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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To decide i won't be friends with people based on their energy

195 replies

MySordidCakeSecret · 15/12/2015 13:36

DP would say I am, but in the last yr or so i've become really aware of the energy that people give out.

Some people repel me like the same poles of a magnet. For example NDN from the day i met him I just felt a really bad buzz about him, and i'll be honest i havn't given him any time because i feel due to this we won't be friends (and other reasons)

There's a mum at school who we chat and she's nice all fine, but i know we could never be close friends because she has a different energy.

And then there's some people, in particular one of the dad's at school (before anyone starts this is not an attraction thing!) who has such a calming, positive energy i feel totally comfortable and can quite happily stand near him in comfortable happy silence.

OP posts:
IceBeing · 15/12/2015 15:39

claig also for the record 31 million voters in the last election were intrinsically racist and xenophobic...because all human beings are. 27 million voters managed to mitigate their intrinsic racism sufficiently to vote for parties that weren't campaigning on a single issue around keeping the foreigners out. 4 million didn't.

It is an active process you have to engage with...nullifying your intrinsic racism....

BipBippadotta · 15/12/2015 15:39

I think most people have a sense of someone the first time we meet them - not everyone lets that be the last word in the matter.

Some people don't like Corbyn due to a perceivd scruffiness and some think he is more authentic due to it because image is not one of his priorities.

Whatever one thinks JC's scruffiness means, it is still an interpretation based on his appearance - positive or negative.

DreamingOfThruxtons · 15/12/2015 15:40

Just to follow up re: my mention of Asperger's as something someone may be judged for subconsciously: this is based on personal experience of people I have known who have it (I'm actually on the spectrum myself, though at the very mild end). Things like maintaining eye contact, displaying subtle physical behaviours/cues (and picking up on and responding to them from others) do not generally come as easily. All I meant was that there were various reasons a person may strike you negatively, this being one example.

I have seen various people respond negatively to family members with more 'obvious' AS, and I don't think they knew why it was that they didn't warm to them.

I certainly didn't mean to imply that people with Asperger's are any more 'negative' than anyone else- but it does make social interactions more difficult, and often stressful. Anyway.

Also, apologies if my other analogy came across as if I was likening you directly to the religious nutter in the airport. That was, of course, an extreme example. I'm sure you are not like that!

IceBeing · 15/12/2015 15:40

glad you think so! my job here is done!

TheoriginalLEM · 15/12/2015 15:41

I'm not sure i understand Icebeing - which is my failing not yours.

We all have initial impressions of someone - based on lots of things i suppose. Looks? How they are dressed? What they say? Even things like skin colour and nationality? We make instant evaluations.

So are we making assumptions based on our own ideas? or the "energy" of the person?

So some days, im quite extrovert and maybe a little OTT. People would assume then im friendly and fun? I suffer from anxiety and it can make me feel awful - i would imagine that my "energy" that day would not be positive and people meeting me for the first time might assume that im grumpy,introverted and unapproachable. So it is a bit of both?

Original poster
MySordidCakeSecret · 15/12/2015 15:41

claig and msbutterymash have it spot on, they word it better than i do!

OP posts:
Original poster
MySordidCakeSecret · 15/12/2015 15:42

darthvader i'd appreciate you not talking about me as if i'm an idiot. Thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
MySordidCakeSecret · 15/12/2015 15:43

OP you were self-aware enough to state that you don't think you are special....so why do you think you are different to every other human on the planet such that your brain doesn't make these stereotyping judgements when everybody else's does???

I said that i agree that we are instinctively tribal in the way we group others. But it's not relevant to what i'm talking about.

OP posts:
claig · 15/12/2015 15:43

BipBippadotta, you are absolutely right about appearance and Corbyn etc, but that is a different type of judgement to the one the OP is talking about. The OP is essentially feeling intuitively whether she will get on well with someone irrespective of what they look like.

Original poster
MySordidCakeSecret · 15/12/2015 15:45

sorry icebeing but i don't know why you're talking about racism and sexism like it has any bearing to what is being discussed.

OP posts:
goodnightdarthvader1 · 15/12/2015 15:46

Oh, for crying out loud.

OK, BYE.

BipBippadotta · 15/12/2015 15:47

This is probably splitting hairs, but to help OP understand why her dh might find this unreasonable, I think the issue with avoiding someone 'based on their energy' is that it assumes it is something about the other person, and their energy, not the dynamic between you, that is getting in the way of a potential friendship.

Clicking implies it goes both ways, you're just not that into each other; saying it's 'their' energy implies it's 'their' issue and you are fine.

It's a very, very small difference.

DreamingOfThruxtons · 15/12/2015 15:50

Good point, BipBippadotta. And actually quite an important one, I think.

Original poster
MySordidCakeSecret · 15/12/2015 15:50

I certainly didn't mean to imply that people with Asperger's are any more 'negative' than anyone else- but it does make social interactions more difficult, and often stressful. Anyway.

that's good to know, and i'm sorry that you have problems with others. I'm one of my dad's best friends, and i see how people react to him, it's very disheartening sometimes.

OP posts:
BipBippadotta · 15/12/2015 15:52

If 'energy' is an important concept that you don't think it being captured in other language, you could equally say 'our energies do not meld' (!) or whatever.

Talking about their energy as an absolute & unchanging value that you have evaluated and can't be doing with may be the unreasonable-sounding thing.

claig · 15/12/2015 15:52

'Clicking implies it goes both ways, you're just not that into each other; saying it's 'their' energy implies it's 'their' issue and you are fine.'

Yes, very important point and important that it is made clear. I don't think the OP intended it in that way but others can misinterpret it. There is no right or wrong in this, everyone is different and feels differently and we don't all get on with each other but that doesn't mean we are better than anyone else or vice versa.

Original poster
MySordidCakeSecret · 15/12/2015 15:53

yes you're right Bippa.

I know that due to my past i am very guarded and don't trust others easily. It doesn't take a lot for me to "shut down" on someone in the sense that other introverts and people with anxiety have referred to.

But you are right and i know that first impressions can be wrong.

This has been on the most part a very interesting discussion and givenn lots of food for thought.

OP posts:
Original poster
MySordidCakeSecret · 15/12/2015 15:54

I do hold the opinion though that people get on naturally with some and others they just don't, communication is hard.

OP posts:
blueshoes · 15/12/2015 15:57

Making snap judgements about someone based on their 'energy' or what not is a form of arrogance and close-mindedness, particularly if the OP is young (23?) and inexperienced and lacking in maturity to be prepared to accept that they could be wrong.

Those longer in the tooth tend to have the maturity to accept they may not always be right at first and the humility to know they don't have all the answers.

ThatsNotMyRabbit · 15/12/2015 15:57

YABU.

Nobody gives out an "energy". Used in the way you mean it's a completely meaningless term. As is people having auras.

I dare say you also believe in homeopathy and distance healing.

BipBippadotta · 15/12/2015 16:03

OP, if you've had a difficult past & abuses of trust, making an instant call on who's safe & who's not is likely an instinctive protective response. Hopefully in time as you feel safer this will recede a bit. Perhaps explaining it that way, that you find it hard to trust new people, might also make it a bit more understandable to others.

Random anecdote - I couldn't bear being around a colleague once whose voice sounded really like that of a hideous relative of mine. Made my flesh creep. Others assured me he's really lovely - I just can't erase the other connotation. That's just as much me and my history as his 'energy'. He probably thought I was being incredibly rude, meanwhile, as I could never look him in the eye!

TheoriginalLEM · 15/12/2015 16:07

Thats not my rabbit - i think the OP is speaking metaphorically!

Stop being mean, im in a foul mood as it is

claig · 15/12/2015 16:08

What I find really fascinating is that this "energy" for want of a better word seems to be something that endures way beyond mood. TheOriginalLEM made a good point about whether her at times extrovert or at othertimes grumpy mood may affect others' impressions on this level. I actually don't think so because we all know and accept that people are grumpy sometimes and extrovert at others etc. It is no big deal. But I do think there is an enduring "energy" that goes beyond all of this which it is possible to sense.

I think if any of us were lucky enough to have met Nelson Mandela we would have felt it. You could almost feel it just by watching him on a TV screen, that is how powerful this "energy" was.

Tiger Woods recalls unforgettable aura of Nelson Mandela

Golf superstar Tiger Woods has remembered how his first meeting with Nelson Mandela 15 years ago was an experience like no other
...
"I went down there to play [at] Sun City, and he [Mandela] invited us to his home. And my father and I went to have lunch with him. It still gives me chills to this day, thinking about it," Woods told journalists
...
We walked in the room and my dad and I were just kind of looking around. And I said, 'Dad, do you feel that?' And he says, 'Yeah, it feels different in this room.' And it was just like a different energy in the room," Woods said.

"And maybe, I'm guessing probably 30 seconds later, I heard some movement behind me and it was [former] president Mandela folding up the paper. And it was pretty amazing.

"The energy that he has, that he exudes, is unlike any person I've ever met. And it was an honour to meet him at his home. And that's an experience that I will never, ever forget."

mg.co.za/article/2013-07-16-tiger-woods-recalls-unforgettable-aura-of-nelson-mandela

Obviously Mandela was an exceptional person and very few of us will ever be privileged to meet someone like that, but that is an example of this "energy" in action in my opinion.

I know it is woo, but I think there is something in it.

Original poster
MySordidCakeSecret · 15/12/2015 16:13

blueshoes I've already stated that i can be wrong and we've covered that it's not judgements. It doesn't decide who i talk to or am friendly with i'm friendly towards everyone it's more of a guarding thing.

OP posts:
Garlick · 15/12/2015 16:13

Loads of people have paraphrased this already. It seems to be getting through very slowly Wink

are you picking up subtle vibes from people about the kind of character they are? Lots of people do this and if that's the case, I think that's fine. Most of us have met people we disliked or felt uneasy about

Almost everyone does this all the time. It's hard-wired into us the same way it's hard-wired in horses & dogs, etc. It's so normal that people whose brains lack this capacity, or have different wiring, are said to have a disorder.

I'm dropping the word energy

Thank goodness Grin

What you're describing is an everyday human experience. Those who insist on specialising it as energy reading, auras, angels, or related spiritual woo bollocks, are either heading for a mental illness or tragically lacking in the very empathic skills they claim to treasure.