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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas & PIL... Sorry!

303 replies

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 14/12/2015 11:03

Me, DH, our DD's and DDog always spend Christmas with my parents. They really go all out, my siblings go, our nieces and nephews, my nan, and even our two best friends get invited. There's loads of people and games and other children to play with, and we usually go out with all the above people on Christmas Eve, go there Christmas morning, pop to PIL to give presents for a few hours, back to my mums for lunch and the rest of the day, and go there again Boxing Day with all the same people.

That sounds mean written down, but PIL have previously been invited and declined, they don't like DDog and won't have him in the house and I can't leave him for that many hours, and it's just not as fun for the children.

Last year BIL & SIL (who pop round to PIL's) at the same time as us on Christmas morning moved away, and so MIL has offered to work on Christmas morning and FIL wants us to just move 'Christmas' to Boxing Day.

That's absolutely fine by me... A small part of me was a bit insulted that without B&SIL there it isn't worth it for them, but it makes it easier for us without having to rush around in the morning. We'll miss Boxing Day stuff at my mums which is annoying, but that's life.

But yesterday MIL says to DH 'so will you get here about 7.45 on Christmas morning?' And it transpires she wants to be taken and collected from work on Christmas Day, that's leaving our house about 7.30 and not returning until about 8.45, which is when our young DD's will wake up and want to open presents, and will delay is getting to my mums to open presents with the children waiting there...

She wants to be picked up at 1.30, which means asking my mum to delay dinner by a minimum 45 mins which I just feel rude to do when she's cooking for so many people and others have made plans to come and go based on timings we always do.

It's really pissed me off that she is expecting him to do this on Christmas Day... And give up our Boxing Day. AIBU?

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 14/12/2015 15:43

Flo, I really should get back to work! Grin

Floisme · 14/12/2015 15:45

Me too, Laguna That's another two hours of my life gone forever Grin

DinosaursRoar · 14/12/2015 17:09

OP - call round a couple of taxi firms, find out how much it would be and if they have taxis available. Then suggest to DH that you book it for his mum and pre-pay it so he doesn't feel guilty about not giving her a lift, as he's still got her to/from work (if that makes sense).

OTiTO · 14/12/2015 17:12

OP, I think you are being mean and controlling. Why don't you tell your DH to do whatever he wants and that you will fit in with it. It's his Mum why don't you let him decide all by himself.

It doesn't matter that she is 'support staff' and not a nurse. Hospitals still need support staff on Xmas day Confused

Headmelt · 14/12/2015 17:13

Good to see so many understand the true meaning of Christmas Confused. It really is a lottery for the mums of sons, they nearly always draw the shortest straw.
Op it is so selfish to monopolise EVERY Christmas for the three main days (Christmas eve, Christmas Day and boxing Day) and use your children as an excuse. What if one of your parents needed a favour, would you have to ask permission from your dh before agreeing?

Original poster
MaryPoppinsPenguins · 14/12/2015 17:13

Where did I say she wasn't needed because she was support staff?? Please, don't let facts get in the way of your argument !

OP posts:
OTiTO · 14/12/2015 17:18

Sorry, I misread your comment about whether her being support staff rather than a nurse made a difference. Blush Blush

I still think you are being mean though Sad

Original poster
MaryPoppinsPenguins · 14/12/2015 17:28

Okay, how am I being mean?

I'm annoyed that my DH may miss his two very young, believing, DD's open their presents because of the timing of his mothers favour. If that wasn't enough, he also has been asked to potentially miss or delay dinner to collect her.

To recap, this came about because we are clearly not good enough for MIL to hang around for anyway! The prospect of no BIL & SIL made her ask to work, with no regards for how we would feel?

To accommodate her plans, we have changed ours, and will now inconvenience several people and spend Boxing Day with PIL.

I think it's A Bit Much to not only expect us to do this, (which we were happy to do!) but also to ask DH to leave us on the two best parts of Christmas Day anyway.

But yes. I am very mean.

OP posts:
GiraffesAndButterflies · 14/12/2015 17:35

So the OP and her DH have invited PIL to theirs: declined. Offered to go to PILs on Christmas Day: declined. Offered for PIL to go to OP's parents: declined.

MIL, having previously told the OP not to come on Christmas Day, then assumes without asking that her DH will be available on Christmas Day to take her to work.

Of course YANBU, OP. Regardless of whether PIL are happy with your arrangements year-on-year (and they presumably wouldn't turn you down quite so much if they did actually want to see you), they can't cancel established plans to see you on Christmas morning and then assume you'll be free anyway, at two different times, for taxi duty. That's just completely contradictory of her.

nocabbageinmyeye · 14/12/2015 17:35

Yanbu for all of the reasons you just outlined.

But you need to act fast and tell her too, fair is fair, the longer you leave it the worse it will be

GiraffesAndButterflies · 14/12/2015 17:36

X-post OP!

OTiTO · 14/12/2015 17:48

You are determined to make it sound like it's completely impossible for your DH to do this favour for his Mum when it needn't be a problem at all.

I think there are lots of young believing DCs who are asked to wait a little before opening their presents. If they are too young to understand that their Dad is doing their granny a favour and you need to wait for him to return then just give them a few stocking fillers to occupy them for a little while.

I also don't think it's a big deal for lunch to start a tiny bit later than planned and for you DH to miss the start. Does you family really start Xmas lunch at an exact time Confused

If your DH wants to help her out then I can't see why it's such a big problem for you.

Krampus · 14/12/2015 17:49

I would leave it up to your husband to work out and say yes or no.

I'm sure he has the capability to work out what times he would have to leave and decide if it's all posible.. He can decide to take mil in earlier, or at the right time and risk mising the stocking opening, or enjoy longer in bed.

He can drop you at your parents, then head back off again. He can ask your parents if the meal be delayed for 20 mins, or accept that he many be late and everyone half way through their food, or help arange a taxi, or tell his mum no.

Fwiw I don't think you sound mean. You do see his parents for a few hours every Christmas Day, they don't do Christmas lunch, they don't want your dog around which maes it impossble to spend a day there. We usually only see my inlaws for a few hours on Christmas Day, I thought that was loads of time, we very rarely see my parents at all on the 25th.

MistressMerryWeather · 14/12/2015 17:54

You are not being mean.

It's not a big deal for her to get a taxi. She is a mother and must remember how Christmas morning goes.

Your DH needs to be the one to sort it though.

clam · 14/12/2015 18:03

I think you're getting a hard time on here, MaryPoppins. You do not have to justify your preferred family arrangements for Christmas to anyone on here. Some helpful posters have suggested a couple of possible ways forward. Hope it works out well for you all. Xmas Smile

DinosaursRoar · 14/12/2015 18:05

OTiTO - no, it's not impossible for her DH to do the favour, it'll just mean he has to mess about everyone else to accomodate it. And it's not something that only DH can do, as there are taxi firms.

I would look at the prices and booking it yourselves so DH doesn't feel guilty about saying no, giving him an alternative (he might be in the mindset "mum can't get a lift from anyone else, there's no buses, if I don't do it, she's going ot be stuck" without thinking "I could pay for a taxi"), but if he does want to do this favour for his mum, I don't think you should ask your Mum and the huge number of extended family to all wait/change their plans to fit it in. If he misses the start of lunch, so be it. (particularly as he's given an option of booking a taxi for her)

Berthatydfil · 14/12/2015 18:10

Am I the only one who is a bit Xmas Shock at all the suggestions that op pays for the taxi.
Why should they do that ? Mil offered to work without knowing how she would get to and from work. Who does that ???
I'm assuming she will get double or triple time pay with possibly a day off in lieu so £££ and pp are saying the OP should pay the taxi fare, why?????
Assuming there's no transport on offer from
The hospital I would offer to take her earlier than she wants and delay the dc opening their presents. However I would decline to do the return journey and suggest she try's to get a lift or books a taxi which she pays for.

CFSsucks · 14/12/2015 18:20

YANBU.

Phone MIL and tell her the lifts don't work for anyone on Christmas day except herself and if she wants to work then she will have to book herself a taxi (and pay for it).

She chose it, she sorts it out. I am assuming we are talking about a fully functioning adult here who has got through life without being run around after constantly.

Giving her a lift messes up your husbands morning with his children, picking her up messes up many other people's dinner. No way would this be happening and I certainly wouldn't be paying for it.

I also didn't miss the point that your DH actually prefers Christmas at your family's given he spent 2 there before you were even together! (I am assuming this was his choice and he wasnt forced to kn anyway shape or form) I wish people would actually read the words that are on the screen instead of making shit up.

MistressMerryWeather · 14/12/2015 18:31

I think those saying 'Oh just make the children wait' are forgetting their ages. They are very young.

I don't pander to my DSs but asking a five and two year old to just 'wait' on Christmas morning will be a big ask and could lead to (completely unnecessary) upset.

Where as MIL getting a taxi won't upset anyone.

It was her choice to change things because BIL and DIL wouldn't be there this year.

Andylion · 14/12/2015 18:32

To recap, this came about because we are clearly not good enough for MIL to hang around for anyway! The prospect of no BIL & SIL made her ask to work, with no regards for how we would feel?

OP, this is the aspect of it all that makes you sound a bit mean. It seems that both of your PiL's children "pop around" to their place on Christmas Day; perhaps they wanted more? Maybe now that only one family will be around they are trying to maximize their time by having a proper visit on Boxing Day? You say they are not really into Christmas, have you thought of offering to help with a special dinner? Bringing along a board game that everyone can play? Even a special family dvd you could all watch together could be fun.

I do think the ride on Christmas morning is bizarre and I also think the idea must have come from somewhere.

itsmine · 14/12/2015 18:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

iPaid · 14/12/2015 18:57

OP - why did you bother asking random strangers if you're being unreasonable? You are but you don't want to hear otherwise.

MistressMerryWeather · 14/12/2015 19:00

Ipaid, you may think the OP is being U but lots of people don't

I think she is being perfectly reasonable.

Original poster
MaryPoppinsPenguins · 14/12/2015 19:04

Itsmine - I don't think they're nasty descriptions and I am certainly not full of myself... MIL and FIL prefer a day watching TV, eating chocolates and relaxing on the sofa... I prefer a house full of people and lots of activity but that doesn't mean it's better, just different. But! Infinitely more fun for a 5 and 2 year old! Wink

OP posts:
OSETmum · 14/12/2015 19:04

Tbh I think booking and paying for her taxi is really patronising! She's a grown woman, presumably not elderly as still working, who has a wage coming in.

As a compromise, I'd offer to take her in nice and early but say she needs to get a taxi home as you'll be eating at that time.