AIBU to think that most people don't feel comfortable in wealthy surrounds

[OhYesToYestyn]

and to wonder what exactly is the reason? In the UK, I mainly mean top end London shops and commercial art galleries where it all reeks of wealth.

For example, I love fashion and jewellery design, but if I want to go and look at /touch the garments, I always go to a department store with open plan access, not a boutique. Even in that case, I feel somewhat inadequate and a even a failure for not being able to afford it, though it's irrational as the minority who can afford it have often not made the money themselves (wealthy parents/husbands) and some got it through being ruthless or some other questionable means. I don't often like rich people in the public eye, though obviously there are exceptions.

So why do I feel that physical pressure/stress and even feel inadequate while rationally I shouldn't? I'm talking of people on middle income btw, not very low income.

Shouldn't we all be able to go into any shop and feel relaxed and enjoy the view, and ask for service just to browse? I wonder if others feel absolutely fine and unpressured? Just can't put my finger on the reasons why the discomfort.

Here in Paris there are, increasingly, hotels and shops designed for Chinese customer and also places where the first language of salespeople is Russian. Clearly, Europeans are less at ease in those places as they aren't designed to meet our particular sensibilities.

Oh Paris! Only place I've ever felt uncomfortable- wearing a Barbour before they were a thing and openly sneered at in shops!

Having lived That Kind Of Life once, I think people should deliberately go into anywhere they like and look at whatever they want. A lot of seriously loaded people walk around looking like they have just got off a horse anyway. It's only the Russians, second wives and high class hookers (of which there are many, many more than you would ever think) that make a real effort to look posh and expensive.

A good strategy when scaling the heights of the shop assistants' iciness is to breeze in, say 'Good Morning!' or whatever, in a super friendly way, and then instruct them in what you would like to do with their goods, for example 'Now, I think I am going to have a bit of a browse and then I might try something on later as I am looking for an outfit for xxx' or 'Please if you have a moment, could you suggest a couple of outfits with accessories for xxx occasion' or 'My sister is having a birthday soon and I thought I would have a little look around here first as xxx (make up posh name) said you had some lovely things in at the moment'. Then a smile and disengage eye contact once they have received their (disguised) instructions. It's about appearing to be in charge whilst gushing charm.

It is fine to say, "That's a bit more than I wanted to spend but it is lovely, thank for getting it out" and things like that. It is, at the end of the day, just a shop. Sometimes they mutter 'That's the cheapest sale we have ever made in this place' at the till, to which you reply, 'Isn't it thrilling to have bargains? I do love it when that happens.' You. Are. In. Charge.

Yes, there are people who go nuts and spend thousands on rubbish, but my grandmother was the kind of person they opened up in the evening for, and even she had an eye for value for money (we are still wearing/using some of the amazing quality stuff she bought, and she died in 1979, which gives you an idea how well she invested). Ignore anyone who thinks otherwise.

I don't want to come across like a tosser saying this - so I will just say it and hope it comes across the way I meant it!

I am poor as fook, single mother etc etc, but I went to boarding school / finishing school, and whilst not close friends any more, some of my connections are pretty wealthy / aristocracy etc. I feel a little bit like I can walk in these places because I have my back ground to fall back on. So I might rock up in jeans and hoody and joke with the bar man in a luxury hotel about the price of the cocktail being the same as my mortgage, but I've sort of earnt the right to be there just by virtue of having the confidence to walk in. Does that make sense? If I ever get a wobble (which happened a lot after my son was born and my ex left - my confidence hit the floor) I just think fuck it, you don't know my back ground.

My son is now at a lovely private school - his dad pays the fees in lieu of maintenance. I have many a time needed to borrow a tenner off my mum for petrol to get him there because I am so brassic..... But.... No one cares, genuinely! Everyone assumes you belong because you are there - just like them.

In terms of posh shops - again just be honest, "I am just looking today - I can't resist walking past without seeing what you have in at the moment!" The people who work there are human too.

I was once in London waiting around for my son to finish an interview and decided to look at the jewelry in Harrods. I was dressed quite, umm, comfortably . I wanted to see the really expensive stuff. I walked around confidently, with a smile and told the staff I hoped they didn't mind me having a look.

I was very pleasantly surprised how friendly and welcoming they all were. They made me feel perfectly comfortable even though I clearly wasn't there to buy.

I thought I was probably nicer than some of their usual customers . Or maybe I was unconsciously pulling off a crazy eccentric possible multimillionaire vibe
Anyway, if I win the lotto I'll get my diamonds there.

How interesting?

There are some terribly posh shops near me. I don't go in them because the staff are just plain rude.

Lot's of them don't last very long. They are replaced by carbon copies, which then go on to fail too.

This tells me that it has more to do with the shop owner/staff and their insecurity, than anything to do with me.

I am more than comfortable with old money folk, and find them far easier than new money people. Golf club syndrome, loads of weird rules! :)

If you don't go in, how do you know staff don't last long?

Or do you mean the shops fail?

I think Bobo has nailed it. It's down to whether the shop is trying to appeal to someone of your tastes and sensibilities or not. Also some things can be expensive but informal. I think heightened formality makes a lot of people squirm.

A little off topic here, but it reminds me of some of the men I grew up around. (This was in the US southeast.) They built infrastructure, had ranches, or mining interests. They had quite a bit of money. They didn't wear anything other than cowboy boots. They had nice ones for special occasions such as weddings, and work ones and casual ones, etc. It was their own little world. They recognised quality high end boots. To the uninitiated they all just look like western boots. They would not have enjoyed going into a Mercedes dealership and looking at expensive saloons. However, they would enjoy buying a jacked up, top of the line pickup truck which could easily cost much more. They also would feel completely at home in a Harley Davidson showroom. Those bikes aren't cheap either. A traditional English hunting party would probably make them feel wrong footed, but hunting deer, alligators, or razor backs would seem natural. So it's not just money, it's your social scene and what you are accustomed to.

My point is that a lot of people don't feel comfortable in certain settings and it's more about their personal feelings not what other people think.

^^This.

I have my 'one' piece that for me I feel is a major luxury, a prada handbag. Years ago I was on a train literally drooling over this ladys bag, I saw her looking so said 'sorry I'm not going to mug you, I just love your bag' she openly smiled and said so did she, she had a bonus one year and thought sod it, she was going to treat herself. I decided at that point I'll know I'll have made it when I get my own Prada - and I bloody did it!!! I used my redundancy money...!!
However since then I had a 'moment' in a high street shop (yes high street, because whilst a jumper will cost £200 they have shops EVERYWHERE) So I was in a London branch, no intention of buying anything just browsing and was ignored when I heard the manager pull aside the shop assistant and say 'look at that womans bag - you should have served her' then came over to 'help' me. I still wasn't planning on buying something especially after her comments but she pulled out a dress and convinced me to try it, and OMFG I looked AMAZING, from there we also pulled out a classic red wool trench coat, which looked equally brilliant. I was then in the changing rooms texting my fiance to see if he'd mind me spending £900 on 2 pieces of clothes, he was amused and told me to do what I liked, so I blummin got them.
Since going into the same shop in other towns, ie not London the service has been appalling, no-one with an eye to pull stuff out or even who cared as I wasn't their typical customer so I stick to the same 2 branches (St Pancras and the Brunswick centre for anyone trying to work out the shop)

We had another incident when looking to get a porsche cayene (spelling?!) we were totally ignored in the sales room and had to ask repeatedly at reception before getting fed up and leaving. We could see sales guys in their office grrrr. Walking out and the Aston Martin garage was next door, my son went running over to a car and was desperate to look at it, we told the sales assistant who was about to let him in there was no way we could afford it. He laughed said not many can and still let him in and spoke to him about the cars for a good 10 minutes. Three guesses where I'm buying a car if I ever win the lottery

I guess what I am trying to say is in any of these places, even if you can afford the items its the staff that make it an experience and it is the staff that make you want to go back but you do have to let them try and do their job

Oh I love going shopping in Knightsbridge - I'm on an average salary but every few months I go into shops like Tom Ford & spend £27 on a nail varnish. I love it & certainly don't feel uncomfortable. ( & the service is impeccable I must say )

I think it takes real inner self confidence to feel at home in a place where people are judging you for superficial things like accent, clothes, car, ethnicity, etc.

People who sneer at you for being too posh and sending your kids to a private school, people who judge you for having a cheap car and ratty clothes, people who are prejudiced because of the colour of your skin: all of them can make us feel terribly awkward if we are not feeling supremely confident already.

I think feeling uncomfortable because you are in unfamiliar surroundings (even though the people are open minded and friendly) gives you a sign that YOU are the prejudiced one.

It's funny I have been to the poshest of posh restaurants (I mean really posh - taken by a very rich London friend) and I felt relaxed there, but clothes shops are different. I have to muster up my confidence even in high street, only modestly "posh" shops like LK Bennett, and I can easily be made to feel small by sneery assistants. I've never, ever set foot in a properly posh shop like Mulberry or Prada. I'd feel it was so obvious that I wasn't that kind of person and shouldn't be allowed in!

However, the right assistant can transform the experience, if they are kind, on your wavelength and understand you. I bought a fab coat from Hobbs once, the assistant was amazing, she really looked at me and knew what would suit me and encouraged me to be bold with colour, without being pushy at all. But a snooty one would have had me scuttling out of there.

Oh I'm glad someone mentioned Asprey - I watched that programme a year or so ago, and a few days later bumped into the chap who had been a jeweller there and was now in charge of maintenance. We had a lovely chat and he said absolutely to come in to just browse - even if you can't afford anything there, come and have a look at the stuff/building.

I think partly it is an inner feeling, but also depends on the shops - the "high end" places that make you feel comfortable are a lot grander than the "high end" places that look you up and down as though you were something the cat dragged in.

Also, I really don't think you can tell how rich someone is from how they look - I remember a friend telling how she had gone up to London wearing a very beaten up old barbour and said she had so many compliments on it and one person confessed that she had driven over hers to make it look as worn in as my friend's did.

Sorry, some meanderings there...

I had a boyfriend who always felt very uncomfortable anywhere he saw as posh.
I have seen people being treated less well in posh places, if they look working class. And you can wear jeans and a hoodie and still look upper class. Accent and the quality of clothes are still an obvious marker.

The shops don't last long. :)

I would have felt a bit uncomfortable when I was younger but definitely not nowadays. I usually love posh places.
I don't know or care whether the staff think I'm posh. It's not as if they are posh themselves. Anyway, despite the fact that my clothes are not particularly expensive, I've never noticed anyone sneering and they certainly always seem to think I can afford whatever expensive items they are selling.

I don't think it's fair to say that the majority that can afford it didn't make the money themselves.... plenty of women have brilliant jobs and work very hard to afford things. Touched a nerve as people often say things about my husband paying for things when that isn't the case at all.

Enjolrass - My first jealous response to your post was 'Bloody hell, she must be slim to fit into Keira Knightley's dress' . You sound like a fun person to shop with, btw.

I avoid these places as I find them uncomfortable too, although I could afford to treat myself if I wanted but just don't think it's worth spending stupid money on clothes most of the time. When I did want to buy something specific I felt so unwelcome and out of place - the assistant wasn't very helpful either - so I left and bought the same item at a department store. I did return to another branch of this store and it was much more friendly and welcoming because the assistant made an effort and the service was great so I'd return if I wanted to buy there again.

Although hotels and restaurants are different as I'm happier spending more on dining experiences - I wore a £30 dress for a £150 meal for two recently. I also work with wealthy people and they are mostly very friendly and caring, the ones who aren't I happily ignore.

I also hate the make up counters in department stores. Although it's funny to feel that way as the staff are unlikely to be very wealthy themselves, do they judge people who shop there?

I would only go in if I wanted to buy something and had the money. I don't really see the point otherwise.

A lot of people are uncomfortable with wealth due to the poverty mindset. It's hard to be comfortable around places of wealth and rich people, if you're one of the many that think that rich people are greedy, materialistic, ruthless etc. You are surrounding yourself with everything you hate.

There are a lot of self-made millionaires out there that made their millions taking a chance and following their passion. Anyone can have a go at becoming wealthy if that's their foccus and they get rid of the negativity associated with it.

There are a lot of wealthy who give to charities and do a lot of good in the world. It's far easier to help lots of people with money than it is without it.

What kills me is how uncomfortable people say they are about wanting money and how fine they are with very little, as its some virtue and money and people that have it are evil. Yet, wouldn't say no to a huge lottery win.

As for shops, at the end of the day, despite their snobby attitudes, they're shop assistants. They aren't rich are they? So it's laughable they turn their noses down at anyone they perceive as poor, when they aren't rolling in money themselves! And their rudeness and judgmental attitude speaks volumes about them more than it could ever do about you.

I agree with celticcoast. I could afford a silly money handbag, I'm just not silly enough to buy one, so what's the point of looking Perfectly happy with Radley or similar.

I detest Westfield's posh bit and find Selfridges a bit vulgar so don't go. But am perfectly happy in Harvey Nicks or Liberty and Bond Street, ah and just remembered upstairs in Fortnums. Trendy chic boutiques, however, I can't be bothered with.

I find Harvey Nichols a bit dull. ( although they have the best selection of posh perfumes )