AIBU to think that most people don't feel comfortable in wealthy surrounds

[OhYesToYestyn]

and to wonder what exactly is the reason? In the UK, I mainly mean top end London shops and commercial art galleries where it all reeks of wealth.

For example, I love fashion and jewellery design, but if I want to go and look at /touch the garments, I always go to a department store with open plan access, not a boutique. Even in that case, I feel somewhat inadequate and a even a failure for not being able to afford it, though it's irrational as the minority who can afford it have often not made the money themselves (wealthy parents/husbands) and some got it through being ruthless or some other questionable means. I don't often like rich people in the public eye, though obviously there are exceptions.

So why do I feel that physical pressure/stress and even feel inadequate while rationally I shouldn't? I'm talking of people on middle income btw, not very low income.

Shouldn't we all be able to go into any shop and feel relaxed and enjoy the view, and ask for service just to browse? I wonder if others feel absolutely fine and unpressured? Just can't put my finger on the reasons why the discomfort.

I have heard various complaints from people looking to buy a very expensive car, being ignored by salesmen as they didn't look the part.

And there is a big difference in how someone looks wearing good quality jeans and a top, and how they look wearing ASDA jeans and a top.

I work in an antiques shop (so a lot of v. v. v. expensive things as well as cheap things) and we get a great range of customers in. The local billionaire is pretty nondescript and very friendly. He's not scruffy, but not dressed up either. Old jumper and jeans much of the time.

The richer middle class customers who dress to the nines in labels and who are dripping with jewels, in the case of the ladies (at 3pm in the afternoon - really??), are obviously trying too hard to look richer than they are. And they're incredibly snobby.

As Terry Pratchett once said: "A couple of women were moving purposefully among the boxes. Ladies, rather. They were far too untidy to be mere women. No ordinary women would have dreamed of looking so scruffy; you need the complete self-confidence that comes with knowing who your great-great-great-great-grandfather was before you could wear clothes like that."

If you're truly rich, you don't give a damn what you (or anyone else for that matter) is wearing

My money has the same value as anyone else's. That's all you have to think.

I feel uncomfortable in any shops or sales environment - posh or not - where I have to speak to salespeople if I know I'm unlikely to ever buy anything there.

I feel OK anywhere, in whatever clothes, if with someone else who might buy! Eg my extravagent, from a wealthy family and also well-paid friend who I occasionally accompanied on shopping trips to spend a grand or so on a handbag or few hundred on champagne!

I have become more uncomfortable with age - aged 11-21, my friends and I often used to mooch around shops well out of our price range just for fun and once went into boutiques to gawp at designer gowns in NY. Often got asked to leave places!

I arranged the purchase of a mini stately home once wearing some Tesco jeans and my hair flapping disdainfully around a scrunchie. Seriously, I scrub up well but unless it's black tie or I am literally at work in the office I look like a scruffy housewife.

I did wear a rare and expensive fur that I had inherited once when popping into the Savoy (it was bloody freezing and I am half German and thought sod it). I was treated quite unusually well by the one or two people who recognised what it was, rather like the Prada handbag thing. Ah, the semiotic markers of apparent wealth ....

I find Harvey Nichols a bit dull. ( although they have the best selection of posh perfumes )

it really is. I couldn't find anything to buy in there even if I had the money.

the semiotic markers of apparent wealth

They exist! We all clock these markers all the time - not just for apparent wealth but for absolutely everything. We have a little social guru in our heads, checking off whether someone is "people like us" or would like to be, not if they were last people on the planet, not my kind of people but jolly interesting, and so forth. Some have better gurus than others. The staff of intimidating shops have to train their inner gurus to spot wealth.

I used to be quite a skilled chameleon, but now I have ... poverty teeth. Nothing can disguise them. I'm certainly not scared of places where the cheapest item is more than a month of my income, but experienced staff would be able to see I'm not buying. You can't go around with your mouth firmly closed all the time!

I feel really awkward in places like Macdonalds, Starbucks, Costa or Burger King as I never know what to have and I need to work out what is in meal deals & things like that. I think it's just easier to go to where you are familiar rather than new places. I obviously do go to them from time to time but feel very awkward about holding up the queue etc.

I think this is a very interesting thread. I don't feel uncomfortable in high end shops but I find high end restaurants a bit stilted. Its not that I feel uncomfortable, I just don't enjoy the atmosphere. I am happier in Pizza Express or something. On the subject of handbags though I have to differ from the PP. Most of my bags are designer, I have quite a few, I would also be happy to get a bag from Monsoon or Top shop but I would never ever buy a Radley bag, because to me thats for someone who wants to look like they can afford a designer bag, but can't. A bit chavie, in my mind its like wearing burberry check (fake).

I do often wander into fancy places just to look around. I'm often head to toe in Primark but I have a very fancy watch and engagement ring and a number of designer handbags and look quite polished. I think that, much as it shouldn't, gives the impression that I'm quite well off and just dressed down. I tend to find that I get fabulous service. What I often do too, is to look at their range online and go in asking if they have X item.

Same with restaurants, we do eat in really fancy places and find that they are unfailingly lovely to us and we never feel uncomfortable. I think it's all to do with your confidence. The nicer restaurants tend to go out of their way to make you feel comfortable.

Oh well, I'm wearing black jeans, a two tone muted punk top, Clarks Artisan shoes, a black casual jacket thing that was about £100. Will arrive at local dump in about 20 mins in my ageing MPV. If anyone looks closely they might clock that my engagement and eternity ring are probably worth five figures (without being flash).

I probably like Harvey Nicks because I am dull . But I'm not dull enough to give a flying fig and have no idea where people would button hole me and don't really care.

I often wonder when I'm walking round my local shopping centre where all the people live. Many look quite well heeled and I often wonder if it's because they spend their money rather than keeping it in the bank or if they are really quite wealthy and then they open their mouths but that still doesn't tell me how much money they have.

Oh, that's interesting about Radley bags. I've always liked them. I used to live Enny and often wonder what happened to them.

OP, I love you for this. TBH I often feel uncomfortable even in shops where I can afford to buy, especially if the sales staff hover!
Thinking about this, might be partly that I did grow up quite poor (though luckily I didn't realise it till I was all grown up!), but also don't a lot of us always feel ready to feel inadequate? Either I am not rich enough, or I am too old, or my colouring is not British blonde enough, or...
I mean I have one child with SEN and I feel like a fraud every time I go out without him, I feel like I'm pretending to be as normal as everyone else.
Go on, I know some of you know what I mean.

CHJR, wow that was very personal to you, thank you for your honesty re your child!

I sometimes feel like it for other reasons, i.e. I can't afford what I used to be able to and feel like I'm a walking fraud when staff in some shops remember me, or just generally. But RATIONALLY of course it's nonsense as I do think, especially after being exposed in the past to some wealthy personalities, and to some money through my ex's family, that the lifestyle is not worth aspiring to. A lot of it is very shallow, snobby and also so based on appearances, not to mention fierce competitiveness and not much nice-ness or genuine warmth. SAdly it's not just cliche. So I'm trying to understand, and shake off the irrational feeling.

Mind you, I think being older/more mature opens your eyes to what's important. I also can see that older people aer treated with more respect or at least patience if they are nice, and there is usually 'take it or leave' it attitude with older people. So it's probably as other poster above said, when you feel slightly fragile (health, personal life, work - whatever), you sense rejection more strongly.

Beaufort, I never said I was made to feel out of place, as I said I can put an act on, and I'm well-mannered/dressed but I'm clearly middle class. I had shopped at Asprey's before as I also said - ex bought me some jewellery there (not top range). I can't afford these shops now and hadn't done for a while but it doesn't mean I don't want to look as I appreciate fashion design, so I have moved into vintage more but some modern designers are so talented that if I want to go and look, I will. I don't need anyone fussing, as I said I can browse by myself so no one needs to spend their time on me.

I'm also interested in art but feel very uncomfortable going into empty galleried which sell Turner etc - obviously I still go sometimes, but I wish I fekt relaxed and not under some pressure.Just because someone can't afford things, doesn't mean they have no taste or have no right to appreciate/look at stuff. I don't actually want to own these things, it's interesting from creative/artistic perspective to me. Needless to say I go to museums too, but it's not as fresh as far as fashion goes.

As you can see, I'm not the only one - it's interesting to me as far as psychology goes, and how some values (money) is drummed into us, I suppose when it's all wrong really.

I don't mind wealthy surrounds in general. I went to uni with a lot of wealthy folk (it was common to put a marquee up in your parents grounds for 21st birthday parties!) and I'm happy in Michelin star Restaraunts (although we only go once or twice a year).
But I wouldn't be comfortable in a designer shop. Mainly cause I'd have no intention of buying and that makes me feel awkward. I'm not really sure about "browsing" - it always just seems cheeky to me if you know you definitely won't buy.

and Beaufort, do yo think I do this daily or weekly or something? I've just been to london and happened to be in those places all in one day. I admire talent that goes into creating things, but don't like the atmosphere of places or the coldness of people where they end up, I suppose that's my dilemma. If it were me, they'd all end up on public display before going into shops!

if it were up to me, I meant.

Boffin, that's the best of the old English aristocratic way to behave which I love to watch (unless they veer into patronising mode, and obv not all old aristos are nice, but they often are), because they BOTHER with the charm - it makes life nicer. Otoh because of they way they sound, they are instantly threated well regardless of stinginess (also typical) or looking like coming off a horse. I can't pull off that look, but I never went into these shops super dressed up, I tend to wear nice jeans and a good bag.

Nowadays the rich who dominate are either business types who can be charmless/gruff, or openly arrogant and blingy Russians/Arabs who just go around with the cold disdainful look, urgh! Have you noticed that groups of rich Arabs with wives NEVER give way on pavements to anyone? But I agree with you, best to try and save/revive the disappearing tradition.

I don't feel too uncomfortable - I like nice hotels and find them much less up their own arse than some 4 star try hards

I just remind myself they are JUST shops - where I can't afford anything!

If you're truly rich, you don't give a damn what you (or anyone else for that matter) is wearing
I know, Lock, but unfortunately the blingy/snobby/charmless brigade wjo dont give a F* about anyone else, dominate. What you are talking about is class, taste, it's a small minority - I did cross post with you a bit before reading your post. Mind you, those who dress very casually, can be also very arrogant, takes all sorts. I'm always understated btw even though I'm not from an old family, cba but do like to own a few special things - and lots of women artists dress really well without any bling.

I work in a five AA star, country house hotel...I thought I wouldn't even get the job in the first place because I stuck out like a sore thumb in comparison to the other staff! I feel massively uncomfortable around the owner and the guests. (we recently had a couple of MPs stay who were so pompous and plummy I thought I had walked into an Eton reunion when I turned up to work) I usually try to stay behind the bar and stick to what I know!

true, ghostly, re hotels.

museumum, but tell yourself that lots of rich husbands' wives treat browsing as their main pastime. Even they can't just keep buying, so I'd say there is generally a LOT more browsing in expensive shops , be it by fewer people, than in cheaper shops where most people just buy. Ypu could pretend are you just extremely choosy - but I know what you mean, we are back to that weird 'pressured' feeling. They don't feel like that of course.

Sparkly, but you are a brave woman! how do you deal inside with the discomfort - do you hide it well and more interestingly, do you like the job for the challenge or not? are you treated well by guests and other staff?

They give way to me. I don't stand aside so they have no choice.

If it's a Turneresque gallery view you're after why don't you just go to the auction house previews?

I don't think the blingy brigade do dominate. They're visible but they aren't respected.