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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell daughters dad that he can sod off asking if her can come to her birthday and shove the expensive present up his behind.

77 replies

cindylougerm · 16/12/2015 21:31

There is alot of back history so bare with me.

Daughter is turning 2.
She was born poorly and had been poorly ever since.
She has spent 22 months out of 24 months in hospital.
Her dad left us when she was in nicu om life support at 2 weeks old.
Has only visited 3 times since.
Once was her first birthday ( because his mum wanted to so he acted like the good dad ) this was a after 8 months of not seeing her.
This year he has visited once about 7 months ago.
She had open heart surgery and I rang him to tell him she was going down, he did not ring for 3 weeks to see of she was ok.
She got sick 13 weeks ago and ended up on life support - could not get hold of him for weeks.

We are getting out of hospital 2moro for.our first real xmas and bday at home.
We have organised a party for our families and friends and he has just rang to say he is coming with his mum ( she probably initiated it ) so he will come and act like father of the year

OP posts:
Beth2511 · 16/12/2015 21:33

Tell him hes not welcome and leave it at that.

Original poster
cindylougerm · 16/12/2015 21:33

For his mum and bringing her a fancy telly and dvd player. ( sorry post posted to soon and did not know if I could edit it)

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 16/12/2015 21:36

Gosh... he told you he was coming... sadly I don't think the telly would fit up his behind, the dvd might if it's a slimline. But you could have fun trying anyway.

(No, you can't edit posts, sadly.)

BearFoxBear · 16/12/2015 21:37

Tell them that they are not welcome, end of story.

BooyakaTurkeyisMassive · 16/12/2015 21:39

He sounds like a massive twat. Does he live abroad or something? Or has he just chosen to barely see her?

Having said that, no matter how understandably cross you are feeling it's probably for the best for DD that you do promote what contact you can. But I don't think coming to a party your family are holding is really appropriate. It would be intrusive, stop you from enjoying yourself and there would be so many other people there it wouldn't be quality time with your daughter. Tell him that he is not welcome at the party and that he can see DD at another quieter time.

Whatever happens pass on the present, it's DDs, and you don't want him to be able to say when she's older that he tried to send presents and you stopped him.

Aeroflotgirl · 16/12/2015 21:39

Tell him to sod off and irganise his own party for her. He is a piss poor 'father'.

pretend · 16/12/2015 21:40

Tell him to fuck off and take his fucking tv with him.

Has his mum been around more? If not I'd tell her to fuck off too

PinotAndPlaydough · 16/12/2015 21:40

I would say no and that if he wants to set up some sort of contact you will discuss it in the new year but that right now after what sounds like an awful two years you both need some peace and quiet and no big disruptions or upheavals in your life's.
He can't pick and choose when he wants to be a dad, he either needs to be consistent on leave you to it. My dad was in and out my life and I honestly wish he had just not bothered, I've had no contact with him since I was 16 and now 17 years down the line I wish contact had been stopped sooner as it was just heart breaking and disruptive.

So glad to hear your little girl is doing better and enjoy her birthday and Christmas

KumquatMaybe · 16/12/2015 21:41

I'd tell him he can fuck right off. Maybe phrase it differently but that would be my general point.

Hope your daughter carries on getting better and has a lovely birthday and Christmas Smile

Diggum · 16/12/2015 21:42

There are several cutting comments I could think of right now but I agree with PPs. Tell him he's not welcome and you will not be accepting his gift.

Flowers for you and your lovely DD for getting through what sounds like an unbelievably tough year together.

TimeToMuskUp · 16/12/2015 21:43

Nope, I'm all for Dad's being involved and having full rights and responsibilities, but in your situation he deserves nothing but a punch to the kidney and a belt across the chin with some two by four. What an absolute dong.

You don't have to have him in your home, nor his Mother. You aren't obliged to them in any way at all. They have walked away from their dreadfully sick Daughter/Grandaughter and now deign to visit? They should be shamed to death.

pretend · 16/12/2015 21:43

Also, you sound incredibly strong and to come through a year of what you and your baby have been through. Neither of you need a loser like that distracting you from what's important and sucking your energy.

Cut him loose.

Original poster
cindylougerm · 16/12/2015 21:43

I never stop contact and he can see her.
Just not that day, its a day to celebrate her life and all she has been through.
No his mum has only seen her on her first birthday.
No he does not live abroad.

OP posts:
Mmmmcake123 · 16/12/2015 21:45

He has no place in disrupting something you have planned after such a long absence. Has his mum had contact with you?

pretend · 16/12/2015 21:46

No. If he wants to build a relationship that cannot be done on a day like that day.

He needs to start small and take it slowly if he's serious.

If he doesn't want to do that he's not serious. And if he's not serious he can fuck off.

BooyakaTurkeyisMassive · 16/12/2015 21:47

Was his mother invited anyway? Do you get on with her?

Mmmmcake123 · 16/12/2015 21:47

Sorry cross posted. Don't tolerate either of them! They haven't been any support and now want to turn up for Xmas!!!!

Original poster
cindylougerm · 16/12/2015 21:49

Did not invite either of them, I actually have no issue with his mum she lives further away and is pleasant but does not ring to see how she is either.

OP posts:
kilmuir · 16/12/2015 21:50

I would normally say Dad should be involved, but bloody hell what a cheeky sod!
no need for grand gestures. He should be doing it slowly

Mmmmcake123 · 16/12/2015 21:52

I do feel a little bit sorry for grandparents when their offspring are no good, but from what you have said you need to focus your energy on you and yours. She hasn't done anything to warrant you being sympathetic. They both need to be told they are not welcome and gifts not needed but if they wish they can drop them at a designated place.
Can't believe you are having to put up with this stress!!!

Taylor22 · 16/12/2015 21:54

Text or email him so the conversation is documented.
Tell him that he is not welcome at the party that you have organised. If he would like to arrange supervised access then he can contact you through text/email and you will find a time that is suitable your your daughter.

Do not let him bully you. You have been through hell. I can't imagine what the last 2 years have been like for you. This party isn't just to celebrate her life but to also celebrate your strength and commitment to her as well as the fact that you're a kick ass mum.

pretend · 16/12/2015 21:54

Agreed about grandma. There are a million ways she could have provided support, even if her son wasn't involved. She hasn't done that, so she gets no truck from me.

RJnomore1 · 16/12/2015 21:55

Who on earth buys a two year old a telly?

Im not anti kids watching TV but it's hardly top of oriorites. They're too small to even put it on themselves.
Sorry I know that's not your main problem but I reckon it shows what a tit he is even more!

GloGirl · 16/12/2015 21:56

Honest to God I would get my beefiest, nasty mother fucker of a friend to stand outside tomorrow and tell him to fuck off.

And if you couldn't post on a local Facebook site or Gumtree and offer someone £40 to do it.

What a Cunt, he would be getting in on pain of death and there is NO way I would want to Dd more stress by negotiating with him or his mother and putting up with the hysterics. Just no, fuck off.

GloGirl · 16/12/2015 21:57

Want to add, not dd

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