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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want dd to go to fils grave Xmas morning?

233 replies

CrapWreathKeith · 18/12/2015 22:27

Dh and I agreed this year to have Xmas at home, with just us and dd (4) his idea btw. Usually we alternate between mil and my parents, this year is 'my parents year'. We have ended up with mil too (whole other thread)

The idea originally was get up, open presents, have a couple of hours in the local ( child friendly) come home, have dinner.

This has morphed into get up, open presents, dh take dd to collect mil, via the church yard, pick me up en route to pub (I will have prepped dinner while they are gone) come back, have dinner, dh drops mil home.

Aibu to think

A) dd still doesn't get time to play with her presents and
B) fuck off am I doing all the prep
C) what 4 yo wants to traipse across the churchyard when they could be at home playing in the warm?

Dh thinks I'm unreasonable and should be grateful he is offering to 'get dd out of my hair'

I think he and mil should go alone (Xmas day is fils birthday and he died before dd was even born) but dh should again least peel the spuds before he goes.

Aibu?

OP posts:
FanFuckingTastic · 19/12/2015 00:34

We have a sort of family shrine of ashes, although we do also visit the family grave plot if we are even in Scotland, even over Christmas, but we can drive pretty much to the graveside and leave the kids in the car if we do that.

Is that possible? Because then she could take some of her toys, play away while DH and MIL do their thing, you get a quiet time (albeit with no help prepping) and then everyone goes to pub, then helps with the cooking, serving and cleaning?

I think it is important to make talking about death and such, even if they never met their family, the only memories they'll get to have is if you involve them with talks and visits and pictures and stories. Neither of my children really got to have much of a relationship with most of their family on my side (my step-dad, their granddad was perhaps the only person they both remember spending time with) but I still want them to know all about my Papa and Granny, my Auntie and Uncle, and to talk about their Granddad as much as possible. If visiting a grave is part of that, I would probably try to support that, even if it was frustrating.

I've been happier since I stopped having Christmas Dinner at Christmas, I have to say. Unless it's cooked in a restaurant or by someone else, I'll have a Chinese or Indian takeaway/meal.

MitzyLeFrouf · 19/12/2015 00:35

You could bring him to the pub Krampus, although you'd want to make sure the lid was screwed on tight in case of any festive jostling!

Krampus · 19/12/2015 00:36

Dont leave a straw by the pot.

Charley50 · 19/12/2015 00:40

Yadnbu op. Two hours in a car on Xmas morning to visit a graveside of a long gone grandparent is not an ideal Christmas Day for a four year old. Can't your MIL and DP go on Boxing Day. It's not much fun preparing an Xmas dinner alone either. It's not a good plan.

pictish · 19/12/2015 00:41

Mitzy ha ha Grin

LeaLeander · 19/12/2015 00:43

Can't they visit the grave on Boxing Day or New Year's Eve? It's not as though the deceased would know the difference. Life is for the living.

LucyBabs · 19/12/2015 00:43

Wow quite taken aback by some of the responses and at ops attitude.

"Why would a four year old care about a dead grandad who she never met"

My four year old ds was one when my dm died and 16months when my dad died.
He has no memory of them but we speak about them each and every day.
We lit a candle for grandads bday yesterday and we'll take time out on Christmas day to visit their graves. They are a massive part of my dc's lives even if they never "knew" them

Clearly there is a back story here but the op feels it isnt relevent so in that case you come across as heartless and precious. Would things be different if it was your dfs grave that dd was visiting?

LucyBabs · 19/12/2015 00:46

Hilarious mitzy Hmm

DeepBlueLake · 19/12/2015 00:47

Well I must be an awful and selfish mum for taking my dc to the grave of my dad who died when I was a teenager.

I don't understand going to the pub either on Christmas day, DH and his family are going on Christmas Day between dinner and pudding. I am staying back to look after the kids and prepare pudding and that suits me fine. Though I did grow up in NZ where you just got out the stubbies and got pissed in your own backyard Grin

MitzyLeFrouf · 19/12/2015 00:55

Most of us have lost someone we love LucyBabs. But I still wouldn't take a 4 year old on a two hour trip to visit to a grave on Christmas Day.

OP you don't sound one bit precious or heartless.

GarlicCake · 19/12/2015 00:59

That wasn't immensely tactful Lucy. OP has said "My dm is not in the best of health, df had a stroke earlier this year" and that it was her parents' turn to have them this year.

OP and her partner opted out of all parental visits this year, specifically so they could have a laid-back day with their friends who own the local.

Having MIL's already scuppered this for them. It's a bit much to start asking Keith to imagine her own parents had kicked the bucket, for god's sake!

Italiangreyhound · 19/12/2015 01:01

Agree, life is for the living.

It doesn't mean we forget those who have gone before us, or stop caring about them but I feel it can be a burden to expect children to care about relatives they have not met. Those people who were special to us (our generation) can be remembered by 'us', but not sure why children and the next generation need to share that.

I would not want my family visiting my grave on Christmas Day. I'd be surprised if your dh's father, if he were asked when alive, would have expected family to spend hours visiting his grave on Christmas day.

Relationships and understanding of long lost family do not need to focus on their last resting place. It's possible to keep memories alive with photos, cards, letters, and things the person left behind (like my granddad's medals from the first world war) and it is very relevant when people move, as I say my mum can no longer visit the crematorium gardens, it doesn't mean she cannot remember my dad.

MitzyLeFrouf · 19/12/2015 01:01

Can a relative who died before you were born be a massive part of your life? You can have fond feelings towards them and enjoy hearing about their life and their stories but they're always an abstract rather than a person you've loved.

In my experience at least.

FanFuckingTastic · 19/12/2015 01:02

We often swap ashes around us, to give our relatives a new person to chat to. Those urns/boxes are treated like they are still our family, so we'd quite happily take them somewhere if it felt fitting. I know my Papa and my step-Dad would have loved the pub, we still pop a tot of whisky in a glass for the urn table sometimes. And have some of their precious bits, like a hat/walking stick/pair of headphones for my Dad, and some old bus badges from my Papa's career. It's quite nice, once the grief has softened, to do things like that I found. Obviously not for all, but I found the humour of it sometimes helped with the pain.

LucyBabs · 19/12/2015 01:03

OK then mitzyif you have lost someone you love why the jokey shit about cremation?
It's your prerogative whether you take your dc to visit a grave but I wonder has the ops OH been asked if he'd like his dd to visit his dfs grave?

MitzyLeFrouf · 19/12/2015 01:04

Because you can joke about death too you know. And thank God we can because it bloody helps!

GarlicCake · 19/12/2015 01:05

Oh good grief!

Has anybody found an excuse to say "Have you thought they might have Asperger's?" yet?

Or mention parking?

Xmas Wink
Viviennemary · 19/12/2015 01:06

Some fome families take children on visits to graveyards as a matter of course. But I don't think it's very appropriate on Christmas day. And if you don't want your DD to go then she shouldn't.

LucyBabs · 19/12/2015 01:07

garliccake I assume you know the ops back story then?

And not tactful? Her dh df has died and the ops df will die at some point so what's wrong with asking how she might feel about her dd visiting her dfs grave?

mitzy my dc would not be here if it were not for my dps so yes they are a massive part of my dc's life Confused

MidniteScribbler · 19/12/2015 01:09

I think it should be your DH's decision. It was his father, and she is his child as well and he has as much say in how she spends her time as her mother does. If it's something that is important to him, then that is what should happen.

GarlicCake · 19/12/2015 01:10

You are making this all about you, Lucy. The OP is not you. Her life isn't a clone of yours.

LucyBabs · 19/12/2015 01:13

garliccake ?? All about me? Eh no I am reversing the situation so that the op might be able to see it from her OH point of view. Ridiculous to suggest this has anything to do with me Confused

GarlicCake · 19/12/2015 01:14

If it's something that is important to him ...

dh has only been once before on Christmas day in the 7 years I've known him and that was the 1st year after fils passing

I really must stop giving a shit whether other posters have rtft.

pictish · 19/12/2015 01:14

I lost someone I loved Lucy. My lovely mum. She died before dc2 and dc3 came along. I really miss her.
She was cremated. I laughed at Mitzy's observation. Like she says, it's good that we can laugh about it.

I'd not like to think of my children bringing their children to my graveside on Christmas day. What a grim tradition.

Charley50 · 19/12/2015 01:17

I visit my db's grave who died over 20 years ago. I take my 10 year old DS to visit his grave and we talk about him too. But I wouldn't have taken him on a two hour round trip on Xmas Day to visit the grave when he was four, or leave my partner at home cooking a nice dinner while I did so. Can you see the difference?