Christmas & PIL... Sorry!

[MaryPoppinsPenguins]

Me, DH, our DD's and DDog always spend Christmas with my parents. They really go all out, my siblings go, our nieces and nephews, my nan, and even our two best friends get invited. There's loads of people and games and other children to play with, and we usually go out with all the above people on Christmas Eve, go there Christmas morning, pop to PIL to give presents for a few hours, back to my mums for lunch and the rest of the day, and go there again Boxing Day with all the same people.

That sounds mean written down, but PIL have previously been invited and declined, they don't like DDog and won't have him in the house and I can't leave him for that many hours, and it's just not as fun for the children.

Last year BIL & SIL (who pop round to PIL's) at the same time as us on Christmas morning moved away, and so MIL has offered to work on Christmas morning and FIL wants us to just move 'Christmas' to Boxing Day.

That's absolutely fine by me... A small part of me was a bit insulted that without B&SIL there it isn't worth it for them, but it makes it easier for us without having to rush around in the morning. We'll miss Boxing Day stuff at my mums which is annoying, but that's life.

But yesterday MIL says to DH 'so will you get here about 7.45 on Christmas morning?' And it transpires she wants to be taken and collected from work on Christmas Day, that's leaving our house about 7.30 and not returning until about 8.45, which is when our young DD's will wake up and want to open presents, and will delay is getting to my mums to open presents with the children waiting there...

She wants to be picked up at 1.30, which means asking my mum to delay dinner by a minimum 45 mins which I just feel rude to do when she's cooking for so many people and others have made plans to come and go based on timings we always do.

It's really pissed me off that she is expecting him to do this on Christmas Day... And give up our Boxing Day. AIBU?

leopard why is you making children do what you want any different to the OP allowing hers to do what she wants? You're talking bollocks.

OP, I wonder how you would feel if in the future both of your children decide to spend EVERY Christmas with their in-laws?

FFS. Agree with those saying this thread is getting ridiculous. The OP has offered to have her PIL over and host. She has offered to have them join the big Christmas at her DPs. And until this year, the standing arrangement was for the OP & DH to spend Christmas morning at the PILs.

I'm no fan of MIL bashing but can we stop the pity party for this one please?? She has turned down just about every possible option and then has cancelled the Christmas morning arrangement in favour of working. She is not sitting around crying into her Christmas tree about this.

"The OPs Christmas is my idea of hell."

Well, good for you. I can think of nothing worse than going to the beach on Christmas morning either. Each to their own. Which is kind of the point.

God, the number of times I've read on MN that people should have the Christmas they want and not always succumb to other people's wishes. Yet on this thread, apparently the OP should be thrilled at the prospect of sitting in front of the TV all day eating Roses boak with people who, by their own admission, can take or leave Christmas.

ProcrastinatorGeneral - you are absolutely right, thank you. I apologise to you and the OP for being such a hyprocrite - thanks (sincerely) for putting me straight!!

Sushi, MIL got what she wanted which was to rearrange Christmas day.

She is the one who decided not to have OPs family over as usual.

Not to mention declining two different invites to be with them all.

Think we have missed a trick here. Dh and dc go out to take MIL to work and see if they can spot FC heading home while you relax in the bed/ bath and enjoy a lie in. damn projecting my ideal Christmas morning again

YANBU and I'm shocked at those that say the OP is U. They had made plans to see PIL on Christmas morning but PIL cancelled! Your MIL sounds extremely selfish - she wants to spoil Christmas morning for your DH. Tell her to get a bloody taxi.

I'm a MIL and Gran and I would feel quite uncomfortable being invited to my SIL/DIL's parents house as a sort of "compromise" - especially if it became clear over several years that my child preferred their spouse's family at Christmas.

That wouldn't make me feel hurt or anything...

I seriously doubt if the DHs parents literally just sit in front of the TV with a tin of Roses - I think that's poetic licence and they just have a quieter time than the mayhem fun-filled shenanigans at OPs parents house.

Plus - the OP stated there were all these people at her folks who could help with the children so that she "gets a break". I'll bet that's what she really likes best

I can't believe that the op is still getting a roasting! This is madness!

op fundamentally it's up to your Dh to say yes or no, but I think your mil is at best thinking it's no big to deal to ask for a lift, at worst she's throwing her toys out the Pram and

I actually don't think it is that big a deal to ask for a lift TBH.

The world will still turn on its axis and, good grief, I'm amazed at a 2 and 5 year old not waking until 8.45am on Christmas morning because at that age mine would have been up at about 6.30am opening their stuff leaving plenty of time for Dad to watch it all then go off and give a lift!

Salmontrutta - my PIL get on great with my parents. We've all been on holiday together and go out to eat together often, plus every birthday / christening / wedding they usually sit together. I would really be surprised if my parents made them uncomfortable.

DH's parents like quiet, and they like peace. I get that, and actually, they do plan their to schedule for the day by plussing films and putting entertainment shows and the Christmas soaps on the planner... (And they do eat roses!) by comparison, our Christmas is not mayhem, it's magical. And I don't go 'to get a break'... I love to see all the people in my children's lives that they don't get to see everyday playing together... It's lovely to watch your 20 year old brother build a frozen castle for your child, and your best friends read your 2 year old a book they bought her. I spend most of the day helping my mum, asking people if they want drinks, letting dogs in and out and following my youngest around. But you can take my words anyway you want to.

DH and I have had a chat about it, and he doesn't want to go and get her. This is the first year our youngest (who has some issues) will potentially get excited about Christmas and we're so excited because it wasn't long ago they thought she might not even speak. But we're going to take a suggestion from here and he's going to ask MIL if she can go early, so he can be back by the time they wake up. And my mum can't push dinner much because of DBro3's girlfriend leaving afterwards, so we're going to ask her if she minds us booking her a taxi.

Salmontrutta- they won't wake up at 8.45... That's when he'll be back. If he goes at regular time they'll wake up and want to open presents while he's gone...

I would tell her that you can take her in at 6.30 as you need to be home for gift opening at 7.45. So an hour early.

I would also tell her that you can collect her after the meal (not mid meal as you will be eating) but it will most likely be 3.

It might be better for her to get a taxi or get a lift from a colleague. Maybe she could ask around as there must be others traveling at that time.

It's perfectly fine for her to dislike being with the dog and to ban him from the house.

"It's perfectly fine for her to dislike being with the dog and to ban him from the house." Sure, but then she has to expect that that is going to deter some people from visiting.

We have a couple of possibilities for NYE. One offer is from friends who loathe dogs (fair enough) so we would have to leave him home alone for an unacceptable length of time (and he's used to being alone for certain periods). The other potential invitation is from friends who love the dog and are happy for him to come along (and snooze under the table while we eat). Guess where we'll go?

Op even if she does "mind" getting a taxi home make sure he presents it as her only choice.
Mum I will take you to work but the only way it will work for me is that I have to be back by x o'clock so we have to leave at y o'clock. Otherwise I am unable to do it.
I cannot come back to pick you up as it does not work for me. You will need to arrange a lift or book a taxi that's up to you.
Rinse and repeat.
Get him to make it clear that if she isn't ready by what ever time he needs to leave at in the morning he will go back home. Also make it clear that if any of the above doesn't work for he she can make her own arrangements.

Good gravy this thread is odd!

the number of times I've read on MN that people should have the Christmas they want and not always succumb to other people's wishes. Yet on this thread, apparently the OP should be thrilled at the prospect of sitting in front of the TV all day eating Roses boak with people who, by their own admission, can take or leave Christmas.

This ^^

MN is usually ALL ABOUT it being Christmas for the kiddos and not doing things JUST BECAUSE someone else expects it.

But on this thread the OP has pretty young DC, so fully in the thick of the magic of Santa and the excitement. She's been turned down snubbed for the usual traditional arrangement of the day once her SIL & BIL weren't going too dysfunctional family, less favoured sibling in her DH and has rearranged arrangements anyway willingly, she has a dog to think of who's not welcome at ILs but he should be trained/cured of separation anxiety in 10 days!!, and an whole extended family she's lunching with and is not in control of the catering arrangements to inconvenience if her DH agrees to give his mother a lift special snowflakes expecting the world to revolve around them.

I think some people are just reading way too much into the wishes and feelings of the ILs. If you have been invited to celebrate the day with your DC and DIL and DGC, why does it matter if you've been invited to their house or the house they'll be celebrating it at, in terms of hospitality and being made welcome? Is it not bloody Christmas if she doesn't roast the turkey herself? considers all the faux pas of years gone by

Blimey. Enjoy Christmas, OP. Hope you get it sorted!

I'm a MIL and a granny, I dont give two hoots about where my adult children go on Christmas day, there childrens Christmases are for them because I've had my fair share of mine.

I'm also quite happy to sit around watching Christmas TV doing bugger all else damn shame I can't because I also have a couple of small children as well so I have to play trains and BASTARDING peppa pig shit play sets.

Sometimes I do have to work on Christmas day and no way would I be asking any of them to interrupt their close family time to ferry me about!

I love the sound of Midnite's Christmas too - sounds heavenly (& very grown up!). I'm having serious Christmas envy here

Good luck Op - hope it's an ok conversation & doesn't leave a sour taste for anyone.

I think some people are just reading way too much into the wishes and feelings of the ILs.

I guess this is the crux of it, op. I disagree about the 'way too much' bit but I do see this more from your in laws point of view and I feel for them. I think it must be hard, knowing nothing you ever do can hold a candle to the house of fun.

I am asking myself how I would feel if my son made it abundantly clear every Christmas that he preferred to be elsewhere and if his wife bought me a nice bag but then belittled me behind my back.

I do hope I would keep my feelings and opinions to myself - this I think, is your mother in law's mistake. But I still would be sad and hurt about it.

Still it looks as if you have found a solution so all is well. Merry Christmas one and all.

Sounds like you're all getting somewhere OP It makes it easier now you know that DP doesn't want to give a lift. If he's feeling generous then offer to take her in early so he is back for stocking opening, then a straight no for the lift home.

Theres no benefit for him booing a taxi over your mil, simpler if she does it if she requies one. You also wont have to get emotionally involved in her travel home issues. Hopefully she was just asking and knows its a big ask.Is she doesnt then its a good idea to have your clear plan and boundaries before calling..

If she agrees at going early but then isn't ready when dh arrives what will he do then?

I'm not really sure why you are getting a hard time here OP .

Your MIL chose to work, cancelled Christmas morning with you all and expects your DH to potentially miss seeing his children open their presents. This in itself is very entitled. She may well be making a stand because your DH prefers to spend it with your family, but this in itself is very childish.

I think that your solution sounds good and agree with berth. Don't ask her if it is ok to do X,y and z but tell he this is what will happen.

Agree that the OP had been given an insanely hard time. TBH most of the information is irrelevant. The point is, Christmas was arranged, MIL then asks for lifts on Christmas Day for a day she has chosen to do, this distrusting arrangements and taking a dad away from his kids on Christmas morning. That is BU.

OP what has your DH decided/told his mother?

I think your plan (taking her early and taxi home) is more than fair enough.
Your DH is doing his bit and needn't feel bad about that at all.

Once the Dc hear him get up and go though, they will be up!