Christmas & PIL... Sorry!

[MaryPoppinsPenguins]

Me, DH, our DD's and DDog always spend Christmas with my parents. They really go all out, my siblings go, our nieces and nephews, my nan, and even our two best friends get invited. There's loads of people and games and other children to play with, and we usually go out with all the above people on Christmas Eve, go there Christmas morning, pop to PIL to give presents for a few hours, back to my mums for lunch and the rest of the day, and go there again Boxing Day with all the same people.

That sounds mean written down, but PIL have previously been invited and declined, they don't like DDog and won't have him in the house and I can't leave him for that many hours, and it's just not as fun for the children.

Last year BIL & SIL (who pop round to PIL's) at the same time as us on Christmas morning moved away, and so MIL has offered to work on Christmas morning and FIL wants us to just move 'Christmas' to Boxing Day.

That's absolutely fine by me... A small part of me was a bit insulted that without B&SIL there it isn't worth it for them, but it makes it easier for us without having to rush around in the morning. We'll miss Boxing Day stuff at my mums which is annoying, but that's life.

But yesterday MIL says to DH 'so will you get here about 7.45 on Christmas morning?' And it transpires she wants to be taken and collected from work on Christmas Day, that's leaving our house about 7.30 and not returning until about 8.45, which is when our young DD's will wake up and want to open presents, and will delay is getting to my mums to open presents with the children waiting there...

She wants to be picked up at 1.30, which means asking my mum to delay dinner by a minimum 45 mins which I just feel rude to do when she's cooking for so many people and others have made plans to come and go based on timings we always do.

It's really pissed me off that she is expecting him to do this on Christmas Day... And give up our Boxing Day. AIBU?

[OTiTO]

I think some people are just reading way too much into the wishes and feelings of the ILs.

^ this

The OP has said she gets on with her in laws and hasn't mentioned any ill feelings apart from her own feelings of feeling insulted that the mil has booked to work on Xmas morning.
From the info given it might be that the PIL are perfectly happy with everything - we don't even know if the MIL is going to mind that her son won't give her the lifts when she asked. Maybe she just asked on the off chance that her son wouldn't mind. She won't have known that that the timings of the OPs family Xmas meal are so fixed.

For all anyone knows the MIL might be completely happy with being asked to get a taxi. - and not agnsting about it at all.

Of Course that it a bit of a boring scenario and doesn't fit the MN story of MIL being conniving and scheming.

ps I'm not a MIL

[LagunaBubbles]

The OP has said she gets on with her in laws and hasn't mentioned any ill feelings apart from her own feelings of feeling insulted that the mil has booked to work on Xmas morning

She has. For the record I dont think OP is mean because she doesnt want her DH to give her MIL a lift a Christmas Day, I think shes mean for talking about "giving up" her time to spend with them. Thats horrible.

[InternalMonologue]

This thread has got ridiculous. It's the MIL not the OP who has changed the goalposts here.

I don't blame the OP for feeling like they're giving up their boxing day - if they're accustomed to one thing to then find themselves with a day of sitting in front of the telly with a box of Roses, I'd say it's a bit of an anticlimax.

I might be speaking for myself, but if I found myself in a situation where my house wasn't the preferred option, I really don't think I'd be wanting to force people to spend time here out of obligation. Yuck. I'd far rather people enjoyed themselves, especially if it was my choice to not go to the "more fun" place too.

[Bupcake]

Someone upthread implied that this is a very very #closeFamily - I assume in reference to my lot! This does sound like something my SIL would get wound up about (having to "give up" her "more fun" Boxing Day for her ILs), but since there'd never be any mission of that happening, I don't think this is her!

I think the missing link that needs to be investigated here is the DH - what actually led up to him offering the lift? Eg did MIL say "I'm working Christmas Day - I'll have to think about how to get there; there won't be any buses" and DH said "Sure I'll give you a lift mum"? MIL then said " No, you need to be at home for the DCs" and DH said "No, last year they weren't up until 9; I'll be back in plenty of time". Then afterwards DH thought "Oh dear, DW won't be happy about this" and spun it as "MIL asked for a lift and will be cross if I say no". That's exactly like something my DH would do.

Or was it in fact that MIL said " I'll need a lift to work on Christmas Day, what time can you be here? "

Or something in between?

I'd find that out first and take it from there. My DH has form for making it sound like MIL is being demanding, and pretending that he doesn't want to go along with it but feels he has to. Me speaking directly to MIL often sorts it out. At this stage it needs to be sorted with no messing about, so personally if there's any doubt I'd take the next chance you have to speak to MIL and see what's really going on. Then have a word with your DH about communicating if needs be!

Also agree about getting your dog more used to bring at home alone for longer periods. Won't happen in time for this year, but it might make life easier next year!

[MaryPoppinsPenguins]

The dogs life definitely needs to change! It is difficult with him being so hard to leave, but he's had 5 years of my DH working from home and then 4 years of me being a SAHM living just a few doors down from school... It's going to be a big adjustment and I'm not sure if he might be too old to learn...

[ImtheChristmasCarcass]

This thread got me thinking. I never realized it, but we always had Christmas with my mother's family. OP, ours was quite like yours; controlled chaos, too much food, lots of cousins, everything wonderful. I can only remember one or two Christmas parties with my father's family. I'm not sure why, I expect it's because my father's parents passed away before my folks were married and his brothers (and he) were 'absorbed' into their wives' families, whilst my mother's parents were still living.

I think the difference was that our family parties were always the Saturday before and Christmas Day was always spent with at home with my parents and my grandparents 'rotated' dinner each year with one of their children.

If OP's DH isn't happy with things as they are, then he needs to speak up. It's not up to OP to change the way things are done unless he asks her to. My dad loved having Christmas with my mother's family. If he hadn't he certainly would have said so.

[Bupcake]

Aw, poor dog! He'll get there! He might be glad of the peace and quiet!

OP, try not to be too harsh on your PILs for not wanting to come to your parents' house for Christmas. It sounds like they really enjoy a quiet Christmas, and yours sounds chaotic. Personally, I get this a lot from DH - he always wants me to join in with his family's madness, but I actually find it really pressured, and don't enjoy it much at all. Would your parents like to be invited to ILs for Christmas? Probably not. But the different style of Christmas is not necessarily better or worse - it's just different.

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

It must be awful to be the least preferred option at Christmas. I have four kids, well two in their twenties now. Realistically, we are not going to get them all every year.

We shall obviously have to start upping our game and become the party house.

[sofiahelin]

we shall obviously have to start upping our game and become the party house
Ha ha yes I'm already planning my future house to have zip wire, trampoline, slide down the stairs, soft play room? I'm 37 lots of time to plan & make sure those grandkids come TO ME ALLLLL ME!!!

[MaryPoppinsPenguins]

I'm not sure where this idea that my DH isn't happy came from.. He's very happy! He literally just called me from work to say he's ordered a game for Christmas night everyone's going to love.

[MaryPoppinsPenguins]

(And my mums house doesn't have any of those things )

[LagunaBubbles]

Mary I never said (dont know about anyone else) that your DH isnt happy, just guilty, because he prefers time at your parents rather than his own.

[LagunaBubbles]

We shall obviously have to start upping our game and become the party house

[iPaid]

OP - can we have an update, please?

[MaryPoppinsPenguins]

There's no big update, we've decided DH will take her early and will offer to pay for her cab home, but she's coming here tomorrow so DH is going to bring it up then, rather than over the phone, to make it less of a big deal.

[Domino777]

Good luck!

[iPaid]

I hope it goes well.

[rageagainsttheBIL]

I think this all comes down to...

Is your dog an arsehole? ;)

(My sister's dogs are utter nightmares. They eat, jump up at, bark at EVERYTHING. She's paid £££ going to training school, nothing worked. They are just insane. I love dogs but wouldn't let them near my house!)

[MaryPoppinsPenguins]

My dog is actually lovely! (Obviously I'm biased!) he's only a spaniel, not a huge dog, and when I'm home he's amazing. He's brilliant with my kids, despite the younger one going through a spiteful phase with him... He's just so nervous of being by himself. Even when I'm just putting my DD's coat on, or if I go to look out of the window he'll start to bark because he thinks I'm going out.

But... He's very sweet and he's 9 now so not a jumpy puppy!

[MaryPoppinsPenguins]

See? Cute

[ceeveebee]

The lift/taxi compromise sounds like the right thing to do. But what will your FIL be doing while your MIL is at work?

I do think you do sound a bit selfish actually with respect to spending all 3 festive days with your parents every year. My DHs family Christmas is so much better than my parents - good food, they play with the kids etc whereas my parents sound a bit like your PILs, it's all about TV and chocolate. But they are my parents and so we do try to alternate, and share our Boxing Day with whoever we didn't spend Christmas Day with. Yes it's not as much fun for the kids but really isn't Christmas about goodwill to all etc not "all about the kids". I don't particularly enjoy visiting my grandad in the care home either but it's just something you have to suck up IMO.

[MaryPoppinsPenguins]

(Sigh)

We were spending Christmas morning with them. It was MIL's choice to work.

FIL prefers his own company, we said we would go to just see him but he said he would spend some time ringing his brother and son (both abroad) and just see us on Boxing Day.

[nilbyname]

Op- I really think you've been dragged over the coals on this one. I'm sure your mil will see sense and accept the slight modifications to her lifts.

Your dog is lovely!

[FuckingCrumbs]

What nilby said

By the sounds of it, even if OP wasn't in the picture her DH would still spend Christmas with her family as that's what he did before they were even together!

[CFSsucks]

OP, you are just banging your head on a wall here, ultimately when it comes to ILs you have to be prepared to accommodate and arrange everyone else to suit them. Unless they are toxic, then go NC. Oh and adults birthdays don't matter, only children's. But not Christmas obviously, then ILs have to get to see their son too, regardless of the fact MIL chose to work instead of seeing you.

I think you are being very gracious to offer an early lift in the morning and paying for her taxi home. I say there is no need. This was her choice so she should bloody well pay for it!

Enjoy your fantastic sounding Christmas . (Sounds like my dream Christmas).