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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

This man- what happens?

167 replies

CreepingDogFart · 15/12/2015 23:04

This is hypothetical:

You're single.
You meet a lovely charming man.
He is kind to you, attractive to you and a real gent.
No one has been so kind.
He helps you when you need it.
He gets on with your friends.
He treats you.
The conversation is stimulating.
He defends you.
He is a nice person to you and you feel special.
You spend time together and over time are in a relationship.
You find out off someone else that he is racist.
You've seen no evidence of this before and no conversations have led down this road.
You investigate either by speaking directly to him or by other means and discover that not only is he racist but he is high profile in a racist organisation.
You discover he has committed violent racist acts and treats others of a different race in complete contrast to the way he treats you and makes you feel.

You love him.
He is racist.
What would you do?

Please note that I have not referenced any specific race here.

OP posts:
BlueJug · 16/12/2015 00:01

Self - sensible advice.

So OP - what's the story?
Is the woman you? What races are we talking about? Is this true?

Theydontknowweknowtheyknow · 16/12/2015 00:02

I would pretend to him that I had previously been married to a person of said despised race and then he will leave you.

JarethTheGoblinKing · 16/12/2015 00:05

Honestly? Slap him, so he's an intolerant, judgmental wanker, kick his arse out, then block all methods of communication. Fucking twat. If he's so nice and compassionate with you, wtf is wrong with his tiny tiny brain that he's such a racist arsehole, and that he's so happy to admit to that? That means he thinks he's right, and he thinks you'll agree with him.

decisionsdecisions123 · 16/12/2015 00:07

hypothetical? really?

VestalVirgin · 16/12/2015 00:09

ThatsNiceDear - don't know why you are assuming the hypothetical person under discussion is white?

Because most racists are? (note that I'm using the European definition of white.)

There probably are racists everywhere on the world, but in Europe they tend to be white, because non-white people would be pretty damn stupid to attack white people; they'd be outnumbered.

Playnicelyforfiveminutes · 16/12/2015 00:09

I think the more pertinent issue is that he is violent. Nobody can have a meaningful, trusting relationship with a man who gets kicks from hurting people.
Sorry you got in so far before you found out. It looks like you're trying to find a reason to give Him a Chance to change, but I think deep down you know already its a lost cause. (Assuming it is you course!)

ToddlerTantrums · 16/12/2015 00:10

I don't understand why someone would stay with a person like that. Racism is sheer stupidity and has no place in the 21st century (or ever!)
Tell him he's an asshole and cut contact

UnderCrackers5 · 16/12/2015 00:14

Who get off fantasising about being held down and molested by a tree hugging vegetarian beardy social worker ?

give me a fantasy about a jack booted leather clad fascist any day

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 16/12/2015 00:18

Because you've included the fact that he committed violent racist acts, I would walk away. I couldn't be with someone like that. In fact, I was immediately put off one potential boyfriend because he told me he, his brother and father had gone to their sister's husband and beaten him up for mistreating their sister - I like that they protected their sister, but not how they did it. I didn't see him again.

If he hadn't committed violent racist acts, I might consider trying to reason with him first, find out why he felt so strongly that people of other races were somehow "lesser" and see if there was any hope of redemption; but if he persisted in his beliefs then I would walk away.

As it happens, my DH has a tendency to ignorant casual racism - but he's not a hater, and he wouldn't join any hatred organisation, or do anything to hurt anyone of another race, emotionally or physically. I make him attempt to justify his crap comments when he comes out with them, which of course he can't, then destroy his arguments with logic. At some point it would be nice if he "got it" to save having the "discussions" time and again, but while his mother and he have their little anti-immigrant rants together at the news, it makes it hard. I like to point out to them both that I am an immigrant, and so was his father (so MIL's DH) - that shuts them up!

I suppose I should walk away - and if I'd known this was what he was like before we were married and had DC I probably would have - but it's a lot harder now (especially being an immigrant!), I just don't allow his nonsense any airspace.

SelfLoathing · 16/12/2015 00:23

don't know why you are assuming the hypothetical person under discussion is white?
Because most racists are?

Of all the garbage I've read on the internet, this takes the biscuit.

Most racists are white???

Really?

Have you even seen the news recently? Do you think maybe ISIS are racist? Al qaeda? New Black Panthers? Nation of Islam? Have you spent any time in the Southern USA where there are plenty of black americans who are unbelievably racist and anti-white as a violent backlash to slavery?

SelfLoathing · 16/12/2015 00:24

Bigotry is everywhere and is colour blind.

UnderCrackers5 · 16/12/2015 00:24

Thumbwitches
I don't suppose it ever entered your tiny mind that he might feel the same way about you

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 16/12/2015 00:25

WTAF is that supposed to mean, Undercrackers? Hmm

CainInThePunting · 16/12/2015 00:26

High profile in a racist organisation and has committed violent acts. Are we talking about Nick Griffin?

Run a mile, without doubt.

UnderCrackers5 · 16/12/2015 00:27

That your DP would have walked away if he had known what you are really like.
as you might have

BestZebbie · 16/12/2015 00:29

Dump him, for the two reasons of violence and hatred. Make sure you are clear about this being the only reasons.

If he remains confused about your reasons, Lily Allen has an excellent song to help him:

MidniteScribbler · 16/12/2015 00:31

Dealbreaker.

BlueJug · 16/12/2015 00:33

UnderCrackers5 - uncalled for. Also ThumbWitchesAbroad explained what she meant. Her DH is not racist.

The difference between casual thoughtless remarks which when dissected are discredited and the sort of thing we are talking about re OP thread is chalk and cheese.

Also glad someone else commented on the "Most racists are white" comment - nothing if not racist itself. (All blacks/whites/'s - insert race are...........) Really?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 16/12/2015 00:35

And what am I "really like" then, Undercrackers? Do tell.

LineyReborn · 16/12/2015 00:37

Thumb just ignore it.

UnderCrackers5 · 16/12/2015 00:37

BluJug
don't talk nonsense

she said he was an ignorant casual racist.

my point is that she has discovered this over time and now she would not have made the same commitment

maybe he feels the same about other discoveries he has made

UnderCrackers5 · 16/12/2015 00:44

Thumbwitch
I have absolutely no idea what reasons your partner may or may not have to regret ever getting with you.

But YOU obviously have reasons for regretting ever getting with him

what did he say when you told him ?

APlaceOnTheCouch · 16/12/2015 00:45

Hypothetically you would LTB because he is racist and I would hope those views are abhorrent to you, because he is racist and tbh that would make me question his capacity for reasoned thinking, because he is racist and you wouldn't want to bring DCs into that environment (putting them at risk of growing up around those views or/and being at risk of reprisals because of their DF's attitude) . . . then there is the violence which means I would leave because he is violent and that is who he is. Someone who reacts with violence can only pretend differently for a short time.

BlueJug · 16/12/2015 00:51

UnderCrackers5 She said he has a tendency towards ignorant casual racism - by which she meant, (I think), thoughtless, uninformed remarks. Not the same thing as being a racist. Anyway - not the point - and personal. More enlightening to discuss the issues.

Suspect OP is not coming back as it is now after midnight.

The question of how far you put personal happiness and someone's behaviour in their private life above their public life is interesting. Not just racists but criminals, people in "unsavoury" occupations or things that you don't approve of.

The "wife" who knows her husband is a bastard of a boss and exploits his staff - but it buys her a five bedroomed house... The "husband" who knows his wife is making her bonus out of other people's gullibility but likes the lifestyle. The landlord who is not very nice to his tenants, and the tenants who steal from their landlords, the partner who knows her boyfriend is not declaring all his income, the boyfriend who lives off his girlfriend's single parent allowance.....- There are quite a few blind eyes being turned. That in itself is a question worth discussing.

CainInThePunting · 16/12/2015 00:52

Undercrackers

Thumb's husband's opinion of her is none of your business and irrelevant to the question posed by the OP.

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