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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

This man- what happens?

167 replies

CreepingDogFart · 15/12/2015 23:04

This is hypothetical:

You're single.
You meet a lovely charming man.
He is kind to you, attractive to you and a real gent.
No one has been so kind.
He helps you when you need it.
He gets on with your friends.
He treats you.
The conversation is stimulating.
He defends you.
He is a nice person to you and you feel special.
You spend time together and over time are in a relationship.
You find out off someone else that he is racist.
You've seen no evidence of this before and no conversations have led down this road.
You investigate either by speaking directly to him or by other means and discover that not only is he racist but he is high profile in a racist organisation.
You discover he has committed violent racist acts and treats others of a different race in complete contrast to the way he treats you and makes you feel.

You love him.
He is racist.
What would you do?

Please note that I have not referenced any specific race here.

OP posts:
UnderCrackers5 · 16/12/2015 00:54

Then she should not have brought it up

SavageBeauty73 · 16/12/2015 00:56

Run

CainInThePunting · 16/12/2015 00:58

She brought it up as it was relevant to her response to the OP's question, I would imagine.
That doesn't make it fair game for you to speculate, without knowing her, or her husband, how he feels about their marriage.
Out of order.

BlueJug · 16/12/2015 00:58

So does anyone else think OP not coming back?

Maybe she has done as AF suggested and converted to racism and is living happily ever after.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 16/12/2015 00:58

Thank you Bluejug, yes. And Liney - yes I should, shouldn't I. I will now Xmas Wink

ReginaBlitz · 16/12/2015 00:59

Why do you even need to ask Ffs? Do you want kids with a violent racist? Kids that will probably end up sharing their views with this vile piece of shit? Get rid quick, he's lied to you anyway.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 16/12/2015 00:59

Oh and thank you Cain too. Xmas Smile

UnderCrackers5 · 16/12/2015 01:00

BlueJug makes a few good points
about how much we are prepared to put up with our partners
in return for love, status , standard of living and quality of life.

The OP says she loves this man. that's it for me. stick with him

hefzi · 16/12/2015 01:01

I appreciate that this is a hypothetical - but I wonder whether, as a PP has suggested, the issue is racism, rather than something else unsavory/unpleasant/illegal whatever?

I would also be wondering how, given our close and lovely relationship, I hadn't found this out for myself - except that I know one person I knew slightly and who seemed a lovely, kind, gentle man, ended up in prison as a result of the images of children he had downloaded. None of us who knew him (and I don't just mean peripherally like myself- I am including in this people who had known and lived with him for over 25 years) knew or suspected a thing.

It's this that makes me wonder whether this hypothetical case is indeed about racism.

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/12/2015 01:05

You love him.
He is racist.
What would you do?"

I would accept that I didn't actually love HIM - I'd loved an illusion, the man I thought he was; not the man he actually is.
I would LTB.
I would wonder how the fuck he managed to fool me for all that length of time and be very, very, very pissed off with myself.

UnderCrackers5 · 16/12/2015 01:09

This is mad
just look at that last post and substitute flares or tattoos

You love him.
He wears flares.
What would you do?"

I would accept that I didn't actually love HIM - I'd loved an illusion, the man I thought he was; not the man he actually is.
I would LTB.
I would wonder how the fuck he managed to fool me for all that length of time and be very, very, very pissed off with myself

CainInThePunting · 16/12/2015 01:11

But it's not about innocuous flares or tattoos OP, it's about racism.

Ginkypig · 16/12/2015 01:12

Replace racist with child abuser, I think the answer is clear.

lorelei9 · 16/12/2015 01:12

Undercrackers - the violence doesn't worry you? It's all good because she loves him?

BlueJug · 16/12/2015 01:13

hefzi - I suspect there are many people who would horrify us if we only knew. The number of times people are interviewed who went to school or were neighbours of someone who has turned out to be a murderer and say "He seemed like a lovely boy" or "She kept herself to herself" !!

I can't imagine though, that as someone said upthread, if a man was active in an organisation and it was central to his beliefs he would want or be able to keep it secret from his lover/partner. hefzi might have a point about it being about something else.

lorelei9 · 16/12/2015 01:15

btw I wonder what happens to friends in this hypothetical situation

presumably you're banned from having friends from whatever origin he is violent towards...for their own good as much as yours.

what a life! OP, as I strongly suspect this is you - have a look on Relationships and see what happens to many of them when they start off on a better footing!

you've got the full information - violent racist. oh and don't forget that will make some people see you as fair game if they are retaliating.

Out2pasture · 16/12/2015 01:15

the past history of violence would be a difficult issue to bridge.

ShadowsCollideIsSurroundedByAd · 16/12/2015 01:27

'The OP says she loves this man. that's it for me. stick with him' Undercrackers are you for real? He's a violent racist, but hey, the OP loves him, so stand by your man, eh? Perhaps the OP can go and watch the next time he beats up someone due to their race. Ah, romance.

Also, substitute flares or tattoos for racist? Now I know you're on the wind up. Oh, wait. I have tattoos and have also worn flares as a teenager. Yup, I'm exactly the same as a violent racist who is high profile in a racist organisation.

Your comments to Thumb were seriously shitty and rude, by the way. Though I imagine that was your intention.

UnderCrackers5 · 16/12/2015 01:28

lorelie9
yes the violence does worry me.
but I would like to know the facts, perspective can be a wonderful educator

most of the violence I have seen recently come from knee jerks on this site

BlueJug · 16/12/2015 01:42

There is the practical point - does OP want to live with said violent racist/whatever - and what might consequences be for her.

And there are the moral dilemmas: should all evil racists etc be "banished" from one's life on principle.

There is the "social conscience/personal benefit" question too: Would you turn a blind eye if he made you happy.

We can debate these hypothetically but MN tends towards the personal. We'd like to know how our OP feels and how old she is and whether she has kids. What race are both these people?

As I have said I suspect OP not coming back. Probably time to go to bed>

nooka · 16/12/2015 01:46

The OP has already stated the facts that she has discovered:

he is racist
he is high profile in a racist organisation
he has committed violent racist acts
he treats others of a different race in complete contrast to the way he treats you and makes you feel

What other perspective is needed?

You think that there might be some sort of justification for his racism? for being an active member of a racist organisation? for previous violent racist acts?

This is an adult we are talking about presumably, not a child soldier who may have been brainwashed into doing terrible things.

Glastokitty · 16/12/2015 01:51

Says it all for me.

ShadowsCollideIsSurroundedByAd · 16/12/2015 01:53

'most of the violence I have seen recently come from knee jerks on this site'. I'd love to know more about the violence you've experienced on MN. Did a little hand come shooting out of your phone and punch you, à la the classic 1993 film Leprechaun starring Jennifer Aniston? Or are you just being ridiculous?

BlueJug · 16/12/2015 02:06

nooka _ I think we might be beginning to suspect that these "facts" are not all they seem. A set up of sorts. Hence Undercracker's point.

Hypothetical chap could be Richard the Lionheart or Adolf Hitler or Nelson Mandela or George Bush- it is all about the definition - and the "facts" that are made to fit.

She could be getting us to knee-jerk react - assume a National Front/Far right white racist bully and then say "but aha! he is a Muslim activist living in the UK"

If it is a real woman with a real relationship problem I suspect she would have been back by now to respond to posters. But she hasn't

Atenco · 16/12/2015 02:39

BlueJug, really Nelson Mandela? Surely Nelson Mandela, who had every reason to be filled with hatred, showed himself to be anything but racist?

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