To decide i won't be friends with people based on their energy

[MySordidCakeSecret]

DP would say I am, but in the last yr or so i've become really aware of the energy that people give out.

Some people repel me like the same poles of a magnet. For example NDN from the day i met him I just felt a really bad buzz about him, and i'll be honest i havn't given him any time because i feel due to this we won't be friends (and other reasons)

There's a mum at school who we chat and she's nice all fine, but i know we could never be close friends because she has a different energy.

And then there's some people, in particular one of the dad's at school (before anyone starts this is not an attraction thing!) who has such a calming, positive energy i feel totally comfortable and can quite happily stand near him in comfortable happy silence.

I wouldn't call it energy and I don't think it's a spiritual/woo thing, but also I don't think it's just prejudice. There are some people who make me uncomfortable and who I get a bad feeling from and want to avoid. I think it's probably cues from their face or body language that they are angry, aggressive or ill-intentioned, though they may be being polite and friendly.

Of course you might get it wrong sometimes but I tend to listen to that instinct.

Ice, she won't get it. She will never get it. And I'm not even talking about her "trusting" people of the same ethnic group.

She seems to have one definition of "judging" in her head, and that's it. There's no acknowledgement of any bias or assumption because that would be "nasty".

I should have known better than to try common sense on a thread like this.

claig and OP how can you tell what it is you are begin 'attracted' too. You don't look at someone and think 'oh yeah exactly my favourite kind of anglo-saxon DNA', you just automatically feel safe and like you know roughly how this person will respond to you which feel comforting.

The whole jeffing point is that your brain is processing this WITHOUT your awareness....so saying 'oh I know I am not judging on x,y,z is totaly ridiculous.

OP you were self-aware enough to state that you don't think you are special....so why do you think you are different to every other human on the planet such that your brain doesn't make these stereotyping judgements when everybody else's does???

goodnight yeah what the fuck is the point.....I should have stuck to my guns with 'if Claig is agreeing with you its a lost cause' shouldn't I?

OP

We all make judgments on people when we first meet them. It's natural and lots of things, subconsciously, contribute to that.

There is nothing wrong with that. But you should also be open to people surprising you.

You should also be open to changing your mind and your instal opinion.

I only give personal information out to very few people. There is no obligation to tell anybody anything personal. Whether you are friends or not.

People have phases of feeling good and not so good. Presumably their energy level changes over time. Although I do always dislike talking to my ndn but that's probably about past history.

I've also been taken in by the positive vibe people who turn out to be shallow with no moral compass. The "chatter uppers".

There's a mum I chat to at the school gate fairly regularly but I know we'll never be friends. It's her "way". Whatever I say, she seems to be telling me off. She disagrees for the sake of it. And it's irritating. I feel sort of spikey after any interaction with her.

And a dad, yes who's very gentle, calm and listens well. You feel comfortable in his presence because he is positive about whatever you say.

I think it's more about social skills myself.

goodnight I really should have more sense...I spend a lot of time with the kind of people who say they are not sexist then say the job application with the male name on is superior to the identical one with a female name on and still at the end of it declare they aren't sexist...

For some people, scientific proven facts are somewhat less compelling than whatever bullshit they read today in the DM...

Icebeing, you seem obsessed with race

'oh yeah exactly my favourite kind of anglo-saxon DNA'

It has got absolutely nothing to do with that. It is a sympathetic reaction, a sympathy and empathy, a feeling that is intuitive. No one knows where it comes from. Some people are tuned into it more than others, some people tune it out. Live and let live, everyone is different, that is what makes the world go around.

'so why do you think you are different to every other human on the planet'

She doesn't which is why she is asking does anyone have a similar feeling.

claig yeah, we all know you aren't a racist...that's why you are an ardent UKIP supporter....

'There is nothing wrong with that. But you should also be open to people surprising you.

You should also be open to changing your mind and your instal opinion.'

Exactly right, which is why the OP is asking about it.

It is a scientifically proven fact that the average person is reasonably racist, when making rapid first impressions and using gut instinct. Saying you aren't racist in that way is to claim special powers over normal human beings. It is of course a spectrum from only mildly racist to totally xenophobic...but all human beings are intrinsically racist.

Icebeing, there are 4 million UKIP supporters and they aren't all racists and nor am I. Stop derailing the thread and address the OP's points.

Igi. Trust your gut instinct and choose who you interact with.

My approach: does this person bring something positive? Meaning, will being friends with her add to / enhance my quality of life. If yes, great, I will nurture the relationship. If no, well I will choose how i interact with her in the future: / socialise with in a group occasionally

It is true that we make assumptions in a split second based on appearance including race.

That doesn't necessarily mean that is what OP is talking about. When I have a bad feeling or good feeling about someone for example, it doesn't correlate with race, or with similarity to me. I can think of three people off the top of my head who gave me the shudders, all were white like me. It's nothing at all to do with special needs or disability or obvious physical difference.

What it feels like to me is a sense of their personality, and I think it's not impossible that people do give away aspects of their personality in their body language etc.

Ice (and OP, if she's still following), I'm more talking about ... ok, picture this:

• black man
• early twenties
• wearing a smart suit
• holding a briefcase

You might assume they were:

• going to work (suit)
• university / college graduate (going to work)
• work in an office (briefcase / suit)
• living at home (tough economic climate, hard for young people to strike out on their own these days)

Some of those things might be accurate, some might not. Some people might come to some of those judgements, all of those judgements, or none of them. None of those judgements are inherently BAD, or rude, or "nasty". They're just some of the things you MIGHT think while fitting this person into the sphere of knowledge you have inside your head.

THAT is what I'm talking about when I talk about assumptions based on how people look / stand / dress. Do you get it, OP?

If not, I may jump out the window.

I think calling the set of particular wires that fire when you first meet someone "judgments" is a little misleading and perhaps what the OP is railing against.

OP, Darth is talking about completely uncontrollable neuronal impulses based on myriad non-verbal cues given to you.

Something very obvious might be:
Arms crossed = standoffish
Arms by side = alert
Arms reaching forward = tactile

Each position will cause a neuronal response to kick in. You aren't coherently thinking "That person is standoffish". But might get the impression that the person is standoffish, without ever really knowing why.

claig I have thoroughly addressed the OP's comments with reference to scientifically proven ideas. These have been dismissed out of hand on the basis that s/he doesn't want to admit that someone's gut instinct about a person is substantially based on automatic stereotyping that is itself based on superficial characteristics spanning race, gender, appearance, clothing, body language, odour etc. and hence would rather dress it up as 'vibes' so as not to be responsible for it.

There is nothing else left to address.

People's gut instinct are racist, sexist, etc. which is why you should look beyond them.

Denying the facts is counter productive.

I think the OP is getting a bit of a rough ride here - we all judge people based on our first impression. I think as we get older, we learn to re-evaluate, so someone we might not hve warmed to initially might turn out to be great, wheras someone we thought we might like at first might turn out to be not so great.

Whether you chose to call it energy, vibe, aura or flying pigs isn't important.

It is a sympathetic reaction, a sympathy and empathy, a feeling that is intuitive. No one knows where it comes from. Some people are tuned into it more than others, some people tune it out.

Yeah, this is the tone that gets people's backs up. This I see things you don't, your eyes are closed to the mystical truth of the universe, I am deeply connected to the collective unconscious stuff.

People (psychologists, neuroscientists) actually do know a lot about where it comes from: previous attachment patterns, learned responses (to clothing, smell, appearance, etc), interpreting micro facial expressions so quickly you're not aware you're doing it, etc.

Why not just say, 'yeah, I click with some people, I don't with others'? Everyone will understand exactly what you mean. it also doesn't imply that one or other party is at fault.

Consider whether it's reasonable not to get to know people better because without speaking to them you feel you don't 'click'. It's your choice - it may also mean you lose out on someone you may eventually come to 'click' with.

lem it is important to acknowledge the source of these feelings because it helps to decide whether they should be accepted as valid input into your decision making.

IF you believe in auras you might conclude you are correct in avoiding people your are initially put off by...if you know it is to do with bits of your brain making snap decisions you wouldn't be too proud of then you challenge the sensation.

no one knows where it comes from

Apparently people are confused about the difference between 'I do not know where this comes from' and 'nobody knows where this comes from'.

It is known...just because you don't know it, does mean it isn't known.

'based on superficial characteristics spanning race, gender, appearance, clothing, body language'

You are assuming that that is what the OP is basing her feeling on and she hasn't mentioned those.

There is no doubt that appearance has an influence on people, we draw conclusions based on scruffiness etc and different of us draw different conclusions., not necessarily negative. Some people don't like Corbyn due to a perceivd scruffiness and some think he is more authentic due to it because image is not one of his priorities.

Body language is a cue that we can make judgements from and so is tone of voice and lots of other things. But the OP has not mentioned body language.
She feels there may be some other aspect that affects this intuitive judgement and is asking if others think the same. I think there is something in what she is saying. I think it goes beyond body language, appearance etc. What ii is and how it works, I have no idea, but I think there is something else and that is what the OP is talking about.

claig I am assuming the OP is human and therefore she does these things like all the other humans do.

It is very simple.

'Why not just say, 'yeah, I click with some people, I don't with others'? Everyone will understand exactly what you mean. it also doesn't imply that one or other party is at fault. '

I think that is essentially what the OP is saying. She is not applying fault, just saying what clicks with her and wondering about how it works and if others feel like that too. As TheOriginalLEM says

"I think the OP is getting a bit of a rough ride here - we all judge people based on our first impression. "

most of us feel a similar thing.

'It is very simple.'

OK, you are right.