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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell daughters dad that he can sod off asking if her can come to her birthday and shove the expensive present up his behind.

77 replies

cindylougerm · 16/12/2015 21:31

There is alot of back history so bare with me.

Daughter is turning 2.
She was born poorly and had been poorly ever since.
She has spent 22 months out of 24 months in hospital.
Her dad left us when she was in nicu om life support at 2 weeks old.
Has only visited 3 times since.
Once was her first birthday ( because his mum wanted to so he acted like the good dad ) this was a after 8 months of not seeing her.
This year he has visited once about 7 months ago.
She had open heart surgery and I rang him to tell him she was going down, he did not ring for 3 weeks to see of she was ok.
She got sick 13 weeks ago and ended up on life support - could not get hold of him for weeks.

We are getting out of hospital 2moro for.our first real xmas and bday at home.
We have organised a party for our families and friends and he has just rang to say he is coming with his mum ( she probably initiated it ) so he will come and act like father of the year

OP posts:
EdithWeston · 16/12/2015 21:57

"I never stop contact and he can see her."

Then your answer is: "That is not possible as we have plans. How about Boxing Day? We could fit you in then."

OTiTO · 16/12/2015 22:00

It's a no from me too. How did he find out about the party Confused
I think you should facilitate contact at other times if it's convenient for you but I wouldn't have him over on her birthday.

Hope your DD has a wonderful birthday.

mineofuselessinformation · 16/12/2015 22:00

WTAF? You need to ask? Of course you don't....
Fwiw, my situation doesn't come remotely close to yours, but xh tried to manipulate one of dcs so that I got only 24hrs with them over the Christmas period. Using slightly more polite words, i told him to shove it up his arse.
YAsoNBU.

Original poster
cindylougerm · 16/12/2015 22:03

Thankyou
The reason I asked is because I am so pro contact with dads and have accomadated whenever he decides to see her.
So was questioning my bitterness haha.

OP posts:
Thisismyfirsttime · 16/12/2015 22:05

How did they know there was a party and where/ when it's happening? If you didn't tell them who did? Whoever it was should be getting a bollocking (assuming you didn't tell his mum for whatever reason) because if they're so disinterested in dd they shouldn't get to rock up to the good bits and mutual friends should know that!

VestalVirgin · 16/12/2015 22:05

Celebrate one day early (If everyone you invited can come). That way he doesn't get to ruin the party. When he comes, tell him the party has been cancelled.

How does he know about the party, anyway? Or is it on the same day as her birthday?

You could just not open the door to him, but that would be rather stressful, as I think he'd be the type to ring the doorbell repeatedly.

YouBastardSockBalls · 16/12/2015 22:05

Just send back 'you cannot be serious. Fuck off.'

What a twat.

I really hope you have a lovely time tomorrow, sounds like you both truly deserve it Flowers

missymayhemsmum · 16/12/2015 22:06

YANBU. Tell him he is not welcome. Point out to his ma that most of your friends and family would like to string him up slowly, so he would find it awkward. And that your party is a small one, just you, dd and the people who have been there for you.
Offer to arrange supervised contact at a convenient time, provided he is willing to commit to a regular contact arrangement and regular maintenance.

TheHouseOnTheLane · 16/12/2015 22:07

vestal has the best idea. Is it possible to change the day secretly to avoid confrontation? I hope DD continues to thrive.xx

Owllady · 16/12/2015 22:10

I don't think the telly would fit up his arse but you could try beating him to death with it?

You've had hell of a two years haven't you? Really, you've done amazingly well as its so hard. How is she doing now? Will she be able to stay at home after Christmas?

carrielou2007 · 16/12/2015 22:11

Over my dead body would he be coming! He can see her another time, YOU have been with your dd and YOU can put your foot down. With no reason on his part for not seeing her more before now then yes you can say no for this one instance, he can see her for the fourth time on another day

Guiltypleasures001 · 16/12/2015 22:13

Hi op can I come to the party I'm gunning for a fight I'de happily be on the door for you, and can we invite Anyfucker as well Grin

Thanks for you and your dd

ohtheholidays · 16/12/2015 22:15

No,he doesn't get to pick up and put down your DD when he feels like it and neither does his mother.They need to realize that your DD is a human being not a sodding Doll!

It must be so hard for you and so scary as well but you sound like your an amazing Mum and that's all your DD needs. Smile

Happy Birthday for your little girl and Happy Christmas it's amazing that she's getting to come home.I hope you all have the best day ever. Flowers

Katarzyna79 · 16/12/2015 22:16

fathers should have a right to see their children and sometimes great fathers go through a lot of emotional abuse form their ex partners. But in this case its obvious he doesn't care, otherwise there would be frequent and regular contact. I think you should tell him he's not welcome and if he really cares he will apply to the courts for regular contact, i really doubt he will from the background info you have posted, he sounds vile. Even a neighbour with no blood ties would do regular visits if they knew of your childs condition. He has the same blood running through his veins but doesn't care he makes me so angry, i don't even know him

my cousin has progeria its an extremely rare condition not many kids in the world have it. He's had it since he was a toddler, his father also ditched the boy and the other 5 siblings. He wanted the easy life no responsibilities then why create these kids why get married even?

passmethewineplease · 16/12/2015 22:17

Sorry to hear your DD has been so poorly. Glad that she's on the mend though.

Tell him to fuck off. He has a serious cheek. I'd go one step further and tell him to go to the courts to gain contact.

He is not a good person, and your DD will probably be better off without such a let down who chooses when to be a part of her life.

He isn't worth it.

Original poster
cindylougerm · 16/12/2015 22:21

He knows because of mutual people and can not change the day because of its a hall , elsa coming etc.
I am just going to be firm and say no then deal with the backlash.

OP posts:
BitchPeas · 16/12/2015 22:22

Either tell him to fuck off, or if you don't think he'll listen say, ok that's great it's changed to X date hope you can still make it Smile then make sure you're out on that day!

Taylor22 · 16/12/2015 22:25

Tell him as well that if he does show up you will be contacting the police.

SpecialistSnowflake · 16/12/2015 22:25

That's terrible. I'd say that it's not appropriate because all the people who have actually cared for her and supported her this past year will be there, but that you are happy to meet him and his mother to discuss access arrangements. Turning up once a year will be harmful and confusing, because she won't know who they are!

ChinaSorrows · 16/12/2015 22:26

These "mutual people"
Who have told him your plans.
Will they support you when you tell them that Disney dad and his fucking tv are not coming to your daughters birthday. She doesn't know him, doesn't know his mother and you need her celebration to be a low stress and as positive an experience as you can for your little girl?

Also.
Why the hell did they share the details with him?

pretend · 16/12/2015 22:26

Shame him. Even my ex couldn't face off a sea of disapproving friends and family at a kids birthday.

You'd have to be a thick skinned motherfucker to brass neck that one

jemimavintage · 16/12/2015 22:30

cindylou, you sound like one amazing mum!!!! You've been more than accommodating towards your daughters dad.. IF you can cope with the dad and his mother visiting, then why not... Perhaps your daughter would like that and get some benefit from it. If you can't cope with it, it should be your call. But you're right to do everything that's comfortable with you....to facilitate contact, despite him being a bit (lot) of a git.. :) You do it for your daughter, and that's so admirable... Well done girlie..

thequickbrownfox · 16/12/2015 22:35

Another voice joining the chorus! Tell him to get lost. My DD doesn't have any of the health issues your little girl has, but her dad does exactly what you're describing - no contact for months (his choice), then calls up out of the blue on her birthday or Christmas, usually to impress either his mum or a new gf, totally upsetting her and knocking her off kilter for days. The selfish gits don't deserve these beautiful children.

cakedup · 16/12/2015 22:43

Backlash?? What backlash?? He dare create any backlash for you!

This is not about being pro contact with dads. This idiot is no father, he can't really care if he can go for weeks without asking about her, especially considering how ill she has been.

Yes, at a push, I would say that if he is really serious about wanting to maintain consistent contact with her, then to start very very slowly and he needs to prove himself.

But honestly? I don't think he'll change Sad. My ds has got a father like that. In and out of his life from birth to the age of 3. Once DS got to 3, and therefore became more aware of the situation, I told ex dp to stop fucking around. That if he went AWOL again that he should not bother to come back at all. He never contacted us again, DS is 10 now. Should DS want to find him when he's older then he can, I've never actually stopped the contact but I made it clear that I wasn't going to tolerate DS being constantly let down and messed around.

Do you really want someone like that in your DD's life?

RebootYourEngine · 16/12/2015 22:44

Tell the useless fucker to fuck right off.

I would also be telling those mutual friends what he is like. If they still support him i would tell them to get to fuck too.