AIBU to think that most people don't feel comfortable in wealthy surrounds

[OhYesToYestyn]

and to wonder what exactly is the reason? In the UK, I mainly mean top end London shops and commercial art galleries where it all reeks of wealth.

For example, I love fashion and jewellery design, but if I want to go and look at /touch the garments, I always go to a department store with open plan access, not a boutique. Even in that case, I feel somewhat inadequate and a even a failure for not being able to afford it, though it's irrational as the minority who can afford it have often not made the money themselves (wealthy parents/husbands) and some got it through being ruthless or some other questionable means. I don't often like rich people in the public eye, though obviously there are exceptions.

So why do I feel that physical pressure/stress and even feel inadequate while rationally I shouldn't? I'm talking of people on middle income btw, not very low income.

Shouldn't we all be able to go into any shop and feel relaxed and enjoy the view, and ask for service just to browse? I wonder if others feel absolutely fine and unpressured? Just can't put my finger on the reasons why the discomfort.

I honestly don't feel this. And I grew up pretty poor. I've always been a bit of a chameleon though and am used to flexing depending on the situation.

I just feel I have the right to walk into any shop, admire their merchandise, be inspired, buy if I want to. Maybe I can't afford to buy right now, but who knows about the future? I'm not wasting anyone's time by looking around.

Who knows how much money I have in the bank? Or who my great grandfather was. Who the hell cares? Class and social signifiers in this country are complex and multifarious. If a shop assistant thinks they have the measure of me by totting up labels then they're an idiot. I will be unfailingly polite and I'll expect that back.

And for what it's worth, I love Radley bags, even though that's a deeply, deeply unfashionable position within my social circle. The quality of the leather is decent for the price I reckon. And I wouldn't call it 'chavvy' I'd call it 'accessible'. Don't see anything wrong with that.

But I work in marketing and have waaay too much experience with what brands are supposed to 'mean' to take it seriously at a personal level.

OhYes I do enjoy the work, and we do get some quite interesting people staying. When it comes to conversation, I just don't pretend to be part of that "circle". For example I'm blatantly honest in telling them that I'm not very well informed about the state of affairs in the global oil industry, but am happy to listen and learn.
The majority of the "upper class" guests treat me the same as they would anyone else. Some are a bit taken a back when they hear my accent in comparison to the very "bbc English" accent of the other staff. But there's always the odd one who thinks they are above everyone and us working class folk are filth

twirlypoo, yes it makes sense, but I bet it helps that you sound posh. There is a whole class of posh and poor in this country unsurprisingly but everyone is fond of them - precisely because they are not the cold/arrogant new rich. It's the middle class or lower that get indifferent treatment.

Still even if you had wobbles when at low ebb, my conclusion above is right - it's actually all about feeling confident, but props like wealth or the right accent help still. I do always say 'I'm just browsing' even just to be left in peace, I wouldn't actually try stuff on without intention of buying, but there is that 'guilt' of not being able to buy. Do you think you'd feel as happy if your son wasn't going to a nice school - would you feel like you failed him if you think the right school is the root of confidence?

BB, yes, I go to auctions, it's more relaxed, less pressure to buy. Ooh I don't know, I think the blingy group actually OWNS more than others in London (bar Duke of Westminster maybe), so they don't care if a tasteful or intellectual minority don't respect them, the mentality is 'money buy everything, incl taste and knowledge' so cba with being liked. I think maybe that's the whole point - I want to be liked and I like people who make an effort to be considerate/nice, and feel very taken aback if others are not like this which is very often the wealthy, it's like who aer the rulers of the world now? It's just too ruthless.
And yes to standing your ground - I meant to actually say in that post that if I were with other people I wouldn't budge, but when on my own, I feel vulnerable when a crowd of chunky people pushing towards me - I will do those with those pairs of young guys walking in the middle of road!

The majority of the "upper class" guests treat me the same as they would anyone else. Some are a bit taken a back when they hear my accent in comparison to the very "bbc English" accent of the other staff. But there's always the odd one who thinks they are above everyone and us working class folk are filth hmm
that's good, and I admire you to be the only one yet confident, they probably admire you too for being direct! that's the only way actually when you know you are out of your depth with something. But to the last sentence - oh God, really? still? I wonder if they are young or old.

OhYes it's a bit of both! The older ones who are snobs I can kind of let fly over my head. But not long ago, we had a group of late-20-somethings in for a conference. I was chatting with one of the men cunt at the bar while I got his drinks, and he was appalled to hear that I didn't spend my 19th birthday at a good university, instead I spent it in Afghanistan. The words "what a waste" and "cannon fodder" were used.

Laurie, that's the attitude - breezy and 'do what you like' - I do this but in my case it's verging on being an act, though sometimes I do feel genuinely it when people happen to be nice. Thinking now, I think what I really struggle with, is how to deal with obvious arrogance and coldness, any advice?
Haha, being in marketing does help. Are you also a bit boho in style? again poor artists pull it off so well with daring style that people feel in awe in a different way. I had a Radley key holder but now they don't do it with rings inside a doggy purse, just why? I've thrown away the pouch but cut out the little dog and use it as a tag - that's so cheesy.

I work away from home a lot. I always stay in 5* hotels because I can afford them and I enjoy the luxury and facilities they offer. I certainly do not feel uncomfortable or out of place. I am paying for a standard and level of service. In addition, I am supporting the local economy by using these establishments as well as rewarding myself for my hard work!

many very interesting posts on page three - it's all very fast-running, can't comment on all, but great stories, I'm enjoying it, thanks (insights re US farmers, formality, comfort zones, shops' owners appealing to various types.

BB, Liberty is great, that's a place where I feel comfortable as you can look at designs without someone hovering or snooty customers around, even though expensive it's low key at the same time. Harvey Nicks is fine but lacks personality, it's true though that it's quite informal.

Obvious arrogance and coldness. "It's such a lovely day isn't it? That top looks lively on you, if only you could help me find something similar".

I don't do many galleries and I'm not very arty so I don't often do that. I do have some friends at the auction houses though and they are entertainingly fawning socially when talking about work so I guess that's how they do it x

Years ago I went shopping in Knightsbridge, I knew what I was looking for and which shops might have it. I went on my bike and pulled up in front of one shop and went in. I could see all the assistants stiffened and looked anxious when they saw me, they were looking nervously towards the manager. I said hi and told them what I was looking for then the owner/manager just came over and asked me to leave! It was a proper 'pretty women' moment, apart from the fact I never went back all dressed up, I just spent my money elsewhere.

I never felt uncomfortable though, despite how hard they tried to make me feel uncomfortable for being too scruffy for their posh shop. I actually felt a bit sorry for the staff, it seemed a really stressful place to work and it clearly made them very uncomfortable being around me.

Obvious arrogance and coldness - I used to have an arsenal of tactics but now I can simply hard-stare and inform them they are very rude. The advantages of having literally nothing to lose are subtle but real

fake what insufferable wankers!

In the case of obvious arrogance/coldness I think you have to remind them that this is a basic human interaction. And that they're failing at the 'being human' bit.

A pointed piece of courtesy like beaufortbelle suggests works wonders. Or a very direct wft look. Don't be afraid to stand on your dignity.

fakename, you took appropriate revenge by spending your money elsewhere. What a bunch of cretins.

Sparkly, oh God - I do find that it's the very young who come across as the worst when they are snobs, the world has evolved but they are stuck in some bubble. what did you say to him? I'd love to be able to find a witty response in such situations, but yeah 'd be taken aback too.

Great mix of advice re responding to arrogance!

I tell you what, though, I hate the fact that in many five-star (and some four-star European) hotels you can't just make your own cup of tea and have to order room service. (I have even trained a senior colleague with whom I travel regularly to sniff out hotels with tea-making facilities, so important is this to me. Who wants to order room service for their pre-shower, pre-breakfast cuppa?!

I thikn my mistake is that I tend to respond with coldness in return bt don't feel good afterwards. The actual 'taking control' and doing something opposite to their attitude, is a very good idea!

As I get older I get more comfortable with this type of thing as for all anyone knows I might be loaded. I know you don't have to act rich to be rich, so I generally don't give a shit and try not to be intimidated

Floppily, yes I now ALWAYS make sure that there is a kettel in the room. CBA with tiny portable ones. I think a really good hotel will provide one as they aer supposed to please the guests (even if not default, though increasingly they do put kettles in).

Okay, so my foray into high society was staying at the Park Lane Hilton once (when DH had a job.) I don't think I felt too out of place, just in awe of the luxury. I assume I looked poor though, because another guest asked me if I worked there (I was wearing a strange ensemble, that looked nothing like the smart outfits the staff were wearing!)
I love wandering around the posh bits of London, coveting the houses, and peering into the high end jewellery shops. I do however feel nervous about going near high end beauty counters, even though you can go to Boots and buy Chanel I still find it intimidating, and scuttle past to find the cheap stuff. (I know quite a bit about make up, but still cannot bring myself to buy the seriously high end stuff, it makes me squeak!)

*cannot bring myself to buy the seriously high end stuff, it makes me squeak!'
so funny, Sapphire! I think with buying perfect makeup you need to feel like you look good on that day! But tbh I'm not excited about it enough to spend three times more than on midrange stuff. But I'm loyal to some ofthe Lancome's skincare.
Sounds like the child in a sweetshop approach also can work as you are not self conscious at all.

*kettle, that was.

It is totally about attitude. I went to drama school and even though acting is a very long way from what I do for a living now, in certain situations my actor's instincts still kick in!
I've rarely felt uncomfortable in any social situation. I just sort of think my way into being the kind of person who belongs in that situation and behave appropriately. It's a very odd skill to have, I know. It has served me well in job interviews!
When I lived in London I used to go to the oyster bar in Selfridges and have a plate of three oysters and a glass of champagne as an occasional payday treat. I never spent more than about £15 or £20 but the lovely customer service and the overall experience always made me feel happy for the rest of the day. Much better than buying a high street dress for the same money.

Selfridges staff are lovely though. I have also bought oysters there and been dressed scruffily in cheap clothes. Places like that are fine.