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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell daughters dad that he can sod off asking if her can come to her birthday and shove the expensive present up his behind.

77 replies

cindylougerm · 16/12/2015 21:31

There is alot of back history so bare with me.

Daughter is turning 2.
She was born poorly and had been poorly ever since.
She has spent 22 months out of 24 months in hospital.
Her dad left us when she was in nicu om life support at 2 weeks old.
Has only visited 3 times since.
Once was her first birthday ( because his mum wanted to so he acted like the good dad ) this was a after 8 months of not seeing her.
This year he has visited once about 7 months ago.
She had open heart surgery and I rang him to tell him she was going down, he did not ring for 3 weeks to see of she was ok.
She got sick 13 weeks ago and ended up on life support - could not get hold of him for weeks.

We are getting out of hospital 2moro for.our first real xmas and bday at home.
We have organised a party for our families and friends and he has just rang to say he is coming with his mum ( she probably initiated it ) so he will come and act like father of the year

OP posts:
Elfieselfie · 16/12/2015 22:46

You must be so relieved your daughter is coming home for birthday and xmas. Do not let this wanker or his mother ruin it. Tell them you are happy to promote contact with your daughters paternal family and are happy to meet in the new year to discuss child arrangements. Email it to them if you can and keep a copy, if not text them.

Don't let the knobheads spoil this precious time for you.

SpecialistSnowflake · 16/12/2015 22:47

It's great to facilitate contact, but it has to be beneficial to the child. Erratic contact can be detrimental to the child's wellbeing. Too often men get away with having however much contact suits them. It's not about them.

You need to have a hard talk with him - and his mother if he needs to have her there...

MoMoTy · 16/12/2015 22:49

Yanbu you don't need to have him there on that special day. Hope your dd is doing much betterFlowers

Jinglebells99 · 16/12/2015 22:54

I hope your dd has a lovely party. I don't think your ex should go to it or his mother. He should be ashamed of himself. I hope you both have a lovely Christmas.

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 16/12/2015 22:57

When he starts having regular contact and paying maintence then he can start being part of events like birthday, Christmas Easter ect.

Your precisely little girl has gone through a lot in her short life and he hasn't been there for her. He has neglected her when in time face some serious Heath problems.

Like fuck does he deserve to celebrate her birthday when that's the time he thought fuck it my life is a lot more important

Justaboy · 16/12/2015 23:08

Poor little soul and poor mum as well.

You have had more than your fair share to cope with and well done for being there for your little 'un:-)

Far be it for me to disagree with the MN crew and I do understand their reactions but is there any other reason why he has done this, virtually ignored his daughter since she was born? It does seem a very I suppose bastardly thing to do let alone him not supporting you either in the time she's been around.

Like is he in some way mentally ill or deficient at all or anything like that can you say?.

ScrambledSmegs · 16/12/2015 23:12

Does she even know who he is, given that he's seen her so little? Toddlers are pretty wary of strangers normally, surely he wouldn't want to possibly upset and scare her on her birthday?

Oh, yeah, he's not thinking about her at all, is he...

Original poster
cindylougerm · 16/12/2015 23:23

Thanks for you support.
I do hope one day he will change and she will have a relationship with her dad.
I am not sure whether he struggled with her prognosis and got scared so always try to think that maybe its fear and try to accomadate that.

OP posts:
cakedup · 16/12/2015 23:26

You are very accommodating OP. Did you not struggle with her prognosis?? It's besides the point, you put your fear aside when it's your child.

Justaboy · 16/12/2015 23:26

cindylougerm It does seem that you do want him back in her life somehow, but have you ever had a chance to talk to him as to why he's behaved the way he has at all?.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 16/12/2015 23:29

OP, of course YANBU. He can see her a different day - I don't see why he should rock up to her birthday party.

I hope your DD loves her Elsa party, what a stressful time you have had Thanks

Rockingaround · 16/12/2015 23:31

Hi OP, I'm not sure wether you tell him not to come, it might be an extra stress you don't need in terms of the confrontation, you feeling harassed by it etc but do you know, we live very far away from my family and when both my DC were smaller they both didn't remember half of my family and wouldn't go near them, they'd be asked to have cuddles etc but they just wouldn't, they just didn't see them often enough to not view them as strangers. I'd be inclined to prove this point to your DD's father, I'd tell him he can only come for an hour as she will have her nap, if them tell him to not bring the TV as you think she's too little and you actually don't want her watching anymore telly than the odd hour she watches with you in the lounge, he could perhaps get her a trampoline for the garden or something else YOU think she would like. I'd then also tell him not to crowd her and allow her to come to him If she wants to and feels confident, explain that it's all very new for her bring at home again and you want her to settle back in at her own pace. By doing this your showing him that you are her parent and you know what's best for her, whilst showing him he's not. Whilst they're there I would play with my DD, (let them get their own drinks) I wouldn't engage in conversation with them and I'd let them feel as out of place as they should, hopefully they'll leave early and will be more thoughtful next time. You sound lovely and I don't see why you should enter into anything confrontational with him of his mother, shame on them OP! Your beautiful little girl will grow up to know her father first hand, she will realise how he let her down, she'll see him for who he is and he will be ever the looser. Please try and enjoy this wonderful time you have waited for and earned. Flowers for you and your DD, 🌈 so much love and hugs xxx

Rockingaround · 16/12/2015 23:34

Sorry typing in dark with both DC's asleep next to me, typing is hard - hope you got the gist c

Domino777 · 16/12/2015 23:45

Tell him you want him to come on a different day when they can both spend quality one to one time with her. They won't get this at the party and haven't seen her for such a long time. And quality time is what they need to build a bond. Tell them you are very sorry you can't invite them to the party. However if they want to arrange their own birthday celebration for her, you're sure she would enjoy it a lot.

AnotherStitchInTime · 17/12/2015 00:16

No YANBU. What a toad. He doesn't get to rock up and steal the thunder at a birthday party he hasn't organised with his flashy gift like it is all OK. If he wants to see her fine, but when it is a good time for you. You have been more than accommodating. Ps I have sent you a pm.

Original poster
cindylougerm · 17/12/2015 00:56

I replied to your inbox -I think lol

OP posts:
batshitlady · 17/12/2015 08:41

He sounds like an immense twat OP. Tell him and his mum it's too little too late. He showed no interest / commitment / support to either of you during what must have been the most worrying and distressing time, for your child and yourself. Do they think a big vulgar telly is going to compensate, what planet are these people on?

I'd tell him he'll have to build his relationship with your DD himself in time and in his own way, (after he's grown up a bit by the sound of it), he can't expect to just show up now and buy his way in. Not after leaving you to face all the recent trauma on your own.

Flowers for you, and a cuddle for your little Munchkin! Merry Xmas. xx

Paintedhandprints · 17/12/2015 09:28

Have you got some family support who can turn him away at the door? What a tonk and his mother! As everyone else has said.
Who are these interfering third parties feeding him information?
My nephews father left when eldest was four and youngest one. Occasionally said he would bring a present for Christmas or birthday (for eldest only!),leading to great anticipation from nephew only to not bother turning up! We soon clocked not to let nephew know anything.
If he really wants to see your daughter, the birthday celebrations have arranged and paid for are not his right!
A better gesture would have been her bedside on hospital.
Does he pay any maintenance?
I would get him to arrange contact through the courts. I bet he wouldn't bother.

Allbymyselfagain · 17/12/2015 09:30

Can j just be a voice of caution. Don't tell him to fuck off if he decides to play nasty that would not look good to anyone in authority. I agree you have every right to do so but I'm thinking bigger picture.

How about playing it along the lines of I'm sorry but DD has had a very difficult stressful few years, I am trying to help her settle back into her home and routine with minimum fuss and stress for her. On her birthday I do not want people she doesn't know confusing and upsetting her further. As you have made no effort and only seen her twice in this time you do unfortunately count as one of those people she doesn't know. I would happy to facilitate contact between you and will be in contact in the new year to arrange mutually convenient regular times for that and also maintenance payments. I'm sorry but I have to consider the best interests of my DD at this difficult time and a stranger coming in and telling her he is her daddy will confuse and upset her. Also who the duck buys a tv for a two year old take it back and buy her a teddy bear!

MatildaTheCat · 17/12/2015 09:57

YANBU in the least. Do email and say as politely as you can muster that he can set up supervised contact when your dd is settled back into home as she has enough changes going on. If they do just turn up I'd be very tempted to make a loud introduction in front of everyone, 'DD, let me introduce you to your father.' Grin That should make him squirm.

Can I just urge a tiny bit of caution regarding the party? It sounds lovely but could be overwhelming for a poorly toddler and might also expose her to infections. Sorry, I don't mean to sound a killjoy. Flowers

thequickbrownfox · 17/12/2015 16:53

allbymyaelfagain is speaking total sense two posts above. Keep your powder dry OP Flowers

Aeroflotgirl · 17/12/2015 17:35

Very well worded allbymyself, not only that but it confronts him with the harsh truth. He can arrange contact with you afterwards, and if he lets dd down I woukd forget about him.

Justaboy · 18/12/2015 10:05

cindylougerm Well have you decided what your going to do as yet or not if i may ask?.

ceebie · 18/12/2015 10:11

OP, I would suggest that you tell him (and his Mum) that you are happy for them to have contact with DD, and you will make suitable arrangements with them to accommodate that.

However, the day that you and your family are celebrating with her is NOT a suitable day.

They can have their own, separate days.

Goldenhandshake · 18/12/2015 12:01

OP tell the pair of them to piss off, raging for you and your DD. How dare they try to act like Dad and Granny of the year, after all she has been through and they have not so much as called to see how she is. Sickening.

Stick the present up his nostril, it will hurt more.