Where do you stand on this one...

[Marilynsbigsister]

I'm not going to NC but will be slightly oblique about circumstances as quite identifying . Two very young 20 yr olds in a relationship. Been together 3 months. Male at Uni but lives at home, female working also living at home. The boy has mentioned to his parents (actually his mum mostly) that cracks are starting to appear because she is keen to move on to the next level and is putting the pressure on to get a flat together and 'settle down'. Boy has told her 'definitely not at the moment' his plans include post graduate study abroad for a couple of years . Anyway, the dilemma.. 2 days after the 'settle down' conversation, there was a contraception failure. Condom split, (apparently it was not just a small tear but from top all way to base. ) Boy has been taught from early on that he must be responsible for his own fertility and insisted on condoms as he is adamant he doesn't want children yet although gf is on the pill. Boy is now beside himself with worry, he begged his gf to go with him to get morning after pill. Gf reaction has been to refuse saying that if she gets pregnant against all these odds then it is meant to be . Boy is the sort to do the right thing. Would give up career goals of he had children to support. I know all the ins and outs because mum is close relative. Mum believes gf is manipulating her son into parenthood because this happened literally a couple of days after discussing settling down. What is the right thing to do if she is pregnant. ? Does he give up his plans and support a child he does not wish to have, took precautions to avoid and made his feelings very clear BEFORE conception. Or does he suck it up, leave Uni and get a job to support the child and learn never again have sex with someone he doesn't want to have a child with. ? For my part I have met the gf a few times so not enough to form an opinion except that she is much more mature than her boyfriend. (My relative is livid and truly believes she 'doctored the condoms - which would be impossible - she is too angry to be logical !)
BTW she was due AF on Monday. Apparently there are pts that are accurate to a few days late so all a bit tense in female relatives household at the moment.

Should have RTFT!

This has moved on quickly. Sounds like something out of Jeremy Kyle.

Snoop POS came back negative and his dumped her

Goodness, I think everyone except the lad and his gf need to take a very large step back from this situation, particularly the mother who, I'm sorry but sounds rather overbearing!

If she's on the pill, it's extremely unlikely for a start. It also sounds as though this young lady has stopped to ponder the fact that sex could lead to a baby before diving in and has considered the implications of that. The son, perhaps not so much, as suggested by his freaking out?

I think if a baby comes from this situation then your friend would be a fool to continue with this pattern of thinking that the gf is somehow 'controlling' her son. It'll destroy the relationship and any chance her grandchild has of an unbroken home. She's also in the process of damaging any relationship she may have with a potential DIL and by extension, her grandchild. Silly move.

And to those saying she's a nutter for wanting to settle down - really? When I met and fell head over heels with my now DH at a similar age I felt the same (I had to wait a while of course). I'm not a nutter!

Snoop

I'm with AyeAmarok, RudeElf & TheFear.

Think they both have a lot of growing up to do. Not sure that telling nephew there are lots of evil women out there desperate to trap him will do much to aid him in growing up, but I guess 'fruitcake' has learned men will happily shag you one day, dump you the next & not believe you if you say you're on the pill.

If my sons are still living at home in their twenties I will not be getting involved in any pregnancy scares. If asked, will tell them the options (to ensure they know them) & tell them to discuss those options with their girlfriend. None of my beeswax.

I am aghast at the internalised misogyny on this thread, fuck me it's like feminism never happened...

Each party is responsible for their own choices.

He was responsible for having sex and the potential for contraception failure leading to pregnancy when he didn't want to be a father.

She was responsible for having sex and the potential for contraceptive failure (or, an active choice to risk pregnancy) despite knowing that the man she was having sex with was unable to financially support a child.

Whether she is pregnant or not (I assume not), she made the choice to have sex with a man who not only had told her that she wasn't ready to settle down, but had made his plans to study and travel very clear.

If my sons are still living at home in their twenties I will not be getting involved in any pregnancy scares.

Even if one of their girlfriends is sat sobbing on your hall floor refusing to leave?

What's wrong with him speaking to his mum or parents? Surely as parents we all hope to have the sort of relationship with our DC (male or female) that enables them to feel comfortable enough to come to us if they need to?

I would hate to think that my DD wasn't coming to me about something because she felt I wouldn't be there, understand or support her if she was really stressed, upset or distraught about something/anything.

There is a difference between supporting and interfering. I think what he did was ask for advise and support from his parents. Nothing wrong with that. I hope the girl has a similar relationship with her parents. Although from the update it doesn't look like she does. Maybe she feels her parents "wouldn't want to get involved in any pregnancy scares".

LeaLeander I do have contempt for most mothers on welfare, and never hide it. It's 99 percent of the time the result of abysmal life choices, and very seldom the result of actual misfortune such as being stricken with a serious illness.

And I also have utter contempt for women who would trap a man into fatherhood with the sanctimonious "You should have thought! Every sex act could result in a child!" claptrap. Bet they weren't trumpeting that philosophy in the heat of the moment.

All those words to basically say how much you despise women.

OP if she did leave, and states tomorrow she is pregnant. Then her your Dsis to get her to come and visit to talk about it, don't give her a heads up, but when she gets there give her a digital test so you can work out how pregnant she is so you can talk about the future. But draw a picture with a sharpie/ write a word in different colours etc on the test. So she can't come prepared with a eBay bought stick, preggers mates urine. Then you'll know. If she can't pee just wait until she can.
Failing that, pay for an early 7 week scan. Unfortunately I've seen people take pretend pregnancies to term when they've "lost" the baby. Going to appointments, leaving BF in car for no parking etc and printing notes/scans from the internet.

If she is genuinely pregnant then DN has to work out if he does want a relationship genuinely, or if not accept that he will not be in a relationship but will have a child to support and be involved in.

What i don't understand is why OP was summonsed in the midst of it all is that what people do when their adult children end relationships? Call the extended famy round to bring popcorn and watch?

Theres also something not sitting quite right about how he presented this initially. Cant quite put my finger on it.

He was scared and realised his GF was Making plans he wasn't happy with. So he talked to his mum. I did that when I was troubled right up until we lost her.

Failing that, pay for an early 7 week scan.

fucking hell. Pregnant women really do become other people's property to do with as they like! The inside of another woman's uterus is fuck all to do with anyone else. You dont get to just order a scan!

Ok everyone I have an update. I think the first thing I need to make very clear is how uninvolved my dsis has been in all this. DN is far from a mummys boy, in fact it was the fact that he spoke to her about how uncomfortable he was with the conversation he had had with his GF . (she had suggested she leave her job here aand move to the town he goes to uni in, and get a job and flat together there.) Anyway, throughout all these fraught few days his mum has not been involved at all. He told her about the pregnancy scare and her decision with her dh was to leave them to sort it out between them and not get involved. Instead, because she is like any normal mum, and wants the best for her child, she has used me as a confidante and I in turn have shared anonymously with MN as a sounding board.
So last night I left the house with the now ex gf refusing to go. What I have only just realized is that before taking up residence in the hall, she had locked herself in the bathroom, to do the test on her own and wouldn't answer DN as to wether it was positive or negative. Dsis didn't know any of this as she was at work and gf was in hallway when she arrived home. She was in the bathroom for over an hour and came out eventually saying she thought she could see a thin line . Then refused to show test to DN. There were two tests, so DN wanted her to do it again but she refused. After what dsis presumes must have been a lot of shouting another test was done and it was negative. This was the cue for the 'manipulative fruitcake' line. So the long and short of it is that nothing has been resolved, She is still maintaining she could be pg because she 'had had been sick a few times and the pill may not have been working' last night was the first time this had been mentioned. Anyway eventually dbil had enough of the drama and told her that she should go home and have a rest and calm down and discuss it again tomorrow. When the taxi arrived she went without further ado. DN has made it very clear, baby or no baby there is no further relationship. If she does turn out to be pg then he will pay maintenance but will NOT be continuing his studies and going overseas for the planned 2.yrs so any decision about continuing with any pregnancy will have to be made with this in mind. Also as he is on a student loan and possible post grad research grant, not to expect large maintenance payments. It's all very unpleasant and upsetting. I made repeated a suggestion made on here earlier, that the only sure fire way for a man to have sex a d be in control of his own fertility, was to bank his sperm and have a vasectomy.. He said he is seriously considering this option especially as vasectomy can be reversed. How sad .

If she isn't pregnant now, she soon will be.

He needs to run. It sounds like the girl is hoping that having a baby will clip his wings, and keep him from achieving his ambitions and leaving town to travel and study. Run boy, run!

And if that pregnancy test is negative, don't sleep with her again under any circumstances!

That should read :.NOT be Discontinuing his studies and WILL be going overseas..

Dear God, what a horrible thread.
Sadly, until quite recently medicine for women was only about control of our fertility (in fact most of society as far as it applied to women was about
control of fertility).
Now we have a generation of young
men who are stuck between the
chauvinistic ideals of every previous
generation of men and the reality of
the situation that until some invents reliable reversable male contraception they have the same
level of control of their fertility as
their great granmothers - ie don't have sex if you don't want a baby.
I don't envy them.
As far as the OP's situation goes - she quite clearly stated her case, he wasn't into it but he had sex with her anyway. I think you could call that an
unforced error.

This was said earlier upthread:

This 'naice boy' sounds like a pathetic, nasty dickhead who treats his girlfriend like shit and is using her for sex. I hope this girl is not pregnant and she never needs to have anything to do with your nephew again, for her sake.

I firmly agree. Girl wants to get serious. Boy freaks out, but still continues to fuck her, because, you know, man has needs. They have a pregnancy scare. He decides "Fuck this, I'm out of here, but I'll be a naice boy and support the baby, so you gotta be happy with that, right?". Test comes back negative, girl is still scared that she might be pregnant. On top of that, boyfriend immediately dumps her because she's "manipulative". Girl, feeling emotionally vulnerable and alone, begs him to reconsider. Everybody on the boyfriend's side of the family decides (from the get-go) that she's a psycho nutbag trying to entrap him.

You all sound fucking charming.

Op. Where is her family in all this? Has she spoken to them it is she relying solely on your DN and family?

It not it

Or not it

I don't think he did anything wrong by consensually having sex with her. She wanted to very quickly progress their relationship. He wanted to stay where they were and take things slowly. How into her should he be after 3 months?!?!

I'll bet money on her saying she's pregnant in a few days.

She's a bunny boiler. Where are her family? If DN has met them I'd tell him to give them a call if she doesn't back off.