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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas & PIL... Sorry!

303 replies

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 14/12/2015 11:03

Me, DH, our DD's and DDog always spend Christmas with my parents. They really go all out, my siblings go, our nieces and nephews, my nan, and even our two best friends get invited. There's loads of people and games and other children to play with, and we usually go out with all the above people on Christmas Eve, go there Christmas morning, pop to PIL to give presents for a few hours, back to my mums for lunch and the rest of the day, and go there again Boxing Day with all the same people.

That sounds mean written down, but PIL have previously been invited and declined, they don't like DDog and won't have him in the house and I can't leave him for that many hours, and it's just not as fun for the children.

Last year BIL & SIL (who pop round to PIL's) at the same time as us on Christmas morning moved away, and so MIL has offered to work on Christmas morning and FIL wants us to just move 'Christmas' to Boxing Day.

That's absolutely fine by me... A small part of me was a bit insulted that without B&SIL there it isn't worth it for them, but it makes it easier for us without having to rush around in the morning. We'll miss Boxing Day stuff at my mums which is annoying, but that's life.

But yesterday MIL says to DH 'so will you get here about 7.45 on Christmas morning?' And it transpires she wants to be taken and collected from work on Christmas Day, that's leaving our house about 7.30 and not returning until about 8.45, which is when our young DD's will wake up and want to open presents, and will delay is getting to my mums to open presents with the children waiting there...

She wants to be picked up at 1.30, which means asking my mum to delay dinner by a minimum 45 mins which I just feel rude to do when she's cooking for so many people and others have made plans to come and go based on timings we always do.

It's really pissed me off that she is expecting him to do this on Christmas Day... And give up our Boxing Day. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
MaryPoppinsPenguins · 14/12/2015 12:02

And we are not self centred. It's all about the children, as Christmas should be. And we all do Angel gifts for another family... We're not heathens because we want to enjoy Christmas Day...

OP posts:
dustarr73 · 14/12/2015 12:02

You have kids yourself would you like to be sidelined year after year because your kids spend it with the other family.No.So you have no exsuse
thats just coming across as awful.

I think you either take it in turns or you host your own Christmas.
And i woud say its up to her son whether he takes her or not.Your Christmas wont be ruined.

Mayvis · 14/12/2015 12:03

If your kids don't wake until 8:45, then you open presents at yours, go to your parents first and have to be back at your parents by 1:30 then you can't possibly spend that long at all with your in laws.

I don't think she's being that unreasonable. It sounds more like your husband hasn't communicated with her very well, it might be none of her fault.

I think you're being a bit unreasonable. You're still spending the majority of your Christmas how you want, only your husband needs to do the driving.

And - they might not want to spend their Christmas with all your family and whoever else is there. i should think they're resigned to the fact that you won't consider them at Christmas for more than a cursory hour or two, when it's convienient for your family.

PosieReturningParker · 14/12/2015 12:03

No, no, no and no. I wouldn't do lifts on Christmas day, she's VU for expecting.

Original poster
MaryPoppinsPenguins · 14/12/2015 12:03

I can't host my own Christmas... PIL do not like our dog and I can't keep him locked in a bedroom all day.

OP posts:
iPaid · 14/12/2015 12:04

YABU

My guess is that your DH offered his mum a lift and is too scared to tell you. I'm sure you are lovely, OP, but you do come across as overbearing. Christmas is all about your family whilst PIL have to make do with their son and his kids 'popping in'.

Put a couple of stockings at the end of DDs' beds and let them open them whilst waiting for DH to get back from helping his mum. And next year, spend Christmas Day with your PILs - and I don't mean by inviting them to the gathering at your mum's!

MyLifeisaboxofwormgears · 14/12/2015 12:04

If you work unsocial hours and don't drive and have a partner who doesn't drive you need to expect to either use public transport or taxis once in a while.

Does she really blag lifts off people constantly?

I wouldn't be getting up at 7 on Xmas day for anything - and certainly not to drive someone to a voluntary work shift - for which she will receive double pay - let her get a taxi.

Original poster
MaryPoppinsPenguins · 14/12/2015 12:06

Dustarr - I'm not worried about my Christmas being ruined.. I think there are only so many years where it's magical and the DD's will run down the stairs and rip into presents... I don't want DH to miss it because his mum is making him take to to work. (Where she didn't have to be!)

OP posts:
katienana · 14/12/2015 12:06

She needs to book a taxi. You've been happy to go round there when she wasn't working, I gather that arrangement has been cancelled because your bil and sil won't be there this year which is not your fault. I think posters who are calling you unreasonable haven't read the op properly and just jumped on tr boxing day which is a separate thing really.

Alice1983 · 14/12/2015 12:07

YABU. Its Christmas Day she is working at the Hospital and all she wants is a lift from her son, which doesnt even take that long

TheBouquets · 14/12/2015 12:07

Depends where she lives!
If it is all about the children your DH is MIL and FIL's child.
I think all this carry on about who spends time with whom at Christmas is out of hand now. So many people spend time being demanding it is their way or highway! Life has become so selfish that people cant even see the bad manners. (I say this about a lot of things not just Christmas) If people would be more considerate life would flow smoother.

Original poster
MaryPoppinsPenguins · 14/12/2015 12:08

ipaid - we can't spend Christmas at PIL's. They won't have our dog at their house. And I think possibly you missed where I said it was my husbands choice to go to my parents.

Pre children he would choose to come to my house rather than stay home. His parents don't really do anything.

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 14/12/2015 12:10

But 'giving up our boxing day' is a nice thing? They've been invited to my parents, but have declined.

Anyone who sees spending time with their family as "giving up" something sounds selfish to me sorry. Yes you keep saying your ILs have been invited to your parents but have declined - maybe they want to spend time with you in their own house without having to go to someone elses house - you know, like your own parents.

Mayvis · 14/12/2015 12:10

She's probably said she'll work because your bil and sil aren't popping in, and you lot only pop in quickly before going somewhere they obviously know you'd rather be. Can't believe you've got the cheek to be insulted by her deciding to work this year either.

MajorClanger123 · 14/12/2015 12:10

Its a tricky one - I can see both sides.

My in-laws don't 'DO' christmas like my parents do, so we tend to spend Christmases with my side of the family. THe last time we went to stay with the in-laws (who live a LOOOOONG way away), it was a complete nightmare and MIL cried and I sat playing lego with 3 kids all morning on my own whilst DH, MIL & FIL battled it out in the kitchen. Urghh! ANyway, I digress...

I think the lift is slightly unreasonable, but I wonder whether you could just let DH do that to appease the situation, you stay home with the kids? MIL could then arrange another way to get back home after work. Just explain its rubbish timing so DH will take her to work but she'll have to find her own way home?

I think perhaps your final comment in your OP re: "giving up" your boxing day is, in hindsight, slightly meany? You're not 'giving up' your boxing day, you're just spending it in a way that you, personally, don't want to spend it. BUt you're an adult, and you're just going to have to suck it up and do that for your DH, your kids and, dare I say, your inlaws?

I do think you're being slightly toys out of pram - as others have said, Christmas is about family, kindness, goodwill. Your DH (whilst he does sound like he's still playing the 'mummy's boy' role) might actually want to see his parents / give his mum a lift on Christmas day. Its not all about you or your kids or what time they open their presents. In the nicest possible way, perhaps see the bigger picture?

ExitPursuedByABear · 14/12/2015 12:10

I think it is all the dog's fault.

iPaid · 14/12/2015 12:11

I didn't miss you saying that; I suspect he has little choice in the matter - it's your way at any costs.

Original poster
MaryPoppinsPenguins · 14/12/2015 12:13

ipaid, it really isn't. He even came to two Christmases at my parents house before we were even a couple... That's complete free will Smile

OP posts:
Crabbitface · 14/12/2015 12:13

I despair at the selfishness on this thread -

I wouldn't be getting up at 7 on Xmas day for anything - and certainly not to drive someone to a voluntary work shift - for which she will receive double pay - let her get a taxi.

She's not 'someone' SHE IS HIS MUM. She has very likely volunteered because a) There is someone at work who has kids and needs the morning off b) She has no family visiting on Christmas day anyway.

And no- Christmas is not about the kids. It's not about the presents, or about the food and drink, or about the games. IT IS supposed to be about kindness and giving and thankfulness. All the other stuff is lovely but your kids will ultimately get so much more out of being shown how to behave considerately.

whippetwoman · 14/12/2015 12:14

Of course you should not have to ferry your MIL around. It's Christmas Day and you have children!

How can anyone think YABU to say no?
Toys out of the pram? Honestly. Mumsnet is odd sometimes.
If you feel guilty you could offer to pay for the taxi but you shouldn't have to.

Original poster
MaryPoppinsPenguins · 14/12/2015 12:14

Exit - it is his Christmas too Grin

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 14/12/2015 12:15

I think it would NBU for your dh to say "no" to the lifts but equally, it would be fine for him to do it if he wants to. Just let your kids open their stocking presents and play with those until he comes.

I hope none of my children grow up to think of spending time with me as a great sacrifice on their part. You do sound mean about that.

Crabbitface · 14/12/2015 12:18

Of course you should not have to ferry your MIL around. It's Christmas Day and you have children!

No ones asking her to ferry anyone around. Her husband has agreed to give his mum a lift.

MajorClanger123 · 14/12/2015 12:18

whippetwoman I do understand the OP to an extent, its just she sounds all abit 'me me me'.... I think it was the 'giving up my boxing day' bit that sounded slightly selfish.

I have to confess I agree more with crabbitface.

CheerfulYank · 14/12/2015 12:21

I think you should compromise...have the kids open presents early and then DH drives her, but she gets a taxi back.