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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Where do you stand on this one...

419 replies

Marilynsbigsister · 15/12/2015 17:13

I'm not going to NC but will be slightly oblique about circumstances as quite identifying . Two very young 20 yr olds in a relationship. Been together 3 months. Male at Uni but lives at home, female working also living at home. The boy has mentioned to his parents (actually his mum mostly) that cracks are starting to appear because she is keen to move on to the next level and is putting the pressure on to get a flat together and 'settle down'. Boy has told her 'definitely not at the moment' his plans include post graduate study abroad for a couple of years . Anyway, the dilemma.. 2 days after the 'settle down' conversation, there was a contraception failure. Condom split, (apparently it was not just a small tear but from top all way to base. ) Boy has been taught from early on that he must be responsible for his own fertility and insisted on condoms as he is adamant he doesn't want children yet although gf is on the pill. Boy is now beside himself with worry, he begged his gf to go with him to get morning after pill. Gf reaction has been to refuse saying that if she gets pregnant against all these odds then it is meant to be . Boy is the sort to do the right thing. Would give up career goals of he had children to support. I know all the ins and outs because mum is close relative. Mum believes gf is manipulating her son into parenthood because this happened literally a couple of days after discussing settling down. What is the right thing to do if she is pregnant. ? Does he give up his plans and support a child he does not wish to have, took precautions to avoid and made his feelings very clear BEFORE conception. Or does he suck it up, leave Uni and get a job to support the child and learn never again have sex with someone he doesn't want to have a child with. ? For my part I have met the gf a few times so not enough to form an opinion except that she is much more mature than her boyfriend. (My relative is livid and truly believes she 'doctored the condoms - which would be impossible - she is too angry to be logical !)
BTW she was due AF on Monday. Apparently there are pts that are accurate to a few days late so all a bit tense in female relatives household at the moment.

OP posts:
whatever22 · 16/12/2015 00:26

This is the weirdest thread. Can't believe how many people seem to think that taking the morning after pill on top of the pill is normal or sensible. Bit like the boys at school when I was 14 talking about wearing multiple condoms on top of each other to be 'extra safe'. Just ludicrous.

VestalVirgin · 16/12/2015 00:32

I didn't know that there were people who thought the MAP was an abortion pill! How has that misconception come about? (bad pun, sorry

Probably a rumour spread by anti-choicers. I saw a comic on Scarleteen that explained why the morning after pill is not an abortion pill and how it works, so I assume there are some misinterpretions floating around.

Many people probably think that conception happens during sex, so it makes sense the uninformed would think the MAP induces an abortion.

How do you account for her weeping and wailing and refusing to leave her boyfriend's parents house after being rejected, if she's not a pathologically needy nutjob?

Being needy and overly emotional isn't the same as being a "nutjob".

This is apparently a woman who has some issues and should not have children anytime soon, and I wonder how he didn't notice that before the condom broke - or more precisely, why he chose to have sex with her after he noticed that she was expecting way more out of the relationship way faster than he.

My usual modus operandi when I notice that a man becomes too attached to me is to disengage as to not send the wrong signals.

DianaTrent · 16/12/2015 00:32

Well, yes, we've all known people like that and they can be terribly exhausting, but I hardly think that 'only' taking the pill can be called refusing to try to prevent the possibility of pregnancy, or that a dramatic overreaction to a dumping you didn't see coming quite deserves being called a 'pathetically needy nutjob' or a bunny boiler. They're clearly better off apart but I think people are being quite disproportionately mean.

hefzi · 16/12/2015 00:34

Thumb several posters on this thread seem to be labouring under that misconception - despite being educated on it by other posters!

And whatever - I don't think it's either abnormal or not sensible, if you want to minimise the risk as far as possible: I have been taking the pill since I was 17, but have still taken the MAP a couple of times following condom breakages - yes, belt and braces. But better than the alternative, surely, if that is an unwanted and unplanned for child?

AyeAmarok · 16/12/2015 00:38

but it is just possible she is one of those intense people who take things far too seriously far too soon

It's also just possible that the wonderful can-do-no-wrong young man is lying, had been telling the girl that he was very serious about her, decided he wouldn't bother with a condom because it feels better, then panicked afterwards and spilled a load of shit about the girl to his mum and aunt. Who swallowed it hook, line and sinker.

It's all just very convenient, isn't it. It's always the intelligent naive men who did literally everything they could to stop a pregnancy that get caught out by these women.

reni2 · 16/12/2015 00:39

Is the girl home yet?

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 16/12/2015 00:40

It would be interesting to observe bunny boiler's family. I wonder if her parents married due to an out of wedlock pregnancy. Perhaps it's the family's modus operandi

Oh fgs. What nonsense.

The girl is upset because she has been dumped with no warning.

kali110 · 16/12/2015 00:53

whatever aye you can take the pill correctly but still need the map, other medications can affect it, or
Maybe some people just take it as a precaution if a condom breaks like in this case.
The pill is not 100% reliable, there is always a small chance of it failing.

aye why can you not believe the op here and that it has to be others twisting it to make the girl seem bad?
There are a few women who do try to trap their bfs.
It doesn't look like the bf is going to carry on having sex with the gf is he?
Maybe he had the thought that she weren't taking the pill properly when she started wanting them to live together and they had this accident?
Possibly before this happened when they were having sex he had no reason to distrust her.

kali110 · 16/12/2015 00:55

Yes it's horrendous to be dumped when you feel there has been no warning, modt have us have been there, but you can't sit in a persons house and refuse to leave

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 16/12/2015 01:19

He didn't handle the break up all that well, did he? A simple "Well, I'm sure that's a relief to both of us. But it's made me rethink our relationship and I've decided that it isn't working for me. We want different things and I wish you well" may have gotten a better different reaction than calling someone a 'fruitcake' and telling them to 'fuck off out of his life'!

'Boiler' or no, it was rude and uncalled-for. If he had handled it a bit more maturely, it probably wouldn't have ended up with her hysterical on the floor.

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 16/12/2015 04:16

Can't read any more of this thread, disgusting views- men should be able to have sex without consequence? No way, the consequence is always that there is a possibility of pregnancy, contraception or not, and regardless of hopes and intentions. People flapping about an evil girl trying to trap a good boy... He had sex, he deals with the consequences, which include the fact that once the sperm's in her body, it's still her body and therefore her choice what happens to it.

Can't believe how inconsistent mumsnet is. Post a few days ago where a dh thought a vb would be preferable to an elcs and the respondents were unanimous with"her body, her choice" - why is this situation any different?

Senpai · 16/12/2015 05:10

Wow. So two consenting adults who understand what sex is and what it can lead to, have a pregnancy scare, and he tells her to fuck out of his life because she didn't take a MA pill that would put her in a substantial amount of pain. Charming.

Sounds like she dodge a bullet.

Poor girl has a pregnancy scare, then the boyfriend who she thinks she's on good terms with dumps her like that! The poor girl is emotionally shook up and upset, that's why she's sitting there desperately trying to get him back. She's obviously not thinking rationally.

Your DN sounds vile. If he knew he didn't want to further the relationship, he should have dumped her respectfully and moved on instead of using her for sex.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 16/12/2015 05:46

Where are you getting that the MAP would put her in a "substantial amount of pain"?? I've taken it a couple of times and it's been completely unnoticeable!

MrRobot · 16/12/2015 06:02

I love how the boy in this situation is a bastard and the girl can do no wrong, never change Mumsnet.

She sounds absolutely batshit like I said earlier and I doubt she has been taking the pill, I'd be calling her worse than a fruitcake.

Devilishpyjamas · 16/12/2015 06:33

Maybe gf is refusing to take the MAP because she knows she is taking the contraceptive pill reliably. I'd refuse in those circumstances as well.

The son sounds as if he is panicking & his mother seems to be dramatising it. They need to wait & see whether a pregnancy actually matetialises before continuing with the 'what ifs'

Devilishpyjamas · 16/12/2015 06:37

Oh I missed all the updates.

To me they both sound young & immature. I'm not sure the boy is quite the wonderful blameless knight in shining armour that he's being portrayed as, just as I'm not sure the girl is quite as needy or fruitcake or out to trap him as she's being portrayed.

DixieNormas · 16/12/2015 06:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Devilishpyjamas · 16/12/2015 06:45

No, it's not because she isn't pregnant when there was a tiny possibility, it's because she refused to try to prevent it becoming a possibility and wanted to push things along far too fast for the other person involved

Not how I see it at all. She was taking the pill to stop getting pregnant. This is one of the most reliable forms of contraception available. He then added condoms (nowhere near as reliable, but wise to prevent STD's). The condom then broke (not surprising, that happens) but as she was on the pill there was no reason other than his distrust of her & her mother's over dramatisation to think there was a pregnancy. We had a condom break when I was 21 & living abroad & on the pill & it didn't occur to either of us that pregnancy might be a huge risk as I was on the pill! Of DH had started banging on about the MAP I would have told him to stop panicking & refused to take it. Not because I was desperate to trap him, but because I would have thought it very unlikely. I might even have said 'well if it gets through all that, it's meant to be', not out of any raging desire to be pregnant but because I would have thought it highly unlikely!

Devilishpyjamas · 16/12/2015 06:46

His mother's

TheFear · 16/12/2015 06:48

What a fuss over nothing. The odds of her being pregnant, as she is on the pill, are pretty much zero.

TheFear · 16/12/2015 06:49

Has she been taking the pill reliably? If so, no egg to fertilise so no issue.

Devilishpyjamas · 16/12/2015 06:52

He wasted no time in telling her she was a manipulative fruitcake and wanted her to 'fuck off out of his life'..

Well he sounds a charmer.

Devilishpyjamas · 16/12/2015 06:56

if she knew she was taking the pill reliable then she wouldn't be thinking she is pg even though a test said she wasn't

Or she's upset having just been unexpectedly dumped & is trying to buy some time with her charming (now) ex. I'm sure she'll learn a lot from this.

I honestly think the young man's mother should stay out of all the drama in future. It doesn't sound as if her panicking has helped at all.

PrincessMouse · 16/12/2015 06:56

Just read your update Op. I was trying to reserve judgment on both of them. I didn't want to say he was a dick because from what you said he was raised to take responsibility should she be pregnant and I didn't want to automatically assume she was trying to trap / manipulate him into some sort of commitment.

Regardless of circumstances, I agree that anyone that's just been dumped that refuses to leave the house sounds bat shit crazy IMO. Furthermore to insist you are still pregnant as a way of trying to stop someone dumping you is manipulative. It's shit to be dumped but seriously, why would anyone want to stay with someone that has made it clear they don't want the same level of commitment never mind a relationship. Someone that was clearly only staying in the relationship because they thought you may be pregnant. She needs to pull herself together, hold her head up and leave with some dignity. I suspect this guy will be getting hounded by text/calls from her for a while.

I have to say I am now swayed towards thinking she knew he wasn't all that into her and and probably expected to be dumped following the moving in together conversation so she tried to manipulate him.

Snoopadoop · 16/12/2015 06:57

In my opinion he should proceed with whatever career plans he had. His degree will give him higher earning potential in the future, but he will have to support the child (if there is one) and therefore part time, night time jobs may have to feature as well as study. Ultimately he needs to end the relationship they are on completely different pages and staying with her out of a feeling of necessity and responsibility will not work out in the long run for any of them.

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