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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Y1 Teacher Refused to let DS go to the toilet, resulting in sitting in mess all day.

379 replies

FreeSpirit89 · 12/12/2015 10:01

My mum picked DS1 aged 5 up from school Friday afternoon (3.15pm), He was clearly distressed, and upset. When she got him beyond the school gates he told her he had messy pants on. He said he had asked to go to the toilet before first break (10.30am) and the teacher had said no, he couldn't hold it any longer and messed his pants.

The school is aware that DS has bowel problems, they have letters on file from his consultant specialist at the hospital as well as the family GP, and myself explaining that he needs to be able to have access to water at all times, and due to his condition he may not have much warning that he needs to go to the toilet, and it tends to leak out of him fairly quickly.

His bottom was red raw, and little sores have appeared at the top of his bum crack due to being made to sit in his own mess all day. He is quite upset, and doesn't want to go back to school because he thinks it will happen again.

Im planning on approaching the school head about this on Monday, but i am at a loss at how to do so? The head's default reaction to anything where the parent isn't there to witness the incident is that the child may be lying. I want to go prepared and not get to angry, which at the moment i'm struggling with. I just cant believe that they have treated this issue with no sensitivity and ignore my sons pleas for the toilet.

Any idea's how i can get them to listen and ensure this doesn't happen again would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
Pud2 · 14/12/2015 20:45

As you say Iguana, people's responses to this situation were unbelievable. Very quick to jump on the bandwagon. The school responded exactly as they should and I would like to think any other school would do the same. Thank goodness the OP is clearly a level headed, sensible person who took the right action rather than listening to the advice in this thread.

WombatChocolate · 14/12/2015 21:06

OP, I'm glad too that you have had a positive experience today.

It was a great shame that your little lad had an unpleasant experience, but I'm glad you feel you were listened to and the school acted - exactly as it should be, and tbh I wasn't surprised to hear their reaction.

I know you are trying to move school, but I hope this makes the remaining time there better for your son and you.

And to all those who were so sure the teacher" must have made a choice to leave the child sitting in poo on purpose, that the school would brush it under the carpet, or that the teacher deserved to be reported to Ofsted and ultimately sacked, I would just say 2 things; firstly that school are really not the enemy - simple,clear communication starting from a position that it is possible to work together, nearly always delivers better results, than approaching things from a position of raging criticism. And secondly, as I often say on these kind of threads.....don't be too quick to make judgements about the rights and wrongs of situations based on a few words from a child - I am not saying children lie, or even deliberately misrepresent what happened, but simply that their understanding of situations and ability to accurately report what happened is often a bit limited. It is really worth bearing in mind and approaching the school to find out what happened, rather than forming a totally rigid view of events and what the consequences should be.
And finally, it is possible for someone to make an honest mistake, without it being cruel, or wilful and deserving of a sacking - as has been said on here, being willing to admit a mistake and to look for ways to avoid it happening in future are usually key. This sense that any kind of slight to a child requires the parents to go in all guns blazing and furious, demanding retribution, doesn't achieve much usually and doesn't help our children to learn about constructive ways to deal with difficulties.

Again, sorry your son had an unpleasant experience, but I'm glad it was handled well and you feel more positive moving forward.

claig · 14/12/2015 21:09

Very pleased it was sorted so well. Well done OP and well done the school.

FreeWorker1 · 14/12/2015 21:10

"They are implementing a draw in class for him to have wipes, pants and trousers in, so he can clean himself up if needs be. "

If it happens again is that what they are going to do? Send him to sort it out himself? That sounds an awful lot like what actually happened to me and clearly a 5 year old isn't capable of dealing with it himself.

No doubt it is true he did ask and the teacher said wait a minute and it happened but how on earth did nobody notice or just thought it was OK to send a 5 year old could deal with it himself is beyond me.

The care plan better be more comprehensive than that.

Pud2 · 14/12/2015 21:29

Freewoker - the OP, the child's mother, was happy with this so clearly it works for her child. Again, we don't have all the facts. The school and the OP will write a plan that works for this child.

Original poster
FreeSpirit89 · 14/12/2015 22:44

Freeworker1 - you seem very anti school in every response. The care plan is indeed more detailed, it's 3 pages long, the school typed it so I didn't have to in one day and all of these things have already been implemented within 6 hours of the headteacher being made aware of the issue. They really couldn't have acted any faster. I didn't type the whole thing out here, I have billet points of the main changes to be implemented.

DS is very capable of cleaning himself up, there is the understanding that the TA or other member of staff will help if, and only if DS is struggling or asks for help. That was decided between me and the school to give DS a sense of independence and control over a issue that he has no control over.

I am happy with the out come, ideally it would have been better to have not happened. But no amount of shouting and screaming at the school will change that, the best course of action for my son is this.

OP posts:
Cressandra · 14/12/2015 23:14

Great update Freespirit. I like the card idea a lot. One thing that helped my DD in infants was having a secret code word agreed with the teacher. She just had to say "alligator" and the teacher would know she was going to the first aid room to get changed. A slightly less obtrusive word would prob have been better, but it achieved the aim of making her feel better about it.

When she was a bit older she kept clothes in the first aid room/disabled loo so she didn't have to get them out in front of everyone.

We found infant school children generally very accepting of all sorts of differences, as a PP said.

Kr1stina · 14/12/2015 23:19

Good result OP. I'm sure the school will have appreciated your calm and measured response to the problem.

Hope you LO is Ok with the new plan and is feeling happier about going to school this week.

Good suggestion from another poster about having another card to show the teacher if he does have an accident . Or is he just to go to the drawer and get the bag when he needs it ?

safclass · 15/12/2015 01:11

Young children often dont know they need the toilet until the NEED it! Their body is still 'immature' and control etc is not always there until older. Our foster child (8) has a problem (which she can play on mind you) but the school know that if she says she needs to go she may really need to go NOW - not wait for 10 mins. Ive acknowledged that its a hard decision to take but if she does have an accident because she hadnt been allowed to go I would be in complaining.
But as others have said - check out others versions of events first - but then lay it down , the outcomes/effects on your child and the need for it not to happen again. If head is not forthcoming - ask which Governor is responsible for 'welfare' and write a letter to them - this will be discussed at meetings. Heads dont like the governors being involved .

(ex primary teacher)

willowcatkin111 · 15/12/2015 01:53

Glad it is sorted for you. As a parent I would be a little Hmm that it took such an incident to get the comprehensive care plan and the cards idea which is clearly well known as it was mentioned on this thread. So yes, thumbs up for sorting it but would have been better to write a proper care plan in the first place!

IguanaTail · 15/12/2015 07:52

Isn't it funny how quickly everyone piles on with their anger and outrage and disgust, and when there is a good outcome it goes so quiet? It's almost like people enjoy feasting on the possibility that a teacher is wrong and evil and cruel.

WeThreeMythicalKings · 15/12/2015 08:03

'twas ever thus on Mumsnet, Iguana

CheesyWeez · 15/12/2015 08:26

Thanks for updating, FreeSpirit. I'm pleased for you and your son! Xmas Smile

EverybodyHatesATourist · 15/12/2015 09:56

It's almost like people enjoy feasting on the possibility that a teacher is wrong and evil and cruel.

We have a teacher, on this thread, making statements like this:
"I was referring to a situation with normal children"

That is very wrong in my eyes.

IguanaTail · 15/12/2015 10:47

You don't know that person is a teacher. I could say I was a brain surgeon.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/12/2015 12:02

Yes iguana we were very angry, a young child with bowel condition refused the toilet, being left in soiled clothes for a long period resulting in sores. a dd to that, op said that she believed school might deny all knowledge and put the onus on the chikd to say something about his soiled clothes. I am glad that op went in calm and the school response was very good. No I dud not advocate sacking the teacher, or ruining her career. I only said be firm and if the school response to this is not satisfactory, to make an official complaint. But as it happened, the school responded very well.

Slarti · 15/12/2015 12:29

I don't think I'd be able to stop myself going fucking nuclear if one of my children had been put in such an awful position! I'm bloody fuming just reading about it OP. I hope your son is on and you get a satisfactory outcome from this.

Slarti · 15/12/2015 12:30

"Ok" , not "on'

catfordbetty · 15/12/2015 12:32

I hope your son is on and you get a satisfactory outcome from this

The OP has posted, at length and more than once, that she is pleased with the way the school has responded.

LagunaBubbles · 15/12/2015 12:32

Boneyback

That quote isnt mine, I was just agreeing with it as I do find it interesting some posters are so desperate to come up with explanations, so saying In the same way that posters where happy to vilify the teacher? is irrelevant - I haven't vilified anyone or said anything about teacher so not sure what your point is.

knobblyknee · 15/12/2015 12:43

YANBU. Thats a terrible thing to do to any child. Give him a hug from me. My son had a similar problem, the stupid school kept giving him cows milk.

Topseyt · 15/12/2015 14:01

Very good result OP. I think that is all as it should be, and I hope your DS can grow in confidence now. I am sure the teacher will keep a much closer eye on him now even when he does go off to the toilet.

On the odd occasion that something I haven't liked has happened to one of mine in school I always try to cool off briefly first so that I make a calm and rational approach. Better to clarify first and make calm and succinct points than to go in all guns blazing.

BoneyBackJefferson · 15/12/2015 17:57

LagunaBubbles

It may not have been your post (so apologies there) but with out posting the context of my reply doesn't make it irrelevant, it is a comment backed up by

this posted by IguanaTail
"It's as I thought. I counted 16 pieces of sane advice and 28 ranting posts. I could t be bothered to count any more.... "so livid" "what a load of crap" "beyond neglectful" "raise merry hell" "look for another school" "no excuse" "generally the teacher denies all knowledge ...the child is blamed...an idea of the likely response" "I would be giving written complaint to HT Ofstead (sic) LEA (sic)" "failed miserably in duty of care" "teacher probably on a power trip" "fucking ridiculous" "awful" "stuff of nightmares" "so degrading" "school refused to let a 5 year old go to the toilet??!!" "So serious" "report to safeguarding officer". "

With out knowing the full details posters were very keen to vilify the teacher

IguanaTail · 15/12/2015 18:28

Aeroflot are you shocked by the positive outcome here?

Aeroflotgirl · 15/12/2015 19:08

No iguana, not shocked, pleased that's all!

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