the grave of a relative who died before she was born.

MajesticWhine · 18/12/2015 23:53

Peeling potatoes for 4 is a fairly quick job so I don't think that's the real issue. Is it more about who is controlling the agenda?

LyndaNotLinda · 18/12/2015 23:59

Do they always go to visit FIL's grave on Xmas Day or is this a new element added in to wrest back some control:

CassieBearRawr · 18/12/2015 23:59

Oh Cat, you'll never get your mythical lovely Christmas!

I personally don't see the point of taking anyone a small child on a several hours round trip to go to a graveyard on christmas morning. I also wouldn't be very happy at being left to do christmas lunch alone.

Can your mother in law come any earlier? If she stayed overnight Christmas eve it avoids anyone having to trek out on christmas morning.

Original poster
CrapWreathKeith · 19/12/2015 00:00

Majestic yes, probably, at least partly.

My dm is not in the best of health, df had a stroke earlier this year. Traditionally we would have been going there, but running around trying to please everyone on alternate christmas/boxing days was so stressful that we opted out this year, yet somehow we've got mil, sil is insulted she wasn't invited and now there's a big trip to the graveyard (dh has only been once before on Christmas day in the 7 years I've known him and that was the 1st year after fils passing)

I'm so tempted to keep dd with me, wave them off all smiley then feck off to my parents instead. Wink

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 19/12/2015 00:01

I'm going to start Christmas bingo.

It will involve anytime a female person has to suck anything up while no one else has to.
"It's just a roast dinner".
Anytime presents are only allowed to cost 5p.

What else?

LyndaNotLinda · 19/12/2015 00:03

Oh in that case, fuck off with taking DD with him. Just go to the pub and leave all the food out for him to do when he gets back

Original poster
CrapWreathKeith · 19/12/2015 00:04

MrsTP I think I luffs you! Grin

OP posts:
Mmmmcake123 · 19/12/2015 00:04

Christmas is supposed to be a special happy time for children I thought. So, Christmas Day being all about the adults is def not OK. Remembering those who've passed is good for a child to be introduced to at other times but a bit inappropriate for a child on Christmas Day. No offence, but don't really get the pub bit either, was brought to pubs as a child so mum could cook and just remember wishing we could get home to presents.

Gruntfuttock · 19/12/2015 00:04

PaulAnkaTheDog "Gruntfuttock don't be stupid."

There is no need to be rude. Why am I stupid for asking a question about something of which I have no personal experience? I have never visited a grave in my life. I simply wondered whether such a small child might find it frightening being told a relative was underneath the ground, because I think I might've done at that age.

Original poster
CrapWreathKeith · 19/12/2015 00:10

Cake, did you have half a dozen friends and the run of the flat above the pub though?

I've lived in pubs all my life, my great grandparents, grandparents and parents were publicans, as was I before I had dd, so I guess it's my normal.

Plus i want my free pint on Christmas day

OP posts:
Mmmmcake123 · 19/12/2015 00:15

TerryPratch
Bingo 'just get something cheap, it's a gesture thing'
'WTF is this tat'

'Ah nobody really cares about it!'
'Ffs why have I been given this'

Clearly I need to sort out my buying habits

GarlicCake · 19/12/2015 00:18

Come on, everybody, this isn't popping down the road for ten minutes' flower arranging! Its' TWO HOURS IN THE CAR on Christmas morning with, from a 4yo's point of view, nothing to show for it.

On top of which (previous thread), Keith's already compromised her almost paradisical Christmas plan for the sake of a MIL who had started judging her before she's even had an invite.

I'm quite pissed off your behalf, Keith. Rather tragically, you're gonna be stuck with the prep whether you do it on the day or the night before. Keep DD with you.

[santa]

Mmmmcake123 · 19/12/2015 00:19

Crapwreathkeith no I didn't but have to admit was always jealous of the girl at school who did live above a pub. Think it's a bit different tho, pubs are great but not when you are taken to them on a timetable, which is what happens when you're the child xx

Krampus · 19/12/2015 00:21

I think if you had included the driving times in your op many of the early replies may have been different. One of your main points was about a child not wanting to be in a cold graveyard on Christmas Morning. For all anyone knew that could be 15 min drive to mil with a stroll around a church.

By the time I had started a reply, got myself another drink, finished, posted, did a few other things, read recent the posts did I notice the next post from you. It could easily have been missed by anyone reading the op.

It's really about an extra person being added into the mix, with a one hour round trip to collect them. Then the goal posts are moved, you now have the extra person, 30 min to them, further 30 mins on to graveyard, hour back to yours, then later hour round trip for your dp to take her back.

Italiangreyhound · 19/12/2015 00:23

I have not read all the comments here but here is my 2p worth.

You are most definitely NOT being unreasonable.

I find it rather unsettling that a child should be taken to a graveyard on Christmas day to visit the grave of a relative she has never met, who died several years ago. It's not a big part of my culture to do this so I do understand for other people it may be normal for them, which if fine, but it sounds like it is not normal for you either. I understand visiting the grave but I wouldn't do it on Christmas Day.

We (my mum, my sister and I) visited the site where my dad's ashes were scattered on the anniversary of his death every year for a number of years but we quickly decided not to take the kids as it actually detracted from our time there having to look after kids while we were trying to look at photos and reminisce about dad! After a few years we stopped this tradition as it was not possible for mum to do the journey any more. It doesn't mean we don't still reminisce and look at photos, we just don't need to do it at a set place.

I'd suggested to dh that he take his mum to the graveyard if this is what they wish to do, dd stay with you and enjoys doing whatever she wants. You both share the prep, whether this is the night before or on the actual day.

Mmmmcake123 · 19/12/2015 00:23

Well put Krampus😁

MitzyLeFrouf · 19/12/2015 00:24

It's times like this you can see the advantage of cremation over burial. If his ashes were in an urn you could just pop him on the kitchen window sill while you all got on with the veg prep together.

Krampus · 19/12/2015 00:26

In your position I would be having a good fry up, letting 4 year old play, put turkey in, take her to nice friendly pub, drink a few pints. When they get to yours say great tureky is cooked, whilst its resting for a couple of hours you lot can sort out the veg and table. I will be watching a film with 4 year old, pass me a glass of fizzy seeing as you are going to the kitchen.

Krampus · 19/12/2015 00:28

Mitzy you could even take them to the pub Xmas Grin

mummy250271 · 19/12/2015 00:29

I would personally see if your husband wants her to go, if he does, then I would allow her to go. Maybe spend time playing with toys rather than visit a pub on Christmas Day, could you and hubby not have cosy night in pub together and leave m-i-l looking after daughter that evening

LyndaNotLinda · 19/12/2015 00:29

:o Mitzy