Christmas & PIL... Sorry!

[MaryPoppinsPenguins]

Me, DH, our DD's and DDog always spend Christmas with my parents. They really go all out, my siblings go, our nieces and nephews, my nan, and even our two best friends get invited. There's loads of people and games and other children to play with, and we usually go out with all the above people on Christmas Eve, go there Christmas morning, pop to PIL to give presents for a few hours, back to my mums for lunch and the rest of the day, and go there again Boxing Day with all the same people.

That sounds mean written down, but PIL have previously been invited and declined, they don't like DDog and won't have him in the house and I can't leave him for that many hours, and it's just not as fun for the children.

Last year BIL & SIL (who pop round to PIL's) at the same time as us on Christmas morning moved away, and so MIL has offered to work on Christmas morning and FIL wants us to just move 'Christmas' to Boxing Day.

That's absolutely fine by me... A small part of me was a bit insulted that without B&SIL there it isn't worth it for them, but it makes it easier for us without having to rush around in the morning. We'll miss Boxing Day stuff at my mums which is annoying, but that's life.

But yesterday MIL says to DH 'so will you get here about 7.45 on Christmas morning?' And it transpires she wants to be taken and collected from work on Christmas Day, that's leaving our house about 7.30 and not returning until about 8.45, which is when our young DD's will wake up and want to open presents, and will delay is getting to my mums to open presents with the children waiting there...

She wants to be picked up at 1.30, which means asking my mum to delay dinner by a minimum 45 mins which I just feel rude to do when she's cooking for so many people and others have made plans to come and go based on timings we always do.

It's really pissed me off that she is expecting him to do this on Christmas Day... And give up our Boxing Day. AIBU?

[MajorClanger123]

YY to cheerfulyank - can you compromise slightly and do this? Although it sounds like you've already compromised re: boxing day....do it this year, then explain you can't be doing lifts etc next year?

[nilbyname]

Yanbu! Your mil will have to get a taxi- she's been quite controlling IMO!

[Brytte]

It does sound a bit bizarre that she expects her DS to give her a lift to her work on Christmas day. If she's not being purposely manipulative and is otherwise a nice person, I'd be accommodating about this. It is easy to shift around your day slightly so she can get to her job. Your DC could get up earlier and open all their presents before your DH leaves or open a few presents before he leaves and do the rest when he gets back or watch some Christmas TV first thing and wait for him to return. They'll survive. Starting christmas dinner later than 2pm isn't that unusual in other people's households. Do your BIL and SIL normally take her to work on Christmas day when she's worked it in the past?

Your usual christmas-fest does sound a bit full-on.

[MyLifeisaboxofwormgears]

I don't think just because you pushed out a baby a few years ago and it has grown up entitles you to demand they give you a lift to your work on Xmas day.

She isn't ill - she is going to work.

[Katastrophe13]

I think it's a bit unreasonable of her to ask for the lift in. Considering the age of your kids it would be a nightmare making them wait till DH is back before opening them. I think he could pick her up and just be late for lunch or your family delay by half hour while he does it? Seems like a fair compromise...

[SlaggyIsland]

I see the contrarians are out in force today.
OP your MIL is being ridiculous.

[Ragwort]

It's all about the children, as Christmas should be - does anyone else just hate that expression? No wonder so many children are entitled brats.
Everyone should be able to enjoy Christmas.

Agree with CheerfulYank - there must be some sort of compromise you can reach - your DH can give his mother a lift, the children can 'stagger' opening their presents and perhaps you can book and treat her to the taxi back?

[MajorClanger123]

I'm worrying about your FIL now - is he just going to sit on his own all morning on Christmas day whilst your MIL is at work?!! Perhaps he doesnt mind?!

I wonder whether your DH didnt really think through the finer points of christmas day - he agreed to give her a lift but didnt realise it would impact on everything else....the kids being up and mega excited, the later lunch etc. Bummer is, now he's offered and she's committed to work, its hard to back out of it.

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

Honestly - I would just get DH to book a taxi each way and pay for it. Then he can tell her it's all arranged so she doesn't have to worry about it.

If it's hundreds, then I'd get DH to compromise and agree to the drop off but she needs to get a taxi home. He can't be that rude to your mum on Christmas Day.

Shame they are not interested in joining in. That would make life much easier. Must be intimidating though.

[Ragwort]

It's not a 'nightmare' for children to have to delay waiting to open presents, just hide some and don't make such a big deal about a mountain of presents.

[Crabbitface]

don't think just because you pushed out a baby a few years ago and it has grown up entitles you to demand they give you a lift to your work on Xmas day.

You are a delight. At no point does OP say that MIL DEMANDED anything.

Yanbu! Your mil will have to get a taxi- she's been quite controlling IMO!

Eh? Because she asked for a lift? And it's not controlling to expect Christmas day to be exactly the way you want it year in year out with absolutely no deviations?

I see the contrarians are out in force today

Because I don't agree that the MIL is a ridiculous, unreasonable, controlling, entitled old brat for asking her son for a lift. I'm not being contrary, I'm being right.

[juneau]

I don't think you're being U at all. She volunteered to work, so she should be prepared to arrange her own transport to and from work. She chooses not to be involved with the celebrations she's invited to and you're spending Boxing Day with her and FIL, so I don't see any reason why your DH should be her taxi service on Christmas Day. She sounds like an entitled PITA to me.

[CheerfulYank]

Yes Ragwort! I love making Christmas fun and special for my DC but....it isn't all about them. I let their birthday be centered on them and a very special day, but Christmas is for everyone. I don't get the "holidays are all about the kids" attitude.

[RaptorInaPorkPieHat]

Assuming your MIL isn't working on her own, surely she could ask at work for a lift off someone else who's working too.

I think they're a little unreasonable given they had told you that they only wanted to see you on boxing day and are now changing it somewhat.

CheerfulYank has a good idea though. I don't think it would be that big a deal to postpone the present unwrapping. We always had to wait for gran to arrive before we opened ours (10am) we were allowed to pick one and open it when we got up to keep us occupied.

[olbas]

Am I the only one wanting to know why MajorClanger123 Mil was crying and what the row was about in the kitchen

Mary Can your Dh take his mum in say for 7am and she can sit in the staff room and sing "All by myself" until it's time for her shift. She can then get a taxi back.

[Katastrophe13]

Mine would be a nightmare if he had to wait to open presents. Even if there was only. He would go onnnnnn and onnnnnn and onnnnnnn and onnnnnnnnnnnnn. Who wants that on Christmas Day.

[momb]

There must be a way to compromise. It won't hurt the DCs to wait a little before opening presents so plan a yummy breakfast and let them open their stockings until he gets home.

The lunch delay is more of an imposition IMO because it affects the whole gang instead of just you, so how about you and your DH book her a taxi to get her home at lunch time?

I'd just do it or encourage DH to do it myself but I would, like you, be a bit irritated that the schedule was upset somewhat. ....but, really, it isn't that big a deal and it is Christmas and it is his Mum.

[MissingPanda]

The OP has a dog that cannot be left alone all day. The PIL won't have the dog in there house, fair enough, but that means they won't have the OP and family there all day either.

OP I don't think that UABU but maybe a compromise of your DH taking his mum (the kids will probably be up earlier anyway) and MIL getting a taxi home.

I'm a support worker. Last year I had to pay £30+ for a taxi to work on Boxing Day because I don't drive, that's life.

[DinosaursRoar]

Solve the problem now, call up a taxi company, book a taxi there and back for her, arrange to pay it in advance (consider it part of the cost of christmas this year), present it to your MIL as a done deal, "oh MIL, we looked at the timings you needed a lift to and from work and it just wouldn't work for us, but we didn't want to leave you stranded so we've arranged X taxi firm to collect you at Y time and then Z time at work, and pre-paid it for you so you have nothing to worry about." Deliver with a big smile.

However, I would say that you do need to think that inviting her and FIL to join your parent's christmas (when they will be just 2 of a large number of guests, and probably getting very little of their DS and DGCs attention) is very different to inviting them to spend the day just with you or you going to them. It is not the same at all so effectively you have never offered to spend christmas day just with DH's family. DH might be happy with that choice, but don't kid yourself that an invite to your mums is in any way comparable to spending it with them.

You aren't "Giving up boxing day" you are being fair to spend some of the season with your PIL. You have been rather unfair for years not giving them more than a couple of hours rather than ever having a full day.

[littlewoollypervert]

Book taxis for her as her Christmas present.

Tell her your DH will be having a couple of drinks Christmas Eve so won't be safe to drive in the morning, and that he will have wine with dinner, so ditto for the evening lift.

[Crabbitface]

....or maybe ask your husband how feels about booking a taxi. Given that it is HIS mum and he might actually WANT to help her out.

[Sparkletastic]

Book her a taxi as an extra Christmas gift.

[DinosaursRoar]

Goblin - to be fair, i'd be pretty pissed off as the OP's Mum to be trying to coordinate cooking for 10+ people and just be expected to change all the timings to fit in my Dd's DH wanting to go run an errand for his mum. It would be very rude of the OP to ask her mum to change the time of lunch and keep everyone waiting.

But a taxi paid for by the OP would be a perfectly good solution.

And next year, inviting the PIL to yours, giving them a turn if they want it, assuming the dog is perfectly safe and they aren't allergic, just say no, the dog won't be locked up all day. Ask them nice an early, if they say no, then go to OP's parents with no guilty concious, but it would be kind to spend some time with PIL even if they aren't as much fun. (and as boxing day at the OP's parents house is another big day, the DCs will still get that crazy big day the day after)

[SlaggyIsland]

GoblinLittleOwl that's a bit harsh! I don't see that the OP has said anything mean at all.
I'm not a big fan of family Christmasses but many people are and it's obviously special to OP and her family. By contrast the PIL Christmas sounds extremely un-Christmassy, and the dog isn't welcome, so it's not like she's just avoiding them to be horrible.
Goodwill to all men indeed.