AIBU to think that most people don't feel comfortable in wealthy surrounds

[OhYesToYestyn]

and to wonder what exactly is the reason? In the UK, I mainly mean top end London shops and commercial art galleries where it all reeks of wealth.

For example, I love fashion and jewellery design, but if I want to go and look at /touch the garments, I always go to a department store with open plan access, not a boutique. Even in that case, I feel somewhat inadequate and a even a failure for not being able to afford it, though it's irrational as the minority who can afford it have often not made the money themselves (wealthy parents/husbands) and some got it through being ruthless or some other questionable means. I don't often like rich people in the public eye, though obviously there are exceptions.

So why do I feel that physical pressure/stress and even feel inadequate while rationally I shouldn't? I'm talking of people on middle income btw, not very low income.

Shouldn't we all be able to go into any shop and feel relaxed and enjoy the view, and ask for service just to browse? I wonder if others feel absolutely fine and unpressured? Just can't put my finger on the reasons why the discomfort.

interesting, ephemeral, to become different people (so to speak) to suit the occasion. Hopefully you never turn into a blingy vacuous heiress/wife ! even if that's the circle. Though it can be fun as an experimen as to what can you pull off! Yes, I agree that a treat like that is more luxurious, similar to another poster buying a beauiful nail varnish for 26 pounds. My treat sometimes is an expensive little cake/chocolates from Godiva. OR a favourite perfumed soap. Affordable but indulgent and never feel buyer's remorse with those!

dressed scruffily in cheap clothes
what an image, cleaty! Was it a fraying t-shirt haha? I'm sure it wasn't bad - the main thing is that the clothes suit you in fit and colour, whether cheap or not.

This is such an interesting thread - good question OP!

I would agree with all those who have said its confidence. It is.

And I think twirly makes a good point. One thing a private education gives someone above others is that innate confidence to push forward and be at home in that sort of place.

I went to a state comp and have many friends from public schools - in my early twenties I would have felt uncomfortable as I felt I didn't know how to behave. I'm now older and wiser and have more life experience, so feel I would have the confidence to be in any setting - really because it's all just people and I don't feel anywhere or anyone can sneer at me!

But two points 1) any establishment with true class would make sure anyone who walked through its doors felt at home. If they're snotty then in my opinion they have a problem and are not worth your visit. If they're a decent place then the only person that thinks you shouldn't be there is you.

2. those public school friends may well feel uncomfortable in places that aren't their 'norm' too.

But as so many others have said its confidence. OP - you're good enough to walk through their doors and have a look. If they make you feel otherwise...see 1)

I actually think the way people move and their poise and body language affects how others interact with you.

I always feel sorry for what seems to mainly be women who scuttle along looking self conscious as if they are almost a bother to other humans.

Some folk can make expensive clothes look terrible but some can make cheap clothes look great. I was taught to walk properly by having a book placed on my head and made to sit up straight. I always walk with confidence, teenagers in the street get out of my way, even when in a pack. I don't dislike teens I have one at home myself.

DH had a very wealthy childhood and grew up doing all sorts of mad-posh things. I grew up in middle-class comfort, he was absolutely upper-class. His Mum is an enormous snob about so many things (postcodes, shoes, scarves, how you wear your engagement/wedding rings, who decorated your home, the sort of pets you own, all sorts of mad shit, though you'd never guess to look at her) and so much of that has rubbed off onto him. He's confident going anywhere with work, but struggles with things like taking our DCs to high-end places because he frets over what everyone might be thinking, whereas I will happily take them anywhere because I know that nobody really gives a crap what two small, silly boys are doing.

All the money in the world doesn't buy confidence. I have far more confidence than he does because I was raised to not care what others think, so have no problem walking into high-end stores, looking about and chatting to sales assistants. It's a strange thing, feeling uncomfortable, because sometimes it isn't related at all to how you've been raised. Logically, DH should be the one telling me "it's fine, nobody cares that DS2 burped after his drink", but often it's the reverse.

I think with buying perfect makeup you need to feel like you look good on that day

I do versions of this. For example I make an effort to look smarter when I go to the hairdressers. And remember another thread where someone asked what they should wear as a client to see a lawyer/ accountant. It seems so strange that we should dress up to make an impression on people who are just providing us with a service and taking our money, doesn't it?

Lots of interesting stories and thoughts. Makes me think what a difference it can make to expose children to places like this to build their confidence and poise, if only subconsciously. I feel comfortable in posh hotels now probably largely because my parents took me to similar places when I was growing up.

Posh antique shops and galleries though do intimidate me no end. Like the ones in St. James' and Mayfair. They always look so hushed and serious and empty and I just can't muster up any confidence to venture in.

Such an interesting thread. I've only ever felt that I can't go into 5* hotels/designer shops since I became fat. For me, it feels like money has nothing to do with it, it's whether you look the part, coupled with a good degree of confidence.

i have not rtwt (my apologies if this has been mentioned).
i have no issues with going into area's of high wealth, be it hotels, restaurants or shops (although at my size i have yet to see any items that would fit US size 14) at the age of 58 i'm comfortable with who i am.

but i struggle when in the company of those that live on the breadline, i feel sooooo guilty and so useless.

No kettle??? Wtf???

No way! I need kettle!

No one do I want to speak to anyone before I have had a coffee, not even the room service person.

A lot of hotels charge a service charge for room service as well...fuck that.

What's strange is that when your frequent places like this, it's often cheaper.

There is a hotel not to far form us that we stay on regularly.

We also book the suite, it has a free mini bar and a lounge that service free snacks and soft drinks, tea coffee all day.

In the evening it's a free bar.

We have been staying since we got married 15 years ago. We stayed there the night before the wedding and the night of the wedding.

Last time we went they told us they waived the tray charge for room service, out of the blue. Because we were 'treasured guests'.

Then I was in the shower, dh had gone to get drinks from the free bar. Dh came back and I went out with my towel round me. Except it wasn't dh, it was the manager who had come in to drop a birthday card off for me. He had knocked but I didn't hear and he came in.

It was very funny. The card invited us to free cocktails in the lounge with him.

It was awesome we had a chat with him. He arranged flowers and all sorts all free.

It was the cheapest start we had there and the suite was only a little bit more than the standard rooms.

But all the extras really added up.

We are staying there next weekend and I can't wait!

Apparently when people think you are rich, they give you free stuff.

My DD is very quiet and rather shy. When she was 12 I came home from work and she had been to the West End. I had no idea of this. She caught the tube to Green Park, bought herself some fondants in Fortnums, used the loo there for a squirt of perfume, had lunch at the Japanese Centre and schmoozed Burlington Arcade. She and a friend often do it together. She says she prefers it to the crowds elsewhere. I'd forgotten all about that.

It took me a while to feel comfortable browsing in Bond Street shops. Having worked in a very posh shop there, I know the judging that goes on as soon as a person enters the shop. Staff totally size you up.

Could becworse though at least in the UK generally browsing in shops isn't frowned upon. Whereas in France, don't even think of entering a pretty shop just to have a look. the fact that you have crossed the threshold is code for your intention to buy

I love it! I am brokedy broke but I love posh places. I never feel uncomfortable, I put this down to excellent parental training (the world is your oyster go and enjoy it) and ten years working in showbiz which is full of exclusive places and people who are paid very little most of the time so is a great leveller!

Now I am also a fatty so as you can imagine that posh shops would be a minefield but one incident trained me not to feel anything but comfortable.

I was 23 in a very high end boutique browsing (I had no money) and was getting a bit of 'Can I help you Madam?' From one assistant and was about to slink off when from out of the back room came barrelling a girl I had just done a gig with (everyone needs to pay the rent) and hugged me. We ended up sitting on the sofa giggling and then when a regular client of the shop came in we all ended up talking and my friend and I 'helped' her spend about £800 while drinking coffee, then champagne while laughing our heads off. Anyway, the afternoon was drawing to a close when the original snooty assistant (who was by now entirely lovely) came and whispered to my friend and they disappeared into the back shop. They had a top, in my size which had come in damaged and NotSoSnooty had fixed it with a few sitchest he'd thought I might like it for £10 (it was worth about £300 I think) So never judge a shop by its frontage glitzy exteriors can hide warm hearts!

Stitches

I often wonder too if someone was walking down the street with £1000 in their purse how would anyone know? they could look like they own £50 to their name. Or not. it's an interesting thread OP, perceptions of others vs perception of self

Do they Maud?

I went into Tiffanys with a friend last week and was surprised at how charming the staff were. Do you think they politely greeted us, then left us alone because they thought we were too poor to buy anything?

I did wonder .

My friend had been sent in by her husband to choose something for her birthday. She does have quite a collection of their stuff. She was wearing a pac-a-Mac from Primark at the time though...

I don't really wear the sort of Jewel encrusted stuff they have, but happily peered into the cases, whilst eavesdropping on the conversations of the people who were talking to the sales staff. It wasn't difficult-some were loud and appeared to be 'performance shopping'.

I did like some of the Paloma Picasso pieces on the 'cheap' floor at the top though!

I am quite a dressed down type as is DH but because we are well spoken with RP accents and we live in the North people make assumptions.

I think performance shopping and eating out is bizarre behaviour. I can remember being in a very nice restaurant in the city we live on the outskirts of. It's the most expensive in the area, some people were being very loud and also lots of photos were being taken.

I put it down to people either feeling like a fish out of water and actually nervous because they lack confidence or just having no manners. In the first instance I would feel sorry for them with the second I wish they would stick to Bella pasta.

Bit unfair on the regulars of Bella Pasta!

I know a man who has two professional specialisms and lives and dies by his social status. He owns two top of the range cars. He's not as posh as he likes to think he is but he's an utter, utter cunt with no human empathy. He is cruel and narcissistic. I know it's illogical, but being well aware what he thinks of overweight, socially inferior me gives me the rage. It makes me indignantly proud of my working class background and to stay as far away from that aspirational class bullshit as humanly possible.

I hate the whole idea of class. I feel uncomfortable in all social situations more so with people thought to be of a 'higher' class than myself.

I don't actually think high-end boutiques and commercial art galleries (in general) have a lot one actually wants to buy?

Posh department stores can be fun, but it is very unlikely a small art gallery would stock anything I specifically wanted.

I work in a posh shop and have been offered work in a high end gallery, and TBH the stuff sold isn't anything to write home about, you.

Also re: "snooty" assistants, it really is just probably slightly bad customer service and the person serving not being "bubbly".

I have a fairly RP accent for my sins so might come across as one of those snooty types,

but I really am poor as fuck and I work retail in my thirties whilst I re-train, I'm hardly the fucking Queen so why anyone would think my take or opinion on them "counted" is ridiculous! I do my best to be nice but often I have "shop duties" that involve not having detailed 1-1 conversations with customers.

Just come in and buy your shit and stop taking it all so personally

Also, am I actually the only one who HATES someone trying to be besties with me just to get me to buy something?

If I see something I like I want to view it and hopefully have someone out to pay for it ha ha, but I don't want to have a random conversation just for it's own sake. I get enough emotional attention from my own life, I don't need someone on minimum wage to provide it to me to validate me.

For comparison, I was in my favourite cheap as chips Asian food store last night and I was standing at the counter with my lovely noodles and tinned Milo waiting for about five minutes for the elderly Chinese proprietor to come out the back.

Now was this some sinister plot against Western me, or just that he had something to do at the back?

Lots of photos were being taken and you judged them? Maybe it was a special occasion? When I first met my SB that I had known nothing about at a restaurant, our family took lots of photos. It was an important occasion. I am amazed what people judge others for.

I was in London doing a couple of public galleries. Walking down Cork Street I came upon a very classy gallery; one of the ones where you have to press a discreet bell and be scrutinised by the slender, stunningly well spoken assistant before she decided whether or not to admit you.
They were doing a first show for an up and coming young Australian artist and had one of his works in the window.
I pressed the bell and heard an uberposh voice ask if she could help me.

"Yes! I''m a poverty struck pensioner with not a bean to my name but I adore the piece in the window. If I promise not to drool on the paintings may I come and look?"

I heard a man laugh and the door was opened. I spent a delightful hour in the company of the gallery owner and was treated like a serious buyer. We talked about paintings in general and about the young artist in particular.

He said that my enthusiasm and love of art was something that he came across only rarely.

He was very good looking as well as being an expert flatterer!

Best afternoon's entertainment ever...and he gave me a couple of beautiful catalogues too.

i remember a scene in Ab Fab when Edina snapped "It's just a shop!" at a snotty gallery assistant. This is my attitude.

I do find that my confidence comes mainly from the knowledge about a subject. be it designer dresses or art - in those cases I'm fine as I know I can actually produce a chat if need ne. But when you want to learn or to see something new, I feel I'm coming across as ignorant esp in art galleries in those mayfair/st.james's places and although I'm dying to listen and ask questions, I don't feel I can offer anything and from experience, some gallery owners/assistants are nice, but some aer formal and pompous!
So yes, rembrandt, you were lucky with that one but also as I said before pensioners, especially though with character are treated much nicer by the younger owners, than someone younger than them and much less knowledgeable. Of course your confidence and joking about yourself was very endearing. I can be like that at times when generally having a great day, but at other tomes I clam up.
Often to fake confidence, I sort of become too detached as if I don't care, but I don't feel good about it afterwards. When I do get on with someone in charge, then yes, the chat flows and it boosts my confidence.

Also if you are generally very good socially and gregarious and a people-person naturally, it always helps, but I'm talking more about the rest of us.

I'm curious now, where the others' confident feeling comes from (on this thread), when do you happen to feel good about yourself and think the world is your oyster? Is it when you look good, or have strong interest in a subject or when you are very happy in your personal life? To me the interest really helps as it sort of outweights any discomfort when you are desperate to look/ask about something but as I say these are areas I'm already knowledgeable in.

slapomawet, it helps being thick-skinned and tomboyish as you sound, and have this not bothered mentality - I wish we could all do it!