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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to pizza pasta again?

445 replies

karmakameleon · 12/12/2015 11:57

So I'm trying to arrange dinner with a friend and her family and she's suggested a pizza pasta place. Fairly standard kid food but my problem is that DS (3yrs old) doesn't like it. DS will happily eat Indian, Thai, Japanese, Chinese, Mexican amongst other things, so I don't think he can be described as fussy, but just not pizza and pasta.

As you imagine this comes up regularly when we eat out with friends and in the past I've taken the view that DS can have some bread and fill up on ice cream after. But this time I've had enough and put my foot down as I just feel it's not fair on DS to always be the one that can't eat and ends up going home hungry. Also I know that DS really doesn't like pizza pasta as I've offered it to him a hundred times but I'm guessing that my friend's child hasn't tried half the options I've suggested. (The specific places I've mentioned to her all do some mild options in smaller sized portions although not specifically a children's menu.) And if the worst came to the worst, surely her DS could pick at his main and then have lots of ice cream for pudding like mine has had to in the past?

Anyway, the whole thing is proving quite traumatic, she's not taking up any of my suggestions and sticking fairly rigidly to her original choice and I'm getting the feeling that the whole thing is off unless I do as I'm told compromise. So now I'm starting to feel guilty and think maybe I'm being a bit unreasonable as it is a fairly standard choice. But then it's not DS's fault he doesn't like it...

OP posts:
Original poster
karmakameleon · 15/12/2015 20:44

Also, another thing to mention is DS's behaviour. Not wildly bad but low level irritating stuff because he's hungry and faced with a plateful of food that he doesn't really like.

Negotiating over what he could like to choose from the menu took 15-20 minutes and was time we couldn't enjoy chatting with our friends. By contrast her conversation was a 30 sec "DS, do you want pasta or pizza?" "Pizza pls". Job done.

Then when the food came the children's meals came before the adults. DS ate his veg sticks and a couple of chips but then was sat hungry while his friend sat happily chomping away. Again my friend and her DH got to relax while we were trying to explain to our DS that the food wouldn't be long.

So everyone saying, it's about the company. Yes that's true but you don't get to enjoy the company when you're trying to manage a hungry, grumpy 3yr old.

OP posts:
Toffeelatteplease · 15/12/2015 20:48

Clearly you should have stuck your foot down.

How dare anyone expect your child to like either pasta, or pizza or fish and chips or chicken and chips!

Cos every child likes Mexican chicken right?!? Hmm

And your friends child is the fussy one Shock

Toffeelatteplease · 15/12/2015 20:49

Wow I think I know which child I'd want to take to a restaurant.

DotForShort · 15/12/2015 21:04

You spent 20 minutes negotiating with your 3-year-old about what he wanted to eat? That sounds excruciating. At some point, I think I would have just said, "O.K., darling, fish or chicken? They both look delicious! Choose one or I will choose for you."

And if the meal your DH ordered wasn't enough for two, why didn't you order another one?

Original poster
karmakameleon · 15/12/2015 21:09

Yes of course. The child that only eats pasta, pizza and chips and nothing else isn't fussy at all and the one that eats pretty much everything but is totally fussy.

That is of course an entirely logical and well reasoned statement Hmm

OP posts:
Mrsfrumble · 15/12/2015 21:15

Oh FFS, what a massive drama over nothing!

Two fussy toddlers, with no middle ground. One mother a more stubborn and determined advocate. That's all.

If you really liked these friends and enjoyed their company I doubt this would be such a source of angst and resentment.

CastaDiva · 15/12/2015 21:15

I'm getting exhausted reading your increasingly fraught, resentful, detailed accounts of exactly how put upon you were by your unreasonable friend and her food-conservative child, and exactly how you needed to negotiate with your three--year-old about what he didn't want to eat. You know, you and your friend are in fact guilty of exactly the same thing - a huuuge over-prioritisation of what a three-year-old will deign to eat in a restaurant.

I have a three year old, and his needs don't get to take priority over those of a large number of adults when it comes to a one-off meal out. He can have some chips or bread or olives, or icecream or plain noodles or rice, or I can bring a snack for him to eat beforehand. I have difficulty believing that while your friend refused to let her own husband eat somewhere he wanted because their child wanted Italian, while you then sat conducting UN-style 'negotiations' with a pre-schooler about a menu he didn't like for 15 to 20 minutes????

You are both cut from the same cloth, and I don't think you're doing your children any favours.

honeysucklejasmine · 15/12/2015 21:16

I don't know why you are getting such a hard time OP. I'd say it was some sort of reverse snobbery but it's not like your DC is that unusual.

I think I would not be going out for a meal with them again. Still get together if course, but eat separately.

BackInTheRealWorld · 15/12/2015 21:18

Well your child was the one performing and carrying...are you sure he isn't a little bit fussy?

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 15/12/2015 21:19

I can't believe this is still going though it was funny at first...

Honestly Op you and your friend both sound like hard work. You're as bad as each other! Who in their right mind has a family day out dictated by the food preferences of three year olds to the extent that which restaurant is chosen becomes a power play between the adults? You both need to unclench a little or cool the "friendship".

BarbaraofSeville · 15/12/2015 21:23

I now need to know what restaurant the DH was drooling over was.

MissingPanda · 15/12/2015 21:24

Having RTFT I think some posters are determined to put the OP in the wrong no matter what she says Hmm

OP YANBU it shouldnt always be your DS who always has to make do. The other DC is going to grow up expecting to be pandered to all the time when it comes to eating and end up as the subject of an mn thread where x will only eat pizza or pasta in the future. I do think this time the three adults should have insisted on going somewhere else, even walking into the restaurant your friend's DH wanted to go to and left her to follow, or not.

MissingPanda · 15/12/2015 21:28

Well your child was the one performing and carrying...are you sure he isn't a little bit fussy?

Most likely because he was hungry. I get cranky when I'm hungry and I'm in my 40s. The other DC would be fine because he was being pandered to again.

dodgeballqueen · 15/12/2015 21:28

Your three year old ate half of an adult portion (plus his veg sticks) and came away hungry?

You should have asked how big the portions were and ordered him one for himself.

rookiemere · 15/12/2015 21:36

So there wasn't just pizza and pasta on the children's menu.
There was also risotto, chicken and fish, or presumably as many of us have suggested your DS could have ordered a starter.
Are you absolutely sure all the other adults wanted to eat in the DS selected place ?
It sounds like an incredibly stressful meal out OP I'd avoid eating with your friends in future unless you have a babysitter.

Floggingmolly · 15/12/2015 21:39

Why did you spend 20 minutes trying to find something for your non fussy, eats everything child to eat?
And this was time you "couldn't enjoy chatting with your friends"... You negotiated the menu with your child to the exclusion of everyone round you for 20 minutes... How bizarre.

Were you by any chance making a point with all that unnecessary nonsense??

DotForShort · 15/12/2015 21:40

I agree with PPs that you should have gone to the other restaurant (the one her DH wanted). Your friend sounds very stubborn and insistent, but her vote shouldn't have overruled everyone else. I can see how it was an awkward situation though.

Usernamegone · 15/12/2015 21:42

The next time your friend suggests somewhere you don't like just respond - sorry that doesn't work for us, we struggled to find stuff we liked on the menu and 3 of us went home hungry.

When you are in town and she suggests the same place - sorry that doesn't work for us the last time we didn't enjoy the food and us three went home hungry.

Surely it's not fair you go to where your friends likes 100% of the time?

AyeAmarok · 15/12/2015 21:44

Having RTFT I think some posters are determined to put the OP in the wrong no matter what she says

Yup, this.

StuffandBother · 15/12/2015 21:57

Aargh! Can we stop with the 'Pizza Pasta' as if it's one dish!

myotherusernameisbetter · 15/12/2015 21:59

To an outsider here, ignoring all the side issues about the power struggle etc. The issues with the two children are:

friends child has a fairly limited diet and his mother is prioritising that over other peoples wishes/desires/needs.

OPs child whilst on the face of it has a bigger range of food, is fussy in the sense of he only wants to eat what he wants to eat reardless of what is actually available. That doesn't make him less fussy imo. Op says he doesn't like pizza and past whereas in reality he was rejecting a lot of food that he will eat because he wanted something else.

Both 3 year olds were being 3 year olds. I think you need to see OP that your child is no less fussy than your friends, just in a different way.

Friend is winning because she refuses to back down. You can like it, lump it or manage it differently.

myotherusernameisbetter · 15/12/2015 22:03

Meant to add, that your friend knows that she can walk into any restaurant that does small pizzas and her child will sit and happily eat it, your issue is that you could walk into any restaurant that had food your child will eat and still spend 20 minutes having an issue because there is no guarantee that your child will want anything that is on the menu because that isn't what he fancies today.

On that basis I am going to be controversial now and say that if you are going to pander to one child then it should be the friends child because she know exactly what he will eat. You could have gone anywhere and had exactly the same issue with your DS, so I've now decided YABU.

miaowmix · 15/12/2015 22:15

Pizza pasta Sad
Not a thing!

shoots self

BoGrainger · 15/12/2015 22:16

Your friends had to wait 20 minutes for their order to be taken while you negotiated with your ds! Shock
I would have found that extremely irritating, especially if I was hungry! Maybe the annoyance goes both ways.

Original poster
karmakameleon · 15/12/2015 22:36

If she wanted to avoid the wait then we should have gone to the Mexican. Would have taken us three minutes to order there. Oh but no, if we'd done that she may have been the one negotiating with a toddler Shock

I have to say I really am surprised that people think she is reasonable to insist on going to a pizza/pasta place every time and never compromise because that's her 3yr olds preference. I assume that other people must be doing this too then?

As for whether my DS would be hit and miss anywhere, no he wouldn't. We eat out most weeks and in the last three months the only times he has made a fuss are in the pizza/pasta type places.

OP posts: