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AIBU?

Christmas & PIL... Sorry!

303 replies

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 14/12/2015 11:03

Me, DH, our DD's and DDog always spend Christmas with my parents. They really go all out, my siblings go, our nieces and nephews, my nan, and even our two best friends get invited. There's loads of people and games and other children to play with, and we usually go out with all the above people on Christmas Eve, go there Christmas morning, pop to PIL to give presents for a few hours, back to my mums for lunch and the rest of the day, and go there again Boxing Day with all the same people.

That sounds mean written down, but PIL have previously been invited and declined, they don't like DDog and won't have him in the house and I can't leave him for that many hours, and it's just not as fun for the children.

Last year BIL & SIL (who pop round to PIL's) at the same time as us on Christmas morning moved away, and so MIL has offered to work on Christmas morning and FIL wants us to just move 'Christmas' to Boxing Day.

That's absolutely fine by me... A small part of me was a bit insulted that without B&SIL there it isn't worth it for them, but it makes it easier for us without having to rush around in the morning. We'll miss Boxing Day stuff at my mums which is annoying, but that's life.

But yesterday MIL says to DH 'so will you get here about 7.45 on Christmas morning?' And it transpires she wants to be taken and collected from work on Christmas Day, that's leaving our house about 7.30 and not returning until about 8.45, which is when our young DD's will wake up and want to open presents, and will delay is getting to my mums to open presents with the children waiting there...

She wants to be picked up at 1.30, which means asking my mum to delay dinner by a minimum 45 mins which I just feel rude to do when she's cooking for so many people and others have made plans to come and go based on timings we always do.

It's really pissed me off that she is expecting him to do this on Christmas Day... And give up our Boxing Day. AIBU?

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MaryPoppinsPenguins · 14/12/2015 11:34

She's hospital support staff so I know that theres someone who is grateful to have her swap on Christmas morning, but I don't understand why she offered when it wasn't her turn, knowing that she couldn't get there.

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MaryPoppinsPenguins · 14/12/2015 11:35

She's not denied a full day with her child or grandchildren, she's consistently invited. She chooses not to come.

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MaryPoppinsPenguins · 14/12/2015 11:36

And I think it's really unfair to ask a 2.5 and 5 year old to wait to open their presents.... They're bouncing off the walls already

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TaliZorahVasNormandy · 14/12/2015 11:37

She should have thought about how she would get there before she offered to work.

Tell her no, it's not convenient.

Crabbitface · 14/12/2015 11:38

whats shes saving on not running a car will easily cover a taxi xmas day.

Eh? What kind of logic is this? You have no idea if she can afford a taxi on Christmas day whether she is running a car or not. Nevermind that getting a taxi on Christmas day is a total nightmare.

I know there is a lot of MIL haters on mumsnet but this is ridiculous. It's really not that unreasonable to ask your SON a favour. And it's not impacting on his day that much - a couple of hours out of his whole day. The kids will be so happy with their gifts, cousins etc they won't even know he's gone.

Inertia · 14/12/2015 11:40

No, your MIL is being unreasonable by expecting everyone to drop everything to facilitate her lifts.

How about your husband offers to drop her off before the children get up- say 6.30- and she gets a taxi back?

LagunaBubbles · 14/12/2015 11:41

It's really pissed me off that she is expecting him to do this on Christmas Day... And give up our Boxing Day. AIBU?

Of course yanbu about the lift on Christmas Day, I dont get how someone could be so presumptous! As everyone says - there are taxis!

But saying about "giving up" your Boxing Day does sound a wee bit mean to me so Im guessing there must be history between you. Spending time with your ILs who are your DHs parents isnt "giving up" anything - its simply spending time with them at Christmas, especially after you have already spent Christmas Day with your own parents.

Is there a horrible back story?

ENormaSnob · 14/12/2015 11:42

Then if you cant get yourself somewhere you dont arrange it.

Bloody sick of none drivers taking the piss tbh.

I dont pay over 1k per annum to run a car in order to save other people the cost of public transport.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 14/12/2015 11:44

If you (or your DH) said to her "we'll get back to you" then you do just that. If your DH didn't intervene and say "Mum, that's when the kids get up so it's not possible" then you'll have to take the reins on this one.

When you do, say DH & I have chatted about your request MIL, that's just not going to be possible on Christmas morning. Neither of us can collect & drop you to work and then collect you from work and drop you home again, it's just not possible".

There has to be someone else travelling in her general direction and then on to where she works that could offer her a lift. Alternatively, there are bound to be taxi drivers out there on Christmas morning and again in the afternoon that she can use.

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 14/12/2015 11:47

But 'giving up our boxing day' is a nice thing? They've been invited to my parents, but have declined. Boxing Day will be like another Christmas Day at my parents where my children will have other children to play with and see their cousins etc, but obviously we want to see PIL too so we're happy to accommodate them. It was this plus the Christmas lifts that seemed like it was taking the piss.

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MaryPoppinsPenguins · 14/12/2015 11:47

Sorry, that was to Laguna.

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BadlyBehavedShoppingTrolley · 14/12/2015 11:48

I don't think she should have assumed your DH would be ferrying her to and from work but I think you are being incredibly unreasonable by sidelining your DH's parents every single year to spend Christmas Eve, Christmas Day AND Boxing Day with your family, while his parents get a token visit for a couple of hours. What the hell? And just because your parents have invited them along in the past does NOT justify what you are doing.

You were right about one thing though - your husband has no backbone.

G1veMeStrength · 14/12/2015 11:49

TBH it sounds mad expecting your children to take you to work... but then again it also sounds pretty U to expect to have Christmas all about 'your' family and seeing ILs as an inconvenience.

I'd probably just make sure you open the presents before 7.30, which given the age of your DC, shouldn't be a problem really. Later, if your DH is missing for a bit of Christmas lunch so be it but I'd carry on regardless for that part of the day, wouldn't change timings etc based on one person.

MizK · 14/12/2015 11:49

YANBU.
You sound like you do your best to be considerate of her and she is being very inconsiderate of your DH who has small children and a wife he wants to spend the day with. The fact that he gives lifts at other times shows he is willing to help her and shoukd be appreciated rather than taken advantage of.

Crabbitface · 14/12/2015 11:50

If her husband has already then op should NOT take the reigns.... if her husband has already agreed to help out his mum on Christmas day then open just needs to suck it up.

Crabbitface · 14/12/2015 11:50

Bloody kindle auto correct....

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 14/12/2015 11:50

My husband prefers to spend Christmas with my family. One of my brothers is his best friend (that's how we met..) and DB's children are his godchildren. My parents also invite DH & my best friends as they are both without parents or DC... He doesn't begrudgingly spend it with my family, he loves it.

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MaryPoppinsPenguins · 14/12/2015 11:53

And MIL doesn't cook Christmas lunch, or play games.. Its about TV and a tin of roses. It's not that much different than a normal weekend day in their house. That's their choice of course, but if I was a child I know where I would rather be!

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Crabbitface · 14/12/2015 11:54

It does not sound like you are being considerate towards her. You say she is always "invited" so Christmas and boxing day are always on your terms. Then you say that this year you are happy to "accommodate" her - like you are doing her a favour.

Chrysanthemum5 · 14/12/2015 11:55

I think it's actually pretty mean to say that your PILs have turned down the chance to have Christmas with their GCs because all you've done is offer them the chance to join in your parents Christmas. What did you do before the DCs? Did you alternate Christmas? Or has it always been at your parents house?

Your MIL is being unreasonable about the lift, but maybe she has offered to swap and let someone with young children have the day off?

Crabbitface · 14/12/2015 11:57

I appreciate that it's perhaps not as much fun for your kids to be at hers for Christmas - and they won't be and she's not pressuring anyone to spend Christmas with her...she asked her son for a lift.

TheBouquets · 14/12/2015 11:57

I would take a stranger to work on Christmas Day especially if their job was one which is a necessary occupation, such as police fire ambulance, hospital staff etc.
Perhaps the PILs do not want to spend time with people who are so self centred that nothing must interfere with their plans year after year. Volunteering to work Christmas day says so much more about MIL than people who want their own way for 3 days solid at a time of supposed goodwill to all men (including MILs)

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MaryPoppinsPenguins · 14/12/2015 11:58

But my children will be at hers for Boxing Day... Which is another Christmas Day at my parents.

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MummaV · 14/12/2015 12:00

YANBU in not taking her to/from work. She offered to work because she wasn't seeing anyone on Christmas day, therefore was well aware that you had other plans and that she didn't want to be involved despite being invited.

You are seeing them on boxing day as mutually agreed and that is it.

Your DH needs to tell his mum she'll need to book a taxi, end of. Taking her to work does not fit around the plans you already have that she didn't want to be part of.

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 14/12/2015 12:00

TheBouquets - do you want to take my MIL?

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