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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas & PIL... Sorry!

303 replies

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 14/12/2015 11:03

Me, DH, our DD's and DDog always spend Christmas with my parents. They really go all out, my siblings go, our nieces and nephews, my nan, and even our two best friends get invited. There's loads of people and games and other children to play with, and we usually go out with all the above people on Christmas Eve, go there Christmas morning, pop to PIL to give presents for a few hours, back to my mums for lunch and the rest of the day, and go there again Boxing Day with all the same people.

That sounds mean written down, but PIL have previously been invited and declined, they don't like DDog and won't have him in the house and I can't leave him for that many hours, and it's just not as fun for the children.

Last year BIL & SIL (who pop round to PIL's) at the same time as us on Christmas morning moved away, and so MIL has offered to work on Christmas morning and FIL wants us to just move 'Christmas' to Boxing Day.

That's absolutely fine by me... A small part of me was a bit insulted that without B&SIL there it isn't worth it for them, but it makes it easier for us without having to rush around in the morning. We'll miss Boxing Day stuff at my mums which is annoying, but that's life.

But yesterday MIL says to DH 'so will you get here about 7.45 on Christmas morning?' And it transpires she wants to be taken and collected from work on Christmas Day, that's leaving our house about 7.30 and not returning until about 8.45, which is when our young DD's will wake up and want to open presents, and will delay is getting to my mums to open presents with the children waiting there...

She wants to be picked up at 1.30, which means asking my mum to delay dinner by a minimum 45 mins which I just feel rude to do when she's cooking for so many people and others have made plans to come and go based on timings we always do.

It's really pissed me off that she is expecting him to do this on Christmas Day... And give up our Boxing Day. AIBU?

OP posts:
AnnPerkins · 14/12/2015 13:14

I agree it's all Ddog's fault. Where's it going on Boxing Day if it can't go to the PILs?

I don't know why I'm getting involved actually. There are two sides but this situation isn't exactly the end of the world.

While it is a nuisance having to get up early and miss the start of lunch, if it were me I'd run my mum to and from work. It would be in my power to help her out so I would. And it would be nice to see her and Dad on Christmas Day, if only briefly.

It's not really that important is it?

Crabbitface · 14/12/2015 13:16

Honestly - if I said to my mum today (11 days before the event) "Listen Mum...Mr Crabbit's mum is working on Christmas Day and he wants to give her lift, could we all have dinner at say 2pm instead 1pm please?" She would say " Of course - no bother....more time to get organised and to drink wine!".

If my MIL asked my husband for a lift to work and he asked my opinion - I'd say. "'Course I don't mind Crabbitman, give her our love and tell her we're looking forward to seeing her on Boxing Day".

I just don't get all the hoo ha....

OTiTO · 14/12/2015 13:18

Yabu. - just let your DH drive his Mum, it would be nice for him and his mum to see each other first thing. It really, really isn't an issue asking the kids to wait and so what if the day at your Mums is delayed a little. It doesn't matter. If you think it's rude to ask your mum to delay Xmas lunch then don't, it doesn't matter if your DH is a bit late for the meal.

This is one of those situations that you could sort out if you wanted to. You are going to have a lovely Xmas with your kids and family. I think you (or rather your husband ) can accommodate your MIL without it effecting your enjoyment of the day.

Not going to your in laws house because of the dog sounds like an excuse too. If you are that close to your family then surely one of them would watch the dog for you.

I'm impressed Hmm that you can work out a way to be insulted by your in-laws because your MIL is choosing to work on Xmas day when it must be so clear to them that they very much are second choice.

The fact they have been invited to your parents doesn't mean that they won't feel like second best.

It's interesting that you say your DH has no backbone.... Confused Wink

LagunaBubbles · 14/12/2015 13:19

I see the contrarians are out in force today

And I see the MIL haters are also out in force today. It is selfish to talk about "giving up" her Boxing Day to spend time with your partners parents.

Jenni2legs · 14/12/2015 13:19

I haven't read all of the replies, but couldn't you get the kids up early and all pile into the car to take 'gran' to work? Could be a mini-adventure?

Then back to the warm house for presents and hot choc. Have a lovely Christmas!! Xmas Wink

LagunaBubbles · 14/12/2015 13:22

Slaggy you dont think the fact that the OP has said she would be "giving up" Boxing Day to spend time with her ILs is mean? The OP even says she sounds mean herself in her first post.

SlaggyIsland · 14/12/2015 13:22

Laguna I'm far from a MIL hater. We have just spent a grand and a half in flight at my instigation to go and have Christmas with my PILs.
I just think that the OPs PILs sound rather awkward, unlike my nice ones!

Crabbitface · 14/12/2015 13:22

Jenni2legs LOVELY IDEA!! That way Grannie would see the kids too - take the hot (warm!) chocolate and mince pies in the car with a wee gift for Grannie and sing carols all the way.

SlaggyIsland · 14/12/2015 13:23

Sorry Laguna just saw that - not mean, honest. She would have a better time with her family so of course she feels like she's making a bit of a sacrifice. She feels how she feels, as long as she doesn't actually say it to their faces.

clam · 14/12/2015 13:25

I understand why this is annoying, and I think I'd feel a bit pissed off too, but actually, my dh would offer to do this for his mum and I have to say that it is exactly that kind nature that makes me love him.

How he treats his mum today is how he might treat you one day. Think on...

ShebaQueen · 14/12/2015 13:27

Mary I feel as others that some compromise is required and I do feel a bit sorry for your PIL. What surprises me is that you have posted in AIBU but the only answer you are looking for is no, rather than trying to see it from another perspective. My PIL are both dead now and I also found Christmas with them very boring, almost exactly as you have described, chocs and tv, but I still wouldn't have left them alone year after year, we always tried to be fair.

OhYeahMama · 14/12/2015 13:28

What job does MIL on xmas day? Is she in a caring profession?

TheLesserSpottedBee · 14/12/2015 13:28

I loved my MIL and she would never have asked for a lift on Christmas morning because she remembers how special it is when the children are little.

I think the fact that the PIL never really celebrate Christmas has clouded her judgement on the whole Christmas celebration excitement and she doesn't realise how important it is in your house.

I would book her a taxi.

Rushing children though present opening or delaying it is a bit mean.

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 14/12/2015 13:30

In the spirit of Christmas Compromise, could your DH take his mum to work 45 mins or an hour early, hopefully getting back before the children wake? If she works in a hospital, there should be a lounge or cafeteria where she could wait for her shift to start. She can get a taxi home.

Fizrim · 14/12/2015 13:37

I think you are being unreasonable to expect your PIL to go to your own parents for Christmas, even if you invite them every year.

Asking for a lift on Christmas Day is not ideal, but you expect them to fit around your plans every.single.year. The one time they've changed things you are not happy. I would also take the children in the car and make an adventure of it.

RhodaBull · 14/12/2015 13:37

If I were the mil I'd work on Christmas Day too (although I wouldn't ask for a lift). If ds went every year to "fun" in-laws I'd be heartbroken, and even to be invited but be a spare part at someone else's Christmas would be awful.

I can see why OP would groan at the lift throwing a spanner in the works of a well-oiled Christmas machine, but this gives dh and his mother a chance to see each other. It's not really too much to ask to accommodate this.

DinosaursRoar · 14/12/2015 13:38

OhYeah - the OP said her MIL works in a hospital but wouldn't have been on shift on Chrsitmas day but has volunteered to work. (which actually is rather lovely if you think about it)

Crabbit - depends who else is going, if lunch has been timed to fit round the competing need of multiple people (including several children), it's a bit much to change a big event this close. It's not like the OP's Mum is cooking for just the OP's immediate family as well, she says grandparents, siblings (plural) and their DCs, plus various others who'll be fitting this in with also seeing other grandparents, family members etc.

Taking MIL early is a good compromise.

Also if FIL will be on his own while MIL is working, has the invite been extended again for him to come along to join you all?

thinkfast · 14/12/2015 13:45

Yanbu to not want to be a taxi service on Xmas day. Tell her no and remind her that FIL is still invited to your parents so that he's not alone on the day.

However if you consistently spend Xmas day at your parents either Xmas eve or Boxing Day should be reserved for the inlaws

NoSquirrels · 14/12/2015 13:52

Isn't there anyone else at her work who might give her a lift?

If not, then taxi.

Don't make the DC wait till 8.45. And don't take them on a car journey that is just a round trip on Christmas morning. V. odd.

If your DH wants to give his mum a lift, I think he probably has to miss out on watching the kids opening stockings. You could wait for large presents till he's back at 8.45?

This lift idea wouldn't be a problem if one person's change of plans wasn't derailing a whole extended families plans re: presents etc. so I think YANBU.

My DPs are happy to invite loads of people, and weather loads of timings etc. for presents and lunch and be mightily accommodating. But I'd be in bad books if we tried to do this fairly last-minute on someone else's whim, when things have been previously agreed and you're already changing from what you do most years.

Freezingwinter · 14/12/2015 13:55

Sorry if it's already been said OP but some hospitals offer a transport service for Christmas day/Boxing Day/New Years day staff. It's to help those who rely on public transport but obviously there's no public transport on bank holidays. I wonder whether your MIL has been offered this and refused?

Pollyputthekettleon45 · 14/12/2015 13:56

The fact she PRESUMED a parent with 2 young children and a busy day ahead would be OK to take her to work and pick her up from work on Christmas day would annoy me. If she asked it wouldn't of been so bad but the presuming bit, argh!

My guess is because she doesn't 'do' anything for Christmas it doesn't seem like a big deal.

Nonidentifyingnc · 14/12/2015 14:02

I don't like that posters are saying things like 'does she always blag lifts off people'.
She is asking her son for some assistance. That is what families do.
Now I get that it is a pita and he would probably rather not do it, but OP, while your family might be big on celebrating Christmas, you seem to have forgotten the Christmas spirit.

WeAllHaveWings · 14/12/2015 14:02

Spending all Xmas Eve, all Xmas day (apart from a token couple of hours with PIL) and then all boxing day with your family is pretty dismissive of your in-laws. Inviting them to your family when you know its not their thing does not excuse you.

And its nothing to do with what you want its for the children and the dog Hmm

I always had a gran and a "fun" gran, but we happily spent time with them equally at Xmas. You should be teaching this to your children that their grandparents love them equally and its important to spend quality time like Xmas equally with both.

Lets hope when your children grow up their partners don't have more entertaining parents than you.

Floisme · 14/12/2015 14:05

So basically the op prioritises her own parents every year and then objects because her husband offers his mum a lift?

SisterMoonshine · 14/12/2015 14:07

I think he should take her. Don't make the DCs wait for him though - if he misses out, then he's learned a bit of a lesson.
You can't ask the person hosting dinner to make everyone wait though, so book her a taxi home, or tell her that he can't do the pick up (or can't do the pick up if he wants a Christmas dinner this year).