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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

This man- what happens?

167 replies

CreepingDogFart · 15/12/2015 23:04

This is hypothetical:

You're single.
You meet a lovely charming man.
He is kind to you, attractive to you and a real gent.
No one has been so kind.
He helps you when you need it.
He gets on with your friends.
He treats you.
The conversation is stimulating.
He defends you.
He is a nice person to you and you feel special.
You spend time together and over time are in a relationship.
You find out off someone else that he is racist.
You've seen no evidence of this before and no conversations have led down this road.
You investigate either by speaking directly to him or by other means and discover that not only is he racist but he is high profile in a racist organisation.
You discover he has committed violent racist acts and treats others of a different race in complete contrast to the way he treats you and makes you feel.

You love him.
He is racist.
What would you do?

Please note that I have not referenced any specific race here.

OP posts:

nooka · 16/12/2015 02:40

True enough. Violent act seems fairly straightforward, but you are right, even violence can be variably defined.

BlueJug · 16/12/2015 02:41

That's exactly the point. It's all just rhetoric ulness we know what the circumstances are.

Atenco · 16/12/2015 02:44

Apart from the central theme of racism, I once had a partner who was very disrespectful of people in the service industry, like taxi drivers and waitresses and I found it all too mortifying because with someone who treats others with disrespect.

And please would people stop trying to make out that all of us who would object to white supremicists would have no problem with racists of other colours and creeds. I am probably more understanding of an oppressed group's racist reaction against representatives of the oppressive group, but I don't ever condone it and I'm sure I speak for the vast majority of anti-racists.

PegsPigs · 16/12/2015 03:06

He dismisses and is prejudiced against an entire group of people simply because of the race they happened to be born into? He would be gone from my life. It is a deal breaker topic to hate people you don't even know simply because they have one single common characteristic which is entirely beyond their control. It's like saying he is prejudiced against all blonde people. How bizarre based on just one thing. If he's intolerant about race what else is he intolerant of? And is violent in enforcing that intolerance - would flash DV warning signs in future to me.

IloveJudgeJudy · 16/12/2015 03:21

Sallyingforth I would have thought the same as you until DS1 worked with someone who was "high up" in a racist organisation in his spare time. The only reason DS1 knew was that the person told him. Of course, that completely changed DS1's view of him, but until he found out, he thought the person was lovely and the person was very helpful to DS1 (who is, of course, the "right" race according to this person).

OP. I definitely would not continue my relationship with the person in the situation outlined by you.

Playnicelyforfiveminutes · 16/12/2015 04:31

I know that most people will disagree with me on this, but personally I think there is a big difference between someone who believes, say, black people are less intelligent than white people, and someone who says they think there are too many Eastern Europeans in England now and that they think the borders should be closed. The second example isn't racist to me a all. It's a political opinion that's all, and nothing to do with race discrimination

GlitteryFluff · 16/12/2015 05:16

I would partly agree with you play if it wasn't for this line 'he has committed violent racist acts' which is stepping it up to another level.

Playnicelyforfiveminutes · 16/12/2015 05:20

Yes, there is no compromise when it comes to violence

YakTriangle · 16/12/2015 05:35

Somebody's beliefs are a huge part of them. This person believes that other races are inferior to the point where he uses violence towards them. It doesn't matter how nice he is towards you, that part of them is still there. They have a vicious nature.

Domino777 · 16/12/2015 05:39

I wouldn't see him again because he's violent and full of hatred. Yes at the moment his violent hatred is is directed at race, however it could be directed at you in the future. Also of you did stay together what warped values would he instil into your children?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 16/12/2015 05:40

No I don't think most people would disagree with you, Playnicely, for the simple reason that most Eastern Europeans are also white caucasians, and therefore the same race as the little Englanders who would rather they didn't come to the UK. So of course it's not racism. It could be xenophobia though.

Domino777 · 16/12/2015 05:42

I wouldn't stay with anyone who showed VIOLENT hatred to another person.

Domino777 · 16/12/2015 05:46

The violent hatred will be a result of major emotional issues he holds. Don't be fooled by the romantic lovely start, he has huge emotional hang ups

Playnicelyforfiveminutes · 16/12/2015 06:03

I didn't know that thumb, Thanks for the new word! I've definitely seen people called racist on this site for saYing "people are dying while waiting to see a consultant - time to shut the borders"

TheSpectreOfMorningtonCrescent · 16/12/2015 06:21

So, basically a criminal?
What a catch.

pictish · 16/12/2015 06:55

I'd dump him obviously. It has no future.

PurpleGreenAvocado · 16/12/2015 07:15

LTB, hypothetical or not.

StoptheRavelry · 16/12/2015 07:25

If you love someone, you have to ove their beliefs and their thinking. You don't love him if you don't love what he believes, or what he does. That's not love. That's a sexual attraction and intimacy with someone you cannot love.

Fatrascals · 16/12/2015 07:31

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

Lobatri · 16/12/2015 07:33

Dangerous in many ways that will no doubt come out in future. Just run NOW.

Besom · 16/12/2015 07:42

Step 1. Run away very fast!

It's a no brainer for me.

sparechange · 16/12/2015 07:48

Tell him why you are splitting up with him, so he knows that his vile views and membership of a vile organisation are not compatible with a normal relationship

And then thank my lucky stars for my escape.

Mehitabel6 · 16/12/2015 07:52

He may appear pleasant on the surface but he isn't a nice person. Leave early- you have had the warning.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 16/12/2015 07:53

Maybe the OP is writing an article or a book.

As she hasn't been back to comment or discuss.

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 16/12/2015 08:01

Like fatrascals, I found the stuff about 'defends you' a bit odd. I read the start of your list and thought, she's going to say 'treats you like a princess' in a minute. Warning bells.

Can't believe this didn't come up in conversation. You haven't talked about the Syran refugee crisis, or the rise of Isis, or whether 9/11 was a conspiracy? Those three conversational topics should flush out most flavours of opinions that I would be sexually incompatible with.

Lucky I'm not on the dating scene, really; "Well, you are incredibly hot and I'd love to swing from the chandeliers with you, but first I need to talk to you about Syria. This is not a euphemism."

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