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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas & PIL... Sorry!

303 replies

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 14/12/2015 11:03

Me, DH, our DD's and DDog always spend Christmas with my parents. They really go all out, my siblings go, our nieces and nephews, my nan, and even our two best friends get invited. There's loads of people and games and other children to play with, and we usually go out with all the above people on Christmas Eve, go there Christmas morning, pop to PIL to give presents for a few hours, back to my mums for lunch and the rest of the day, and go there again Boxing Day with all the same people.

That sounds mean written down, but PIL have previously been invited and declined, they don't like DDog and won't have him in the house and I can't leave him for that many hours, and it's just not as fun for the children.

Last year BIL & SIL (who pop round to PIL's) at the same time as us on Christmas morning moved away, and so MIL has offered to work on Christmas morning and FIL wants us to just move 'Christmas' to Boxing Day.

That's absolutely fine by me... A small part of me was a bit insulted that without B&SIL there it isn't worth it for them, but it makes it easier for us without having to rush around in the morning. We'll miss Boxing Day stuff at my mums which is annoying, but that's life.

But yesterday MIL says to DH 'so will you get here about 7.45 on Christmas morning?' And it transpires she wants to be taken and collected from work on Christmas Day, that's leaving our house about 7.30 and not returning until about 8.45, which is when our young DD's will wake up and want to open presents, and will delay is getting to my mums to open presents with the children waiting there...

She wants to be picked up at 1.30, which means asking my mum to delay dinner by a minimum 45 mins which I just feel rude to do when she's cooking for so many people and others have made plans to come and go based on timings we always do.

It's really pissed me off that she is expecting him to do this on Christmas Day... And give up our Boxing Day. AIBU?

OP posts:
janethegirl2 · 14/12/2015 21:52

YANBU OP, not at all.

It would help if some pp read the thread though.

Marilynsbigsister · 14/12/2015 22:02

Take a breadth OP. You are doing absolutely nothing wrong. You are going to your parents where you and your family will have fun for all the right reasons. Your ILs are invited but choose not to go. They are grown ups and can make grown up decisions like deciding to work. No your DH should not be miissing out on his children's Christmas morning and as a grandmother your mil should know that !!!. and not even put him in the position. It's just plain weird and entitled to assume your son, who is a father to two small ones to be ferrying her around on Christmas morning. Go and enjoy your Christmas with people who embarrass it. It sounds like your PIL are a bit meh about Xmas, which is fine but also means you can't MAKE them enjoy it.

MidniteScribbler · 14/12/2015 22:04

Training your dog to be able to be left alone for a while sounds like a damned good start.

ExitPursuedByABear · 14/12/2015 22:05

I've read the whole thread thanks .

MidniteScribbler · 14/12/2015 22:06

No your DH should not be miissing out on his children's Christmas morning and as a grandmother your mil should know that !!!.

Children can wait an hour to open presents.

MIL probably thinks it is the only way she's going to get to actually see her son on Christmas Day.

sofiahelin · 14/12/2015 22:07

So if you're so very sure yanbu why are you asking Confused

MistressMerryWeather · 14/12/2015 22:16

Why should 2 young, very excited children wait an hour on Christmas morning before opening their presents when a grown woman can get a taxi?

ExitPursuedByABear · 14/12/2015 22:17

Oh I don't know. let me think ....

MistressMerryWeather · 14/12/2015 22:18

If they were older you could probably let them know the night before that they would have to wait for dad, but they are five and two for Gods sake.

clam · 14/12/2015 22:19

ffs, this thread is getting bloody ridiculous now.

Train the dog to be left alone? Yeah, coz that's really the main issue Hmm

"Why just this once not stay at yours for Xmas with your ILS coming to you"
RTFT, fgs, the mil has volunteered to go to work!!!! She's now meant to cancel and ruin someone else's plans too?

SushiAndTheBanshees · 14/12/2015 22:20

Why can't DH decide for himself if he wants to help his mum out?

What can't a father decide whether to ask his kids to wait for him to come home to open their gifts, or to go ahead without him?

Why are you swaying the decision in all this (especially given you've said it's all about the children anyway)? Seems like the whole of the rest of Xmas is about you and what you want, now you want even the DH/MIL/her DGC side of things to be as you want, too?

oneowlgirl · 14/12/2015 22:21

I love the sound of your family Christmas!! I'd love that!

I don't think YABU but agree with PPs that your DH needs to tell his mum. Prepaid taxis sounds like the perfect solution.

MidniteScribbler · 14/12/2015 22:22

If they were older you could probably let them know the night before that they would have to wait for dad, but they are five and two for Gods sake.

As a child, I always knew we had to wait for grandma to arrive, then we'd have breakfast, then sit down to open presents together. Even my about to turn 4yo DS knows that presents aren't done until we're all awake and sitting down together. They don't need to grab and rip the minute they open their eyes.

SushiAndTheBanshees · 14/12/2015 22:23

And actually, yes, you can teach them that at ages 2 & 5.

The 2yo doesn't need to be taught anything. She just needs to be told what's what.

The 5yo should have it explained to her that grandma unfortunately needs to work on Xmas Day and isn't that awful for her? Daddy's helping making it a bit less rubbish so the least we can do is wait an hour or so to open our presents. Why don't we get started on this yummy/naughty breakfast while we're waiting?

Seriously, the more I think about this the more outrageously selfish I think you're being.

MistressMerryWeather · 14/12/2015 22:26

How festive, lets have a lesson about waiting on the most exciting morning of the year!

I honestly love my MIL more and more every year thanks to MN.

She would never suggest her grandchildren pause Christmas morning so she could grab a lift.

She would kick my arse if I even suggested it.

MsPavlichenko · 14/12/2015 22:26

Do what you , and DH want, always the best plan. YANBU.

I lost my DPS and DILS prematurely, very much so in one case. I wish they were still here. But I'd still decide what was best for us to do. Your DC are still wee, the memories they will have will mean so much, and clearly your DPILS aren't that fussed or would have done things differently before now.

clam · 14/12/2015 22:31

Can't help wondering if all the YABU posters on here are just plain jealous of what sounds to me like a fabulous Christmas round at MaryPoppins's mum's. Why does her wanting to enjoy that make her a selfish bitch?

itsmine · 14/12/2015 22:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SushiAndTheBanshees · 14/12/2015 22:35

Mistress the lesson can be taught on any of the non-exciting mornings/ afternoons/ evenings of the year between now and then.

Jesus wept. What is Christmas about? Is it about getting or giving (or both, ideally)?? The OP is all about getting, there's no giving. It's all so selfish: DIL gets what she wants when she wants it, 5yo should get what she wants when she wants it...why can't MIL have one things she wants, when she wants it (especially given what that thing is v. the cost of giving it)?

MidniteScribbler · 14/12/2015 22:38

Can't help wondering if all the YABU posters on here are just plain jealous of what sounds to me like a fabulous Christmas round at MaryPoppins's mum's.

Sounds horrendous to me. I enjoy our quiet Christmas morning going for a swim down the beach before coming home to open presents (DS manages to cope with not getting his presents first thing), late lunch, and the late afternoon to spent in the pool with a few bottles of champagne. The OPs Christmas is my idea of hell.

leopardgecko · 14/12/2015 22:40

OP, I wonder how you would feel if in the future both of your children decide to spend EVERY Christmas with their in-laws?

Also wanted to say as a foster carer, over the years I have had maybe 30 different children of all ages, religions and abilities, stay with us over Christmas. We have had our routine with our own 4 children of course, one of which is waiting until after lunch to open the main presents. Many/most people don't do that, and the foster children are usually surprised. But once explained beforehand, even to the little ones, it's fine. Stockings first thing, presents later. It's never been an issue or spoilt the day, so surely opening presents just a little later for your children would be fine. Children are adaptable (even my own sons with autism cope)...I find it's usually the parents who aren't!

Enjoy your magical Christmas with YOUR family, and hope the ILs are suitably grateful for the hour or so you can spare them.

GiraffesAndButterflies · 14/12/2015 22:44

MIL probably thinks it is the only way she's going to get to actually see her son on Christmas Day.

If only there hadn't been another option like the OP and her DH and DDs going over for christmas morning.... Oh no wait that was the plan and MIL cancelled it!!

leopardgecko · 14/12/2015 22:45

As a child, I always knew we had to wait for grandma to arrive, then we'd have breakfast, then sit down to open presents together. Even my about to turn 4yo DS knows that presents aren't done until we're all awake and sitting down together. They don't need to grab and rip the minute they open their eyes.

I agree midnite. As a foster carer I have looked after dozens of children over the Christmas period, as well as our own, and every one of them would be used to a different routine, or maybe none at all. But I have found even the smallest ones adapt happily to our particular Christmas Day which is stockings first thing and main presents after lunch. We have explained, and no child has ever grabbed and ripped everything as soon as they are awake, even if they were used to that at home.

Morecheesegrommet · 14/12/2015 22:47

Sounds like the OP has bent over backwards to accommodate her PILS, who are just not interested.
She has invited them to join the family Xmas day - they have declined.
Without SIL/BIL they are no longer interested in even seeing OP and family on Xmas day, except as a taxi service.
MIL agreed to work Xmas day and assumed she would get a lift - didn't even bother asking them if it was convenient.
Xmas morning when the kids are so young are precious - but OPs DC are expected to sit around waiting for dad to return from providing a taxi service to some one who didn't even check it was OK before she arranged it.
OP - just tell them it doesn't work for you - you have valid reasons.

OTiTO · 14/12/2015 22:47

I'm one if the YABU posters but that doesn't mean I think the MIL is being reasonable. It's not exactly a black and white situation Confused

The reason I think the OP is being unreasonable is that she seems to have decided what is going to happen without taking her DH wishes into account. It's not that I think she is unreasonable about everything else.

If her DH wants to give his Mum a lift then I can't see a good reason why he couldn't. The OPs determination to justify reasons why it would be completely impossible is what I find unreasonable and controlling

On the other hand the OPs DH might not want to give his Mum a lift which makes all the OPs agnst'ing a bit pointless. Assuming the OPs DH is allowed to make his own decisions

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