Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

This man- what happens?

167 replies

CreepingDogFart · 15/12/2015 23:04

This is hypothetical:

You're single.
You meet a lovely charming man.
He is kind to you, attractive to you and a real gent.
No one has been so kind.
He helps you when you need it.
He gets on with your friends.
He treats you.
The conversation is stimulating.
He defends you.
He is a nice person to you and you feel special.
You spend time together and over time are in a relationship.
You find out off someone else that he is racist.
You've seen no evidence of this before and no conversations have led down this road.
You investigate either by speaking directly to him or by other means and discover that not only is he racist but he is high profile in a racist organisation.
You discover he has committed violent racist acts and treats others of a different race in complete contrast to the way he treats you and makes you feel.

You love him.
He is racist.
What would you do?

Please note that I have not referenced any specific race here.

OP posts:
Playnicelyforfiveminutes · 15/12/2015 23:26

I'd find out for myself. And only drop him if he was definitely unkind, rather than uninformed.
My grandma asked a girl if she named her baby sienna because she was brown. (Burnt sienna was a crayon when she was a child)
And she still uses nigger in the woodpile. But she isn't at all unkind

weeonion · 15/12/2015 23:30

Drop him like the proverbial hot potato.

ShadowsCollideIsSurroundedByAd · 15/12/2015 23:31

Uninformed, Playnicely, really? Yeah, he probably accidentally committed 'violent racist acts', and thought he was joining a gym when he accidentally became 'high profile in a racist organisation'. Meh. Happens to the best of us.

AnthonyPandy · 15/12/2015 23:32

Even if he was 'just' racist I would leave.

But this person is high profile in an organisation and violent.

So that's that really.

ThatsNiceDear · 15/12/2015 23:33

Run. Someone being nice to you when it suits them is not the same as someone being a nice person. This man is a very bad person.

bunique · 15/12/2015 23:34

He would have to be some kind of simpleton to be so "uninformed" which is reason enough to LTB.

Kintan · 15/12/2015 23:34

Racist or not, the violent acts by themselves should be making you run for the hills!

Illyillyilly · 15/12/2015 23:36

Fuck that. Who could be with someone like that?!

GuiltyPleasure · 15/12/2015 23:37

If he's that high up in his organisation then his views are intrinsic & unless you share them you need to run a mile & he's violent with it..

Unreasonablebetty · 15/12/2015 23:38

i would seriously judge a man who was racist on the fact that he can judge /discount a person based on their skin colour and no other data.

The man who I knew was a racist, adamantly said he was not a racist but in the event we were to have a baby that my friends wouldn't be around the child, and my friends were not welcome at his house... Not that I'd ever invited them or anything!!
This was because some of my friends were black.
That day I packed my bags and realised there was something very seriously amiss!

We kind of kept in touch, still adamantly saying he wasn't a racist tho he deffo was,

He was a narcissist. Truly truly narcissistic person.

BlueJug · 15/12/2015 23:39

Playnicelyforfiveminutes- that's the sort of thing I mean about definitions of racism. My 80 year old aunt uses the word "coloured" and refers to her friends as "My Indian friends"

Yet this woman has given up most of her life to helping others, she treats everyone with equal care and respect, is selfless and generous and does more for her (very mixed) community than almost anyone else I know. Not racist.

This guy sounds as if he is involved in the politics of hate though. I'd leave for that alone - irrespective of which group he hated.

Playnicelyforfiveminutes · 15/12/2015 23:40

Opps I didn't scroll all the way down!! What sort of a question is that FFS?!? It's hardly going to divide opinion!

VestalVirgin · 15/12/2015 23:45

In case you need other reasons than "he's a racist": Racists tend to be misogynists as well. They often want to "outbreed" the race(s) they hate, so a male racist might see a woman he claims to love mainly as womb on legs.

Playnicelyforfiveminutes · 15/12/2015 23:45

Agree with you bluejug. The difference is in the intention. We can all slip up with labels.
My eldest, 9, came home in tears because he'd said to a friend that he wouldn't be well camouflaged in Antarctica because he was black, (we had been watching hunt) the boy didnt seem hurt but the rest of the class piled in on him and two boys hit him. The teacher was brand new and when I rang up about his bruises she said it was in response to his racist language ! As if that made it ok

BlueJug · 15/12/2015 23:46

The message is pretty clear OP. This is not a nice man - even though he is lovely to you, (or whoever the hypothetical woman is).

The racism is a bit of a red herring. Doesn't mean I am discounting it - I am not - what is important is he is violent, dangerous and full of hate. Most people like this have people whom they love and are nice to. Of course they can be witty, charismatic, clever, charming, thoughtful, sweet, generous etc etc. (Look at all the classic examples starting with Hitler)

RumAppleGinger · 15/12/2015 23:47

I would leave. I'd rather be lonely than fucking a violent racist.

In this scenario you didn't know who he was, someone bought it to your attention. What happens next time someone approaches you and says "did you know he's a high profile scumbag?" Are you going to say yes? Do you understand how this will reflect on you? Do you understand people will assume you share similar views?

AbbyCadabra · 15/12/2015 23:48

I'd wonder why he never mentioned any of his views before. If it's because he thinks/knows you won't approve then he's a liar on top of everything else.
Get rid. He's vermin.

Owllady · 15/12/2015 23:48

Anyfucker, v funny!

I'd run. Fast as you can.
Don't
Look
Back

ThatsNiceDear · 15/12/2015 23:52

Racists tend to be misogynists as well

I agree - they see people for what they are, not who they are, and assign a value to that; white men at the top, women, people from different ethnic backgrounds, and gay people are all further down the scale of who matters and who should be treated as a real person.

BlueJug · 15/12/2015 23:53

Oh, that's terrible Playnicely - poor lad. But you might find yourself being accused of racism if you challenged that. I think it is sad that people have lost sight of the hatred and the bad treatment of others, ( as you said - intent) - and jumped on language and symbols which change all the time.

In this case OP sounds as if she would be well-advise to steer clear although it will be hard of she has genuinely found someone that makes her happy most of the time as that s not easy to give up. The reality of another Saturday night on your own, no sex for the forseeable future, no tenderness, no-one to share Christmas or your birthday with etc etc - that is a different thing.

BlueJug · 15/12/2015 23:56

But, just to be clear - from what OP has said he is a violent racist, (although we do not know that he is white - he could be any race or colour), and as such is not someone I would want to know.

lorelei9 · 15/12/2015 23:57

he's a racist AND he's violent?

Surely the only person who stays with someone like that is another violent racist?

Run. Far, far away. And you don't "love" him really do you - you have some illusion going on that you don't wish to lose now you've made this discovery.

if you really do love him, completely and wholeheartedly, then you are probably a racist who hasn't had a chance to commit violence yet?!

SelfLoathing · 15/12/2015 23:57

Step 1: Ask him about it. Check the information "found out" is actually true and whether all true or partially true. If not true, no problem. If true:
Step 2: Find out why he never mentioned or even referenced it (even before we get on the violent acts) if he is "high profile" in a racist organisation, that usually takes work and time. How come this was never notice or mentioned? Was he deliberately hiding it? Big problem with dishonesty. What else is he hiding?
Step 3: Is the "violent" bit true? If true, then you need to be out the door as violence is criminal and you don't want a future with someone who could be in the slammer next Tuesday.
Step 4: If the violence isn't true but the racism is (and assuming you've got past the concealment/non-disclosure/lying - where ever it is on the scale), are you racist too? Do your views coincide with his? Even partially? If so, no problem; you can be racist together.
If not, then it depends how you feel about it? Can you live with it? (Plenty of people are slightly tribal (prefer to be with their own "type") which is a form of racism depending where you are on the scale). If not, then dumpsville beckons.

As a hypothetical scenario, it is highly implausible to be honest. It's not racism is it?

lorelei9 · 15/12/2015 23:58

ThatsNiceDear - don't know why you are assuming the hypothetical person under discussion is white?

pieceofpurplesky · 16/12/2015 00:00

But you didn't fall in love with the real man - you fell in love with a lie. He has no respect for you or whoever hypothetical is

Swipe left for the next trending thread