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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas & PIL... Sorry!

303 replies

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 14/12/2015 11:03

Me, DH, our DD's and DDog always spend Christmas with my parents. They really go all out, my siblings go, our nieces and nephews, my nan, and even our two best friends get invited. There's loads of people and games and other children to play with, and we usually go out with all the above people on Christmas Eve, go there Christmas morning, pop to PIL to give presents for a few hours, back to my mums for lunch and the rest of the day, and go there again Boxing Day with all the same people.

That sounds mean written down, but PIL have previously been invited and declined, they don't like DDog and won't have him in the house and I can't leave him for that many hours, and it's just not as fun for the children.

Last year BIL & SIL (who pop round to PIL's) at the same time as us on Christmas morning moved away, and so MIL has offered to work on Christmas morning and FIL wants us to just move 'Christmas' to Boxing Day.

That's absolutely fine by me... A small part of me was a bit insulted that without B&SIL there it isn't worth it for them, but it makes it easier for us without having to rush around in the morning. We'll miss Boxing Day stuff at my mums which is annoying, but that's life.

But yesterday MIL says to DH 'so will you get here about 7.45 on Christmas morning?' And it transpires she wants to be taken and collected from work on Christmas Day, that's leaving our house about 7.30 and not returning until about 8.45, which is when our young DD's will wake up and want to open presents, and will delay is getting to my mums to open presents with the children waiting there...

She wants to be picked up at 1.30, which means asking my mum to delay dinner by a minimum 45 mins which I just feel rude to do when she's cooking for so many people and others have made plans to come and go based on timings we always do.

It's really pissed me off that she is expecting him to do this on Christmas Day... And give up our Boxing Day. AIBU?

OP posts:
RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 14/12/2015 14:08

Jenni2Legs that is a cracking idea Xmas Grin

BlackeyedSusan · 14/12/2015 14:15

I think you sound mean about sharing out the christmases with the two sides of the family. It all seems to be about you and the bloody dog. you seem to think more of the dog than your pils. children can wait a bit for presents, it is not hours of waiting.

WicksEnd · 14/12/2015 14:15

Is it typical of her to presume she has a lift or do you think your DH offered and isn't telling you because of your reaction?

I'd ask her to get a taxi there and see if your mum will delay lunch so DH can pick her up. My Xmas dinner is always about 3/4 of an hour later than I planned anyway by the time it's all come together. No biggie for the ouch but I'd not arse about Xmas morning and would never expect anyone else to.

Anotherusername1 · 14/12/2015 14:25

PIL do not like our dog and I can't keep him locked in a bedroom all day.

Takes all sorts. Personally I would think my parents are more important, if I were your DH.

FuckingCrumbs · 14/12/2015 14:30

I think some are being a bit harsh on the OP.

It has been MIL's choice to work because SIL and BIL aren't there.
OP and her parents have repeatedly invited PIL, they have chosen not to go.
MIL now chooses to want/expect a lift to and from work at two times pretty important Christmas day, messing up both present opening in the morning and Christmas lunch.

OP, ask your DH to book a taxi for her.

Floisme · 14/12/2015 14:34

Inviting PILs is still expecting them to fit in with the op's day.

EponasWildDaughter · 14/12/2015 14:37

So it's an hour and a quarter round trip to take his mother to work. That's a big ask on xmas day morning.

However - seeing as he spends 99% of the rest of xmas at his inlaws house every single year without fail it suddenly seems less of a big ask.

OP if this routine of not seeing the inlaws much at xmas was solely down to the fact that you liked to make xmas for your children in your own house and they wouldn't come round because of the dog, then i'd be more sympathetic to you. But that isn't how it is.

Imagine this for a minute: one day if an few years you only see one of your children for an hour or so on xmas day because they are going to their boyfriends parents house. From then on they spend the rest of their lives popping in to see you for an hour and spend all 3 pf the holiday days at the boyfriends parents house because it is so much more fun there than at yours. You, of course, are welcome to join them at this boyfriends parents house. Then they marry the boyfriend - and continue to spend all their xmas' at the other parents house. You of course are welcome to start going there too .... because that's where everyone else is ..... Your child never hosts xmas at their own house. Wouldn't help anyway - you hate their dog and the dog must never be put in one room for a day.

Bit hurtful?

Sedona123 · 14/12/2015 14:38

100% what WeAllHaveWings said. Being invited to join you all at your parent's house is not an invitation to spend Christmas with you at all. You should offer to host them at your house. I have a slightly similar situation with my DSis who always spends Xmas with her In-Laws, and have invited me, DH and DS to join them. I don't want to spend Xmas with her MIL, SIL and her DC, so I always end up spending Xmas with my In-Laws instead.

MyLifeisaboxofwormgears · 14/12/2015 14:39

So, everyone, in a few years time when our kids are all grown will we be ringing them saying "you will be taking me to work on Xmas morning at 7am. Be there".

Because that's the sort of parent I'd never aspire to be - it's not a last minute request when in need, this is a direct demand/expectation that this will be done.

No, I would not expect my child to drive me to work when I had 3 weeks to arrange alternative transport.

eddiemairswife · 14/12/2015 14:41

I would think a nice quiet Boxing Day, would be a blessing after the hectic Christmas Eve and Day at your parents'. The children would get a chance to play with their new toys, and your family would probably be happy to look after the dog. As for the lifts; pay for a taxi for one or both of the journeys, and let your husband choose which one he wants to do.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/12/2015 14:44

YANBU. Your MIL is though.

Headmelt · 14/12/2015 14:45

As I read through the thread, another lot of thread(s) spring to mind. I think the op is a member of "a very very close family" Xmas WinkXmas Wink

iPaid · 14/12/2015 14:49

The fact she PRESUMED a parent with 2 young children and a busy day

How has he got a busy day? He'll be parking his backside at his PILs whilst the hostess serves his lunch. Some people don't half make a fuss about the Role of the Parents of Young Children at Yuletide.

Come on, OP, let us know you're embracing the spirit of goodwill to all MILs and allowing your DH to help his mum out.

LagunaBubbles · 14/12/2015 14:50

Sorry Laguna just saw that - not mean, honest.

Agree to disagree! I do think OP sounds very selfish regarding spending time with ILs. Enjoy your trip! Smile

iPaid · 14/12/2015 14:52

Headmelt - are you suggesting OP is a Kardasian Xmas Shock

Original poster
MaryPoppinsPenguins · 14/12/2015 14:52

Anotherusername - if I had posted an AIBU about leaving my dog alone for 12 hours or shutting him in the bedroom I'm sure I would be told I was being unreasonable! My DH worked from home for years, and then I became a SAHM... He's not used to being by himself and would bark. DH obviously thinks his parents are important, but should he put them above our neighbours listening to 12 hours of barking on Christmas Day?? On Boxing Day I'm planning to ask my mum to have him while we are at PIL as its a slightly less crazy day...

I can't remember who suggested we all go, but we can't fit a person and two car seats in the back seat, there's barely any room in the middle, so we couldn't all go.

Freezingwinter - I didn't know that some hospitals offered this. I'll ask DH, maybe she doesn't know it's on offer?

Goblin - my Christmas sounds like 'hell on earth?' Haha... Thank god you're not in my family. Spending a few days with the people you love, who are amazing with your kids, eating, drinking and having fun. Hell indeed... Hmm

No one who knows me would describe me as mean, miserable or especially self centred, but you're certainly entitled to your opinion!

I think taking her early and booking her a taxi back sounds like a great idea (I can't remember who suggested, sorry!) I'll talk to DH about it.

OP posts:
iPaid · 14/12/2015 14:53

Or even a Kardashian Xmas Grin

Original poster
MaryPoppinsPenguins · 14/12/2015 14:53

Im definitely not a Kardashian Grin

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/12/2015 14:54

"...but this gives dh and his mother a chance to see each other."

Not going to be much fun for either of them if the OP's DH is furiously resenting missing out on his children opening their presents though, is it now.

LagunaBubbles · 14/12/2015 14:54

It has been MIL's choice to work because SIL and BIL aren't there

Yes, just like it has been OPs own choice to go to her parents every single Christmas Day rather than visit ILs.

OP and her parents have repeatedly invited PIL, they have chosen not to go

True, but this is the one I have the biggest issue with, inviting people is not the same as having your family visit you in your own house.

MIL now chooses to want/expect a lift to and from work

May well be true but at no point has OP stated this - for all we know OPs DH could have originally offered to give her a lift before MIL asked about times.

Original poster
MaryPoppinsPenguins · 14/12/2015 14:57

DH didn't offer... He said he was talking about what time we should arrange to be there Boxing Day and she went on to say about being at her house Christmas morning to take her to work.

OP posts:
Freezingwinter · 14/12/2015 14:57

Yup Im a nurse I no longer work bank holidays but when I did we had to let them know a few weeks before if we needed a lift. I live 25 miles from the hospital and they'd have picked me up and dropped me home again. It's free!

Pollyputthekettleon45 · 14/12/2015 14:58

I have 2 young children and my arse hardly touches the sofa on Christmas day, and I'm not even hosting!

Original poster
MaryPoppinsPenguins · 14/12/2015 15:00

She's not a nurse though, she's support staff, does it make a difference?

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 14/12/2015 15:00

Seems very odd to me then, that she would "presume" he would give her a lift on Christmas Day - when the conversation was about Boxing Day. I dont disagree thats completely unreasonable of her.