HELP..... no help from parents!

[pinky77]

Hi all, I am writing to find out other peoples take on this situation. I am a mother of 3 kids under 5 with the view to returning to my work. I am going to have to pay £1000 a month for my kids to go to nursery. My sister also has 3 children and for 8 yrs my mother has minded these whilst my sister worked.
I am upset because I feel my sister has had this help and it should be my turn or at least shared. Also she has a higher salary and a husband that works less awkward shifts and a MIL that also helps. We are younger with less income and this expense is making it really difficult. My mum says she wishes she had more hands to help out but there is no talk of helping me instead. It's not just the work situation my kids also don't get any quality time with the grandparents as the others are looked after from 7 in morning then after school until 7 again 4 days week.
I have no inlaws or other family members available to help. My mum minds the odd time for a parents meeting at school or doctors appointment and will pick up one from nursery 3 days week but doesn't see them other than those times. I feel there are big differences being made and it is making life quiet tough but I haven't said too much to avoid any family rifts we have just been sucking it up and managing through. Any advice or opinions appreciated thanks

I think headofthehive seems to actually get the point of the matter here. Basically I have not for one single minute said all my children should be provided childcare by my parents! I would not expect it nor want it. However one child is school age at the same school as my nephews yet will get picked up by a nursery and watch his granny pick up his nephews and take them home to a nice home cooked meal. A few times I have asked her to hang onto him for an hour she said she'd love to but had to take one of the others swimming class etc Basically their needs come first and they can't miss out but as a consequence mine do because sometimes it is just impractical or unsafe to do some activities with 3 under 5.
I love peoples judgement on my decision to have 3 close together but sometimes circumstances dictate. Also I have taken 5 years out of work to do be a sahm and am only intending on returning 3 days a week. During these years I have completed several exams and some freelance work all around my children. I am doing everything I can and hence I need to work to provide them a stable future. Some people just hone in on the "childcare" element.
If I'm honest it's the hurt of the matter. Some people have said about a sense of entitlement and I guess your right I just want to feel like my grandparents love my children just as much and they feel loved too. Last year my mum was confiding in me on a few personal issues and I was a support to her and I guess I could just do with a little support too. Not financial, not full time childcare but just a little help. I have for this last year just put it to the side and try to not let it bother me but it does. To the extent that I almost don't want to put in the effort for all the things my parents ask me to do and that can't be healthy. My husband says we shouldn't rely on them for anything at all but I don't want to cut off my nose to spite my face and there's the children to think about. This year for the third year running I'll be doing xmas for mum, dad and sisters family and just feel like something might come to a head not sure to have a conversation now or after xmas, as a family we've never had a falling out and don't wish to start now.

I say this from experience-
Parents make differences, they sometimes have favourites. It's shit but it's best to get on with it. The sooner you do the better, trust me.

I can see why you are upset OP as we all wanted to be treated equally by our parents. I think neither you or your sister should expect childcare from your mother. Children can have a close relationship with their grandparents without being an unpaid childcare service.
However I would point your mother in the direction of your sister the next time she needs help (in the nicest way possible).

I was the last of my siblings to have children and the same thing happened to me. When my sisters children were born I forgot to tell my mother to plan the time she looked after my nieces carefully ,because I would be having three children in 10 years time and would expect exactly the same hours of work from her. I wasn't selfish enough to expect my nieces to change the routine they had been used to for 10 years because it was' my turn' Any way it would have been too hard for Mum by then. Life isn't fair!
'

Haven't read the whole thread OP, but just read your last post.
Sounds like your whole family thinks you (& your mum) are the copers and your sistger does sound like she is taking the piss - why do you not alternate doing xmas dinner if you all live close by.

I think YANBU to feel hurt.
Biggest problem is childcare is so ridiculously expensive in the UK now, it is a luxury.

I would feel hurt too if my mum was picking up my sisters children yet seeing my children go to nursery. If nothing else, my DC would be devastated as they love their grandparents. I'm sorry I have nothing helpful to offer but I understand where you're coming from.

Tea towel - have you missed the fact that the cousins are at the same school? And therefore see the differences. A 10 year gap isn't the same.

Thanks everyone, seems like I'm in the same boat as a lot of other people. At the end of the day my husband and I will just continue to manage on independently knowing that we are doing the best with our situation for our kids. It's a great lesson for us in the future with our kids and godwilling grandchildren. I know my mum feels terribly guilty about it all and she is so loving and motherly that it shocks me that this is the way it has turned out. But for whatever her reasoning is I know its from a non malicious place and that I just have to get over it before it destroys an otherwise good relationship. I think my sister at some stage in her life may look round and realise how much she's missed out on her kids lives so much and wish it was her at those school plays/sports days. Neway xmas is coming and I've stockings to fill for 3 amazing kids..... so I'l get on with it!

I wonder why they helped more. Perhaps they had more energy for the younger children (all day childcare), when your sisters children were young.
My brother had children 8 years before me and my parents were in their late 50s, now i have young children and they are in their late 60s.. It makes a lot of difference, especially for my dad who is a great grandad but seems to need an afternoon nap and not like lots of noise. Perhaps they are only looking to do after school/afternoon care not all day. It might be worth discussing, as for a while my children went to nursery in the mornings (7.30-1) and had grandparents look after them in the afternoons. Some nurseries do sessions that finish at 1. This really could reduce the cost, if they were prepared to do that for you a couple of days?

OP, I can completely understand why you are upset. It's not as if you had kids thinking, "right, when the time comes, mum will look after them". It's simply the unfairness of the situation with your sister. Of course it feels unfair.

I do not think your sister is going to change. You mention that your mother feels guilty about the situation - I do think you should talk to her. It doesn't have to be an all-family intervention-type event. Just have a think about what you would like, then sit and talk to her about it. It's all pretty clear when you put it down in black and white - she can't really argue with the facts.

If she wants to carry on as is, that's up to her, but she might not have realised just how unequal the situation has become.

If you don't say something, that resentment will continue to build. At least get it all out there.

I don't understand the need to verbally attack your sisters parenting. Its strikes of jealsously. As for a lesson learnt it. Comes across like your in huff over the situation. When your DC has children you may find yourself in a similar situation to your own mother. You dicussed caring for your mother in the future so she must be getting on. You completely ignore that fact that physically and mentally your DM might not be able to manage three small children. It is not a reflection on you or them. Its a fact of life. Everything people have said and explained seemed to gone over your head. You should'nt measure your Dm on the amount of childcare you recieve

Sansoora- lots of contact. No.

Different situation as we live away from my parents and DSis lives nearby and had an enormous amount of help - funnily enough not work related childcare though.

The only time my parents visited us was if my DC had invited their cousin to a birthday party as they would be the taxi. My youngest was about 9 when they visited for the sake of visiting and even then it was normally 48 hours notice max as they would wait to see of DSis was going to see them or not. By this stage DSis had better things to do with her time - a new boyfriend.

My DC are late teens now but from an early age understood the problem of not living close to their grandparents but could also see the complete unfairness and favourtism going on.

My parents blame me for my kids not being that close to them as I didn't take the DC there often enough when they were younger. Nothing to with them not bothering. As far as I am concerned they have reaped what they sow.

I will add that they were always prepared to babysit - the snag being they would only babysit in their house. Pay a babysitter or drive pay petrol for 400 miles?!!! I did have a friend who was in a similar situation so we would often babysit for each other.

Sorry this has become a bit of rant but it still gets to me after all these years.

My husband says we shouldn't rely on them for anything at all

I dont understand why that even needs to be spelt out to you! Isnt that just what being an adult is? Not relying on your parents anymore? What are you relying on them for currently? Shouldnt you be working towards independence if you havent achieved it already?

Pinky after reading your last post, all I can do is advise you to 'step away' from your own expectations. If you truly feel that you are doing so much and getting so little in return then the only thing you can do is step back yourself. You can't demand or expect your parents to change. Nor your sister. That's not going to happen. And if you find that you are unable to do anything for your parents without resenting the fact that they (apparently) do so little for you and yours, then you're best off not doing in the first place. Resentment (whether it's valid or not) will eat away at your peace and in the end doesn't hurt anyone but you. It never fixes anything and often makes it worse. So all you can do is rearrange your expectations and tailor your actions to them.

Perhaps I've missed it, but have you ever actually sat your parents down and explained quietly, calmly and non-accusingly how you feel? Or perhaps written them a letter?

OP

I can understand why it is hurtful that your DM is picking up your nephews from the same school as your eldest, but won't take him. Have you asked her about this?

I still don't think it would be fair to ask her to take all 3 of yours and drop your sister's DC to give you your "fair share" of help. That isn't fair on them either. But it may be possible for your DM to pick up your DS some days. Ask her. But please drop all the criticism of your sister and her parenting style/lack of maternal instinct/not being there- it smacks of pettiness and jealousy and is likely to undermine your case.

And yes, she may regret not being there for all the concerts/sports days etc. I miss a lot of these sort things because of work, but that is the way it is. I need to work to keep a roof over our heads. Going part time is not an option for me at the moment for a variety of reasons. I do feel guilty about it sometimes and am so glad my mum can go in my place. I hate to think people like you are sitting about criticising me for my "lack of maternal instinct". Maybe your sister picks up on this?

It always amazes me when I read these sorts of threads on here.

We have a very dynamic situation as regards childcare. Both me and DH work full time so childminding our grandchildren has to be fitted around that.

If my DC1 requires childcare DH and I discuss what we can accommodate and DC1 will also look into alternatives if we can't oblige.

Even if I or DH were retired we would not be providing full on wrap- around childcare. Our DC1 knows that and doesn't expect it. But knows we will step up to help out if it's possible.

That said, I feel very strongly that I have paid my dues and don't really want to spend all my free time looking after my grandchildren.

Of course I love them, obviously I do. But my desire to enjoy my freedom from dealing with small children is my right.

I always wonder why a grandparent will pay so much attention to one set of grandchildren to the near exclusion of their relationship to the others. Children grow fast and as we get older time flies. Maybe they do not realise and have forgotten how fleeting it is.

OP - I had similar, my DH said the same as yours. Listen to him. Work together. Take a step back and look after your family - maybe save up to take them to Lapland or something next year and stop being the coper. The do not need a grandparent looking after them to make them happy, but they do need a happy home.

You mother has the choice and she has made it. Do not spend your time trying to please her. Please your family.

That last post was actually concluding the matter but as some people like rudeElf (living up to your name fantastically) keep dragging up the same points I'll respond. I am grown up and I don't rely on my parents in a teenage way however like many relationships you help and support and that is something I do a lot for in my parents life and would think it is natural that if they could help in any way they would do so.
Adelecarberry and jacks11 I am certainly not jealous of my sister believe me, she isn't working to keep a roof over her head her husbands salary more than does that. She has plenty of flexibility and opportunities to get out of work etc she just doesn't choose to do so, that's her choice but not what I would choose. I don't judge parents out working that miss sports days etc but if you actively decide to not bother then I do think that could come across as less maternal? Why have kids if you don't want to share their achievements and memories?
Also my sisters kids are 5,7,9. mine are 5,3,18months. I had one when her first was 9 unfortunately stillborn, took a while to get over hence the gap and then quick catch up of 3 kids close together. My kids are here now and where carefully planned for but believe me I didn't have a crystal ball to forsee that I wouldn't receive much help. It was said at the time when my sister and I were both pregnant with our firsts by my mum that she would help us out equally as much as she could and it would be to help us in our careers until things became easier for us. Well things have reached that easier point for one of us? My mum is 58 and of course if she is fed up or not feeling fit enough to continue then I would understand but to do the lionshare for one and very little for another it is hurtful, bottomline. Right or wrongly I feel it is unfair. I don't think only teenagers are allowed these feelings .You can call it entitlement if that's what makes you happy.

OP - your Mum might have said she would help out until things became easier in your careers but she is 58 now and might be a bit tired.

She didn't know how life was going to pan out for you. None of this is down to her.

Your Mum is 58 - does she not deserve a break?

Salmotrutto does my mum deserve a break absolutely. Does my mum deserve to enjoy all her grandchildren absolutely. Have I said she shouldn't but if she needs a break surely she should be informing my sister of this I'm certainly not a burden . Her continuing on like this means she is just missing out on my kids. I don't even understand your point ?

Pinky, life isn't fair. I had a situation comparable to yours where I got no help at all with childcare while my parents had looked after two of my brother's children one day a week up to school age. My kids just came along a few years later and my parents didn't offer any help. Being disadvantaged in this way probably won't kill you, but being perpetually bitter about it might. You need to get over this or it will make you crazy. It sucks, I'm sorry. Don't let it ruin what sounds like a great relationship with your mother. Enjoy the time you have with her, mine died unexpectedly in her sixties (sorry to be so morbid).

The other thing which stands out from your posts is that your sister's career has been prioritised, both by her and it sounds like by your mother, while you have been taken less seriously career-wise and perhaps been seen more as one of life's accommodating helpers. Possibly due to you being at home? In most families people have roles, whether they like it or not. It sounds like your sister's role is high-powered prima donna who everyone else has to cater to, while your role is more helpful facilitator and, hm, doormat? It sounds like you want to change your role. If you decide to do this, be prepared to be met with hostility from pretty much everyone. Try to rise above it by not getting sucked into a row. Just calmly state that you are now prioritising your career which has been taking a back seat until now and you are sure they understand your circumstances have changed. Don't go on the attack and make it personal. Other people will need to pick up the slack accordingly. Perhaps prepare them for the idea that it is someone else's turn to host Christmas next year, etc, etc.

Best of luck with your situation. Have a wonderful Christmas and try not to let this spoil it.

Thank you purple face I think you seemed to have really grasped the situation without being judgey. You seem to have managed very well and come out the other side, have a lovely Xmas too.

Totally agree with purpleface. It's a family roles thing. Hard to change as everyone is invested in keeping others in their roles. Maybe try searching for advice on changing your role within your family group? I'm sure there must be lots of family pschology resources out there. Best of luck!

CPtart - the joy of being around your grandchildren is way better than anything else a person can spend doing during retirement. I understand its not for everyone, but you not understanding why some would want to be with their grandchildren is a puzzle. We just do.